growing up

my first 15 years were born through hell
neglected like a step child was how my days were lived
"he has special needs" i was told
day in and day out
i was forsaken until i was old enough to know what
forsaken meant
and then that ended and it was time for school
you need to learn all these things
that you will never use again
you've been prepared for it for 6 grades before
you should know it by now
but the books are nothing
they were the easy part
kids are bastards
little savage fucking bastards
so spend your seventh grade picked on
beat up
bullied
tossed around like a joke
your life is a joke
then take it all in
breathe
and learn how to deal with that
that's what i did
spend another grade not sure where
to sit
during lunch
because nobody loves you
but nobody hates you enough to push you
away
as far
as you push yourself inside
spend another year
with two friends
when everyone else has twelve
there's a new school now
a high school
it's like a new beginning 
except everyone from before is still there
and they've grown grislier
that's alright
i took the high road with those son of bitches
i worked out all summer, day, night, day, night
in a gym with men i couldnt understand
i went to school then
high school
it was the first day of our new lives
and they acted like it was the second day of our old lives
this kid who used to beat on me jumped right back in
"hey Aidan, you're a little bitch, get away from our table"
i had waited three months for that moment and i told him
"no"
he looked around at his friends who were
the same little shits
that called themselves my
friends
bastards
young men are
the lunchroom fell silent
even the seniors waited
to see what i would do
"i'm sick of your shit, you wan't a problem with the kid?
then let's fucking dance at the end of school."
he reeled with surprise
his tiny chest pumped up
without another idea as what to do
you had to see it through son
you had to see it through
"ok, well do that then," he said with only a small conviction
it was then that i knew
i would whoop his ass
i had spent 75 out of 86 days in the gym
with nothing but my rage
pushing and lifting
shoving and hurting
for just this moment 
the clock on the wall
above each classroom door
ticked as if it knew
the things i held deep inside this dark heart of mine
other kids walked up to me during classes
"you'll get him Aidan!"
"this is your day Aidan"
there was support behind me
but i didnt want it
just as much as i wanted their
shitty friendship
the bell for the last class of the day
buuuuuuuzzzzzzzeeeedddd
and everyone knew it was
time
i calmly gathered my stuff from my locker
and the crowds grew outside where there was going to be a show
this was the first fight of the year and there were expectations
i walked outside with my dumb friends singing the song from rocky
trying to build confidence that was already so high
i could have toppled buildings like a monster
the groups of us met outside and began our walk
you couldn't fight in front of the school
we went around the corner to a parking lot
and then it was time
tick-tock-tick-tock
they were waiting for the violence
once the groups had been rounded and all the rules had been set in
place
no interferance
unless he's bleeding
unless he's dying
it's one on one
we squared off
fists up
anger's flared
except he really had no anger for me
he had only been a bully for the past three years
bullies have no anger towards their victims
that was his downfall
i had grown such a hatred that i spent
an entire summer
feeding it
the gym had become a nourishing agent
and this was the time that i finally let the fruits of the garden
shine
we danced for a few moments
kids in a circle screaming for blood
everyone looking for someone to call
the victor
and that's when it happened
this kid
full of pimples
and would spend the rest of high school
ridiculed for being a "pizza face"
shunned by all the girls
who now aren't worth his time
he finally got handed the right cards
it was the first time in my life i
felt everything was right
as he swung at my face and missed
junior high school abuse
wedgies and pointing
became unleashed in an arm
that came around and
connected with the side of his jaw
the sound around the collective group wasnt disdain
it was only surprise
and it grew louder
when the next punch landed straight against his nose
letting out a spray of blood
the kids were in shock and a collective gasp
made it uncomfortable for everyone
except me
as i unloaded another blow
across his temple while he staggered
he was unable to regain his wits
while another blow rained like Loki on Thor
the sound of thunder cracked
and when he fell
i pounced on him so similar
to a lion on its prey
that the crowd moaned unsure as to what to do
and when i was finally pulled off
these fists had destroyed his face so bad
it took two weeks for him to look normal
like a person
again
he had tortured me for years
after that day
and through my entire high school career
one that entailed three different schools
nobody every
fucked with me
again.
and to this day
i'll fight till i'm knocked out
but i'll never take
a wedgie
from someone
ever again...

she'll swallow you whole

i'm still bothered by these dreams
four poems in
and i cant stop thinking
how dare you
act one way in the real world
and another in my sleep
sleep is for the gods
where i become a god
save when i lucid dream
and project astrally
yet you sat there
admiring my love
speaking while enthralled
with all the emotion i could muster
and when i caressed your arm
it felt so natural that i
almost awoke
feeling that i was fitting
but i was only
being abusing
to myself and all the truths
that i had said
and you believed with a smile
always the pleaser
always the friend
so,
dealing with the truth sayer
makes dealing the beast that was
born
and swallowing hole
fit to be
nothing.

Destined to lose her

Tonight i feel prophetic
i want to write
i want to keep going until
the god's see me at this keyboard
and recognize me for
what i am
a genius stuck amongst idiots
one day they will look down
at all i have done
on my journey towards
fame
and reward me for it all
presents of fame
and money
although it's neither i desire
inside
outwardly i'll tell you different
but in the darkest corners of this
still beating heart
i only want two things
let me hammer these keys
with songs of love behind me
and a cold beer in my hand
during a moments respite
and please please please
promise me one more thing
give me a woman
a genuine one
who understands what it's all like
the need
the desire
the aching
the burning
the hurt when i go without
tapping at these keys
and i suppose
it would be swell
if you made her
beautiful
just like the ones i've
lost
before her....

my friend from work

i went to the bar tonight
with a girl from
work
she says we are friends
that's only because
i didn't want to sleep with her
ruin her
with all my
horribleness
we spoke of great things and how
we should make changes
how our hearts are now laid out
for savages to tear
to tiny pieces as if we
are nothing more than
toys
for them and their
lovely games
we drank
i had a shot and a beer
her
a large drink
we laughed
smoked
and confided in each others
misery
i still havent slept with her
that's because
i admire her
and she doesnt deserve
a monster
like
me

ghosts in the attic

So this was your fourth appearance
in three nights sleep
where you manifested yourself
to be a central character
the one who mattered most
the one who i woke up
thinking i needed to
phone
it's strange
because i don't love you
i barely even desire you anymore
you're not the one who haunted
like a ghost in an ancient house
and you're not the one who made me
forget about the ghost in the attic
you're nothing
to me
essentially
so, why are you
haunting these hours of slumber
so seductively?
there was no intamacy
no fluids passed
but i woke up this morning
in a frantic frenzy
and thought you were
going to be
my next book to put on the shelf
hoping you would be the one i
re-read everyday of my life
it's the worst feeling
anyone could ever have
to believe someone
beautiful
is next to them
only to realize
it's just their dumb
cat.

The table is not always round

There are often edges
as sharp
as an eagles talon
and as vicious
as silly words
they leave marks
on biceps
that look like teeth
and they cut
they
cut
oh
so
fucking
deep
just words
nothing more
but children dont play for keeps
and adults dont know how to play
when the only game i
tried
raised my hand for
even
is the one
that i hoped
would make
me smile
for a little
longer

what a fool i am
a fool of a took
when i should only accept
my fate
of being a lonely
single
eye
crimson red
filled with hurt
anger
and
dread

time to watch others
for god knows
how
much
this
time...

read read read

The breath of your speech
dies with the silence
while your thoughts dance
with a tango
and a salsa
of men more robust
than i
yet they are so
less than i have
ever been
their arms sell for $21.76
and i can find better whores
for quite less
better women
then just a strong arm
and not a large brain
it's a high note
tap those keys
I am more than you thought
more
come,
to the window
we'll have to do this
to make it like it's real
how cute
another poem
call yourself
a lovely writer
this one
is for you....

after reading that back to myself i feel i need to preface that im open and willing for someone to change my mind but..as the post before the last one says, its uhh... not working out so well.. whatever.. keep on trucking man, keep on trucking..

a litte too personal, but hey, i said id blog the truth.

well, here we are. I'm just gonna preface this with telling you that if you don't care or want to know something personal about me, turn away now. I probably shouldnt be writing this, and the fact that im fairly sober and doing this is strange. I just have to write right now, i need to get this out or I'm gonna go crazy. So, here i go.. also, i just put "the crow" on tv off of netflix while i write this.. point of that? go ahead, laugh now, but im such a hopeless romantic that its my favorite movie.. if youve seen it or read it, you know why.. so anyway, sigh, ok.. lets get started..

