On the notion of Smoking--- God how i love you mr. cigarette. i once had an epiphany on acid when i was a kid, and during it i remember that a friend of mine had broken down a scene from star wars and then began acting it out with a cigarette being a cast member. During this acid infused mess of a talk he eventually reached a high point, stopped, and then said "Nicotine, you are my father, and it is you that i wish to be with". This is still to this day one of the most hysterical things i have ever heard, and if memory serves me right, something it rarely does, i believe it was lamp that said it. God that was funny, and so important at the time because during that acid trip i must have smoked over a pack of cigarettes.

God, nicotine i love you.

Do i really need to go over the reasons for all this? Really? If you're not a smoker you are totally missing out on such an amazing experience. The tempting and teasing of how you shouldnt have the first drag as you light it, and then you blow that smoke out feeling the release of pleasure that is just about to hit your cancer ridden lungs, now it finally comes, HERE IT IS.

you lay it down on the ashtray to let the notion of it resonate in your mind, and now (as i write this i am actually acting it out) you take that first full pull, watch as the smoke puffs around your mouth, let it linger, and then suck the rest of it in. Ahhhhhh. How good it feels as i feel the nicotine swirl around my insides and then absorb it through my bloodstream. i can sense it overtake me, how it awakens me, how it makes me want to relax, keep on trucking if you will through the day or now my night. i haven't even finished this one and i already want another one but thats silly, so i shouldnt. Let's not even discuss the fact of how it goes with my beer. GOD HOW IT GOES WITH MY BEER!!! a beer without a cigarette is like having sex with a condom.. just not that good. seriously.

now that i've outlined the beauty of nicotine, well, i'm forced to do what i originally intended to do with this post. i hate writing this but its true. i need to quit. God how i want to quit, but on the same hand, two fingers away even, i have absolutely no desire too. i enjoy it too much. So what do i do? Well, if it was up to me i probably wouldnt quit.. i mean, i want to, im sick of coughing and not being able to walk uphill for more than ten steps.. man that sucks, have you ever tried walking uphill for more than ten steps? that shit is fucking hard, like for real hard. So see, the want is sort of there, it really is, its a gross habit and it smells, but god its so good. Also on a side note, does anyone else have this feeling that if they smoke in front of their significant others parents its like a fucking end all to be all type of no-no? like "oh no, you cant let them see you smoke!" like it would automatically label me as a horrible good for nothing person... get real. its a god-damned cigarette.

See as much as i want to go into out i should/want/and need to quit, i keep coming up with reasons to defend it. Wanna know my best reason? It's pretty simple.

Why are Europeans allowed to smoke and i'm not? i mean wtf? WHAT THE FUCK! the french seem to smoke all the time, and they are healthy as shit! motherfucker, they even glorify it in movies still! our dumbfucked country has admittedly banned smoking in movies practically because it gives young adults (who by the way will be a whole nother post all fucking together on the idiocy of how our country believes that young people are so easily swayed we could convince them to eat shit if a celebrity does it) the false impression that its "cool" to smoke.. How many movies do you know or remember where the french are smoking? or are you too fucking dumb to not have realized yet that the french may not have "special effects" but yet still seem to make the most amazing movies you have ever NOT SEEN? god you fucking people are ignorant.

anyway, i digress.

My girlfriend wants me to quit because she's afraid of the repricussions of me smoking, not to mention she hates the smell (even though on a drunken night she enjoys a stick of wonder and beauty all her own, but thats ok, cuz she says so) and she also, well, she doesnt like it. And lets face facts people, you wanna be your own man, but once you commit to a relationship with a female and end up deciding that you love and care about said female, well, youre fucked. You have to do things they want, because, i dunno, it matters to them and you want them to be happy. ( again, another future post waiting to happen).

i digress too easily.

So i'm quitting, i've ordered the patches from that fucking no good smoking quit line that you used to see during EVERY MOTHERFUCKING METS GAME LAST SEASON!!! GOD I HATED THAT SHIT! I KNOW IM FUCKED BITCH! I DONT WANNA SEE YOUR STUPID HOLE IN THE FUCKING THROAT ASS DURING EVERY GAME! ITS YOUR GOD-DAMNED FAULT YOU SUCKED TOO MUCH DICK AND GOT A HOLE IN YOUR THROAT, OR MAYBE IT WAS ALL THE METH... IT WASNT THE FUCKING NICOTINE, ITS ALL YOUR LIES AND PROPAGANDA TO STOP MAKING ME ENJOY ONE OF MY LAST TRUE HAPPINESS!!! FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER"!!!

yeah, so i'm quitting.. i refuse to give up till the patches get here.. god knows when that will be. hopefeilly not for a thousand weeks, but i know thats a lie and they are coming. i'm gonna have to go through it with it, its better for me and for my darling lady friend. except, for once (well not only once, ive wished to be foreign million times) i wish i was french, cuz for them its ok. i dont know what im gonna do, im sure im gonna be a cranky, angry bastard. and lets face it, do you know me? im most likely the most highly cranky/angriest/disgruntled/vicious bastard you know.. so how am i going to react without nicotine? not good my friends, not good..

so here's the gist of it all.. you're not gonna believe my reasoning..

don't get a girlfriend. she will make you quit smoking and you will fucking hate everyone and their mother even more than you already do.

and with that, i'm gonna finish this food (which i took a break from eating to smoke a cigarette) and then smoke another one while she complains from the other couch...

Nicotine, you truly are my Father...