On the notion of a Thursday night.

i fucking hate thursday nights, and you know why? it's really simple actually. i do my double on friday which for those of you that don't know, it entails a shift that starts at 11am and ends usually anywhere from 4-5am.. thats roughly 17-18 hours of straight being on my feet.. now i know some of you wanna say "ohh waaahhh, poor you. you get to hang out and drink at night and have fun"

yeah, well, fuck you. It's not exactly like that. i want you to imagine this for all you people that have "normal" jobs. If you say, wanna read a text message that would normally take ohh say 33 seconds.. yeah, that takes me 5 minutes. or better yet, how about writing a text message.. uninterrupted i could write the txt in about 2-3 minutes.. but at work it could take me over 30 minutes because of these fucking drunks who REFUSE, ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to wait just 2 fucking seconds. They dont care that i have a life, they dont care i have things i need to take care of, all they care about is that they NEED their next drink, and NOW.

Let's try another. How about when you have to use the bathroom? Can you get up from your "cubicle," or your "office," and simply walk to the bathroom and use it? i mean, baring from being in a meeting or something, do you have the ability to use a bathroom?

guess what? I FUCKING DONT! i've literally walked from around the bar and have them JAWING AT ME and bitching and moaning that they will have to wait 2 minutes for their next drop of booze.. and i'm just talking about taking a piss.. i could never even imagine having to drop a deuce.. no time.. the last time i tried i was in the bathroom and kept getting yelled at through the door by 1)a drunk, 2) a delivery guy, and 3) one of my waiters because he couldnt handle the delivery.. yeah, you try using the bathroom at my job.. its fucking miserable

i've literally had to GO OUTSIDE to text my bosses about something important because they would never even let me breathe for a fucking second to do it if they see me..

so yeah, i fucking despise thursday night because i dont want to go to sleep because as soon as i go to sleep i have to wake up and enter HELL for 17 hours.. its 2:20am right now and im exhasted but i'm refusing to go to sleep because i'm not ready to give up the ability to take a piss for 17 hours yet.. i just cant do it.. god i hate it.. as a matter of fact, i hate working all together, but its even worse when i'm not even allowed to breathe without being badgered by no good fucking worthless impatient donkey looking hankey loving miserable wastes of skin drunks who have zero couth when it comes to manners and at least disguising their pathetic unquenchable desire for alcohol.. and let's not even get into the discussion on how they will act like this towards me for 4 hours and then think its "cool" to leave me $5... yeah, next time, i'll pay half of them $8 to just stay the fuck home and leave me alone..

noticing a theme here yet?

i fucking hate everyone..

So i learn new things everyday, even though sometimes i already know them, it just helps reasures things that i already know. Because i am a genius. No matter how much you think things are ok, they just aren't.

Here's what i've learned and it has to cover the notion of death.

1) Most likely when someone is taken tragically and or too young--they didnt deserve to go. They are usually the good people. The ones nicer than me considering im such a prick (or so i'm told). i really don't know how to feel about this, its just so out of whack.

Really, what it is is fucked up. Like seriously? You take a kid who was a good person (from my apparent knowledge) who helped people by teaching children and being a good friend and all of those other apparent "things" those "good people" do. Yet i am absolutely positive that some fucking piece of shit who is dealing meth on the corner of Broad and Cedar streets in stapelton, no that motherfucker will live to 65... or how about those dudes who rob old ladies? i mean, ok, i'm all for robbing big name companies and banks, fuck them. But robbing an old ladies pocket book? why can't one of these vile wastes of skin trip, fall on the train tracks and then loose a limb so they can feel the pain and bleed to death? why can't that happen? someone please tell me about this? ohh, Jesus is just and has a plan.. yeah ok, i believe that fucking horseshit.

how about how a young healthy 29 year old man who is about to embark on the next level of his career and already has a career that involves saving people and catching bad guys-- he has a heart attack and drops dead. RIP my lost friend. so yeah, thats ok, sure, take the guy who catches the bad guys, not the one who IS THE FUCKING bad guy..

i also dont wanna hear that shit where you say, "oh it was cuz they were so nice god needed them to be angels in his army".. thats even more motherfucking rubbish...

so "he" is not just in who he takes, nor is he selective.. when your time is up its up, who controls that clock is the big mystery.. because i dont think we do..