last night, well technically the night before last was not a good night for me. I ventured into a bar by my house with a good female friend of mine and as i went to look at what they had on tap, i was surprised by seeing someone who lives kinda far from the island now. we're friends, but shes better friends with the ex. After the awkward shock of seeing each other faded (it took about 3 seconds) i was told that i had to leave. but not nicely. i was told, i needed to leave "right fucking now". why you say? cause apparently the ex was there herself, just in the bathroom enjoying a little pee pee or whatever. i began to think about arguing the situation as c'mon, were fucking adults, cut it out. but...well she was quite adamant about the fact that i needed to run as if i had some sort of contagious disease and i could not be around to infect other people. Now... what do you do? stand your ground? say, shut up, ill do what i want. i'm an adult and she should be one too? or do you do the proper thing, and respect others wishes.. especially someone you care about...

yeah, as you should have guessed, i respected the wishes and quickly grabbed my friend by the back of her coat and told her that we needed to go.. so we left, and yeah, she was there. as i sat in the car i saw her come out of the bathroom and freak out after being told i had just been there. i watched as we pulled away from the bar and i looked inside seeing her from afar, and she looked outside, watching me in the car... is this the point i mention i couldnt breathe? i was practically hyperventilating and thought my heart was going to punch itself out of its chest.. i didnt even see the girl close up, i barely made her out from far away but knowing she was in the same building as me was enough to make me a mess. a frustrated, sad, angry, self loathing mess..

let me ask you a question... obviously you cant answer me, so i beg you to ask yourself this. What's the worst feeling you can have? Were all different, and this is an open question. There has to be an emotion that just tears you to pieces. that one that youll do anything to avoid. Mine? mine is easy. i hate feeling a lot of things, but the worst one, the absolute worse one, is feeling that i'm not good enough. i cant stand that feeling above all others. especially because contrary to popular belief, im really fucking awesome. i'm good looking, im somewhat fit, im sweet, and when im with a girl i like, i treat her like gold. to the point that ive been told that i do it TOO MUCH. i was once told by this particular girl in the middle of an argument something that sticks with me to this day. she said; "You know your problem? do you? you put me in front of you. You put my needs and wants and feelings before your own." is this a bad thing? i'm still unsure. i still kinda think that in a relationship where real love is involved, the whole point of it is that you both put your partner before yourself.. isnt that what love is supposed to be? you know, the whole "i'll take a bullet for you," thing? isnt that the point? well, not so much according to this girl. but i digress..

so we left. we went somewhere else, and thank god for my friend because she kept me from downing a bottle of booze and smashing it against my own throat. i felt better, a bit, but not really. I just you know, kept on keeping on man. what else was i gonna do? cant contact her, she would have contacted me if that was the case. i did feel better that after 15-20 minutes of bitching/moaning/tearing my friend said to me; "you know shes doing the same thing right now". i guess that sort of made me feel better, but not a lot. it should of though, right? nope. why? well, cause i care so much that i dont want her to feel those feelings of sadness.

God im such a fucking sucker and sap sometimes.

So i dont know what im really getting at here in writing this except that if youre reading this, dont do what i do. dont put one of those black hearted monsters on a pedestal. or if you're a woman, dont put some useless dickhead on a pedestal, because they just arent worth it.. easier said than done, i know, but i feel better sharing this and telling you that cause maybe 1 out of 10 will actually listen to me. Feeling like youre not enough isnt cool. cause regardless of any situation you/i am good enough, just not for people whos not worth it. But then there's the other problem.. i can get women, fairly easily.. but they just arent her.. and if youre not her, well dear, youre not good enough. and thats just not fair to anyone. especially the ladies.. this is gonna need to change, and i think i have a solid plan for it.

black magick. or at least, Chaos magick. snicker all you want, it does wonders for the self.

so after this rant i suppose ill leave you with a poem.. im writing this at 7:42 am and on the fly, so bear with it.. im not even sure what's gonna come out of me while i do this but those are always the best, arent they? the madness brings the best out of an artist.. eventually ill be paid for these, so enjoy this one for free you fucking cocksuckers..


Often the lines get
crossed
twisted and bewitched
jagged to the point that there
is no end in sight
but you walk that line
follow it till the end
dead end
so you turn around
not before though
you see her across the gap
the chasm that is on the
other line
the other path you cant reach
and you see her
all the beauty
all that ass
all that
fun and
happiness
she makes you feel
like no woman before or after
makes you imagine
shes right there
right across the fucking
open hole you cant get
across
retreat is the only option
the sane thing to do
yet you leap
with arms stretched out in faith
praying to an unknown god
that you'll make it across
at least to the ledge
she's right there
if only you could pull
will
          yourself
                         up
to have your lips meet hers
one
       last
               time
but your strength fails you
its fleeting just like
her desire
so you scream her name
to help
           pull you
                         up
but she just stands there
frozen
           afraid
and you slip
swiftly
and your everything
is no
                                    more
as you plummet
into the chasm
the
     deep
             deep
                       chasm
of despair
never to touch those lips
even
        one
               more
                         time
so you say good-bye
and embrace the
darkness
              as it
                     envelopes
                                     all you've ever been
remembering
as you plummet
           you're
                      just
                               not
                                       good
enough...

Sad Realizations..

So sometimes you tend to be up late at night, as i usually am, and these sudden realizations come to you. Often times, they are either good or bad, but there are like pieces of epiphanies. You have to take the good with the bad i guess. You can crack another beer, maybe another, and another, and another, and hope that bad one fades away--but it wont. It's like a slimy cunt that wont leave you alone. It's there, and now you KNOW its there. God, it can be so debilitating. I suppose here's a thinly veiled attempt to tell you what they were. "Thinly veiled" because I haven't fully accepted things yet. I'm not ready, and it's not worth it yet, to really let you know who I'm talking about. Start this blog from the beginning and you'll know why one of the prettiest ones went away--but then again, you probably dont know my entire body of short story work.

Start at the beginning,

But for now, here goes my sudden feeling of inadequacy.

I love women, i really do. What straight dude doesn't? Seriously. Women are the most beautiful creatures on earth, they really are. They are also black hearted monsters that live to suck every last drop of decency and hope from your soul. Don't sit there going; "oh no, you're so wrong, WE are..."-- shut the fuck up. You are all black hearted monsters. I love you though, i love you all. I love every woman, big, small, fat, skinny, hot, ugly, i even love the pathetic looking monsters. I love you all. Will i sleep with all of you? Certainly not. I have to have some sort of moral standing, don't i? It's not against you, I'm sure youre a wonderful girl. Just not a girl for me.

See? I'm serious about that. I really do love and care for all of you-- my dick just isnt going into all of you.

So back to my inadequacy. Well, lets start at the beginning of it. I've been obsessed with a woman who i used to have and simply put, cant get back. Why am i so obsessed? well, simply put, she's more attractive than any girl you have. sorry dick. it's true. she was hands down the prettiest girl ive ever had, and one of the most fun. She was also a crazy lunatic with super princess syndrome, but hey, we are arent perfect. you know? So, I've been measuring every woman since her up these standards, and for some reason they have grown larger than life. I don't believe she was really the end all to be all, but my psyche has convinced itself that if they dont live up to her attractiveness, then you just arent good enough.

blah blah blah blah, "get over it asshole," blah blah blah "you're a dick."

ok, i get it. just cut the shit. now, lets get to the real insecurity because as much as i've felt for this past woman, i thought/think there is one that may change that. Thing is, it's never that easy. God, I wish it was.

So there's this other lady whom I felt originally that for all intensive purposes I should be able to lock down. and I don't mean anything i say here in a derogatory way. In actuality, I'm pretty serious about this. It turns out that I'm wrong, and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I mean, i get it, i sort of...no, no i dont. The first one to really ruin me i chased longer and harder than any man i personally know has ever done. In fact, i was so criticized about how much shit i put up with that most; correction: all of my friends shit all over me for dealing what i dealt with. She was worth it, so they can all shut the fuck up, but now, now is different. I don't feel like i need to jump through these hoops anymore. How much of my own blood do i need to spill to prove my worth?

