still..

I often wonder what a more sober life would have brought...

maybe one day, i will find out

maybe one day youll come back

but if not

one day, it will be with someone else

i hope the taste of you

still lingers in

some way...

Hey there...

this is the part where
i start to fall A PART
i've written word after
word
about your gorgeous face
just to know that
his hands are on it now
and these crooked fingernails
will never cross
everything it loves

never
again..

this is the part where
i tell you how
i miss you so much
and i had put myself in
a coma
just thinking about you
depressed
and disrtressed
it took me so long to
bring myself out of
where i was

every syllable you ever spoke
float like butterflies in my
mind
every single moment
of every single life filled day
every single bullet
in this gun
is nothing more
than a butterfly
of each kiss we ever had
each time our skin pressed like lovers lost
golden lovers
who moved too fast for
the normal world of everyone
who said it wasnt right

they were wrong

it was me who wasnt
right

i still needed to learn things
that now keep me from trying one more
time

and this sober version
is like a V.20
but it doesnt matter

ill always know im not enough anymore
i lost my chance

cashed in my ticket to the dance
with the prom queen
and i tripped over my own
feet before we ever even kissed

dont ever say a word
dont ever say a word

i know its all gone now
like a great civilization
now gone from this world

your lips are only felt like
the smell from the letters
i keep close to my breast
and the clothes i clutch
remembering that
there was a time
when you wore them
and danced for
me like a beautiful ballerina
that i would shower with
kisses
and when it rained and thundered
i would hold you close

now im just not enough
now im just not enough
now im just not enough

but, in truth
if im being honest

ive never been more than
enough
than
i
ever have
been...

Astral Travel...

i can see you now
your soft hair
and bright shining smile
walking through the door
greeting me as i toiled away
at this laptop
your eyes full of wonder and care
like a lover who sees no other
i can remember now how i felt

with each postcard i
recieved

reading each word like it was a hidden
sacred arcane text
from some forgotten land

i can feel
 you know
each morning i awake
i have the pillow laying in your place
its soft contours remind me of how
you used to feel
and how the cat's still scream
as if they are missing a part of their life
just like their human father

i can remember
you know
sleeping too late
a little slumbering angel in my mind
and i can remember how horrible i was

oh lord

i remember how horrible i was

still, i can now know i would
do it all differently

sleep my beauty
my down syndrome looking baby as you awoke
id do unspeakable things
things these hands are just learning how
to accomplish
just to see that face again
maybe this blood will help it all
maybe these nighttime scryings will
calm it all

i've learned how to leave this body
this miserable mortal coil
while i sleep
to look
and see if i can
find that one person who makes it all
not hurt
i traverse like a pirate
screaming at the demons that follow me now
that know my secret intentions

they are not the most

honarable

but i still.....

i would still travel to distant lands
no matter what the cost

if you were filled with poison
i would stand so close
that it would kill me
just to breathe you in
and my face would turn to
an upturned smile
for the first time in two years
i would remember
what it was like
to see the sky part
and sea take the waves
and move them

i'd move the world for you

i'd move the world for you

these hands would do anything you asked

all you have to do

is

ask..

The loss of a heart....

of violence
of love
and sorrow

sings the song

and i listen as each tear falls
on each sobby cheek
without a real idea

these nights your tortured
with dreams of me
and your phone by your side
but you're too afraid to
pick up the
phone
to call
and forgive

and remember i'm the one
who should be laying
next to you
rolling you up in a swath of love
and kisses
and i was the one who
showed you
how to really love
how it could have really been

you don't remember me over here

do you?

don't you remember i would
sever each limb on this body
i would sew my eyes shut
cut my nose off
fill each ear with blood of our enemies
i would pull out my heart and
die
just to show you
that it was
you
it was beating for

These vultures can be so annoying...

