New Beginnings

Well, I guess it must start sometime. I suppose it's not the medium that counts, its just getting it out. I'm so afraid I don't have what it takes anymore but this is the one way to get what I want. So, I guess here I go.... 


The story is the heart...

My...

My brain is broke

My heart...

I cannot tell you how my heart
feels

It has never felt this way before

Broken is not a word
destroyed is not a notion
decimated is not a feeling

alone...

and sorry..

sorry for a thousand nights and

forever now....

Yeah..

Your beauty was lost on

me

I was wrong for not

seeing all you were

and now

I am left without

because

I was not a good enough man

No matter how many

tables I turn now

My sorry

will never be enough.. 

Once more

It is not your lips
that I strive to
feel again
It is your heart
that I beg
To touch once
again
It is not your
love that I wish was
once mine again
It is your everything

that I can never
ever
have
once more...

blergh

im dying
without you

and yet you
still keep shoving
your non desire
for me

in my face

so i hope i
die tonight
i hope i
dont wake up

thanks.
for not

coming back.

Sigh

If
 We
  Could
   Talk
    Would
     You
       Even
        Say

Hello?

Happy 96th Birthday Buk...

The Retreat


this time has finished me.
I feel like the German troops
whipped by snow and the communists
walking bent
with newspapers stuffed into
worn boots.
my plight is just as terrible.
maybe more so.
victory was so close
victory was there.
as she stood before my mirror
younger and more beautiful than
any woman I had ever known
combing yards and yards of red hair
as I watched her.
and when she came to bed
she was more beautiful than ever
and the love was very very good.
eleven months.
now she's gone
gone as they go.
this time has finished me.
it's a long road back
and back to where?
the guy ahead of me
falls.
I step over him.
did she get him too?

A happy little home

I'm watching the letters stain my heart, each time it comes up. I'm wondering if there's been an explosion of you and them, all of them. If each time you leave you are pressing to another mans lips, if you're going to drink and if you tell them you want them.

You used to want me.

You used to want me.

Now i watch the smile fade from my face. Each time i let myself drift into what could have been.

And there's nobody here

to dry these fucking eyes.

And i keep saying "i wont forget you." Like i believe that you think the same

Like i believe, there is still a glimmer of hope.

How many games have i played? How many stories have i read?

Sometimes it works out, sometimes the guy gets the girl back. They live happily ever after. Like the transgressions have been rectified.

PRAY LORD JESUS~~!

i would, i would pray so fucking hard to that motherfucker

i would go to church, and stop creating spirits to do my bidding

and now i'm stuck in a bit of a position
because once everything is said and done
i'm not sure i'll be able to live

with

myself...

i thought i heard you come in the front door earlier

i actually said hello

it wasn't you

you won't come
 back to this
  destroyed
    but i'm rebuilding!
                                home............

Sorry sorry so...rr...yyyy

I thought i could have
should have
maybe i thought
i had the ability'

to not call you

to not tell you
to show you
to prove
to
you

I'm doing better
I'm turning into what you
I
Always wanted

It sucks
Like a thousand moments in
front of the sun
I
can't
stand the
pain

It was all my fault
and now you
wont let me
say
I'm sorry
I'm so
so
so
fucking
sorry

but it's too late
you've replaced me
does he live close?
Is he right around
the
corner

is he
better
than...

No, he's not better than me
He never will be
I...

I,,,

I, am so
sorry

One more chance
like asking for a 4 count
when 3 was for the winner

and my head reaches up from
the mat

a little
too
late..

But I'd do anything
anything,,,,
for one more
chance
to show you
I'm worthy
of everything
you always
thought I
was...

I
love
you
still

Not for your ears

Each day
I address
like a speaker in the house

"is today the day you say?"

and i slink back and write
a cowards sorry

although

sorry is not strong enough
a
word

Perhaps

Today is the day I say...

She said...

I wonder if she'll ever...
he said

come home?
she asked

Yes, if you'll ever..
He said.

Love you?
she asked.

Yes, if you'll ever...
he said

Try again?
she asked.

Yes, if you'll..
he said

No, I don't believe I will...
she said

Then kiss me good-bye
let the silent breeze
carry these tears
across your lips
and remember
I could have been
forever...

Birthday

Today...

Reminds me

of why

you

left..

a ruined day

i always thought
i
still
had a chance

in his arms
again
you
show theres a better
chance at me
seeing jesus

because
these arms
it seems
will not enfold you
again

and my day now
is ruined
and torn
i hope
his kisses
are as loving
as
mine....

sigh

i cant even look
towards the
future

cause
you
wont

and for
it
i will pay

my
whole
life....

This says it all...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xi49yirJiEA

Embers

This was the
well
you know what it was
it was

i know
forgot me nots
became forgot me nows

but i still feel inside
i still feel within

was it good?
was it fine?

The secret is out

His hands caressed the skin
that I covet
that I thought would always
be
just
for me

Foolish idiot

I was...

Cross my heart
and lie to me
Even if you promise to me
I'll let you
let
me
down...

There's no
Jesus fucking christ
there's no coming
back
like a black door
slammed shut
with a love
that is now
a destruction
on a home
that can no longer
be built
I follow the words
I follow the love

these penny papers
keep reporting
on nothing I care to see
All i want to know
is beyond me

These hands are red from
my own guilt
and I can't wash them off
without help
but you sit idle by
watching me in the park sinks
like a savage
scrubbing
and crying
and scrubbing

I keep at them
until blood
becomes the red
and the thoughts
disappear
into something
i can use
to sleep at night
but there's never
any real
sleep
I think about
The entering our life
and How i didn't take
enough pieces
cause
if
i did

you would still be looking to get
them back

but instead you're
looking at new dudes
new puzzle pieces
because mine didn't
fit

god

I wanted them to fit more
than anything I've

like the sun staying out forever
like the moon kissing me from afar

I wanted those pieces to fit

and now you wont bend
you wont hold down
a corner
just to make
it
fit

There's enough of time to reconstruct
to forget

all of this being a tragedy

So i'm left with not
much
of any sort of recourse
nothing
nothing
think about it
inside your skull

you have no chance
I know you know this
and I'm talking
to
my
sad
sad
self

So what

what do i do?

sit around and wait for
another chance?
you're beating it
into my skull
with a dull hammer
that there's no pieces
i can find
none I can just hope
to fit into
what would give
me that second

third

chance...

Tonight, i watch as all
of these dreams
fall to the
wayside

hello cliffside

hello end of the road

this is My dream

take is as you wish and

make sure she sees as it dies

curdles like its been out in the son

too long

Our promises have fallen

on deaf
ears..

don't forget,
you asked for
this....

I wanted to be your

MAN

forever and ever

with an extra ember...

Castles

So how do I convince
someone who's taken
the plea deal
and given up
on
me?

How do I burn these logs
create promises
beg
and
plea
through a bundle of smoke
coming off the campfire
where it just stings
and hurts your
eyes


I've lost my way now
I wander woods
In the darkness
I wander the streets
In the hope
of being able
to prove to you

That I'm still the one

The breakfast making
the ride giving
the confidence boosting

broken man

Who would have guessed?
I'd be laying here
puddle of tears
holding back
fighting everything I've ever been
to defeat
the boss
the one
who doesnt even have you?