So this other girl, she's the first one for a very long time that I feel more the need to talk, listen, and hand hold with than i do to just put the boots too. A very, very, very rare occurrence. So the inadequacy your saying? Yeah, i'm clearly not good enough. And i dont know why, i have my normal situations as to what i may not be good enough, but from my knowledge, she is supposed to be over that. Shouldn't the focus be on love and affection and all that jazz? It's not though. The focus grows more and more on finances than it does on eating mac and cheese while being in love. It breaks my heart. There's also the fact that i faintly tried and was considered a creep for acting out of the norm. Am i that bad of dude?

silly girl. I'm way more of a man than any dude you've recently taken over me, and way way more of what you need to fix that hole in your heart, than whats going to make it better, She will pick and choose from a plethora of suitors, herself, chasing the same thing i am. Yet, her choices seem to make me feel so inadequate that i want to run and hide from everything i cant have. This doesn't sit well with someone who thinks they can basically have for most part, anyone woman he speaks to. Now, i know i dont have the financial means to hold a lot of women, but when im looking for more than a sex partner, this should never matter. Like i said, i gave it a faint try, i would have tried harder but i was cockblocked just as i thought i had finally made a dent in her impenetrable armor. I dont blame her for her armor, everyone, even the prettiest girl on the block has dents in their armor. what i blame her for is giving chumps, dudes, nobody worth the salt i sweat-- a chance at making her happy. i can handle a good old-- "this doesnt look like its going to work," not everyone is meant to be with each other. I'd be okay if thats the way the cards were dealt. I'm just not okay when a donkey gets a better shot at proving his worth when i know my own outshines theirs like the first sunrise in alaska after 6 months of darkness.

So in retrospect, even i feel the notion of inadequacy. I feel it so stongly from this newly found woman of my distorted dreams. I'm not going to sit here and say shes the "one". That would be a fools statement. I will sit here and say over and over, that shes good enough that I'm willing to try and find out-- except I'm not good enough in her four eyes to discover if i'm a failure or a success.

I just want an honest shot at being a success for once.... . . . . . .

Come spring

So, i crack this next beer and although i dont want it, i feel i need it. Not because i want it, i dont feel the need to finish this beer, but it's what im doing that requires it. I'm watching "Born Into This"-- if you don't know what that is, it's a pretty decent biography of Bukowski-- The Father. He's a madman, a man who refused to let the world to bring him down. I also relate to him on another way. He had a horrible young life, and although mine wasnt that bad, it was pretty bad family wise, but it wasnt that bad, but his acne made him who he was. I get that. I do.
Do you know what its like to be shunned by the entire clique of high school? too have the lonliness stare at you every second of every day?
 This world, the people we have grown, have no place to understand what comes of that. The hatred and bullyness has no love when thats all that there should be. This world will eat you alive if you give it the chance. These people will kill you if you let them bring the knife closer to your throat. It will knick you, right on the side of your neck, and then you will feel the blade of the pain, of years and years, of being an outcast. Do you think a knick on your throat hurts? it doesnt, it probably barely, well, you wont know, but i do, it barely feels like anything more than a kitten clawing at a plaything. You'll pick the kitten up a dozen times, knowing full well that it will claw at your neck almost every time.
but you pick it up.
you want to hold it, to coddle it
to love it.
its so adorable
its the thing that makes you feel
human again
it makes you feel like
you have a
                    heart
but its ruined time and time again
the cantos arent about you
they arent about
                          me
wait until spring
                        kid
because John would want
                                        you
                                                too

love is a dog from hell...

They tend to come
whether you want
                            them
or you
                        dont
its true
like the color of the
sky
or the truth
of the world
they
             come
especially when you find
one
                       always
one
they  can make all the
                                 pain
go away
fade away
like the wilting of a
                                flower
you've never even
                                seen
she can make it feel
like the most beautiful thing
in the
                                           world
these concepts are no longer
worth my time
because you will never
                                   pay the tab
of this
bill
it's too high
                               and this heart
beats
               on and on
on and on
               on and on
but it's not for
                        you
to feel
             is it?

like them

So now i want to listen
to only classical music
to artists
musicians
men of another color
one's how heard another beat
another slow rythum of
                                   difference
the beautiful embrace of
pianos
violins
bass'es
that
           stand up
within the cold standard
of how hard we die
day by
           day
we
             are
                       dying
with no remorse
for what we could
                            have
                                     been
without what these
tellers
have told
                      us
about how were supposed
to        
       be
               like
                          them

Red Lobster

I think maybe tomorrow
then again
maybe not cause of
work
maybe Wednesday
I'm off that day
so maybe on wednesday
i'll take the ferry
then the train
and another
                       train
i'll go back to where
grandpa and i
used to battle the fates
the God's screamed at me
then
           they
                    thought
                                 they
                                           could
beat
                  me
but they couldn't
at the end of the day
i'd buy the old man
a nice glass
of rum and a lobster
as we waited
for the
          fucking traffic
                                to

stop

i cant even look at the face
that causes me to distress
and hurts this body behind the bones
were there is no pain but
real pain
the kind that even brings tears to these hardened eyes
i cant even fathom looking at the look
that doesnt let me breathe
stifles my breath
hurts my chest
i could die
and be happy
if i died
and let go of everything
that i never was

Hello old friend
How i've missed you so
you once were the light
the magnificent sunlight
coupled with a smile
i can still recall
walking up that lonely street
with its ferocious sunlight
beckoning a rest and re-posit
at the movie theater
where the cool air
dances a waltz down the back of my
neck
because the fresh new world was
melting in the foray
and watching it unfold
scares the new me
just as much as it terrified the old
been through it a thousand times
"you know the drill, son"
always i will have to
endure a new
drill
never recovering from the wounds
the old one has set upon
my self
there's the hole in my arm
the one in my leg
the one in my head
and then the obvious one
the largest gaping hole i have
ever
never
what would you say now?
one in my
barely functioning heart
now dear
i'm still waiting here
my dear
i am going to kill all of them
with a rummel
hidden beneath this loincloth
i've been biding my time
for the proper send off
the proper
good-bye
this is how the real world ends
and your new life
oh, don't you love it?
this is how it begins
with blood on my hands
and tears i let streak down my cheeks
just so i can drink them and taste
the salt
it reminds me i havent crossed over
to the realm of the dead
i'll know i'm alive
and how i'm fucking up all i knew
this is the last chance to get tickets
to a fabulous show
i'll be atop that lighthouse
watching the armada i've called forward
rise from the depths of the small island
they all thought useless
minions crawl
slither
and remind the old timers
that soldiers live
and water never sleeps
to expect glory
is to sleep on the shores
of forgiveness

i sleep on a bed of rocks that are
filled with anything but that
they remind me of all the transgressions
i had bemused myself with letting go of
i can feel their stubble now
searing the flesh
i no longer care about
the skin i so aptly wish to shed
to become the demon i was told
i would become
in years past
that wicked little witch on Lark street
told me so
now her belief is coming to light
as if a fire had appeared inside the
cavern of black ice
she said this would be the day
i let it enfold me

listen up young girl
listen up
believe this is it
the time for sorry has
come
and
gone
i will find what i've come for
i will take your throat and make you
remember who your
first true
there is none of that now
only this
only pain and hurt and pain and hurt
and loneliness
it encompasses all i can
see
all i feel
there is a reason for this
and the vision i behold is that of
these two feeble hands firmly wrapped
around the throat
and then the feeling of lightness
and falling

i wanna fall now

through the darkness and through the turmoil
i will let this body slip and catch myself
on the other side
its time to go up to the roof

i'll be with you soon
whether you like it
or
not...just

WHO the fuck thought it was a good ideato not tell me that the new Coheed put out a new album??>?>!> ive been waiting for this for god knows how long.. I'm listening to it now, but unfortunately im gonna leave it soon to watch lost like the g",""ood nerd i am, but then im all over this shit... please, tell me how u feel about it.. im 2 songs in and i like it, will i like after 7? I bet i will, they are too good to not love them.. concept albums are the best..

check out "Boys Night Out" an d their album called "trainwreck" still one of the best ever.. truth

i am without
that deserving person
to thank
who has come to be
by my side
as i crumble in the dust
vying to be someone
something for her
to proud of
without the yacht
to giver her what she
deserves
one day i will find this
golden ticket
that shall take me away
far
away
from this horrible
house of terrors
freddy has a knife
and a colt 45.
he's no longer that dude
who only comes in your
nightmare
not when your nightmare
has become your life
sign the blue sky
with my darkened ink
my soul has become a fountain
and this darkness
an inkwell
so can you do me one
last favor?
pull out this pen
and gently scrawl
the words to my end
you can own it
like you deserved it
and now i watch
from your bedroom window
as everything refuses
to meld
to come together

i'm nothing but a fool

the end comes dark
with a head that can't move
and i watch the darkness
envelop
the man i once was
now i sit still
during the night

and i sacrifice
things you cannot see
one of them being
the me
i will never
be...

death does not loom
early enough
for those that this
cracked heart
and tense shoulders
send into
ruthless aggression

sometimes
it is easier
to swing the scythe
yourself

and make it happen
before
it ruins
whats left of you...

hey demon, get off my back.. i cant seem to find the time to indulge you with all the shit you desire, and all the pain, and all suffering.

ring my ears until they bleed.

cause an epic disaster, just in the name of...

you need to fade like the ghosts of tomorrow.

hey deamon, leave me alone. you cause me to throw things in a drunken stupor when i can finally see your disfigured face.

hey deamon, leave me alone.

