Hello old friend
How i've missed you so
you once were the light
the magnificent sunlight
coupled with a smile
i can still recall
walking up that lonely street
with its ferocious sunlight
beckoning a rest and re-posit
at the movie theater
where the cool air
dances a waltz down the back of my
neck
because the fresh new world was
melting in the foray
and watching it unfold
scares the new me
just as much as it terrified the old
been through it a thousand times
"you know the drill, son"
always i will have to
endure a new
drill
never recovering from the wounds
the old one has set upon
my self
there's the hole in my arm
the one in my leg
the one in my head
and then the obvious one
the largest gaping hole i have
ever
never
what would you say now?
one in my
barely functioning heart
now dear
i'm still waiting here
my dear
i am going to kill all of them
with a rummel
hidden beneath this loincloth
i've been biding my time
for the proper send off
the proper
good-bye
this is how the real world ends
and your new life
oh, don't you love it?
this is how it begins
with blood on my hands
and tears i let streak down my cheeks
just so i can drink them and taste
the salt
it reminds me i havent crossed over
to the realm of the dead
i'll know i'm alive
and how i'm fucking up all i knew
this is the last chance to get tickets
to a fabulous show
i'll be atop that lighthouse
watching the armada i've called forward
rise from the depths of the small island
they all thought useless
minions crawl
slither
and remind the old timers
that soldiers live
and water never sleeps
to expect glory
is to sleep on the shores
of forgiveness

i sleep on a bed of rocks that are
filled with anything but that
they remind me of all the transgressions
i had bemused myself with letting go of
i can feel their stubble now
searing the flesh
i no longer care about
the skin i so aptly wish to shed
to become the demon i was told
i would become
in years past
that wicked little witch on Lark street
told me so
now her belief is coming to light
as if a fire had appeared inside the
cavern of black ice
she said this would be the day
i let it enfold me

listen up young girl
listen up
believe this is it
the time for sorry has
come
and
gone
i will find what i've come for
i will take your throat and make you
remember who your
first true
there is none of that now
only this
only pain and hurt and pain and hurt
and loneliness
it encompasses all i can
see
all i feel
there is a reason for this
and the vision i behold is that of
these two feeble hands firmly wrapped
around the throat
and then the feeling of lightness
and falling

i wanna fall now

through the darkness and through the turmoil
i will let this body slip and catch myself
on the other side
its time to go up to the roof

i'll be with you soon
whether you like it
or
not...just

WHO the fuck thought it was a good ideato not tell me that the new Coheed put out a new album??>?>!> ive been waiting for this for god knows how long.. I'm listening to it now, but unfortunately im gonna leave it soon to watch lost like the g",""ood nerd i am, but then im all over this shit... please, tell me how u feel about it.. im 2 songs in and i like it, will i like after 7? I bet i will, they are too good to not love them.. concept albums are the best..

check out "Boys Night Out" an d their album called "trainwreck" still one of the best ever.. truth

i am without
that deserving person
to thank
who has come to be
by my side
as i crumble in the dust
vying to be someone
something for her
to proud of
without the yacht
to giver her what she
deserves
one day i will find this
golden ticket
that shall take me away
far
away
from this horrible
house of terrors
freddy has a knife
and a colt 45.
he's no longer that dude
who only comes in your
nightmare
not when your nightmare
has become your life
sign the blue sky
with my darkened ink
my soul has become a fountain
and this darkness
an inkwell
so can you do me one
last favor?
pull out this pen
and gently scrawl
the words to my end
you can own it
like you deserved it
and now i watch
from your bedroom window
as everything refuses
to meld
to come together

i'm nothing but a fool

the end comes dark
with a head that can't move
and i watch the darkness
envelop
the man i once was
now i sit still
during the night

and i sacrifice
things you cannot see
one of them being
the me
i will never
be...

death does not loom
early enough
for those that this
cracked heart
and tense shoulders
send into
ruthless aggression

sometimes
it is easier
to swing the scythe
yourself

and make it happen
before
it ruins
whats left of you...

hey demon, get off my back.. i cant seem to find the time to indulge you with all the shit you desire, and all the pain, and all suffering.

ring my ears until they bleed.

cause an epic disaster, just in the name of...

you need to fade like the ghosts of tomorrow.

hey deamon, leave me alone. you cause me to throw things in a drunken stupor when i can finally see your disfigured face.

hey deamon, leave me alone.

Or i shall turn into one of your kind, and come looking for you..

soon...

So i was thinking about what i wanted to write about on here and couldn't really come up with anything until a sudden rush of anger came over me. i was messing around on facebook and came a across a profile of someone i know, and i looked at his pictures and remarked to myself about something and then all of a sudden.. out loud, i feel the need to say "i fucking hate this kid."