2) i do believe that god has chosen to let chiWAAAHWAAAAAHHHHS live for fucking forever as if a cruel joke to all of Mankind. one of these days im gonna give jesus a bang zoom right down to hell and see how he likes it. what a creep.

On the notion of Smoking--- God how i love you mr. cigarette. i once had an epiphany on acid when i was a kid, and during it i remember that a friend of mine had broken down a scene from star wars and then began acting it out with a cigarette being a cast member. During this acid infused mess of a talk he eventually reached a high point, stopped, and then said "Nicotine, you are my father, and it is you that i wish to be with". This is still to this day one of the most hysterical things i have ever heard, and if memory serves me right, something it rarely does, i believe it was lamp that said it. God that was funny, and so important at the time because during that acid trip i must have smoked over a pack of cigarettes.

God, nicotine i love you.

Do i really need to go over the reasons for all this? Really? If you're not a smoker you are totally missing out on such an amazing experience. The tempting and teasing of how you shouldnt have the first drag as you light it, and then you blow that smoke out feeling the release of pleasure that is just about to hit your cancer ridden lungs, now it finally comes, HERE IT IS.

you lay it down on the ashtray to let the notion of it resonate in your mind, and now (as i write this i am actually acting it out) you take that first full pull, watch as the smoke puffs around your mouth, let it linger, and then suck the rest of it in. Ahhhhhh. How good it feels as i feel the nicotine swirl around my insides and then absorb it through my bloodstream. i can sense it overtake me, how it awakens me, how it makes me want to relax, keep on trucking if you will through the day or now my night. i haven't even finished this one and i already want another one but thats silly, so i shouldnt. Let's not even discuss the fact of how it goes with my beer. GOD HOW IT GOES WITH MY BEER!!! a beer without a cigarette is like having sex with a condom.. just not that good. seriously.

now that i've outlined the beauty of nicotine, well, i'm forced to do what i originally intended to do with this post. i hate writing this but its true. i need to quit. God how i want to quit, but on the same hand, two fingers away even, i have absolutely no desire too. i enjoy it too much. So what do i do? Well, if it was up to me i probably wouldnt quit.. i mean, i want to, im sick of coughing and not being able to walk uphill for more than ten steps.. man that sucks, have you ever tried walking uphill for more than ten steps? that shit is fucking hard, like for real hard. So see, the want is sort of there, it really is, its a gross habit and it smells, but god its so good. Also on a side note, does anyone else have this feeling that if they smoke in front of their significant others parents its like a fucking end all to be all type of no-no? like "oh no, you cant let them see you smoke!" like it would automatically label me as a horrible good for nothing person... get real. its a god-damned cigarette.

See as much as i want to go into out i should/want/and need to quit, i keep coming up with reasons to defend it. Wanna know my best reason? It's pretty simple.

Why are Europeans allowed to smoke and i'm not? i mean wtf? WHAT THE FUCK! the french seem to smoke all the time, and they are healthy as shit! motherfucker, they even glorify it in movies still! our dumbfucked country has admittedly banned smoking in movies practically because it gives young adults (who by the way will be a whole nother post all fucking together on the idiocy of how our country believes that young people are so easily swayed we could convince them to eat shit if a celebrity does it) the false impression that its "cool" to smoke.. How many movies do you know or remember where the french are smoking? or are you too fucking dumb to not have realized yet that the french may not have "special effects" but yet still seem to make the most amazing movies you have ever NOT SEEN? god you fucking people are ignorant.

anyway, i digress.