Or i shall turn into one of your kind, and come looking for you..

soon...

So i was thinking about what i wanted to write about on here and couldn't really come up with anything until a sudden rush of anger came over me. i was messing around on facebook and came a across a profile of someone i know, and i looked at his pictures and remarked to myself about something and then all of a sudden.. out loud, i feel the need to say "i fucking hate this kid."

Now, to be honest, the last time i saw him i remember remarking to myself how much i fucking hated him then. So now i'm here in this haze of not-nostalgia because i never liked him when we were "friends" anyway, and thinking back to when i did know this individual, i fucking hated him a lot more then. I fucking hate his face even though i may never see it in person for a very long time. i still wanna punch the shit out of him?

You ever have that with someone? just look at their picture and wanna punch their stupid little comformity loving fucking douchbagery face so hard that you can then make douchebag soup with their god-damned eyeballs afterwards?

Am i that socially fucked that i'm the only one that thinks of this shit? Seriously?

I must have that feeling over a dozen times a day if i leave my house for more than a few hours. and please, let's not even think about mentioning when i'm working, cause that's a whole nother beast that nobody wants to come near.. seriously, i should be allowed a shalalie to fucking pounce over peoples heads all day and night long.

So, anyway, i digress. The point i was trying to make about this is Why am i his friend on facebook if in real life i'd love to punch him in his snotbox for old times sake? I don't get it.. and if i go through all of the people i'm "friends" with on there, i'm no doubt sure he isn't the only one. So what the fuck?

NOT WTF! you fucking lazy cunts! learn how to type its WHAT THE FUCK!

That's all for now.. check out my other website.. http://www.MichaelCruzLttD.com

Next post might be about how i fucking hate people who write "LOL" i really hate those fucks..

So i wanna talk about something that seems to follow me EVERYWHERE and almost sets me over the edge EVERY FUCKING TIME IT HAPPENS! So i’m gonna preface this all with something first, and i feel it is very important that I do for you to fully understand the scope of my rage. This isn’t just normal rage, its hand shaking, teeth clenching, and very loud cursing in public rage. We all know I already hate everyone, but this just goes too far.

I used to live in Maine, a place I still hold dearly in my heart and always will. Maine is obviously not NYC, and the pace there is very slackened then what everyone here is used to. Now, I know that most people say that us New Yorkers are always in far too great a rush and if only we’d slow down our quality of life would be better. Now, although I may agree with this statement, it’s not entirely true. If I am trying to get from point A to point B quickly, there is no need or reason to slow down. So, since this is a subject I will most likely write about often, I will spare you more babbling about the why’s and how’s.

Earlier tonight i left the house with two objectives. One was going to Blockbuster for something. That was simple and mission accomplished with my mood only slightly aggravated due to idiot drivers (something I could write a whole damn book about on the subject alone,) now my next goal was to go to Pathmark (only because its close to my house) to get a couple of things. I race around the store because all I really want to do is get back home, skillfully and nimbly dodging old people and retards. Now don’t get your panties all in a bunch here. I don’t mean that as in “mentally handicapped people,” I mean that as in everyday “normal” people. Why are people SO fucking stupid? PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME!

I finally get everything and pay for it quickly and then have to go on another line to buy smokes. After about 4 minutes of the man behind the counter explaining something to the dumb woman he’s talking to for the third time, I get fed up and decide to leave. Now, here we go. I’m walking at pretty fast pace and get to the first exit (there’s two) and I can’t seem to get out the door.. why? That’s a good question..

Because some no-good-donkey-looking-half a brain-dimwitted-never graduated highschool fucktwat is lulling through life and I cant get around her fat ass. She wasn’t even that fat, maybe then she could have had an excuse for why she was moving so slow. And it’s one……two…….three….. shes going so fucking slow that I counted to ten to stay my rage and had taken three full steps. So I do my best to finally get around her on her right and what do I run into? That’s right, a family of three that’s moving so fucking slow that by the time I got home they were surely still packing their car. I mean, I just couldn’t take. I yelled out in rage that I wanted to fucking kill them all and if I had my way they would learn how to walk.

How do these people ever make it somewhere on time? I just don’t understand it? Is it that they have nowhere good to get to? Or they are so stupid they don’t understand the notion of time? I once waited 5 minutes for three people to cross a crosswalk that couldn’t have been more than twenty feet across! WHHHHYYYY must they be ALIVE?!!?

When did putting one foot in front of the other in a timely manner because a matter of intelligence? Just thinking about these fucking slow-poke-vegan loving retards is making my blood boil! I just wish someone could explain to me why they do that. I cant just ask one can i? ill be waaayyy to angry to be civil and they wont take it well so ill end up in jail from beating them within an inch of their life, lets see if they learn how to fucking run then! ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!

One day I want to rule the world so I can just get rid of these people each time they piss me off..

My anger is unendying.

Broken bones

And bloody kisses

Ill make you taste your puke

So i have this problem in my house and i really need to rectify it. I have a mouse, or mice if you will and i cant seem to stop this little bastard! He's too smart and wont take bait. He's getting more and more daring too, the son of bitch almost looked me in the eye today. I have to find a way to get him and his cohorts, there's gotta be a way. I cant get a cat because my roomate is allergic, so that's out. I'm gonna patch up all the holes i can find tomorrow and go from there.

I will vanquish this foe!

so this is a late post. I'm watching the royal rumble after a long night of drinking in nyc. I really dont like WWE anymore. I think they suck, I mean, have you seen TNA? i know hogan and bischoff are there, so ok, they suck, but still. The wrestlers are still ten times better than the wrestlers in WWE! they are so much better. they tend to wrestle instead of tell a stupid story that i really dont care about. TNA tells me a story and gives me a fantastic match at the same time. I'm watching the first match right now and im already bored. It's sad whats become of wrestling. It is. TNA should own this shit. Simply because they have AJ styles... thats enough. where's ric flair paired with Samoa Joe? really? this shit is just out of hand..

On the notion of a Thursday night.

i fucking hate thursday nights, and you know why? it's really simple actually. i do my double on friday which for those of you that don't know, it entails a shift that starts at 11am and ends usually anywhere from 4-5am.. thats roughly 17-18 hours of straight being on my feet.. now i know some of you wanna say "ohh waaahhh, poor you. you get to hang out and drink at night and have fun"

yeah, well, fuck you. It's not exactly like that. i want you to imagine this for all you people that have "normal" jobs. If you say, wanna read a text message that would normally take ohh say 33 seconds.. yeah, that takes me 5 minutes. or better yet, how about writing a text message.. uninterrupted i could write the txt in about 2-3 minutes.. but at work it could take me over 30 minutes because of these fucking drunks who REFUSE, ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to wait just 2 fucking seconds. They dont care that i have a life, they dont care i have things i need to take care of, all they care about is that they NEED their next drink, and NOW.