Now, to be honest, the last time i saw him i remember remarking to myself how much i fucking hated him then. So now i'm here in this haze of not-nostalgia because i never liked him when we were "friends" anyway, and thinking back to when i did know this individual, i fucking hated him a lot more then. I fucking hate his face even though i may never see it in person for a very long time. i still wanna punch the shit out of him?

You ever have that with someone? just look at their picture and wanna punch their stupid little comformity loving fucking douchbagery face so hard that you can then make douchebag soup with their god-damned eyeballs afterwards?

Am i that socially fucked that i'm the only one that thinks of this shit? Seriously?

I must have that feeling over a dozen times a day if i leave my house for more than a few hours. and please, let's not even think about mentioning when i'm working, cause that's a whole nother beast that nobody wants to come near.. seriously, i should be allowed a shalalie to fucking pounce over peoples heads all day and night long.

So, anyway, i digress. The point i was trying to make about this is Why am i his friend on facebook if in real life i'd love to punch him in his snotbox for old times sake? I don't get it.. and if i go through all of the people i'm "friends" with on there, i'm no doubt sure he isn't the only one. So what the fuck?

NOT WTF! you fucking lazy cunts! learn how to type its WHAT THE FUCK!

That's all for now.. check out my other website.. http://www.MichaelCruzLttD.com

Next post might be about how i fucking hate people who write "LOL" i really hate those fucks..

So i wanna talk about something that seems to follow me EVERYWHERE and almost sets me over the edge EVERY FUCKING TIME IT HAPPENS! So i’m gonna preface this all with something first, and i feel it is very important that I do for you to fully understand the scope of my rage. This isn’t just normal rage, its hand shaking, teeth clenching, and very loud cursing in public rage. We all know I already hate everyone, but this just goes too far.

I used to live in Maine, a place I still hold dearly in my heart and always will. Maine is obviously not NYC, and the pace there is very slackened then what everyone here is used to. Now, I know that most people say that us New Yorkers are always in far too great a rush and if only we’d slow down our quality of life would be better. Now, although I may agree with this statement, it’s not entirely true. If I am trying to get from point A to point B quickly, there is no need or reason to slow down. So, since this is a subject I will most likely write about often, I will spare you more babbling about the why’s and how’s.

Earlier tonight i left the house with two objectives. One was going to Blockbuster for something. That was simple and mission accomplished with my mood only slightly aggravated due to idiot drivers (something I could write a whole damn book about on the subject alone,) now my next goal was to go to Pathmark (only because its close to my house) to get a couple of things. I race around the store because all I really want to do is get back home, skillfully and nimbly dodging old people and retards. Now don’t get your panties all in a bunch here. I don’t mean that as in “mentally handicapped people,” I mean that as in everyday “normal” people. Why are people SO fucking stupid? PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME!

I finally get everything and pay for it quickly and then have to go on another line to buy smokes. After about 4 minutes of the man behind the counter explaining something to the dumb woman he’s talking to for the third time, I get fed up and decide to leave. Now, here we go. I’m walking at pretty fast pace and get to the first exit (there’s two) and I can’t seem to get out the door.. why? That’s a good question..

Because some no-good-donkey-looking-half a brain-dimwitted-never graduated highschool fucktwat is lulling through life and I cant get around her fat ass. She wasn’t even that fat, maybe then she could have had an excuse for why she was moving so slow. And it’s one……two…….three….. shes going so fucking slow that I counted to ten to stay my rage and had taken three full steps. So I do my best to finally get around her on her right and what do I run into? That’s right, a family of three that’s moving so fucking slow that by the time I got home they were surely still packing their car. I mean, I just couldn’t take. I yelled out in rage that I wanted to fucking kill them all and if I had my way they would learn how to walk.

How do these people ever make it somewhere on time? I just don’t understand it? Is it that they have nowhere good to get to? Or they are so stupid they don’t understand the notion of time? I once waited 5 minutes for three people to cross a crosswalk that couldn’t have been more than twenty feet across! WHHHHYYYY must they be ALIVE?!!?

When did putting one foot in front of the other in a timely manner because a matter of intelligence? Just thinking about these fucking slow-poke-vegan loving retards is making my blood boil! I just wish someone could explain to me why they do that. I cant just ask one can i? ill be waaayyy to angry to be civil and they wont take it well so ill end up in jail from beating them within an inch of their life, lets see if they learn how to fucking run then! ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!

One day I want to rule the world so I can just get rid of these people each time they piss me off..

My anger is unendying.

Broken bones

And bloody kisses

Ill make you taste your puke

So i have this problem in my house and i really need to rectify it. I have a mouse, or mice if you will and i cant seem to stop this little bastard! He's too smart and wont take bait. He's getting more and more daring too, the son of bitch almost looked me in the eye today. I have to find a way to get him and his cohorts, there's gotta be a way. I cant get a cat because my roomate is allergic, so that's out. I'm gonna patch up all the holes i can find tomorrow and go from there.