give me one reason
like a thousand felines
caught in the storm
why not attack the house
and let me in
let me in

come little kitty

you're no savage beast

you're no animal

but this skin has yet to be shed
and these teeth still too sharp
for your
precious
face

this cut it was worth throwing
it all away

now i can watch it all tear me apart
i sleep alone despite of me
i sleep alone despite of
my reason to bleed

i cant believe
i can instigate
my reason to breathe
these lungs are fuller now
these breaths are fuller now
but they still seem oh so shallow
each one on a cold winter night
filling up
till its still empty
and i can't even find my competition
to size him up
cant even change
your mind
unless
i can
maybe
noone
maybe noone
has shown that there is a real
competition
and ill just lay in wait
like a wolf
hiding in the snow
half dead
so close to death that the vultures
have been following me
when i leave this house
we used to call
ours
i see them above
my head
i call to them
asking for their help
ill take the help of every
beast and fodder
i can find
to do
whatever it
takes
to
change your
mind....

Closing the circle...

This is swallowing
everything i had left
inside
any piece of this
is dying
a dark
deep crimson
death
let
the blood flow

let the blood

flow


there is nothing behind these misguided eyes
nothing behind these

desperate

cries

now with nothing
let this come full circle

let the summons be finished
the demons come

i can hear them now

can you hear them?

they whisper when i'm trying to

fall asleep

to dream

of you

they whisper in my ears
telling me it is time
telling me what to do
telling me how to call
upon those
who should not be
called

i keep pushing their voices out
keep telling them
no
not today
no this wont be
i can't do such a thing

but now there's this
cut on my hand

all this blood
on the floor
pooled up in the circle
so much blood
im scared to step out in fear
i didnt close it all correctly

I didn't do it all
right
but i had no choice
this was the one time
i had to get it
right
i had to be on the A game
if i wanted to remember the
taste of happiness
the taste of your
skin
the softness of your lips
brushing against mine
while i wished for everyday to be same
and everything to be a waking
dream

i'm standing here
with a dream that wont die
and i'm literally bleeding at
your feet
with one last breath
hoping you know
that i take it
thinking
and dreaming
and screaming
and dying

all
for
you....

All the things

I'll tell you that I'm
better than him

but you
already

know that

tell me that you'll leave

him

tell me that you'll try again

cause we need each other so much

we love each other so much

there is no disney princess

left in my world

there is no

make-believe

no-

every
           ---------------------------thing

Not coming back

And...
Star Crossed lovers
we we're not meant to be
not meant to have met
let alone dreampt

There was no rain that evening
no movie like silhouette when 
you finally had enough
of my words that
dribbled
and fell
like
crooked teeth
from my booze stenched
mouth

There was no proper good-bye's
no right
have a go's
and now i stare up at the sky
on cold nights
like this
and wonder if
I asked for your permission
all would be forgiven

because where's the dagger
where's the knife
on the floor
and the wound should
have cauterized by now

i just dont know how i can win
in this bed
paralyzed
PLEASE
forgive me
for all my
sins
please
forgive

come ... . . .. 

This is what I sleep to now.. Well, stare at the ceiling wondering really

https://youtu.be/jww3TshT9ZM

Just replace a few letters and the whole puzzle is right there....

Smiles and her laughter
It's the only thing
That I've been waiting for a time
Regardless of our distance and our hope
Grows greater
Trapped by pretty eyes and letters for all time
The only thing that I've been waiting for.

I hope it's something worth the waiting
Cause it's the only time that I ever feel real
Thunder storms could never stop me
Cause there's no one in the world like Emily

She's simple yet confusing
Her sparkling eyes make me weak at my words, they tremble
Days seem like years in this month of December
The winter coldens me for I have yet to sleep
And never will I give up trying
Because you're everything to me

I hope it's something worth the waiting
It's the only time that I ever feel real
Thunder storms could never stop me
Cause there's no one in the world like Emily.

Hey.. I'm back,. here's how i feel.. Still missing you...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1a4C_SxvITk

Dear world

Well,  I guess its come to this. So much destruction, too much love,  too much pain..

I'll see you in 28 days as they say...

Goodbye for now...

Sober Sleeps

Dreams

So, this is the third night in a row she's shown me to you like this. The third night in a row i've had the same type of dream. She gives you to me and then she takes you away only to give you back for just a moment..