Let's try another. How about when you have to use the bathroom? Can you get up from your "cubicle," or your "office," and simply walk to the bathroom and use it? i mean, baring from being in a meeting or something, do you have the ability to use a bathroom?

guess what? I FUCKING DONT! i've literally walked from around the bar and have them JAWING AT ME and bitching and moaning that they will have to wait 2 minutes for their next drop of booze.. and i'm just talking about taking a piss.. i could never even imagine having to drop a deuce.. no time.. the last time i tried i was in the bathroom and kept getting yelled at through the door by 1)a drunk, 2) a delivery guy, and 3) one of my waiters because he couldnt handle the delivery.. yeah, you try using the bathroom at my job.. its fucking miserable

i've literally had to GO OUTSIDE to text my bosses about something important because they would never even let me breathe for a fucking second to do it if they see me..

so yeah, i fucking despise thursday night because i dont want to go to sleep because as soon as i go to sleep i have to wake up and enter HELL for 17 hours.. its 2:20am right now and im exhasted but i'm refusing to go to sleep because i'm not ready to give up the ability to take a piss for 17 hours yet.. i just cant do it.. god i hate it.. as a matter of fact, i hate working all together, but its even worse when i'm not even allowed to breathe without being badgered by no good fucking worthless impatient donkey looking hankey loving miserable wastes of skin drunks who have zero couth when it comes to manners and at least disguising their pathetic unquenchable desire for alcohol.. and let's not even get into the discussion on how they will act like this towards me for 4 hours and then think its "cool" to leave me $5... yeah, next time, i'll pay half of them $8 to just stay the fuck home and leave me alone..

noticing a theme here yet?

i fucking hate everyone..

So i learn new things everyday, even though sometimes i already know them, it just helps reasures things that i already know. Because i am a genius. No matter how much you think things are ok, they just aren't.

Here's what i've learned and it has to cover the notion of death.

1) Most likely when someone is taken tragically and or too young--they didnt deserve to go. They are usually the good people. The ones nicer than me considering im such a prick (or so i'm told). i really don't know how to feel about this, its just so out of whack.

Really, what it is is fucked up. Like seriously? You take a kid who was a good person (from my apparent knowledge) who helped people by teaching children and being a good friend and all of those other apparent "things" those "good people" do. Yet i am absolutely positive that some fucking piece of shit who is dealing meth on the corner of Broad and Cedar streets in stapelton, no that motherfucker will live to 65... or how about those dudes who rob old ladies? i mean, ok, i'm all for robbing big name companies and banks, fuck them. But robbing an old ladies pocket book? why can't one of these vile wastes of skin trip, fall on the train tracks and then loose a limb so they can feel the pain and bleed to death? why can't that happen? someone please tell me about this? ohh, Jesus is just and has a plan.. yeah ok, i believe that fucking horseshit.

how about how a young healthy 29 year old man who is about to embark on the next level of his career and already has a career that involves saving people and catching bad guys-- he has a heart attack and drops dead. RIP my lost friend. so yeah, thats ok, sure, take the guy who catches the bad guys, not the one who IS THE FUCKING bad guy..

i also dont wanna hear that shit where you say, "oh it was cuz they were so nice god needed them to be angels in his army".. thats even more motherfucking rubbish...

so "he" is not just in who he takes, nor is he selective.. when your time is up its up, who controls that clock is the big mystery.. because i dont think we do..

2) i do believe that god has chosen to let chiWAAAHWAAAAAHHHHS live for fucking forever as if a cruel joke to all of Mankind. one of these days im gonna give jesus a bang zoom right down to hell and see how he likes it. what a creep.

On the notion of Smoking--- God how i love you mr. cigarette. i once had an epiphany on acid when i was a kid, and during it i remember that a friend of mine had broken down a scene from star wars and then began acting it out with a cigarette being a cast member. During this acid infused mess of a talk he eventually reached a high point, stopped, and then said "Nicotine, you are my father, and it is you that i wish to be with". This is still to this day one of the most hysterical things i have ever heard, and if memory serves me right, something it rarely does, i believe it was lamp that said it. God that was funny, and so important at the time because during that acid trip i must have smoked over a pack of cigarettes.

God, nicotine i love you.

Do i really need to go over the reasons for all this? Really? If you're not a smoker you are totally missing out on such an amazing experience. The tempting and teasing of how you shouldnt have the first drag as you light it, and then you blow that smoke out feeling the release of pleasure that is just about to hit your cancer ridden lungs, now it finally comes, HERE IT IS.

you lay it down on the ashtray to let the notion of it resonate in your mind, and now (as i write this i am actually acting it out) you take that first full pull, watch as the smoke puffs around your mouth, let it linger, and then suck the rest of it in. Ahhhhhh. How good it feels as i feel the nicotine swirl around my insides and then absorb it through my bloodstream. i can sense it overtake me, how it awakens me, how it makes me want to relax, keep on trucking if you will through the day or now my night. i haven't even finished this one and i already want another one but thats silly, so i shouldnt. Let's not even discuss the fact of how it goes with my beer. GOD HOW IT GOES WITH MY BEER!!! a beer without a cigarette is like having sex with a condom.. just not that good. seriously.

now that i've outlined the beauty of nicotine, well, i'm forced to do what i originally intended to do with this post. i hate writing this but its true. i need to quit. God how i want to quit, but on the same hand, two fingers away even, i have absolutely no desire too. i enjoy it too much. So what do i do? Well, if it was up to me i probably wouldnt quit.. i mean, i want to, im sick of coughing and not being able to walk uphill for more than ten steps.. man that sucks, have you ever tried walking uphill for more than ten steps? that shit is fucking hard, like for real hard. So see, the want is sort of there, it really is, its a gross habit and it smells, but god its so good. Also on a side note, does anyone else have this feeling that if they smoke in front of their significant others parents its like a fucking end all to be all type of no-no? like "oh no, you cant let them see you smoke!" like it would automatically label me as a horrible good for nothing person... get real. its a god-damned cigarette.

See as much as i want to go into out i should/want/and need to quit, i keep coming up with reasons to defend it. Wanna know my best reason? It's pretty simple.

Why are Europeans allowed to smoke and i'm not? i mean wtf? WHAT THE FUCK! the french seem to smoke all the time, and they are healthy as shit! motherfucker, they even glorify it in movies still! our dumbfucked country has admittedly banned smoking in movies practically because it gives young adults (who by the way will be a whole nother post all fucking together on the idiocy of how our country believes that young people are so easily swayed we could convince them to eat shit if a celebrity does it) the false impression that its "cool" to smoke.. How many movies do you know or remember where the french are smoking? or are you too fucking dumb to not have realized yet that the french may not have "special effects" but yet still seem to make the most amazing movies you have ever NOT SEEN? god you fucking people are ignorant.

anyway, i digress.

My girlfriend wants me to quit because she's afraid of the repricussions of me smoking, not to mention she hates the smell (even though on a drunken night she enjoys a stick of wonder and beauty all her own, but thats ok, cuz she says so) and she also, well, she doesnt like it. And lets face facts people, you wanna be your own man, but once you commit to a relationship with a female and end up deciding that you love and care about said female, well, youre fucked. You have to do things they want, because, i dunno, it matters to them and you want them to be happy. ( again, another future post waiting to happen).

i digress too easily.

So i'm quitting, i've ordered the patches from that fucking no good smoking quit line that you used to see during EVERY MOTHERFUCKING METS GAME LAST SEASON!!! GOD I HATED THAT SHIT! I KNOW IM FUCKED BITCH! I DONT WANNA SEE YOUR STUPID HOLE IN THE FUCKING THROAT ASS DURING EVERY GAME! ITS YOUR GOD-DAMNED FAULT YOU SUCKED TOO MUCH DICK AND GOT A HOLE IN YOUR THROAT, OR MAYBE IT WAS ALL THE METH... IT WASNT THE FUCKING NICOTINE, ITS ALL YOUR LIES AND PROPAGANDA TO STOP MAKING ME ENJOY ONE OF MY LAST TRUE HAPPINESS!!! FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER"!!!

yeah, so i'm quitting.. i refuse to give up till the patches get here.. god knows when that will be. hopefeilly not for a thousand weeks, but i know thats a lie and they are coming. i'm gonna have to go through it with it, its better for me and for my darling lady friend. except, for once (well not only once, ive wished to be foreign million times) i wish i was french, cuz for them its ok. i dont know what im gonna do, im sure im gonna be a cranky, angry bastard. and lets face it, do you know me? im most likely the most highly cranky/angriest/disgruntled/vicious bastard you know.. so how am i going to react without nicotine? not good my friends, not good..

so here's the gist of it all.. you're not gonna believe my reasoning..

don't get a girlfriend. she will make you quit smoking and you will fucking hate everyone and their mother even more than you already do.

and with that, i'm gonna finish this food (which i took a break from eating to smoke a cigarette) and then smoke another one while she complains from the other couch...

Nicotine, you truly are my Father...