I will vanquish this foe!

so this is a late post. I'm watching the royal rumble after a long night of drinking in nyc. I really dont like WWE anymore. I think they suck, I mean, have you seen TNA? i know hogan and bischoff are there, so ok, they suck, but still. The wrestlers are still ten times better than the wrestlers in WWE! they are so much better. they tend to wrestle instead of tell a stupid story that i really dont care about. TNA tells me a story and gives me a fantastic match at the same time. I'm watching the first match right now and im already bored. It's sad whats become of wrestling. It is. TNA should own this shit. Simply because they have AJ styles... thats enough. where's ric flair paired with Samoa Joe? really? this shit is just out of hand..

On the notion of a Thursday night.

i fucking hate thursday nights, and you know why? it's really simple actually. i do my double on friday which for those of you that don't know, it entails a shift that starts at 11am and ends usually anywhere from 4-5am.. thats roughly 17-18 hours of straight being on my feet.. now i know some of you wanna say "ohh waaahhh, poor you. you get to hang out and drink at night and have fun"

yeah, well, fuck you. It's not exactly like that. i want you to imagine this for all you people that have "normal" jobs. If you say, wanna read a text message that would normally take ohh say 33 seconds.. yeah, that takes me 5 minutes. or better yet, how about writing a text message.. uninterrupted i could write the txt in about 2-3 minutes.. but at work it could take me over 30 minutes because of these fucking drunks who REFUSE, ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to wait just 2 fucking seconds. They dont care that i have a life, they dont care i have things i need to take care of, all they care about is that they NEED their next drink, and NOW.

Let's try another. How about when you have to use the bathroom? Can you get up from your "cubicle," or your "office," and simply walk to the bathroom and use it? i mean, baring from being in a meeting or something, do you have the ability to use a bathroom?

guess what? I FUCKING DONT! i've literally walked from around the bar and have them JAWING AT ME and bitching and moaning that they will have to wait 2 minutes for their next drop of booze.. and i'm just talking about taking a piss.. i could never even imagine having to drop a deuce.. no time.. the last time i tried i was in the bathroom and kept getting yelled at through the door by 1)a drunk, 2) a delivery guy, and 3) one of my waiters because he couldnt handle the delivery.. yeah, you try using the bathroom at my job.. its fucking miserable

i've literally had to GO OUTSIDE to text my bosses about something important because they would never even let me breathe for a fucking second to do it if they see me..

so yeah, i fucking despise thursday night because i dont want to go to sleep because as soon as i go to sleep i have to wake up and enter HELL for 17 hours.. its 2:20am right now and im exhasted but i'm refusing to go to sleep because i'm not ready to give up the ability to take a piss for 17 hours yet.. i just cant do it.. god i hate it.. as a matter of fact, i hate working all together, but its even worse when i'm not even allowed to breathe without being badgered by no good fucking worthless impatient donkey looking hankey loving miserable wastes of skin drunks who have zero couth when it comes to manners and at least disguising their pathetic unquenchable desire for alcohol.. and let's not even get into the discussion on how they will act like this towards me for 4 hours and then think its "cool" to leave me $5... yeah, next time, i'll pay half of them $8 to just stay the fuck home and leave me alone..

noticing a theme here yet?

i fucking hate everyone..

So i learn new things everyday, even though sometimes i already know them, it just helps reasures things that i already know. Because i am a genius. No matter how much you think things are ok, they just aren't.

Here's what i've learned and it has to cover the notion of death.

1) Most likely when someone is taken tragically and or too young--they didnt deserve to go. They are usually the good people. The ones nicer than me considering im such a prick (or so i'm told). i really don't know how to feel about this, its just so out of whack.

Really, what it is is fucked up. Like seriously? You take a kid who was a good person (from my apparent knowledge) who helped people by teaching children and being a good friend and all of those other apparent "things" those "good people" do. Yet i am absolutely positive that some fucking piece of shit who is dealing meth on the corner of Broad and Cedar streets in stapelton, no that motherfucker will live to 65... or how about those dudes who rob old ladies? i mean, ok, i'm all for robbing big name companies and banks, fuck them. But robbing an old ladies pocket book? why can't one of these vile wastes of skin trip, fall on the train tracks and then loose a limb so they can feel the pain and bleed to death? why can't that happen? someone please tell me about this? ohh, Jesus is just and has a plan.. yeah ok, i believe that fucking horseshit.

how about how a young healthy 29 year old man who is about to embark on the next level of his career and already has a career that involves saving people and catching bad guys-- he has a heart attack and drops dead. RIP my lost friend. so yeah, thats ok, sure, take the guy who catches the bad guys, not the one who IS THE FUCKING bad guy..

i also dont wanna hear that shit where you say, "oh it was cuz they were so nice god needed them to be angels in his army".. thats even more motherfucking rubbish...

so "he" is not just in who he takes, nor is he selective.. when your time is up its up, who controls that clock is the big mystery.. because i dont think we do..