This time it was the worst. We were blissfully happy in a new apartment. It was like one long hallway with a bedroom on each end. We were in ours, and the feeling of warmth just flows over me. I can remember it now, just a feeling of being safe. It was probably the best feeling i was going to get all night because after this you leave, and you leave for a non descript him. He takes you away, you leave me broken, and shattered and all you have to say is that "he's better" as i sit there and glare at him with eyes of hatred.

That's not the worst part though, because after that he moves in and she, why she's doing this to me in my sleep, this spirit, she forces me out of my own dream, out of my own body, to be a ghost dream within my own dream and during that time, i watch and feel horrors that the human mind is not supposed to endure. She forces me to watch him with you, in our old room, forces me to watch the Ecstasy on your face, the sweat pour down the small of your back, she makes me watch as he has you submit to him mind, body and soul. I almost woke up screaming, but i actually did, only in my dream, and then she forces me to listen to it from the closed walls. The sounds of the breathing, the pants and the grunts and the.... it was too much. Just too much last night..

But then it turns around, and one day he isn't home and you come back to me. God, i've never felt so alive. I awoke in the real world with the taste of honeysuckle from your lips still on mine, i can still feel the heat from your breath, the heat from your breath, as it flashed against the side of my face. I can't remember the last time i felt such pleasure, your skin rubbed against mine again and i pressed and pressed and pressed until i thought we would force each other into one full being...

She let me live, only to torture me more.

After we were done, you sat up on the edge of the bed and just kept repeating you were sorry and how much of a mistake it was, that I was. And it went on, and on, and on, and on, and on until that feeling, that feeling i have now as i wipe tears away wont go away..

He came home. You went with him. HIM doesn't matter. HIM is just NOT ME. I thought it was just me that wouldnt let this die, but now the spirits I toil with are telling me to not let this go. So i plead with you, I plead with you my dear.

Meet with me. If you have any love left in your heart, meet with me so that I may kill this devil that is inside of me and have this closure that was never given to me. To know that I'm wrong and when our eyes meet there is nothing there, then maybe, maybe these dreams will die. But until then, they are torturing me. It's so, so bad. I'm not quite sure how much longer I can let these dreams do this to me and now something that's stronger than me, you, and us... well that something wont let it go either and is forcing me to watch it every night since it started..  I'd kill to feel your breath against my cheek for real.. I await your reply...

You are all I am, you are all I ever want to be 

I think of you
A solitary cry echoes through my throat and through my mind
I think of you
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
For hours I'll just stare at my ceiling at nothing at all
And think of you
The candlelight through bells make shadows just like rosees in my mind
And I think of you

I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming again

Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Just can I die?

Maybe I could try to take a bath and drink a little wine
And think of you
But probably I'll lie naked on the floor by candlelight
And I'll think of you

I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming again
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming again

Still..

I've got em all...

With Me...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQODSqah59U

Just Because...

I've been alone for so long
Forgotten by the world forgotten to myself
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me
And brushed the dust away
But I knew you'd never stay
So I memorized the color of your eyes
As I lost myself inside you
I memorized the way our legs entwined
As I drifted off beside you
I miss
God I miss waking up beside you 

At night I cling to you I'm so afraid
Afraid the day will come
And I'll wake up and find you gone
But you promise that you'd not abandon me
And kissed my fears away
But I woke up to that day
But I had memorized the way our eyes would meet
Reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette
As you slowly brushed your hair
I miss god I miss waking up beside you 

I've been alone for so long
I forgot how much it hurts to wake up so alone
But I memorized how warm your body felt
As you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room
And played upon your body
I miss god I miss waking up beside you

I can still see the way your legs entwined....

I was at this show, and saw this song live for the first time again in almost 20 years...  It still makes me cry, especially now because being sober makes it so much more real....


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrpRwURjDhY

still and until i die...

even now, just a photograph of you smashes my heart into a thousand million little pieces... and nobody is here to put me back together again...

I was...

https://youtu.be/mahWLqnxtpg

Hey Anny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--4nhS1hdvk