You're in another castle?
Aren't you

It's ok, Ill keep
on
Like the only one
the one who

I wanted to be that one for you

I would have beaten every castle
I would have vanquished every boss
I would have beat the gane

just to feel your lips

pressed against

mine..

So tell me?
What do i do now?
Who do I have to beat?
Was he better than me tonight?
Did he have more Hp?

I'll fight till my last breath...

and then I'll use a ring of sacrifice
and vanquish
because
i
have
no
other choice

not for
the
one...

A promise

sigh
this
is
the most
painful
one

cause I hope
deep down
in the depths of this
corrupted soul
the one
that was never
good enough
for you

the date
become someone
that would
never forget
you

It was this night
this moon
they came with dying
dreams of talking
but
I'm still asleep
and these words
fall on deaf
shielded eyes

I'd ask to sleep
just a little bit more
just a few more hours
in an eternal slumber
where you're
still
there
waiting
for me

But now,
his hands are on
your skin
and I can't let go
it's like a fire
that I'd rather engulf me
then have to watch
you press

those

perfect

lips

against his...

I told you I swear
I told you I swear
that you were the....

you took that all from me

now I'm a ghost
I never
existed
and I still have a promise

to someone
that doesn't remember
I ever
even
fucking
made
it...

Noose

Ok

You've got me partner

I've not been great

and I'm guilty

take me to the guillotine

take me to
the

noose

I deserve it
for all that

I've done

Believe me

It's the truth

I swear

I will take my punishment

I'm living it now

every moment

god
i
thought
it
would
never
come
to
this..

Not the Letter

This is not
the letter

I wanted to

send

I wanted to write
something

beyond my skill

something to make

you weep

where you stood
where you stand

but I'm scared it wont

make you feel

what

i feel...

Sweet Dreams

To quote someone else

"I'm dreaming less,
and sleeping more"

my nights are filled with terrors
and moments of serenity
being in a horror movie
would be a welcome sight
to the way i feel
it hurts
just a little
little
too
much

I drift off to sleep
after a battle of monsters
and balls
after skimming through
like a thief rummaging
through others insecurities

Their faces aren't as pretty as yours
their blurbs are boring
compared to
walking alone with
you
while you hold your breath
and just
dream

But I keep on,
cause you know
dont leave me alone
i can't handle being alone
now i swipe and i swipe
everyday
until you
your precious
beautiful
face
comes across my bright screen
and i know
i know
i fucking know
you're not listening
you can't hear my pleas
you can't hear

i

would

do

anything...

The Undertaker

This is the "curtain call"

This is the final encore

We're short on time
and i can't stop
can't control
pushing you
with the force of a thousand voices
and dark signs
with no prayers
of salvation
no spells of forget me
nots
and I just push you
punch you
kick you

away

from me.

This isn't the me
I envisioned in the
beginning

This isnt the me
I thought I was

But now were out of time
aren't we?
You no longer believe
not
in
me.

And I can't win
like a gambling game
like a spin of the dice
I can't win
You're not gonna
believe
in me...

So i'll stay here
cracking
flakes of my heart
fall off every day
I watch them
they slip through these fat fingers
like sands
through an hourglass
they are gone
and gone
and gone

And you wont stop it
just stop it
but you
don't care
this heart is
no longer
in your care
the undertaker
is on vacation
and she
may never
ever
ever

return....

Park Benches

This now is where
the sad children come
they gather
and gather
like blind souls
with no home

They live inside me
screaming to be unleashed
to be
let
out
but
you wont fall for it
this time

So i stare at profiles
and debates on yes's
or no's

I know i'm a mess right now
but you have to
believe

please
believe

with days spent in-between
reality
sickness
and confusion

i'm sitting on that park bench
with nothing here for me
nothing there for me
just lonliness
and the feeling

that this body
will never mend

that this heart
will never heal

I'd wait it out for you
I'd hold on for you
I'd make sure

I was still there for you...

Michael

I want to answer
all questions

I'll take the stand

Your honor!

I'm here
and i swear
and i swear
and i swear
and i swear

by your bible

My word is the truth

I'd still trade forever in
another moment
another day
another second
for just one more
little word

I just want to hear
my name
one
more
time

Sorry Captain

This
is the beginning
of the story
I always wanted

told

By my soul that
was so far below
the depth forgot
to cover me

So I'm delving deep now
calling up to the

captain

sorry to burden you

captain

this one is not your fault

Please

Please

forgive me

If i die down here let me
be
let me be enveloped by
the waves
of my malcontent
of the dreams
I abandoned in
my infancy

I'm sorry captain
but what hurts more now
is that
I would still

die

for

you

Sorry

I suppose 

I shall never

be sorry

enough

to

win back

your 

heart...

The beginning of the end...

This is where it hurts
This is where i die
This is where

she
is
not

Things left to give
care not

I'd trade a thousand
million
any
things

for one
more

kiss....

damnation

Some nights the darkness envelops like a warm
comforting
blanket of love that feels like
the sun should never rise
it would only ruin my good time
with the dark

then other nights
those are the worst
the dark is only a scorned lover
mocking you when you awake
staring into her
seeing a face that
will never be there again

those are the moments
most feared
like the boogey man
under your bed
mine, she lives in my dreams
and comes for me
when i',m most vulnerable

damn you

and damn all others

for not taking your place.

Here we go again, finally.

Well, here we go again I suppose. I just bought a new laptop finally after not having one for months and completely unable to really get work done. So.... I guess now i have no excuse to get back to writing on THEE novel, or maybe starting a new one or some short stories. I actually have a bunch of ideas rolling around in my head so it seems like its time now. I'm also going to update this blog even though I dont know whos looking or nor do i care. Its kind of just for me anyway and if you find it interesting then good for you.

I havent been doing anything but working lately anyway, work work work work work. And for that, i havent seen people i call friends or even those that i dont, but after my last drunken foray into that world, i needed to just go away. Sometimes the ego gets the best of you, and other times, the alcohol does. Either way, i wasnt at my best and ive needed to hide. Better for me, better for most of you. Although, i wish i was back in the times where i didnt have to, and i had my muse, and she made everything alright, A-O-K. 

shes gone though, been gone for years, never coming back. 

get over it faggot.

So, we start a new chapter now. A new chapter of writing. A new chapter of blogging.