2) i do believe that god has chosen to let chiWAAAHWAAAAAHHHHS live for fucking forever as if a cruel joke to all of Mankind. one of these days im gonna give jesus a bang zoom right down to hell and see how he likes it. what a creep.

On the notion of Smoking--- God how i love you mr. cigarette. i once had an epiphany on acid when i was a kid, and during it i remember that a friend of mine had broken down a scene from star wars and then began acting it out with a cigarette being a cast member. During this acid infused mess of a talk he eventually reached a high point, stopped, and then said "Nicotine, you are my father, and it is you that i wish to be with". This is still to this day one of the most hysterical things i have ever heard, and if memory serves me right, something it rarely does, i believe it was lamp that said it. God that was funny, and so important at the time because during that acid trip i must have smoked over a pack of cigarettes.

God, nicotine i love you.

Do i really need to go over the reasons for all this? Really? If you're not a smoker you are totally missing out on such an amazing experience. The tempting and teasing of how you shouldnt have the first drag as you light it, and then you blow that smoke out feeling the release of pleasure that is just about to hit your cancer ridden lungs, now it finally comes, HERE IT IS.

you lay it down on the ashtray to let the notion of it resonate in your mind, and now (as i write this i am actually acting it out) you take that first full pull, watch as the smoke puffs around your mouth, let it linger, and then suck the rest of it in. Ahhhhhh. How good it feels as i feel the nicotine swirl around my insides and then absorb it through my bloodstream. i can sense it overtake me, how it awakens me, how it makes me want to relax, keep on trucking if you will through the day or now my night. i haven't even finished this one and i already want another one but thats silly, so i shouldnt. Let's not even discuss the fact of how it goes with my beer. GOD HOW IT GOES WITH MY BEER!!! a beer without a cigarette is like having sex with a condom.. just not that good. seriously.

now that i've outlined the beauty of nicotine, well, i'm forced to do what i originally intended to do with this post. i hate writing this but its true. i need to quit. God how i want to quit, but on the same hand, two fingers away even, i have absolutely no desire too. i enjoy it too much. So what do i do? Well, if it was up to me i probably wouldnt quit.. i mean, i want to, im sick of coughing and not being able to walk uphill for more than ten steps.. man that sucks, have you ever tried walking uphill for more than ten steps? that shit is fucking hard, like for real hard. So see, the want is sort of there, it really is, its a gross habit and it smells, but god its so good. Also on a side note, does anyone else have this feeling that if they smoke in front of their significant others parents its like a fucking end all to be all type of no-no? like "oh no, you cant let them see you smoke!" like it would automatically label me as a horrible good for nothing person... get real. its a god-damned cigarette.

See as much as i want to go into out i should/want/and need to quit, i keep coming up with reasons to defend it. Wanna know my best reason? It's pretty simple.

Why are Europeans allowed to smoke and i'm not? i mean wtf? WHAT THE FUCK! the french seem to smoke all the time, and they are healthy as shit! motherfucker, they even glorify it in movies still! our dumbfucked country has admittedly banned smoking in movies practically because it gives young adults (who by the way will be a whole nother post all fucking together on the idiocy of how our country believes that young people are so easily swayed we could convince them to eat shit if a celebrity does it) the false impression that its "cool" to smoke.. How many movies do you know or remember where the french are smoking? or are you too fucking dumb to not have realized yet that the french may not have "special effects" but yet still seem to make the most amazing movies you have ever NOT SEEN? god you fucking people are ignorant.

anyway, i digress.

My girlfriend wants me to quit because she's afraid of the repricussions of me smoking, not to mention she hates the smell (even though on a drunken night she enjoys a stick of wonder and beauty all her own, but thats ok, cuz she says so) and she also, well, she doesnt like it. And lets face facts people, you wanna be your own man, but once you commit to a relationship with a female and end up deciding that you love and care about said female, well, youre fucked. You have to do things they want, because, i dunno, it matters to them and you want them to be happy. ( again, another future post waiting to happen).

i digress too easily.