My girlfriend wants me to quit because she's afraid of the repricussions of me smoking, not to mention she hates the smell (even though on a drunken night she enjoys a stick of wonder and beauty all her own, but thats ok, cuz she says so) and she also, well, she doesnt like it. And lets face facts people, you wanna be your own man, but once you commit to a relationship with a female and end up deciding that you love and care about said female, well, youre fucked. You have to do things they want, because, i dunno, it matters to them and you want them to be happy. ( again, another future post waiting to happen).

i digress too easily.

So i'm quitting, i've ordered the patches from that fucking no good smoking quit line that you used to see during EVERY MOTHERFUCKING METS GAME LAST SEASON!!! GOD I HATED THAT SHIT! I KNOW IM FUCKED BITCH! I DONT WANNA SEE YOUR STUPID HOLE IN THE FUCKING THROAT ASS DURING EVERY GAME! ITS YOUR GOD-DAMNED FAULT YOU SUCKED TOO MUCH DICK AND GOT A HOLE IN YOUR THROAT, OR MAYBE IT WAS ALL THE METH... IT WASNT THE FUCKING NICOTINE, ITS ALL YOUR LIES AND PROPAGANDA TO STOP MAKING ME ENJOY ONE OF MY LAST TRUE HAPPINESS!!! FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER"!!!

yeah, so i'm quitting.. i refuse to give up till the patches get here.. god knows when that will be. hopefeilly not for a thousand weeks, but i know thats a lie and they are coming. i'm gonna have to go through it with it, its better for me and for my darling lady friend. except, for once (well not only once, ive wished to be foreign million times) i wish i was french, cuz for them its ok. i dont know what im gonna do, im sure im gonna be a cranky, angry bastard. and lets face it, do you know me? im most likely the most highly cranky/angriest/disgruntled/vicious bastard you know.. so how am i going to react without nicotine? not good my friends, not good..

so here's the gist of it all.. you're not gonna believe my reasoning..

don't get a girlfriend. she will make you quit smoking and you will fucking hate everyone and their mother even more than you already do.

and with that, i'm gonna finish this food (which i took a break from eating to smoke a cigarette) and then smoke another one while she complains from the other couch...

Nicotine, you truly are my Father...

Hello everyone, it's surely been awhile. i've been debating on returning to this blog for some time now, actually, it's been almost 5 months that i've been thinking about it. Why has it taken me so long you ask? Well, for the very few of you that have heard about this before, you should know. i tend to not pull any punches on here and one hundred percent freely speak my mind. People do NOT, do NOT, like hearing the truth about things. Apparently they really hate it. Which is actually going to be one of my future posts, how fucking fake these bastards are that they need to hide behind and create lies to make themselves feel better. So anyway, this blog had gotten me in a substantial amount of trouble, from certain friends not liking me anymore, to a few ladies refusing to speak to me anymore. This time around its gonna be the same. I expect many of you to get upset and all i have to say about that is this: booo-fucking-hooo. i could care less about a bunch of sensitive babies, i really don't. You can cry me a river and then i'll drink your tears and bathe in your children's blood.


Now, on to what i will be talking about. i'm basically going to leave it to an open free-for-all. From how much i hate idiot drivers, to idiot people, to the fall down incompetency of trying to pay for something in a supermarket, to well, just about anything that pisses me off and if you know me, well a fuck lot of things piss me off. i'll also be posting new stories and poetry and sometimes i'll be throwing a page or chapter or two from my new untitled novel. By the way, don't forget to purchase a copy of Million Dollar Eyes, available from me or online at B&N.com or Amazon.com..
Gotta self promote, ya know?

So with that all being said, i hope you enjoy. i'll be posting as much as possible and have made a promise to myself to post on here at least once every other day so stay tuned and get ready to laugh, cry, get mad at me, and even sometimes take something away from it.... well, i hope so.

and if you're wondering why all my "i"'s are lowercase, you'll eventually find out but its not a bout of laziness, i do it for a reason. A very important one at that.. so please, read, tell a friend to read, and let's see if we make something out of this little blog of mine.