A new chapter of getting this word out so that I can do it for a living.

and say good-bye to all those ive been avoiding.

lets get it soon, my children.

in between sleep

you spend your days lamenting about a lost love
only to find that she never treated you right
and then you spend your nights lamenting about the one that
taught you the fucking lesson
if the volume on this television would go down
you would end up lamenting about your dreams
and how falsifications seem to sink into your nightly travels
rejections run rampant in an ego infested with
winners
but the truth that losers are real
and you may be one
hurts like that blade that glows when evil is around
sting
yeah,
it hurts like that when i think of how
i'm not good enough
and i'm going to sleep now
afraid of seeing some of you
but knowing one of you may show up
and i'll roll over come six am
thinking i've become enough
and you're there
only to find
it;s just one of my cats
beneath my arms

whatever
they will love me more than
you
ever
could.

growing up

my first 15 years were born through hell
neglected like a step child was how my days were lived
"he has special needs" i was told
day in and day out
i was forsaken until i was old enough to know what
forsaken meant
and then that ended and it was time for school
you need to learn all these things
that you will never use again
you've been prepared for it for 6 grades before
you should know it by now
but the books are nothing
they were the easy part
kids are bastards
little savage fucking bastards
so spend your seventh grade picked on
beat up
bullied
tossed around like a joke
your life is a joke
then take it all in
breathe
and learn how to deal with that
that's what i did
spend another grade not sure where
to sit
during lunch
because nobody loves you
but nobody hates you enough to push you
away
as far
as you push yourself inside
spend another year
with two friends
when everyone else has twelve
there's a new school now
a high school
it's like a new beginning 
except everyone from before is still there
and they've grown grislier
that's alright
i took the high road with those son of bitches
i worked out all summer, day, night, day, night
in a gym with men i couldnt understand
i went to school then
high school
it was the first day of our new lives
and they acted like it was the second day of our old lives
this kid who used to beat on me jumped right back in
"hey Aidan, you're a little bitch, get away from our table"
i had waited three months for that moment and i told him
"no"
he looked around at his friends who were
the same little shits
that called themselves my
friends
bastards
young men are
the lunchroom fell silent
even the seniors waited
to see what i would do
"i'm sick of your shit, you wan't a problem with the kid?
then let's fucking dance at the end of school."
he reeled with surprise
his tiny chest pumped up
without another idea as what to do
you had to see it through son
you had to see it through
"ok, well do that then," he said with only a small conviction
it was then that i knew
i would whoop his ass
i had spent 75 out of 86 days in the gym
with nothing but my rage
pushing and lifting
shoving and hurting
for just this moment 
the clock on the wall
above each classroom door
ticked as if it knew
the things i held deep inside this dark heart of mine
other kids walked up to me during classes
"you'll get him Aidan!"
"this is your day Aidan"
there was support behind me
but i didnt want it
just as much as i wanted their
shitty friendship
the bell for the last class of the day
buuuuuuuzzzzzzzeeeedddd
and everyone knew it was
time
i calmly gathered my stuff from my locker
and the crowds grew outside where there was going to be a show
this was the first fight of the year and there were expectations
i walked outside with my dumb friends singing the song from rocky
trying to build confidence that was already so high
i could have toppled buildings like a monster
the groups of us met outside and began our walk
you couldn't fight in front of the school
we went around the corner to a parking lot
and then it was time
tick-tock-tick-tock
they were waiting for the violence
once the groups had been rounded and all the rules had been set in
place
no interferance
unless he's bleeding
unless he's dying
it's one on one
we squared off
fists up
anger's flared
except he really had no anger for me
he had only been a bully for the past three years
bullies have no anger towards their victims
that was his downfall
i had grown such a hatred that i spent
an entire summer
feeding it
the gym had become a nourishing agent
and this was the time that i finally let the fruits of the garden
shine
we danced for a few moments
kids in a circle screaming for blood
everyone looking for someone to call
the victor
and that's when it happened
this kid
full of pimples
and would spend the rest of high school
ridiculed for being a "pizza face"
shunned by all the girls
who now aren't worth his time
he finally got handed the right cards
it was the first time in my life i
felt everything was right
as he swung at my face and missed
junior high school abuse
wedgies and pointing
became unleashed in an arm
that came around and
connected with the side of his jaw
the sound around the collective group wasnt disdain
it was only surprise
and it grew louder
when the next punch landed straight against his nose
letting out a spray of blood
the kids were in shock and a collective gasp
made it uncomfortable for everyone
except me
as i unloaded another blow
across his temple while he staggered
he was unable to regain his wits
while another blow rained like Loki on Thor
the sound of thunder cracked
and when he fell
i pounced on him so similar
to a lion on its prey
that the crowd moaned unsure as to what to do
and when i was finally pulled off
these fists had destroyed his face so bad
it took two weeks for him to look normal
like a person
again
he had tortured me for years
after that day
and through my entire high school career
one that entailed three different schools
nobody every
fucked with me
again.
and to this day
i'll fight till i'm knocked out
but i'll never take
a wedgie
from someone
ever again...

she'll swallow you whole

i'm still bothered by these dreams
four poems in
and i cant stop thinking
how dare you
act one way in the real world
and another in my sleep
sleep is for the gods
where i become a god
save when i lucid dream
and project astrally
yet you sat there
admiring my love
speaking while enthralled
with all the emotion i could muster
and when i caressed your arm
it felt so natural that i
almost awoke
feeling that i was fitting
but i was only
being abusing
to myself and all the truths
that i had said
and you believed with a smile
always the pleaser
always the friend
so,
dealing with the truth sayer
makes dealing the beast that was
born
and swallowing hole
fit to be
nothing.

Destined to lose her

Tonight i feel prophetic
i want to write
i want to keep going until
the god's see me at this keyboard
and recognize me for
what i am
a genius stuck amongst idiots
one day they will look down
at all i have done
on my journey towards
fame
and reward me for it all
presents of fame
and money
although it's neither i desire
inside
outwardly i'll tell you different
but in the darkest corners of this
still beating heart
i only want two things
let me hammer these keys
with songs of love behind me
and a cold beer in my hand
during a moments respite
and please please please
promise me one more thing
give me a woman
a genuine one
who understands what it's all like
the need
the desire
the aching
the burning
the hurt when i go without
tapping at these keys
and i suppose
it would be swell
if you made her
beautiful
just like the ones i've
lost
before her....

my friend from work

i went to the bar tonight
with a girl from
work
she says we are friends
that's only because
i didn't want to sleep with her
ruin her
with all my
horribleness
we spoke of great things and how
we should make changes
how our hearts are now laid out
for savages to tear
to tiny pieces as if we
are nothing more than
toys
for them and their
lovely games
we drank
i had a shot and a beer
her
a large drink
we laughed
smoked
and confided in each others
misery
i still havent slept with her
that's because
i admire her
and she doesnt deserve
a monster
like
me

ghosts in the attic

So this was your fourth appearance
in three nights sleep
where you manifested yourself
to be a central character
the one who mattered most
the one who i woke up
thinking i needed to
phone
it's strange
because i don't love you
i barely even desire you anymore
you're not the one who haunted
like a ghost in an ancient house
and you're not the one who made me
forget about the ghost in the attic
you're nothing
to me
essentially
so, why are you
haunting these hours of slumber
so seductively?
there was no intamacy
no fluids passed
but i woke up this morning
in a frantic frenzy
and thought you were
going to be
my next book to put on the shelf
hoping you would be the one i
re-read everyday of my life
it's the worst feeling
anyone could ever have
to believe someone
beautiful
is next to them
only to realize
it's just their dumb
cat.