Hello everyone, it's surely been awhile. i've been debating on returning to this blog for some time now, actually, it's been almost 5 months that i've been thinking about it. Why has it taken me so long you ask? Well, for the very few of you that have heard about this before, you should know. i tend to not pull any punches on here and one hundred percent freely speak my mind. People do NOT, do NOT, like hearing the truth about things. Apparently they really hate it. Which is actually going to be one of my future posts, how fucking fake these bastards are that they need to hide behind and create lies to make themselves feel better. So anyway, this blog had gotten me in a substantial amount of trouble, from certain friends not liking me anymore, to a few ladies refusing to speak to me anymore. This time around its gonna be the same. I expect many of you to get upset and all i have to say about that is this: booo-fucking-hooo. i could care less about a bunch of sensitive babies, i really don't. You can cry me a river and then i'll drink your tears and bathe in your children's blood.


Now, on to what i will be talking about. i'm basically going to leave it to an open free-for-all. From how much i hate idiot drivers, to idiot people, to the fall down incompetency of trying to pay for something in a supermarket, to well, just about anything that pisses me off and if you know me, well a fuck lot of things piss me off. i'll also be posting new stories and poetry and sometimes i'll be throwing a page or chapter or two from my new untitled novel. By the way, don't forget to purchase a copy of Million Dollar Eyes, available from me or online at B&N.com or Amazon.com..
Gotta self promote, ya know?

So with that all being said, i hope you enjoy. i'll be posting as much as possible and have made a promise to myself to post on here at least once every other day so stay tuned and get ready to laugh, cry, get mad at me, and even sometimes take something away from it.... well, i hope so.

and if you're wondering why all my "i"'s are lowercase, you'll eventually find out but its not a bout of laziness, i do it for a reason. A very important one at that.. so please, read, tell a friend to read, and let's see if we make something out of this little blog of mine.

Ok, so i now i havnt made an entry in awhile.. mass miscommunication... anyway, im making one now.. Im at work and man do i hate this place but thats neither here nor there. Since i do nothing but read and think all day, i suddenly had a thought i felt like sharing. if i go off on a bit of a rant here, well thats the point... I am so fucking sick and tired of playing this role that ive somehow found myself trapped in for like over 2 years now, i realized that ive been working on this book about women and such and all the stories are about nothing ever working out, so i was wondering what exactly the reason could be.. ive come toa conclusion that my whole "being the nice guy" to chicks is fucking useless.. it gets thrown in my face time and time and time again and ive yet to learn, well i think ive learned a thing or two finally.. gone are going to be the days of me not wanting to hurt feelings and actually caring, i think its time i join the ranks of the majority of the male population and just not give a fuck.. im gonna start caring about getting it out  and its simple as that.. next girl i find out at the bar, im not gonna be nice and friendly, im going to simply take the slut home and fuck till my hearts content, and then throw her the fuck out of my house.. and if the bitch is lucky, maybe ill call her in a week or so she can see me again.. this whole not playing games thing is total rubbish, women are so fucking stupid (sorry for those of you who are reading this that are women, actually nope im not sorry.. fuck you) that all they really want is to be treated like shit.. and they will say "no, no thats not what we want" yea well i believe more in seeing jesus in 5 minutes then i do in what they say.. hows that sound? so im officially turning myself into an emotional vampyre and a total fucking prick.. its not so hard, ive been a prick most of my life so im sure i can be an even worse one.. so to the next chick that i happen to run across watch the fuck out, because your gonna be the poor recipient who has to deal with me no longer giving a fuck... whats prompted this? too much... im fucking done.. done done done.. that and im going to get into more fist-fights... man do i really wanna punch somebody in the fucking mouth lately..  so to conclude.. from now on being nice is OUT and fucking, throwing away, and mistreating, and o yea fist-fights are in... im officially getting my wieght up.. fuck you....

so im trying to write this poem
something to cure this fever and pain
but the rain keeps pouring down
and theres no light for me to follow
and it wont come out the way i want it too
and i dont want to offend a reader
and im scared to fall again
but its too late
and im already on the fucking floor
im drinking to stay warm
and kill selected memories
nobody else really gives a shit
except this schitzo friend i call mine
he comes out after a few drinks
and begs for the perfect spring
and the perfect kiss
and the perfect girl
but then he kills her
and any chance for it to be alright
because he wants more of the same
misery and torture
its all his claim to fame
hes dying to be noticed
but wishing to be forgotten
shell forget
it was easy enought for them to learn
they all forget
they all refuse to forgive
cept one
but i killed her
that cunt asked for it
im never enough
and alwasy too sweet
well brush this painted bruise
off my broken face
your stalker hit me last nite
i tried to act tough
i tried to be something other then me
this dream in my brain wont go away
it came along a few nights ago
nobody was around to tell me not so
now its stuck and is breathing all my air
suffocating this glow in the dark
fucked up heart
im confused
was it really you?
did this have any meaning?
no no no
its a horrible ghost
of a vague fleeting hope
i made up to make myself feel better
to let atrocities go
commited felonies against my heart
someone needs to do some jail time
they all need to die
who should i start with?
you? or you? or how about the bringer of the first?
this sun rises and then it sets
im still waiting for the moon
and some rain to go have it wash away
these blood soaked hands
i tried to cut my own heart out
but it wasnt even there
i think someone else stole it
im gonna cut that bitch
when i find out who she was
im gonna shank her good
and then shove my dick in her mouth
and make her pay
thats really the only way
im sick of being the fucking servant
master and puppeteer is what i should be
too bad i cant cut these strings that keep getting pulled
and thier hands are molding a perfect speciman
for fools and lonliness
and deserted half truths
of promises ive never made to you
only a glimmer of patience
and a waver of speed
with time as the host
i accepted thee
the priest who gave that communion
must havce been in works with the devil
time wasted
so fucking god damn fucking cliche
it hurts to type
it hurts to breath
but this drink is soothing to the soul
it makes it numb
it makes me dumb
it makes me everything i can never be
something fancy
how precious
how curious
lets dance
so you can laugh
and make me the laughing stock of your jokes
everyone needs something
i need to find this heart
that was stolen
and shit
i know you need a good laugh
well its here
its waiting
for some more fucking littered streets
of a mind
dueling with left behinds
and batterd bruises
made by unforgiving words
they werent mine
they werent from these lips
that seem so poisoned
when the poisen hasnt passed them for a night
drink from this poison
how youve grown to cherish it
how youve slowly dehabilited me
this home doesnt seem the same
these drunken nights
fade and click
photos of somewhere i dont remember to have been
its irrelevant really
this is alll just a hoax
concocted by your schemeing
lets sail away
dissapearing
then you can throw me off the boat
and do us both a favor
with a whisper and a kiss
i thank you
for unlacing these eyes
they were dreaming
and inventing perfect situations
for a midnight kiss
a sensual tryst
and it echoes through
standing in a world
invented but inviting
i never got the invitation
must have been lost in the mail
scattered i clean your hair
velvet on this chest
it singes through
burns underneath
the endlessness of blue
this is all a horror
a horror of the truth,.,,,

Annointing this trembling throat
with a scented cure
for this poison that is ailing me
of fevers and dreams
with broken mirrors
and shitlaced screams
of foolish depravity
for things that werent meant to be
and dancing girls
entwine with lips locked
inviting another thats not me
and this wound is worn
blatantly on my sleeve
a timely fashion seemed proper
i wanted to change
everything you need
is nothing i can ever be
and this decaying liver
is getting more work
and im praying more
for rain
and to be something other then me
this cigarette is burning
and my lungs are filling
with liquor
stained with fleeting memories
the doctor said i had 34 days
you would be away for 33
and the one before was with the wolves
they never seem to go away
so sweet and innocent
lost with every hit i take
your face shone so bright
against the backdrop of the moon
and my hand cupped and ready
pathetic and thoughtfull
dropped to three knees
one to hold my own weight
and two for yours
started out broken
so quickly replaced
not up to par
too caring for the likes of
anyone
ill close the bar
and spit on the floor
it reminds me of what could have been
this morning it was clean
now its ridduled with dirt and grime
images of my soul
ill spit on that too
you dont know how it feels
and everything is never fine...

