The table is not always round

There are often edges
as sharp
as an eagles talon
and as vicious
as silly words
they leave marks
on biceps
that look like teeth
and they cut
they
cut
oh
so
fucking
deep
just words
nothing more
but children dont play for keeps
and adults dont know how to play
when the only game i
tried
raised my hand for
even
is the one
that i hoped
would make
me smile
for a little
longer

what a fool i am
a fool of a took
when i should only accept
my fate
of being a lonely
single
eye
crimson red
filled with hurt
anger
and
dread

time to watch others
for god knows
how
much
this
time...

read read read

The breath of your speech
dies with the silence
while your thoughts dance
with a tango
and a salsa
of men more robust
than i
yet they are so
less than i have
ever been
their arms sell for $21.76
and i can find better whores
for quite less
better women
then just a strong arm
and not a large brain
it's a high note
tap those keys
I am more than you thought
more
come,
to the window
we'll have to do this
to make it like it's real
how cute
another poem
call yourself
a lovely writer
this one
is for you....

after reading that back to myself i feel i need to preface that im open and willing for someone to change my mind but..as the post before the last one says, its uhh... not working out so well.. whatever.. keep on trucking man, keep on trucking..

a litte too personal, but hey, i said id blog the truth.

well, here we are. I'm just gonna preface this with telling you that if you don't care or want to know something personal about me, turn away now. I probably shouldnt be writing this, and the fact that im fairly sober and doing this is strange. I just have to write right now, i need to get this out or I'm gonna go crazy. So, here i go.. also, i just put "the crow" on tv off of netflix while i write this.. point of that? go ahead, laugh now, but im such a hopeless romantic that its my favorite movie.. if youve seen it or read it, you know why.. so anyway, sigh, ok.. lets get started..

last night, well technically the night before last was not a good night for me. I ventured into a bar by my house with a good female friend of mine and as i went to look at what they had on tap, i was surprised by seeing someone who lives kinda far from the island now. we're friends, but shes better friends with the ex. After the awkward shock of seeing each other faded (it took about 3 seconds) i was told that i had to leave. but not nicely. i was told, i needed to leave "right fucking now". why you say? cause apparently the ex was there herself, just in the bathroom enjoying a little pee pee or whatever. i began to think about arguing the situation as c'mon, were fucking adults, cut it out. but...well she was quite adamant about the fact that i needed to run as if i had some sort of contagious disease and i could not be around to infect other people. Now... what do you do? stand your ground? say, shut up, ill do what i want. i'm an adult and she should be one too? or do you do the proper thing, and respect others wishes.. especially someone you care about...

yeah, as you should have guessed, i respected the wishes and quickly grabbed my friend by the back of her coat and told her that we needed to go.. so we left, and yeah, she was there. as i sat in the car i saw her come out of the bathroom and freak out after being told i had just been there. i watched as we pulled away from the bar and i looked inside seeing her from afar, and she looked outside, watching me in the car... is this the point i mention i couldnt breathe? i was practically hyperventilating and thought my heart was going to punch itself out of its chest.. i didnt even see the girl close up, i barely made her out from far away but knowing she was in the same building as me was enough to make me a mess. a frustrated, sad, angry, self loathing mess..

let me ask you a question... obviously you cant answer me, so i beg you to ask yourself this. What's the worst feeling you can have? Were all different, and this is an open question. There has to be an emotion that just tears you to pieces. that one that youll do anything to avoid. Mine? mine is easy. i hate feeling a lot of things, but the worst one, the absolute worse one, is feeling that i'm not good enough. i cant stand that feeling above all others. especially because contrary to popular belief, im really fucking awesome. i'm good looking, im somewhat fit, im sweet, and when im with a girl i like, i treat her like gold. to the point that ive been told that i do it TOO MUCH. i was once told by this particular girl in the middle of an argument something that sticks with me to this day. she said; "You know your problem? do you? you put me in front of you. You put my needs and wants and feelings before your own." is this a bad thing? i'm still unsure. i still kinda think that in a relationship where real love is involved, the whole point of it is that you both put your partner before yourself.. isnt that what love is supposed to be? you know, the whole "i'll take a bullet for you," thing? isnt that the point? well, not so much according to this girl. but i digress..

so we left. we went somewhere else, and thank god for my friend because she kept me from downing a bottle of booze and smashing it against my own throat. i felt better, a bit, but not really. I just you know, kept on keeping on man. what else was i gonna do? cant contact her, she would have contacted me if that was the case. i did feel better that after 15-20 minutes of bitching/moaning/tearing my friend said to me; "you know shes doing the same thing right now". i guess that sort of made me feel better, but not a lot. it should of though, right? nope. why? well, cause i care so much that i dont want her to feel those feelings of sadness.

God im such a fucking sucker and sap sometimes.