The table is not always round

There are often edges
as sharp
as an eagles talon
and as vicious
as silly words
they leave marks
on biceps
that look like teeth
and they cut
they
cut
oh
so
fucking
deep
just words
nothing more
but children dont play for keeps
and adults dont know how to play
when the only game i
tried
raised my hand for
even
is the one
that i hoped
would make
me smile
for a little
longer

what a fool i am
a fool of a took
when i should only accept
my fate
of being a lonely
single
eye
crimson red
filled with hurt
anger
and
dread

time to watch others
for god knows
how
much
this
time...

read read read

The breath of your speech
dies with the silence
while your thoughts dance
with a tango
and a salsa
of men more robust
than i
yet they are so
less than i have
ever been
their arms sell for $21.76
and i can find better whores
for quite less
better women
then just a strong arm
and not a large brain
it's a high note
tap those keys
I am more than you thought
more
come,
to the window
we'll have to do this
to make it like it's real
how cute
another poem
call yourself
a lovely writer
this one
is for you....

after reading that back to myself i feel i need to preface that im open and willing for someone to change my mind but..as the post before the last one says, its uhh... not working out so well.. whatever.. keep on trucking man, keep on trucking..

a litte too personal, but hey, i said id blog the truth.

well, here we are. I'm just gonna preface this with telling you that if you don't care or want to know something personal about me, turn away now. I probably shouldnt be writing this, and the fact that im fairly sober and doing this is strange. I just have to write right now, i need to get this out or I'm gonna go crazy. So, here i go.. also, i just put "the crow" on tv off of netflix while i write this.. point of that? go ahead, laugh now, but im such a hopeless romantic that its my favorite movie.. if youve seen it or read it, you know why.. so anyway, sigh, ok.. lets get started..

last night, well technically the night before last was not a good night for me. I ventured into a bar by my house with a good female friend of mine and as i went to look at what they had on tap, i was surprised by seeing someone who lives kinda far from the island now. we're friends, but shes better friends with the ex. After the awkward shock of seeing each other faded (it took about 3 seconds) i was told that i had to leave. but not nicely. i was told, i needed to leave "right fucking now". why you say? cause apparently the ex was there herself, just in the bathroom enjoying a little pee pee or whatever. i began to think about arguing the situation as c'mon, were fucking adults, cut it out. but...well she was quite adamant about the fact that i needed to run as if i had some sort of contagious disease and i could not be around to infect other people. Now... what do you do? stand your ground? say, shut up, ill do what i want. i'm an adult and she should be one too? or do you do the proper thing, and respect others wishes.. especially someone you care about...

yeah, as you should have guessed, i respected the wishes and quickly grabbed my friend by the back of her coat and told her that we needed to go.. so we left, and yeah, she was there. as i sat in the car i saw her come out of the bathroom and freak out after being told i had just been there. i watched as we pulled away from the bar and i looked inside seeing her from afar, and she looked outside, watching me in the car... is this the point i mention i couldnt breathe? i was practically hyperventilating and thought my heart was going to punch itself out of its chest.. i didnt even see the girl close up, i barely made her out from far away but knowing she was in the same building as me was enough to make me a mess. a frustrated, sad, angry, self loathing mess..

let me ask you a question... obviously you cant answer me, so i beg you to ask yourself this. What's the worst feeling you can have? Were all different, and this is an open question. There has to be an emotion that just tears you to pieces. that one that youll do anything to avoid. Mine? mine is easy. i hate feeling a lot of things, but the worst one, the absolute worse one, is feeling that i'm not good enough. i cant stand that feeling above all others. especially because contrary to popular belief, im really fucking awesome. i'm good looking, im somewhat fit, im sweet, and when im with a girl i like, i treat her like gold. to the point that ive been told that i do it TOO MUCH. i was once told by this particular girl in the middle of an argument something that sticks with me to this day. she said; "You know your problem? do you? you put me in front of you. You put my needs and wants and feelings before your own." is this a bad thing? i'm still unsure. i still kinda think that in a relationship where real love is involved, the whole point of it is that you both put your partner before yourself.. isnt that what love is supposed to be? you know, the whole "i'll take a bullet for you," thing? isnt that the point? well, not so much according to this girl. but i digress..

so we left. we went somewhere else, and thank god for my friend because she kept me from downing a bottle of booze and smashing it against my own throat. i felt better, a bit, but not really. I just you know, kept on keeping on man. what else was i gonna do? cant contact her, she would have contacted me if that was the case. i did feel better that after 15-20 minutes of bitching/moaning/tearing my friend said to me; "you know shes doing the same thing right now". i guess that sort of made me feel better, but not a lot. it should of though, right? nope. why? well, cause i care so much that i dont want her to feel those feelings of sadness.

God im such a fucking sucker and sap sometimes.

So i dont know what im really getting at here in writing this except that if youre reading this, dont do what i do. dont put one of those black hearted monsters on a pedestal. or if you're a woman, dont put some useless dickhead on a pedestal, because they just arent worth it.. easier said than done, i know, but i feel better sharing this and telling you that cause maybe 1 out of 10 will actually listen to me. Feeling like youre not enough isnt cool. cause regardless of any situation you/i am good enough, just not for people whos not worth it. But then there's the other problem.. i can get women, fairly easily.. but they just arent her.. and if youre not her, well dear, youre not good enough. and thats just not fair to anyone. especially the ladies.. this is gonna need to change, and i think i have a solid plan for it.

black magick. or at least, Chaos magick. snicker all you want, it does wonders for the self.

so after this rant i suppose ill leave you with a poem.. im writing this at 7:42 am and on the fly, so bear with it.. im not even sure what's gonna come out of me while i do this but those are always the best, arent they? the madness brings the best out of an artist.. eventually ill be paid for these, so enjoy this one for free you fucking cocksuckers..


Often the lines get
crossed
twisted and bewitched
jagged to the point that there
is no end in sight
but you walk that line
follow it till the end
dead end
so you turn around
not before though
you see her across the gap
the chasm that is on the
other line
the other path you cant reach
and you see her
all the beauty
all that ass
all that
fun and
happiness
she makes you feel
like no woman before or after
makes you imagine
shes right there
right across the fucking
open hole you cant get
across
retreat is the only option
the sane thing to do
yet you leap
with arms stretched out in faith
praying to an unknown god
that you'll make it across
at least to the ledge
she's right there
if only you could pull
will
          yourself
                         up
to have your lips meet hers
one
       last
               time
but your strength fails you
its fleeting just like
her desire
so you scream her name
to help
           pull you
                         up
but she just stands there
frozen
           afraid
and you slip
swiftly
and your everything
is no
                                    more
as you plummet
into the chasm
the
     deep
             deep
                       chasm
of despair
never to touch those lips
even
        one
               more
                         time
so you say good-bye
and embrace the
darkness
              as it
                     envelopes
                                     all you've ever been
remembering
as you plummet
           you're
                      just
                               not
                                       good
enough...

Sad Realizations..

So sometimes you tend to be up late at night, as i usually am, and these sudden realizations come to you. Often times, they are either good or bad, but there are like pieces of epiphanies. You have to take the good with the bad i guess. You can crack another beer, maybe another, and another, and another, and hope that bad one fades away--but it wont. It's like a slimy cunt that wont leave you alone. It's there, and now you KNOW its there. God, it can be so debilitating. I suppose here's a thinly veiled attempt to tell you what they were. "Thinly veiled" because I haven't fully accepted things yet. I'm not ready, and it's not worth it yet, to really let you know who I'm talking about. Start this blog from the beginning and you'll know why one of the prettiest ones went away--but then again, you probably dont know my entire body of short story work.

Start at the beginning,

But for now, here goes my sudden feeling of inadequacy.