So i'm quitting, i've ordered the patches from that fucking no good smoking quit line that you used to see during EVERY MOTHERFUCKING METS GAME LAST SEASON!!! GOD I HATED THAT SHIT! I KNOW IM FUCKED BITCH! I DONT WANNA SEE YOUR STUPID HOLE IN THE FUCKING THROAT ASS DURING EVERY GAME! ITS YOUR GOD-DAMNED FAULT YOU SUCKED TOO MUCH DICK AND GOT A HOLE IN YOUR THROAT, OR MAYBE IT WAS ALL THE METH... IT WASNT THE FUCKING NICOTINE, ITS ALL YOUR LIES AND PROPAGANDA TO STOP MAKING ME ENJOY ONE OF MY LAST TRUE HAPPINESS!!! FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER"!!!

yeah, so i'm quitting.. i refuse to give up till the patches get here.. god knows when that will be. hopefeilly not for a thousand weeks, but i know thats a lie and they are coming. i'm gonna have to go through it with it, its better for me and for my darling lady friend. except, for once (well not only once, ive wished to be foreign million times) i wish i was french, cuz for them its ok. i dont know what im gonna do, im sure im gonna be a cranky, angry bastard. and lets face it, do you know me? im most likely the most highly cranky/angriest/disgruntled/vicious bastard you know.. so how am i going to react without nicotine? not good my friends, not good..

so here's the gist of it all.. you're not gonna believe my reasoning..

don't get a girlfriend. she will make you quit smoking and you will fucking hate everyone and their mother even more than you already do.

and with that, i'm gonna finish this food (which i took a break from eating to smoke a cigarette) and then smoke another one while she complains from the other couch...

Nicotine, you truly are my Father...

Hello everyone, it's surely been awhile. i've been debating on returning to this blog for some time now, actually, it's been almost 5 months that i've been thinking about it. Why has it taken me so long you ask? Well, for the very few of you that have heard about this before, you should know. i tend to not pull any punches on here and one hundred percent freely speak my mind. People do NOT, do NOT, like hearing the truth about things. Apparently they really hate it. Which is actually going to be one of my future posts, how fucking fake these bastards are that they need to hide behind and create lies to make themselves feel better. So anyway, this blog had gotten me in a substantial amount of trouble, from certain friends not liking me anymore, to a few ladies refusing to speak to me anymore. This time around its gonna be the same. I expect many of you to get upset and all i have to say about that is this: booo-fucking-hooo. i could care less about a bunch of sensitive babies, i really don't. You can cry me a river and then i'll drink your tears and bathe in your children's blood.


Now, on to what i will be talking about. i'm basically going to leave it to an open free-for-all. From how much i hate idiot drivers, to idiot people, to the fall down incompetency of trying to pay for something in a supermarket, to well, just about anything that pisses me off and if you know me, well a fuck lot of things piss me off. i'll also be posting new stories and poetry and sometimes i'll be throwing a page or chapter or two from my new untitled novel. By the way, don't forget to purchase a copy of Million Dollar Eyes, available from me or online at B&N.com or Amazon.com..
Gotta self promote, ya know?

So with that all being said, i hope you enjoy. i'll be posting as much as possible and have made a promise to myself to post on here at least once every other day so stay tuned and get ready to laugh, cry, get mad at me, and even sometimes take something away from it.... well, i hope so.

and if you're wondering why all my "i"'s are lowercase, you'll eventually find out but its not a bout of laziness, i do it for a reason. A very important one at that.. so please, read, tell a friend to read, and let's see if we make something out of this little blog of mine.

Ok, so i now i havnt made an entry in awhile.. mass miscommunication... anyway, im making one now.. Im at work and man do i hate this place but thats neither here nor there. Since i do nothing but read and think all day, i suddenly had a thought i felt like sharing. if i go off on a bit of a rant here, well thats the point... I am so fucking sick and tired of playing this role that ive somehow found myself trapped in for like over 2 years now, i realized that ive been working on this book about women and such and all the stories are about nothing ever working out, so i was wondering what exactly the reason could be.. ive come toa conclusion that my whole "being the nice guy" to chicks is fucking useless.. it gets thrown in my face time and time and time again and ive yet to learn, well i think ive learned a thing or two finally.. gone are going to be the days of me not wanting to hurt feelings and actually caring, i think its time i join the ranks of the majority of the male population and just not give a fuck.. im gonna start caring about getting it out  and its simple as that.. next girl i find out at the bar, im not gonna be nice and friendly, im going to simply take the slut home and fuck till my hearts content, and then throw her the fuck out of my house.. and if the bitch is lucky, maybe ill call her in a week or so she can see me again.. this whole not playing games thing is total rubbish, women are so fucking stupid (sorry for those of you who are reading this that are women, actually nope im not sorry.. fuck you) that all they really want is to be treated like shit.. and they will say "no, no thats not what we want" yea well i believe more in seeing jesus in 5 minutes then i do in what they say.. hows that sound? so im officially turning myself into an emotional vampyre and a total fucking prick.. its not so hard, ive been a prick most of my life so im sure i can be an even worse one.. so to the next chick that i happen to run across watch the fuck out, because your gonna be the poor recipient who has to deal with me no longer giving a fuck... whats prompted this? too much... im fucking done.. done done done.. that and im going to get into more fist-fights... man do i really wanna punch somebody in the fucking mouth lately..  so to conclude.. from now on being nice is OUT and fucking, throwing away, and mistreating, and o yea fist-fights are in... im officially getting my wieght up.. fuck you....