My dissillusioned thoughts flutter
across a memory thats no good for me
a thought held with upside down frowns
quickly changes to stares
focus on the blade
no need in trusting a heart
and there is no mind left to converse with
i waited for a sign from god
all i got was a nod from hell
now this rain beats on my window sills
and this phone rings with wonder
im not answering
and im not calling
im not talking
promises spoken in dead time
while i slept
broken cracked and shattered
like the peices of the mirror
stranded on the floor
this bloody fist
tastes like wine
of a sour kind

well im going to quit my go nowhere job soon and im going to spit in some cunts face when i do it... that where thats at... sometimes i wonder if this life is worth living.. i mean everything is an up and a down, but its always so far to each extreme...the only constants i have is the bottle and my misery and i keep them close by beacsue they are all i have...tomorrow i drop the bike off to be fixed.. if its more then $100 im fucked.. so lets get ready to get fucked folks... the script for my boy is late, my story is stil not done and she stil isnt calling.. but fuck her is the recent development.. so there.. too bad im a bad liar.. too bad i cant take the good things that get presented to me.. i have to make everything difficult.. the sun rises and the sun sets on an empty bed and a shallow heart... the bank tide flows and the sillouhette of a new face shimmers off the water.. it decays and hisses at every approach... every approach, wanted hours before, denied in a moments passing... i need a way to make a decenmt amouint of money, i need to get out of here.. Jaco, LA, fucking mexico.. i dont care anymore.. somewhere other \then here.. somewhere where nobody knows my name because its riddled with nothing but hurt, regret and sorrow for all who come close.. i dont want to drag anyone else down with me... im sorry..

what i need is a revolver with a single bullet to show the truth
a crowd echoes muttering sympathies
with visitation rights
stricken from the record
my world began to fall
you turned and ran
before miscomunicated presumptions
like ghosts mutter
and whisper like children
secrets the parents cant hear
dreams they will loose 16 years from now
i scream and shout the way i do
i just dont un-love the same as you
now i throw it all away
turn-coat
silver coated upside down
my four leaf clover
i burned you
torched, flamed, and decreed
the way i do
im scared
twilight gardens
hanging mist of fortunes past
and memories clinging like flies to shit
100 nights ive laid my head to sleep
99 ive dreampt
fingers slither
wrists shiver
and this body aches
like telegraphs with the good-bye message
it hovers over this dreary pillow
golden crusted
porcelian tears
make shift baby doll
smashed with a flick of a wrist
and a perfect hit
lips wet with excitement
all those things
i didnt mean a word
i meant it all
a liar in sheeps skin
a pussy in a man's clothing
soldier to a personal vietnam
brother to an only child
regret slides down my throat
welcome my friend!
its only been half a day
how ive missed you so
its been lonely without you
take it all away wont you?
just take it all away
this mind is not made up for two
seven sevens seven times in a row
jackpot
for you not me
forty-five and one
miles away from here
stories how i'd love to hear
7 feet under and there is no care
dead for a year
new birth equals new death
precious baby
left abandoned
haunted by words of make belive
and thoughts of skin
temple made of flesh
desacrated in days time
no space and time
no transendence
forget decadence
its faded
chilvary is dead
and mortal desires seem unwanted
delivery from a black winged bird
ive been crying
and she hasnt even been thinking
dear diary
dear diary
why am i so alone?
its just you and me
another night
another empty bottle
bleed me dry
razor sharp
denial
these lies arent made for one
the king of shit
remains
queenless
and waiting for the rain
to clean the kingdom
and let it begin again
i just wanna be home again
sweet unfiltered arms
and tender lips
the brow is never dry enough
and these cheeks are never pale enough
forever red with shame
and forever still this heart
nots beat
when i think of heaven
theres no thinking of me
id be in service
to a one and only queen
but ive been drinking
kissing the bottle
when i should have been kissing her
smashing mirrors
because they remind me
please let me in out of the rain...

upon request... 2 pages from the Saga that seems to never end... and my i say that after loosing full control last nite i just might be pulling everything together again.. now all i need is a good binder involving lots of booze and a casino.. any of you nice ladies want to sponser me? i cant promise a return on the money but im gonna try me best.... worst case scenario ill become your slave for a bit.... without further adu.. pages 20 n 21... enjoy people...

“So friggen what? So take care of this tonight and then you can try and patch things up with Guenivere at a later date. Why are you sweating this bitch so hard? She dissed you already, she’s not gonna fucking call you back either way. You know this, I know this, and Drew over here knows this. Just fucking realize it already, she wants nothing to do with you anymore. You fucked that one up, simple as that. And to top it all off, Guenivere isnt even half as hot as this bitch is.”
Those words rang through my head like a shotgun blast repeatedly going off. “You fucked that one up.” There was no getting around it, there was nothing i could do about it. I had ruined it with her and now it was over. Time and time again, whenever i found one that i really liked, i found a way to fuck it up. How could i do this again? I swore to myself that i wouldnt let this happen with her, this time around it was going to be the real thing. There is no real thing when it comes to affairs of the heart, just a lock of hair that you stare at everynight they aren’t there, and shattered glass everwhere because every mirror you see reminds you of her. A wave of depression came crashing down on me and covered me like a blanket of self-loathing.
Mary came back with two of her friends and everyone quickly introduced each other. I went from a not wanting to leave the house to a a big great fucking triple date party. All i wanted now was to get drunk and be left alone but it was far too late for that, only thing left to do was keep drinking until i died (or at least that was the plan). Satori and Drew without hesitation both picked one of her friends and paired up with them. On all normal accounts it would have been a perfect situation, Mary was gorgeous and both her friends were almost as hot as her. I finally got the prettiest one and i didn’t even want her was all i could think. I needed another drink already so i grabbed Mary and took her up to the bar with me.
“What do you want to drink?”
“Ummmm, just get me a Kronenberg.” Well at least this girl knew her beers.
I got our drinks and we went back to join the rest of the pack. Looking around everyone seemed so happy, everyone was smiling and laughing. I felt myself putting on the same face but i was dying inside, every fiber within me was screaming for notice. Every word that rolled off her tounge was a shot to my temple, a fistfull of pins and a pocket full of daggers. It was all just a reminder of Guenivere and how i would never get the girl. What was the point of even talking to Mary anyway? No matter what happened, im sure i would find a way to fuck it up eventually. I finished my drink in two hits and it was apparently decided to go to another bar.
I got outside and lit a cigarette, the first drag in that state is always the most fullfilling.
“Hey, can i have one of those?” She asked me.
“Sure sweetheart, but they are Marlboro red’s. I dont know if thats too strong for you.”
“Too strong for me? Hahaha, thats what i smoke silly. I figure that if your gonna smoke cigarettes then fuck you might as well smoke a real cigarette.”
“My sentiments exactly, to tell you the truth.”
“So are you ok and all? Do you not want us to hang out with you guys?”
“That’s kind out of nowhere. Why would you say something like that?”
“I dunno, it’s just you don’t really seem all that into me or anything thats going on right now.” This was my chance to just get rid of her and go somewhere else alone to keep drinking. She was giving me the oppurtunity and all i had to do was take it. I might have even been able to do it in such a way that didnt even hurt her feelings.
“I’m sorry, its just that you met me on a bad night i guess. I just have alot of shit on my mind so im kind of out of it. I wasn’t even going to come out but these guys insisted and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I am really having fun with you though, even if it doesnt look like it. Im definately glad i met you, so don’t worry.”
“So what’s on your mind then?”
“How about if i promise to not think about it for the rest of the night and then i’ll just tell you another time?”
“Ok, i’ll go along with that but your gonna have to tell me eventually.” She just smiled and put her arm around mine as we walked. What the fuck was i thinking? That was my out, now i have to pull it all together and i was already so drunk. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to keep her around, shit seemed cool enough there was only one problem. She wasn’t Guenivere. We walked inside and before i had a chance to order drinks the bartender walked over and handed me a Jameson. I got Mary a drink and we went over to the jukebox to play a few songs.
“So what do you wanna hear?”
“See if they have any “My Chemical Romance,” i really like them.”
“Really? That’s crazy cuz they are one of my favorite bands right now. It’s nice to see you have good taste in music.”
“That’s not all i have good taste in.” She said as she leaned over to kiss me and i realized i was trapped. If i didn’t kiss her back then i would be scarred from ever talking to her again (even though i kept telling myself that i didnt care but alas a beautifull woman is hard to pass up) but if i kissed her then deal would be signed and sealed. I was too drunk to even care anymore and she was too beautifull to say no. I accepted her kiss and leaned foward having her lips meet mine. Her lips felt so soft and to my surprise she was an amazing kisser. There is nothing worse then kissing a girl for the first time to find out that she has no idea what the fuck she is doing. There have been many a girls where thier first kiss was also their last for this reason alone. You can’t teach someone to bea good kisser either, i tried once and it failed miserably.
When we finally pulled back from each other i looked straight at her and she was biting the side of her lip. I knew full well what this meant because i found myself doing everytime i kissed Guenivere. She was into me and mine if all i would do was what i should have done right at that moment. I lacked the guster and the get go, i lacked the desire because my artiries were blocked with clots of Guenivere. I was choking on love that hadn’t even had a chance to materialize, i was suffocating myself without acknowledgeing it.
“What’s that face all about?” I asked her.
“Nothing, its just that i want another one of those already.” God she had such a cute smile, i was starting to get entranced in her eyes when i felt a pitchfork poke me in the right side of my face. That bastard devil who sits there was reminding me of Guenivere and refused to let it go. I had no choice but to listen to him, he was right again. I drained my drink and felt myself slip over that edge of drunk and too drunk. Trying to keep some sort of focus was almost impossible. I sat there with her doing my best to keep composure and slowly sipping my next drink. She was beyond drunk herself but i seriously doubted if she was anywhere near the level i had attained.
.