I love women, i really do. What straight dude doesn't? Seriously. Women are the most beautiful creatures on earth, they really are. They are also black hearted monsters that live to suck every last drop of decency and hope from your soul. Don't sit there going; "oh no, you're so wrong, WE are..."-- shut the fuck up. You are all black hearted monsters. I love you though, i love you all. I love every woman, big, small, fat, skinny, hot, ugly, i even love the pathetic looking monsters. I love you all. Will i sleep with all of you? Certainly not. I have to have some sort of moral standing, don't i? It's not against you, I'm sure youre a wonderful girl. Just not a girl for me.

See? I'm serious about that. I really do love and care for all of you-- my dick just isnt going into all of you.

So back to my inadequacy. Well, lets start at the beginning of it. I've been obsessed with a woman who i used to have and simply put, cant get back. Why am i so obsessed? well, simply put, she's more attractive than any girl you have. sorry dick. it's true. she was hands down the prettiest girl ive ever had, and one of the most fun. She was also a crazy lunatic with super princess syndrome, but hey, we are arent perfect. you know? So, I've been measuring every woman since her up these standards, and for some reason they have grown larger than life. I don't believe she was really the end all to be all, but my psyche has convinced itself that if they dont live up to her attractiveness, then you just arent good enough.

blah blah blah blah, "get over it asshole," blah blah blah "you're a dick."

ok, i get it. just cut the shit. now, lets get to the real insecurity because as much as i've felt for this past woman, i thought/think there is one that may change that. Thing is, it's never that easy. God, I wish it was.

So there's this other lady whom I felt originally that for all intensive purposes I should be able to lock down. and I don't mean anything i say here in a derogatory way. In actuality, I'm pretty serious about this. It turns out that I'm wrong, and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I mean, i get it, i sort of...no, no i dont. The first one to really ruin me i chased longer and harder than any man i personally know has ever done. In fact, i was so criticized about how much shit i put up with that most; correction: all of my friends shit all over me for dealing what i dealt with. She was worth it, so they can all shut the fuck up, but now, now is different. I don't feel like i need to jump through these hoops anymore. How much of my own blood do i need to spill to prove my worth?

So this other girl, she's the first one for a very long time that I feel more the need to talk, listen, and hand hold with than i do to just put the boots too. A very, very, very rare occurrence. So the inadequacy your saying? Yeah, i'm clearly not good enough. And i dont know why, i have my normal situations as to what i may not be good enough, but from my knowledge, she is supposed to be over that. Shouldn't the focus be on love and affection and all that jazz? It's not though. The focus grows more and more on finances than it does on eating mac and cheese while being in love. It breaks my heart. There's also the fact that i faintly tried and was considered a creep for acting out of the norm. Am i that bad of dude?

silly girl. I'm way more of a man than any dude you've recently taken over me, and way way more of what you need to fix that hole in your heart, than whats going to make it better, She will pick and choose from a plethora of suitors, herself, chasing the same thing i am. Yet, her choices seem to make me feel so inadequate that i want to run and hide from everything i cant have. This doesn't sit well with someone who thinks they can basically have for most part, anyone woman he speaks to. Now, i know i dont have the financial means to hold a lot of women, but when im looking for more than a sex partner, this should never matter. Like i said, i gave it a faint try, i would have tried harder but i was cockblocked just as i thought i had finally made a dent in her impenetrable armor. I dont blame her for her armor, everyone, even the prettiest girl on the block has dents in their armor. what i blame her for is giving chumps, dudes, nobody worth the salt i sweat-- a chance at making her happy. i can handle a good old-- "this doesnt look like its going to work," not everyone is meant to be with each other. I'd be okay if thats the way the cards were dealt. I'm just not okay when a donkey gets a better shot at proving his worth when i know my own outshines theirs like the first sunrise in alaska after 6 months of darkness.

So in retrospect, even i feel the notion of inadequacy. I feel it so stongly from this newly found woman of my distorted dreams. I'm not going to sit here and say shes the "one". That would be a fools statement. I will sit here and say over and over, that shes good enough that I'm willing to try and find out-- except I'm not good enough in her four eyes to discover if i'm a failure or a success.

I just want an honest shot at being a success for once.... . . . . . .

Come spring

So, i crack this next beer and although i dont want it, i feel i need it. Not because i want it, i dont feel the need to finish this beer, but it's what im doing that requires it. I'm watching "Born Into This"-- if you don't know what that is, it's a pretty decent biography of Bukowski-- The Father. He's a madman, a man who refused to let the world to bring him down. I also relate to him on another way. He had a horrible young life, and although mine wasnt that bad, it was pretty bad family wise, but it wasnt that bad, but his acne made him who he was. I get that. I do.
Do you know what its like to be shunned by the entire clique of high school? too have the lonliness stare at you every second of every day?
 This world, the people we have grown, have no place to understand what comes of that. The hatred and bullyness has no love when thats all that there should be. This world will eat you alive if you give it the chance. These people will kill you if you let them bring the knife closer to your throat. It will knick you, right on the side of your neck, and then you will feel the blade of the pain, of years and years, of being an outcast. Do you think a knick on your throat hurts? it doesnt, it probably barely, well, you wont know, but i do, it barely feels like anything more than a kitten clawing at a plaything. You'll pick the kitten up a dozen times, knowing full well that it will claw at your neck almost every time.
but you pick it up.
you want to hold it, to coddle it
to love it.
its so adorable
its the thing that makes you feel
human again
it makes you feel like
you have a
                    heart
but its ruined time and time again
the cantos arent about you
they arent about
                          me
wait until spring
                        kid
because John would want
                                        you
                                                too

love is a dog from hell...

They tend to come
whether you want
                            them
or you
                        dont
its true
like the color of the
sky
or the truth
of the world
they
             come
especially when you find
one
                       always
one
they  can make all the
                                 pain
go away
fade away
like the wilting of a
                                flower
you've never even
                                seen
she can make it feel
like the most beautiful thing
in the
                                           world
these concepts are no longer
worth my time
because you will never
                                   pay the tab
of this
bill
it's too high
                               and this heart
beats
               on and on
on and on
               on and on
but it's not for
                        you
to feel
             is it?

like them

So now i want to listen
to only classical music
to artists
musicians
men of another color
one's how heard another beat
another slow rythum of
                                   difference
the beautiful embrace of
pianos
violins
bass'es
that
           stand up
within the cold standard
of how hard we die
day by
           day
we
             are
                       dying
with no remorse
for what we could
                            have
                                     been
without what these
tellers
have told
                      us
about how were supposed
to        
       be
               like
                          them

Red Lobster

I think maybe tomorrow
then again
maybe not cause of
work
maybe Wednesday
I'm off that day
so maybe on wednesday
i'll take the ferry
then the train
and another
                       train
i'll go back to where
grandpa and i
used to battle the fates
the God's screamed at me
then
           they
                    thought
                                 they
                                           could
beat
                  me
but they couldn't
at the end of the day
i'd buy the old man
a nice glass
of rum and a lobster
as we waited
for the
          fucking traffic
                                to

stop

i cant even look at the face
that causes me to distress
and hurts this body behind the bones
were there is no pain but
real pain
the kind that even brings tears to these hardened eyes
i cant even fathom looking at the look
that doesnt let me breathe
stifles my breath
hurts my chest
i could die
and be happy
if i died
and let go of everything
that i never was