so im trying to write this poem
something to cure this fever and pain
but the rain keeps pouring down
and theres no light for me to follow
and it wont come out the way i want it too
and i dont want to offend a reader
and im scared to fall again
but its too late
and im already on the fucking floor
im drinking to stay warm
and kill selected memories
nobody else really gives a shit
except this schitzo friend i call mine
he comes out after a few drinks
and begs for the perfect spring
and the perfect kiss
and the perfect girl
but then he kills her
and any chance for it to be alright
because he wants more of the same
misery and torture
its all his claim to fame
hes dying to be noticed
but wishing to be forgotten
shell forget
it was easy enought for them to learn
they all forget
they all refuse to forgive
cept one
but i killed her
that cunt asked for it
im never enough
and alwasy too sweet
well brush this painted bruise
off my broken face
your stalker hit me last nite
i tried to act tough
i tried to be something other then me
this dream in my brain wont go away
it came along a few nights ago
nobody was around to tell me not so
now its stuck and is breathing all my air
suffocating this glow in the dark
fucked up heart
im confused
was it really you?
did this have any meaning?
no no no
its a horrible ghost
of a vague fleeting hope
i made up to make myself feel better
to let atrocities go
commited felonies against my heart
someone needs to do some jail time
they all need to die
who should i start with?
you? or you? or how about the bringer of the first?
this sun rises and then it sets
im still waiting for the moon
and some rain to go have it wash away
these blood soaked hands
i tried to cut my own heart out
but it wasnt even there
i think someone else stole it
im gonna cut that bitch
when i find out who she was
im gonna shank her good
and then shove my dick in her mouth
and make her pay
thats really the only way
im sick of being the fucking servant
master and puppeteer is what i should be
too bad i cant cut these strings that keep getting pulled
and thier hands are molding a perfect speciman
for fools and lonliness
and deserted half truths
of promises ive never made to you
only a glimmer of patience
and a waver of speed
with time as the host
i accepted thee
the priest who gave that communion
must havce been in works with the devil
time wasted
so fucking god damn fucking cliche
it hurts to type
it hurts to breath
but this drink is soothing to the soul
it makes it numb
it makes me dumb
it makes me everything i can never be
something fancy
how precious
how curious
lets dance
so you can laugh
and make me the laughing stock of your jokes
everyone needs something
i need to find this heart
that was stolen
and shit
i know you need a good laugh
well its here
its waiting
for some more fucking littered streets
of a mind
dueling with left behinds
and batterd bruises
made by unforgiving words
they werent mine
they werent from these lips
that seem so poisoned
when the poisen hasnt passed them for a night
drink from this poison
how youve grown to cherish it
how youve slowly dehabilited me
this home doesnt seem the same
these drunken nights
fade and click
photos of somewhere i dont remember to have been
its irrelevant really
this is alll just a hoax
concocted by your schemeing
lets sail away
dissapearing
then you can throw me off the boat
and do us both a favor
with a whisper and a kiss
i thank you
for unlacing these eyes
they were dreaming
and inventing perfect situations
for a midnight kiss
a sensual tryst
and it echoes through
standing in a world
invented but inviting
i never got the invitation
must have been lost in the mail
scattered i clean your hair
velvet on this chest
it singes through
burns underneath
the endlessness of blue
this is all a horror
a horror of the truth,.,,,

Annointing this trembling throat
with a scented cure
for this poison that is ailing me
of fevers and dreams
with broken mirrors
and shitlaced screams
of foolish depravity
for things that werent meant to be
and dancing girls
entwine with lips locked
inviting another thats not me
and this wound is worn
blatantly on my sleeve
a timely fashion seemed proper
i wanted to change
everything you need
is nothing i can ever be
and this decaying liver
is getting more work
and im praying more
for rain
and to be something other then me
this cigarette is burning
and my lungs are filling
with liquor
stained with fleeting memories
the doctor said i had 34 days
you would be away for 33
and the one before was with the wolves
they never seem to go away
so sweet and innocent
lost with every hit i take
your face shone so bright
against the backdrop of the moon
and my hand cupped and ready
pathetic and thoughtfull
dropped to three knees
one to hold my own weight
and two for yours
started out broken
so quickly replaced
not up to par
too caring for the likes of
anyone
ill close the bar
and spit on the floor
it reminds me of what could have been
this morning it was clean
now its ridduled with dirt and grime
images of my soul
ill spit on that too
you dont know how it feels
and everything is never fine...