dont u want more???

if your of the female race then you should die... high skool games where cool 7 years ago but now im too crazy and this is too real.. its too late to be gracious, you really dont warrant long good-byes but i wouldnt mind if you called too late cuz i woulod still answer... and im afraid of americans, and im afraid of me... im afraid... so im going to go the bar and get an ego rub....... maybe theres someone better out there, or maybe the truth hurts too much because jesus hates me and theres nothing mroe too it.... i cant help it, the ruiner follows me hiding in my shadows making a mockery of everything i stand for. whos got he hard drugs? im looking... and im starving, starving for something real, something more then what i hace... something i lost, something i lost,, guenivere.. such a pretty name.., too bad i gaveit too such a cunt... die die die die,. your reading this?> yea you can die too... ill comb my hair back and i want pussy and cars... im an american....

In this hanging garden
the flowers wither and decay
pixie dust not enough of a remedy
brutality and viciousness
we dance like lovers
loathing each other
while begging for another note
to stand handless
loveless tonight
i'll fall asleep
visions of masqueraded balls
and quaint disguises
hiding shame of disgrace
marked by smiles
and tender lips
skinned to be all thats left
a ghost of nights so easily forgotten
make a tourniquet
there's no stopping this bleeding
slit throat
and the blade is clutched in your fist
reminder of something youve never seen
perfect day
sunshine daydream
opputune time to sever ties
promises are nothing more then breaths
mistaken for meaning
and i swore i would die for you
just not like this
and i swore i would lay down all vices
now ive picked up my worst
hours pass
and days seem to fade
without a notice
i'm just thinking about spilling blood
not the precious kind
but the insignificant
mine
would look so good soaking in your sheets
with four pillows
covering a body not made for light
shadows flicker like a catipiller
saving memories
mental inconstincies
and the right side of this bed is shallow
one foot down seems just right
yet its filled with emtpy dreams
fucking close my eyes
not this night
i will never sleep again
the hook on the ceiling seems so nostalgic
4 feet of rope
would look like it belonged
with dangling feet
and fingers pressed together in prayer
that the door will open
and ill be found there.....

its almost 11 on friday night and i cant get drunk let alone that im not where i wish i was at all.. desire is the fruit of all depression and i really dont like fruit...

Snow is falling on the desert sky
Barren it slopes further down
Trickling and sliding
slithering with a venimous smile
etched perfectly into my dreams
like a storyboard planned
it was all ready to be filmed
cancelled
funds recalled
and answers nowhere to be heard
without a sound
i fashion the answer for it all
and you dont notice
or care
what if i put this to your head?
and dared to turn the trigger
to its true owner
anything for bloodshed.....

Ive decided to open the floodgates once again... Im trying dont you know? Due to circurmstances out of my hands ive had the need to loose it and do this again... i know its been a good while since ive posted as most of you know but here it goes again.. as most of you who know me well know, this thing was my downfall about one year ago this time, and i figure since my face is once again kissing pavement and the heart is bleeding from the sleeve, i might as well go another round with it.. WARNING!!!!!!!!! this will offend a great many of you (as it has done in the past, mainly all you simple minded, half a woman, stupid fucking, self defacating females...) sorry for the tangent but this thing has cost me some great things but im back to not caring and kissing the bottle more then ever.. yea, i had opened the doors and wound up falling inbetween one as it crushed my skull repeatedly so im back to just kissing the bottle.. my only true friend.. so there will be posts almost every day and i promise they will be just as good as the old ones.. im also going to leave snipets of my stories on here for u to see.. the one im working on now is shaping up to be the most emotional and best one yet.. too bad each word i write chips a piece of my soul away but hey, its all for the story, right? well without further adu here is the piece i promised.. the title of this one is tentitvly called "the only broken hearted looser nobody will ever need" or "just please slit my throat now".. im not quite sure cuz they both kind of fit.. heres a piece from the middle.. enjoy and as always... AIM= Hiddenlie and email is HiddenLie@hotmail.com so hit me up with some feedback... before i pull this trigger i just want to look in your eyes one more time, and as my blood spills on your floor ill take off my shirt to soak it up....

“Well that’s good to know i guess.” I took a nice long hit and finished off about a half a beer in one gulp. I was going to need as much alcohol as i could get into my system before they got here. I cracked another one and drained it to perfection in about 3 minutes. Most of the girls went inside as i sat talking to one of her friends when we both realized that they had showed up. We decided that we should go in and say hello so i drained another one real quick, took a deep breath and made my way inside.
“Ohh so your the new boyfriend huh?” Her father imediately said to me.
“Hahaha, well see about that.”
“No hahaha, well see. I heard your the new boyfriend.”
I just smiled at him without much to say. I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries and offend him before i had gained his respect. Gunivere’s cat had become pregnant and her parents were discussing what the kittens were going to be.
“I hope its a boy. Since im apparently not getting grandkids for awhile, i want this thing to have boys.”
Not getting grandkids for awhile! Was this man out of his fucking mind! I wasn’t prepared to father a child. I was having enough trouble taking care of my own fucked up self, let alone bring a child into this world.
“You hear me Aidain? It better be a boy when it comes down to it.” He said to me as he pointed his bony ass finger towards me.
“Hey, do you think i wanna have a girl? Fuck now, my first kid better be a boy” I shot back at him, hoping that it would work. He looked at me for a second and started laughing as he tilted his head towards his wife.
“I like this guy! He’s alright in my book.” I had done it, i had gained some respect from him just like that. After that i was in the clear and anything we said to each other was with at least a tidbit of respect. He still busted my balls whenver he got the chance but at least now i knew he had some respect for me. When they left, he shook my hand and made his departure.
“You did good baby, i think my father likes you.” She leaned over and kissed me as i let out a sigh of relief. It was over and it went off without a problem. Gaining the respect of a girls father wasn’t always the easiest thing to acomplish but i had the feeling that me and him were going to get along just fine. We let the night wind down without much more of importance going on. I had slowed down on my drinking due to the fact that i had so much to do tomorrow but she kept at it like a champ. I know it was horrible to like that in her but i couldnt help it. I liked to dink alot, so i needed a woman who could endorse that and keep up with me when i did it. I kept thinking that everything was turning up Aidan.
We got into bed and talked for what seemed to be hours about things that had no importance on the outside world. I learned how much she already liked me. I learned a bit about her troubled past with guys. When i complimented on how beautiful she looked tonight, she started to freak out on me.
“Stop that. You don’t have to say things like that.”
“I know that i dont have to say anything of the sort. I want to say that too you, because thats how i feel. I mean look at you, i’m so lucky to be laying here next to you. I’m sure theres a ton of guys out there dying for this oppurtunity right now.”
“I don’t think you understand. Boy’s dont like me. I really can’t remember the last time that i had a cute boy hit on me.”
“Your out of your cotten picking mind right now. Are you kidding me? If i seen you in a bar, i would be all over you. I probably wouldnt even waste any time in fear that someone else would get to you before me.”
“Seriously your too sweet. Damn, i want you right now. I still think we should wait alittle while before we sleep together though. I dont want to rush into this.”
“I know babe, its just fine with me. As far as i see it, theres going to be plenty of time for that to come.”
“That’s so true, but i just want you now. No, were going to wait. You need 3 legitimate dates before we do anything.”
“So is this number two? Considering last night was supposed to be a date and all,”
“Nope but well see if we can’t work out some sort of substitution for you.”
I just leaned over and kissed her good-night as she laid her head upon my naked chest. Her hair felt like velvet on my skin, and her skin felt like satin as she pressed it up against mine. Another night i fell asleep making the angels jealous.