Hello old friend
How i've missed you so
you once were the light
the magnificent sunlight
coupled with a smile
i can still recall
walking up that lonely street
with its ferocious sunlight
beckoning a rest and re-posit
at the movie theater
where the cool air
dances a waltz down the back of my
neck
because the fresh new world was
melting in the foray
and watching it unfold
scares the new me
just as much as it terrified the old
been through it a thousand times
"you know the drill, son"
always i will have to
endure a new
drill
never recovering from the wounds
the old one has set upon
my self
there's the hole in my arm
the one in my leg
the one in my head
and then the obvious one
the largest gaping hole i have
ever
never
what would you say now?
one in my
barely functioning heart
now dear
i'm still waiting here
my dear
i am going to kill all of them
with a rummel
hidden beneath this loincloth
i've been biding my time
for the proper send off
the proper
good-bye
this is how the real world ends
and your new life
oh, don't you love it?
this is how it begins
with blood on my hands
and tears i let streak down my cheeks
just so i can drink them and taste
the salt
it reminds me i havent crossed over
to the realm of the dead
i'll know i'm alive
and how i'm fucking up all i knew
this is the last chance to get tickets
to a fabulous show
i'll be atop that lighthouse
watching the armada i've called forward
rise from the depths of the small island
they all thought useless
minions crawl
slither
and remind the old timers
that soldiers live
and water never sleeps
to expect glory
is to sleep on the shores
of forgiveness

i sleep on a bed of rocks that are
filled with anything but that
they remind me of all the transgressions
i had bemused myself with letting go of
i can feel their stubble now
searing the flesh
i no longer care about
the skin i so aptly wish to shed
to become the demon i was told
i would become
in years past
that wicked little witch on Lark street
told me so
now her belief is coming to light
as if a fire had appeared inside the
cavern of black ice
she said this would be the day
i let it enfold me

listen up young girl
listen up
believe this is it
the time for sorry has
come
and
gone
i will find what i've come for
i will take your throat and make you
remember who your
first true
there is none of that now
only this
only pain and hurt and pain and hurt
and loneliness
it encompasses all i can
see
all i feel
there is a reason for this
and the vision i behold is that of
these two feeble hands firmly wrapped
around the throat
and then the feeling of lightness
and falling

i wanna fall now

through the darkness and through the turmoil
i will let this body slip and catch myself
on the other side
its time to go up to the roof

i'll be with you soon
whether you like it
or
not...just

WHO the fuck thought it was a good ideato not tell me that the new Coheed put out a new album??>?>!> ive been waiting for this for god knows how long.. I'm listening to it now, but unfortunately im gonna leave it soon to watch lost like the g",""ood nerd i am, but then im all over this shit... please, tell me how u feel about it.. im 2 songs in and i like it, will i like after 7? I bet i will, they are too good to not love them.. concept albums are the best..

check out "Boys Night Out" an d their album called "trainwreck" still one of the best ever.. truth

i am without
that deserving person
to thank
who has come to be
by my side
as i crumble in the dust
vying to be someone
something for her
to proud of
without the yacht
to giver her what she
deserves
one day i will find this
golden ticket
that shall take me away
far
away
from this horrible
house of terrors
freddy has a knife
and a colt 45.
he's no longer that dude
who only comes in your
nightmare
not when your nightmare
has become your life
sign the blue sky
with my darkened ink
my soul has become a fountain
and this darkness
an inkwell
so can you do me one
last favor?
pull out this pen
and gently scrawl
the words to my end
you can own it
like you deserved it
and now i watch
from your bedroom window
as everything refuses
to meld
to come together

i'm nothing but a fool

the end comes dark
with a head that can't move
and i watch the darkness
envelop
the man i once was
now i sit still
during the night

and i sacrifice
things you cannot see
one of them being
the me
i will never
be...

death does not loom
early enough
for those that this
cracked heart
and tense shoulders
send into
ruthless aggression

sometimes
it is easier
to swing the scythe
yourself

and make it happen
before
it ruins
whats left of you...

hey demon, get off my back.. i cant seem to find the time to indulge you with all the shit you desire, and all the pain, and all suffering.

ring my ears until they bleed.

cause an epic disaster, just in the name of...

you need to fade like the ghosts of tomorrow.

hey deamon, leave me alone. you cause me to throw things in a drunken stupor when i can finally see your disfigured face.

hey deamon, leave me alone.

Or i shall turn into one of your kind, and come looking for you..

soon...

So i was thinking about what i wanted to write about on here and couldn't really come up with anything until a sudden rush of anger came over me. i was messing around on facebook and came a across a profile of someone i know, and i looked at his pictures and remarked to myself about something and then all of a sudden.. out loud, i feel the need to say "i fucking hate this kid."

Now, to be honest, the last time i saw him i remember remarking to myself how much i fucking hated him then. So now i'm here in this haze of not-nostalgia because i never liked him when we were "friends" anyway, and thinking back to when i did know this individual, i fucking hated him a lot more then. I fucking hate his face even though i may never see it in person for a very long time. i still wanna punch the shit out of him?

You ever have that with someone? just look at their picture and wanna punch their stupid little comformity loving fucking douchbagery face so hard that you can then make douchebag soup with their god-damned eyeballs afterwards?

Am i that socially fucked that i'm the only one that thinks of this shit? Seriously?

I must have that feeling over a dozen times a day if i leave my house for more than a few hours. and please, let's not even think about mentioning when i'm working, cause that's a whole nother beast that nobody wants to come near.. seriously, i should be allowed a shalalie to fucking pounce over peoples heads all day and night long.

So, anyway, i digress. The point i was trying to make about this is Why am i his friend on facebook if in real life i'd love to punch him in his snotbox for old times sake? I don't get it.. and if i go through all of the people i'm "friends" with on there, i'm no doubt sure he isn't the only one. So what the fuck?

NOT WTF! you fucking lazy cunts! learn how to type its WHAT THE FUCK!

That's all for now.. check out my other website.. http://www.MichaelCruzLttD.com

Next post might be about how i fucking hate people who write "LOL" i really hate those fucks..

So i wanna talk about something that seems to follow me EVERYWHERE and almost sets me over the edge EVERY FUCKING TIME IT HAPPENS! So i’m gonna preface this all with something first, and i feel it is very important that I do for you to fully understand the scope of my rage. This isn’t just normal rage, its hand shaking, teeth clenching, and very loud cursing in public rage. We all know I already hate everyone, but this just goes too far.

I used to live in Maine, a place I still hold dearly in my heart and always will. Maine is obviously not NYC, and the pace there is very slackened then what everyone here is used to. Now, I know that most people say that us New Yorkers are always in far too great a rush and if only we’d slow down our quality of life would be better. Now, although I may agree with this statement, it’s not entirely true. If I am trying to get from point A to point B quickly, there is no need or reason to slow down. So, since this is a subject I will most likely write about often, I will spare you more babbling about the why’s and how’s.

Earlier tonight i left the house with two objectives. One was going to Blockbuster for something. That was simple and mission accomplished with my mood only slightly aggravated due to idiot drivers (something I could write a whole damn book about on the subject alone,) now my next goal was to go to Pathmark (only because its close to my house) to get a couple of things. I race around the store because all I really want to do is get back home, skillfully and nimbly dodging old people and retards. Now don’t get your panties all in a bunch here. I don’t mean that as in “mentally handicapped people,” I mean that as in everyday “normal” people. Why are people SO fucking stupid? PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME!