My dissillusioned thoughts flutter
across a memory thats no good for me
a thought held with upside down frowns
quickly changes to stares
focus on the blade
no need in trusting a heart
and there is no mind left to converse with
i waited for a sign from god
all i got was a nod from hell
now this rain beats on my window sills
and this phone rings with wonder
im not answering
and im not calling
im not talking
promises spoken in dead time
while i slept
broken cracked and shattered
like the peices of the mirror
stranded on the floor
this bloody fist
tastes like wine
of a sour kind

well im going to quit my go nowhere job soon and im going to spit in some cunts face when i do it... that where thats at... sometimes i wonder if this life is worth living.. i mean everything is an up and a down, but its always so far to each extreme...the only constants i have is the bottle and my misery and i keep them close by beacsue they are all i have...tomorrow i drop the bike off to be fixed.. if its more then $100 im fucked.. so lets get ready to get fucked folks... the script for my boy is late, my story is stil not done and she stil isnt calling.. but fuck her is the recent development.. so there.. too bad im a bad liar.. too bad i cant take the good things that get presented to me.. i have to make everything difficult.. the sun rises and the sun sets on an empty bed and a shallow heart... the bank tide flows and the sillouhette of a new face shimmers off the water.. it decays and hisses at every approach... every approach, wanted hours before, denied in a moments passing... i need a way to make a decenmt amouint of money, i need to get out of here.. Jaco, LA, fucking mexico.. i dont care anymore.. somewhere other \then here.. somewhere where nobody knows my name because its riddled with nothing but hurt, regret and sorrow for all who come close.. i dont want to drag anyone else down with me... im sorry..

what i need is a revolver with a single bullet to show the truth
a crowd echoes muttering sympathies
with visitation rights
stricken from the record
my world began to fall
you turned and ran
before miscomunicated presumptions
like ghosts mutter
and whisper like children
secrets the parents cant hear
dreams they will loose 16 years from now
i scream and shout the way i do
i just dont un-love the same as you
now i throw it all away
turn-coat
silver coated upside down
my four leaf clover
i burned you
torched, flamed, and decreed
the way i do
im scared
twilight gardens
hanging mist of fortunes past
and memories clinging like flies to shit
100 nights ive laid my head to sleep
99 ive dreampt
fingers slither
wrists shiver
and this body aches
like telegraphs with the good-bye message
it hovers over this dreary pillow
golden crusted
porcelian tears
make shift baby doll
smashed with a flick of a wrist
and a perfect hit
lips wet with excitement
all those things
i didnt mean a word
i meant it all
a liar in sheeps skin
a pussy in a man's clothing
soldier to a personal vietnam
brother to an only child
regret slides down my throat
welcome my friend!
its only been half a day
how ive missed you so
its been lonely without you
take it all away wont you?
just take it all away
this mind is not made up for two
seven sevens seven times in a row
jackpot
for you not me
forty-five and one
miles away from here
stories how i'd love to hear
7 feet under and there is no care
dead for a year
new birth equals new death
precious baby
left abandoned
haunted by words of make belive
and thoughts of skin
temple made of flesh
desacrated in days time
no space and time
no transendence
forget decadence
its faded
chilvary is dead
and mortal desires seem unwanted
delivery from a black winged bird
ive been crying
and she hasnt even been thinking
dear diary
dear diary
why am i so alone?
its just you and me
another night
another empty bottle
bleed me dry
razor sharp
denial
these lies arent made for one
the king of shit
remains
queenless
and waiting for the rain
to clean the kingdom
and let it begin again
i just wanna be home again
sweet unfiltered arms
and tender lips
the brow is never dry enough
and these cheeks are never pale enough
forever red with shame
and forever still this heart
nots beat
when i think of heaven
theres no thinking of me
id be in service
to a one and only queen
but ive been drinking
kissing the bottle
when i should have been kissing her
smashing mirrors
because they remind me
please let me in out of the rain...

upon request... 2 pages from the Saga that seems to never end... and my i say that after loosing full control last nite i just might be pulling everything together again.. now all i need is a good binder involving lots of booze and a casino.. any of you nice ladies want to sponser me? i cant promise a return on the money but im gonna try me best.... worst case scenario ill become your slave for a bit.... without further adu.. pages 20 n 21... enjoy people...