I finally get everything and pay for it quickly and then have to go on another line to buy smokes. After about 4 minutes of the man behind the counter explaining something to the dumb woman he’s talking to for the third time, I get fed up and decide to leave. Now, here we go. I’m walking at pretty fast pace and get to the first exit (there’s two) and I can’t seem to get out the door.. why? That’s a good question..

Because some no-good-donkey-looking-half a brain-dimwitted-never graduated highschool fucktwat is lulling through life and I cant get around her fat ass. She wasn’t even that fat, maybe then she could have had an excuse for why she was moving so slow. And it’s one……two…….three….. shes going so fucking slow that I counted to ten to stay my rage and had taken three full steps. So I do my best to finally get around her on her right and what do I run into? That’s right, a family of three that’s moving so fucking slow that by the time I got home they were surely still packing their car. I mean, I just couldn’t take. I yelled out in rage that I wanted to fucking kill them all and if I had my way they would learn how to walk.

How do these people ever make it somewhere on time? I just don’t understand it? Is it that they have nowhere good to get to? Or they are so stupid they don’t understand the notion of time? I once waited 5 minutes for three people to cross a crosswalk that couldn’t have been more than twenty feet across! WHHHHYYYY must they be ALIVE?!!?

When did putting one foot in front of the other in a timely manner because a matter of intelligence? Just thinking about these fucking slow-poke-vegan loving retards is making my blood boil! I just wish someone could explain to me why they do that. I cant just ask one can i? ill be waaayyy to angry to be civil and they wont take it well so ill end up in jail from beating them within an inch of their life, lets see if they learn how to fucking run then! ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!

One day I want to rule the world so I can just get rid of these people each time they piss me off..

My anger is unendying.

Broken bones

And bloody kisses

Ill make you taste your puke

So i have this problem in my house and i really need to rectify it. I have a mouse, or mice if you will and i cant seem to stop this little bastard! He's too smart and wont take bait. He's getting more and more daring too, the son of bitch almost looked me in the eye today. I have to find a way to get him and his cohorts, there's gotta be a way. I cant get a cat because my roomate is allergic, so that's out. I'm gonna patch up all the holes i can find tomorrow and go from there.

I will vanquish this foe!

so this is a late post. I'm watching the royal rumble after a long night of drinking in nyc. I really dont like WWE anymore. I think they suck, I mean, have you seen TNA? i know hogan and bischoff are there, so ok, they suck, but still. The wrestlers are still ten times better than the wrestlers in WWE! they are so much better. they tend to wrestle instead of tell a stupid story that i really dont care about. TNA tells me a story and gives me a fantastic match at the same time. I'm watching the first match right now and im already bored. It's sad whats become of wrestling. It is. TNA should own this shit. Simply because they have AJ styles... thats enough. where's ric flair paired with Samoa Joe? really? this shit is just out of hand..

On the notion of a Thursday night.

i fucking hate thursday nights, and you know why? it's really simple actually. i do my double on friday which for those of you that don't know, it entails a shift that starts at 11am and ends usually anywhere from 4-5am.. thats roughly 17-18 hours of straight being on my feet.. now i know some of you wanna say "ohh waaahhh, poor you. you get to hang out and drink at night and have fun"

yeah, well, fuck you. It's not exactly like that. i want you to imagine this for all you people that have "normal" jobs. If you say, wanna read a text message that would normally take ohh say 33 seconds.. yeah, that takes me 5 minutes. or better yet, how about writing a text message.. uninterrupted i could write the txt in about 2-3 minutes.. but at work it could take me over 30 minutes because of these fucking drunks who REFUSE, ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to wait just 2 fucking seconds. They dont care that i have a life, they dont care i have things i need to take care of, all they care about is that they NEED their next drink, and NOW.

Let's try another. How about when you have to use the bathroom? Can you get up from your "cubicle," or your "office," and simply walk to the bathroom and use it? i mean, baring from being in a meeting or something, do you have the ability to use a bathroom?

guess what? I FUCKING DONT! i've literally walked from around the bar and have them JAWING AT ME and bitching and moaning that they will have to wait 2 minutes for their next drop of booze.. and i'm just talking about taking a piss.. i could never even imagine having to drop a deuce.. no time.. the last time i tried i was in the bathroom and kept getting yelled at through the door by 1)a drunk, 2) a delivery guy, and 3) one of my waiters because he couldnt handle the delivery.. yeah, you try using the bathroom at my job.. its fucking miserable

i've literally had to GO OUTSIDE to text my bosses about something important because they would never even let me breathe for a fucking second to do it if they see me..

so yeah, i fucking despise thursday night because i dont want to go to sleep because as soon as i go to sleep i have to wake up and enter HELL for 17 hours.. its 2:20am right now and im exhasted but i'm refusing to go to sleep because i'm not ready to give up the ability to take a piss for 17 hours yet.. i just cant do it.. god i hate it.. as a matter of fact, i hate working all together, but its even worse when i'm not even allowed to breathe without being badgered by no good fucking worthless impatient donkey looking hankey loving miserable wastes of skin drunks who have zero couth when it comes to manners and at least disguising their pathetic unquenchable desire for alcohol.. and let's not even get into the discussion on how they will act like this towards me for 4 hours and then think its "cool" to leave me $5... yeah, next time, i'll pay half of them $8 to just stay the fuck home and leave me alone..

noticing a theme here yet?

i fucking hate everyone..

So i learn new things everyday, even though sometimes i already know them, it just helps reasures things that i already know. Because i am a genius. No matter how much you think things are ok, they just aren't.

Here's what i've learned and it has to cover the notion of death.

1) Most likely when someone is taken tragically and or too young--they didnt deserve to go. They are usually the good people. The ones nicer than me considering im such a prick (or so i'm told). i really don't know how to feel about this, its just so out of whack.

Really, what it is is fucked up. Like seriously? You take a kid who was a good person (from my apparent knowledge) who helped people by teaching children and being a good friend and all of those other apparent "things" those "good people" do. Yet i am absolutely positive that some fucking piece of shit who is dealing meth on the corner of Broad and Cedar streets in stapelton, no that motherfucker will live to 65... or how about those dudes who rob old ladies? i mean, ok, i'm all for robbing big name companies and banks, fuck them. But robbing an old ladies pocket book? why can't one of these vile wastes of skin trip, fall on the train tracks and then loose a limb so they can feel the pain and bleed to death? why can't that happen? someone please tell me about this? ohh, Jesus is just and has a plan.. yeah ok, i believe that fucking horseshit.

how about how a young healthy 29 year old man who is about to embark on the next level of his career and already has a career that involves saving people and catching bad guys-- he has a heart attack and drops dead. RIP my lost friend. so yeah, thats ok, sure, take the guy who catches the bad guys, not the one who IS THE FUCKING bad guy..

i also dont wanna hear that shit where you say, "oh it was cuz they were so nice god needed them to be angels in his army".. thats even more motherfucking rubbish...

so "he" is not just in who he takes, nor is he selective.. when your time is up its up, who controls that clock is the big mystery.. because i dont think we do..

2) i do believe that god has chosen to let chiWAAAHWAAAAAHHHHS live for fucking forever as if a cruel joke to all of Mankind. one of these days im gonna give jesus a bang zoom right down to hell and see how he likes it. what a creep.