“So friggen what? So take care of this tonight and then you can try and patch things up with Guenivere at a later date. Why are you sweating this bitch so hard? She dissed you already, she’s not gonna fucking call you back either way. You know this, I know this, and Drew over here knows this. Just fucking realize it already, she wants nothing to do with you anymore. You fucked that one up, simple as that. And to top it all off, Guenivere isnt even half as hot as this bitch is.”
Those words rang through my head like a shotgun blast repeatedly going off. “You fucked that one up.” There was no getting around it, there was nothing i could do about it. I had ruined it with her and now it was over. Time and time again, whenever i found one that i really liked, i found a way to fuck it up. How could i do this again? I swore to myself that i wouldnt let this happen with her, this time around it was going to be the real thing. There is no real thing when it comes to affairs of the heart, just a lock of hair that you stare at everynight they aren’t there, and shattered glass everwhere because every mirror you see reminds you of her. A wave of depression came crashing down on me and covered me like a blanket of self-loathing.
Mary came back with two of her friends and everyone quickly introduced each other. I went from a not wanting to leave the house to a a big great fucking triple date party. All i wanted now was to get drunk and be left alone but it was far too late for that, only thing left to do was keep drinking until i died (or at least that was the plan). Satori and Drew without hesitation both picked one of her friends and paired up with them. On all normal accounts it would have been a perfect situation, Mary was gorgeous and both her friends were almost as hot as her. I finally got the prettiest one and i didn’t even want her was all i could think. I needed another drink already so i grabbed Mary and took her up to the bar with me.
“What do you want to drink?”
“Ummmm, just get me a Kronenberg.” Well at least this girl knew her beers.
I got our drinks and we went back to join the rest of the pack. Looking around everyone seemed so happy, everyone was smiling and laughing. I felt myself putting on the same face but i was dying inside, every fiber within me was screaming for notice. Every word that rolled off her tounge was a shot to my temple, a fistfull of pins and a pocket full of daggers. It was all just a reminder of Guenivere and how i would never get the girl. What was the point of even talking to Mary anyway? No matter what happened, im sure i would find a way to fuck it up eventually. I finished my drink in two hits and it was apparently decided to go to another bar.
I got outside and lit a cigarette, the first drag in that state is always the most fullfilling.
“Hey, can i have one of those?” She asked me.
“Sure sweetheart, but they are Marlboro red’s. I dont know if thats too strong for you.”
“Too strong for me? Hahaha, thats what i smoke silly. I figure that if your gonna smoke cigarettes then fuck you might as well smoke a real cigarette.”
“My sentiments exactly, to tell you the truth.”
“So are you ok and all? Do you not want us to hang out with you guys?”
“That’s kind out of nowhere. Why would you say something like that?”
“I dunno, it’s just you don’t really seem all that into me or anything thats going on right now.” This was my chance to just get rid of her and go somewhere else alone to keep drinking. She was giving me the oppurtunity and all i had to do was take it. I might have even been able to do it in such a way that didnt even hurt her feelings.
“I’m sorry, its just that you met me on a bad night i guess. I just have alot of shit on my mind so im kind of out of it. I wasn’t even going to come out but these guys insisted and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I am really having fun with you though, even if it doesnt look like it. Im definately glad i met you, so don’t worry.”
“So what’s on your mind then?”
“How about if i promise to not think about it for the rest of the night and then i’ll just tell you another time?”
“Ok, i’ll go along with that but your gonna have to tell me eventually.” She just smiled and put her arm around mine as we walked. What the fuck was i thinking? That was my out, now i have to pull it all together and i was already so drunk. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to keep her around, shit seemed cool enough there was only one problem. She wasn’t Guenivere. We walked inside and before i had a chance to order drinks the bartender walked over and handed me a Jameson. I got Mary a drink and we went over to the jukebox to play a few songs.
“So what do you wanna hear?”
“See if they have any “My Chemical Romance,” i really like them.”
“Really? That’s crazy cuz they are one of my favorite bands right now. It’s nice to see you have good taste in music.”
“That’s not all i have good taste in.” She said as she leaned over to kiss me and i realized i was trapped. If i didn’t kiss her back then i would be scarred from ever talking to her again (even though i kept telling myself that i didnt care but alas a beautifull woman is hard to pass up) but if i kissed her then deal would be signed and sealed. I was too drunk to even care anymore and she was too beautifull to say no. I accepted her kiss and leaned foward having her lips meet mine. Her lips felt so soft and to my surprise she was an amazing kisser. There is nothing worse then kissing a girl for the first time to find out that she has no idea what the fuck she is doing. There have been many a girls where thier first kiss was also their last for this reason alone. You can’t teach someone to bea good kisser either, i tried once and it failed miserably.
When we finally pulled back from each other i looked straight at her and she was biting the side of her lip. I knew full well what this meant because i found myself doing everytime i kissed Guenivere. She was into me and mine if all i would do was what i should have done right at that moment. I lacked the guster and the get go, i lacked the desire because my artiries were blocked with clots of Guenivere. I was choking on love that hadn’t even had a chance to materialize, i was suffocating myself without acknowledgeing it.
“What’s that face all about?” I asked her.
“Nothing, its just that i want another one of those already.” God she had such a cute smile, i was starting to get entranced in her eyes when i felt a pitchfork poke me in the right side of my face. That bastard devil who sits there was reminding me of Guenivere and refused to let it go. I had no choice but to listen to him, he was right again. I drained my drink and felt myself slip over that edge of drunk and too drunk. Trying to keep some sort of focus was almost impossible. I sat there with her doing my best to keep composure and slowly sipping my next drink. She was beyond drunk herself but i seriously doubted if she was anywhere near the level i had attained.
.

dont u want more???