On the notion of Smoking--- God how i love you mr. cigarette. i once had an epiphany on acid when i was a kid, and during it i remember that a friend of mine had broken down a scene from star wars and then began acting it out with a cigarette being a cast member. During this acid infused mess of a talk he eventually reached a high point, stopped, and then said "Nicotine, you are my father, and it is you that i wish to be with". This is still to this day one of the most hysterical things i have ever heard, and if memory serves me right, something it rarely does, i believe it was lamp that said it. God that was funny, and so important at the time because during that acid trip i must have smoked over a pack of cigarettes.

God, nicotine i love you.

Do i really need to go over the reasons for all this? Really? If you're not a smoker you are totally missing out on such an amazing experience. The tempting and teasing of how you shouldnt have the first drag as you light it, and then you blow that smoke out feeling the release of pleasure that is just about to hit your cancer ridden lungs, now it finally comes, HERE IT IS.

you lay it down on the ashtray to let the notion of it resonate in your mind, and now (as i write this i am actually acting it out) you take that first full pull, watch as the smoke puffs around your mouth, let it linger, and then suck the rest of it in. Ahhhhhh. How good it feels as i feel the nicotine swirl around my insides and then absorb it through my bloodstream. i can sense it overtake me, how it awakens me, how it makes me want to relax, keep on trucking if you will through the day or now my night. i haven't even finished this one and i already want another one but thats silly, so i shouldnt. Let's not even discuss the fact of how it goes with my beer. GOD HOW IT GOES WITH MY BEER!!! a beer without a cigarette is like having sex with a condom.. just not that good. seriously.

now that i've outlined the beauty of nicotine, well, i'm forced to do what i originally intended to do with this post. i hate writing this but its true. i need to quit. God how i want to quit, but on the same hand, two fingers away even, i have absolutely no desire too. i enjoy it too much. So what do i do? Well, if it was up to me i probably wouldnt quit.. i mean, i want to, im sick of coughing and not being able to walk uphill for more than ten steps.. man that sucks, have you ever tried walking uphill for more than ten steps? that shit is fucking hard, like for real hard. So see, the want is sort of there, it really is, its a gross habit and it smells, but god its so good. Also on a side note, does anyone else have this feeling that if they smoke in front of their significant others parents its like a fucking end all to be all type of no-no? like "oh no, you cant let them see you smoke!" like it would automatically label me as a horrible good for nothing person... get real. its a god-damned cigarette.

See as much as i want to go into out i should/want/and need to quit, i keep coming up with reasons to defend it. Wanna know my best reason? It's pretty simple.

Why are Europeans allowed to smoke and i'm not? i mean wtf? WHAT THE FUCK! the french seem to smoke all the time, and they are healthy as shit! motherfucker, they even glorify it in movies still! our dumbfucked country has admittedly banned smoking in movies practically because it gives young adults (who by the way will be a whole nother post all fucking together on the idiocy of how our country believes that young people are so easily swayed we could convince them to eat shit if a celebrity does it) the false impression that its "cool" to smoke.. How many movies do you know or remember where the french are smoking? or are you too fucking dumb to not have realized yet that the french may not have "special effects" but yet still seem to make the most amazing movies you have ever NOT SEEN? god you fucking people are ignorant.

anyway, i digress.

My girlfriend wants me to quit because she's afraid of the repricussions of me smoking, not to mention she hates the smell (even though on a drunken night she enjoys a stick of wonder and beauty all her own, but thats ok, cuz she says so) and she also, well, she doesnt like it. And lets face facts people, you wanna be your own man, but once you commit to a relationship with a female and end up deciding that you love and care about said female, well, youre fucked. You have to do things they want, because, i dunno, it matters to them and you want them to be happy. ( again, another future post waiting to happen).

i digress too easily.

So i'm quitting, i've ordered the patches from that fucking no good smoking quit line that you used to see during EVERY MOTHERFUCKING METS GAME LAST SEASON!!! GOD I HATED THAT SHIT! I KNOW IM FUCKED BITCH! I DONT WANNA SEE YOUR STUPID HOLE IN THE FUCKING THROAT ASS DURING EVERY GAME! ITS YOUR GOD-DAMNED FAULT YOU SUCKED TOO MUCH DICK AND GOT A HOLE IN YOUR THROAT, OR MAYBE IT WAS ALL THE METH... IT WASNT THE FUCKING NICOTINE, ITS ALL YOUR LIES AND PROPAGANDA TO STOP MAKING ME ENJOY ONE OF MY LAST TRUE HAPPINESS!!! FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER"!!!

yeah, so i'm quitting.. i refuse to give up till the patches get here.. god knows when that will be. hopefeilly not for a thousand weeks, but i know thats a lie and they are coming. i'm gonna have to go through it with it, its better for me and for my darling lady friend. except, for once (well not only once, ive wished to be foreign million times) i wish i was french, cuz for them its ok. i dont know what im gonna do, im sure im gonna be a cranky, angry bastard. and lets face it, do you know me? im most likely the most highly cranky/angriest/disgruntled/vicious bastard you know.. so how am i going to react without nicotine? not good my friends, not good..

so here's the gist of it all.. you're not gonna believe my reasoning..

don't get a girlfriend. she will make you quit smoking and you will fucking hate everyone and their mother even more than you already do.

and with that, i'm gonna finish this food (which i took a break from eating to smoke a cigarette) and then smoke another one while she complains from the other couch...

Nicotine, you truly are my Father...

Hello everyone, it's surely been awhile. i've been debating on returning to this blog for some time now, actually, it's been almost 5 months that i've been thinking about it. Why has it taken me so long you ask? Well, for the very few of you that have heard about this before, you should know. i tend to not pull any punches on here and one hundred percent freely speak my mind. People do NOT, do NOT, like hearing the truth about things. Apparently they really hate it. Which is actually going to be one of my future posts, how fucking fake these bastards are that they need to hide behind and create lies to make themselves feel better. So anyway, this blog had gotten me in a substantial amount of trouble, from certain friends not liking me anymore, to a few ladies refusing to speak to me anymore. This time around its gonna be the same. I expect many of you to get upset and all i have to say about that is this: booo-fucking-hooo. i could care less about a bunch of sensitive babies, i really don't. You can cry me a river and then i'll drink your tears and bathe in your children's blood.


Now, on to what i will be talking about. i'm basically going to leave it to an open free-for-all. From how much i hate idiot drivers, to idiot people, to the fall down incompetency of trying to pay for something in a supermarket, to well, just about anything that pisses me off and if you know me, well a fuck lot of things piss me off. i'll also be posting new stories and poetry and sometimes i'll be throwing a page or chapter or two from my new untitled novel. By the way, don't forget to purchase a copy of Million Dollar Eyes, available from me or online at B&N.com or Amazon.com..
Gotta self promote, ya know?

So with that all being said, i hope you enjoy. i'll be posting as much as possible and have made a promise to myself to post on here at least once every other day so stay tuned and get ready to laugh, cry, get mad at me, and even sometimes take something away from it.... well, i hope so.

and if you're wondering why all my "i"'s are lowercase, you'll eventually find out but its not a bout of laziness, i do it for a reason. A very important one at that.. so please, read, tell a friend to read, and let's see if we make something out of this little blog of mine.