So i dont know what im really getting at here in writing this except that if youre reading this, dont do what i do. dont put one of those black hearted monsters on a pedestal. or if you're a woman, dont put some useless dickhead on a pedestal, because they just arent worth it.. easier said than done, i know, but i feel better sharing this and telling you that cause maybe 1 out of 10 will actually listen to me. Feeling like youre not enough isnt cool. cause regardless of any situation you/i am good enough, just not for people whos not worth it. But then there's the other problem.. i can get women, fairly easily.. but they just arent her.. and if youre not her, well dear, youre not good enough. and thats just not fair to anyone. especially the ladies.. this is gonna need to change, and i think i have a solid plan for it.

black magick. or at least, Chaos magick. snicker all you want, it does wonders for the self.

so after this rant i suppose ill leave you with a poem.. im writing this at 7:42 am and on the fly, so bear with it.. im not even sure what's gonna come out of me while i do this but those are always the best, arent they? the madness brings the best out of an artist.. eventually ill be paid for these, so enjoy this one for free you fucking cocksuckers..


Often the lines get
crossed
twisted and bewitched
jagged to the point that there
is no end in sight
but you walk that line
follow it till the end
dead end
so you turn around
not before though
you see her across the gap
the chasm that is on the
other line
the other path you cant reach
and you see her
all the beauty
all that ass
all that
fun and
happiness
she makes you feel
like no woman before or after
makes you imagine
shes right there
right across the fucking
open hole you cant get
across
retreat is the only option
the sane thing to do
yet you leap
with arms stretched out in faith
praying to an unknown god
that you'll make it across
at least to the ledge
she's right there
if only you could pull
will
          yourself
                         up
to have your lips meet hers
one
       last
               time
but your strength fails you
its fleeting just like
her desire
so you scream her name
to help
           pull you
                         up
but she just stands there
frozen
           afraid
and you slip
swiftly
and your everything
is no
                                    more
as you plummet
into the chasm
the
     deep
             deep
                       chasm
of despair
never to touch those lips
even
        one
               more
                         time
so you say good-bye
and embrace the
darkness
              as it
                     envelopes
                                     all you've ever been
remembering
as you plummet
           you're
                      just
                               not
                                       good
enough...

Sad Realizations..

So sometimes you tend to be up late at night, as i usually am, and these sudden realizations come to you. Often times, they are either good or bad, but there are like pieces of epiphanies. You have to take the good with the bad i guess. You can crack another beer, maybe another, and another, and another, and hope that bad one fades away--but it wont. It's like a slimy cunt that wont leave you alone. It's there, and now you KNOW its there. God, it can be so debilitating. I suppose here's a thinly veiled attempt to tell you what they were. "Thinly veiled" because I haven't fully accepted things yet. I'm not ready, and it's not worth it yet, to really let you know who I'm talking about. Start this blog from the beginning and you'll know why one of the prettiest ones went away--but then again, you probably dont know my entire body of short story work.

Start at the beginning,

But for now, here goes my sudden feeling of inadequacy.

I love women, i really do. What straight dude doesn't? Seriously. Women are the most beautiful creatures on earth, they really are. They are also black hearted monsters that live to suck every last drop of decency and hope from your soul. Don't sit there going; "oh no, you're so wrong, WE are..."-- shut the fuck up. You are all black hearted monsters. I love you though, i love you all. I love every woman, big, small, fat, skinny, hot, ugly, i even love the pathetic looking monsters. I love you all. Will i sleep with all of you? Certainly not. I have to have some sort of moral standing, don't i? It's not against you, I'm sure youre a wonderful girl. Just not a girl for me.

See? I'm serious about that. I really do love and care for all of you-- my dick just isnt going into all of you.

So back to my inadequacy. Well, lets start at the beginning of it. I've been obsessed with a woman who i used to have and simply put, cant get back. Why am i so obsessed? well, simply put, she's more attractive than any girl you have. sorry dick. it's true. she was hands down the prettiest girl ive ever had, and one of the most fun. She was also a crazy lunatic with super princess syndrome, but hey, we are arent perfect. you know? So, I've been measuring every woman since her up these standards, and for some reason they have grown larger than life. I don't believe she was really the end all to be all, but my psyche has convinced itself that if they dont live up to her attractiveness, then you just arent good enough.

blah blah blah blah, "get over it asshole," blah blah blah "you're a dick."

ok, i get it. just cut the shit. now, lets get to the real insecurity because as much as i've felt for this past woman, i thought/think there is one that may change that. Thing is, it's never that easy. God, I wish it was.

So there's this other lady whom I felt originally that for all intensive purposes I should be able to lock down. and I don't mean anything i say here in a derogatory way. In actuality, I'm pretty serious about this. It turns out that I'm wrong, and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I mean, i get it, i sort of...no, no i dont. The first one to really ruin me i chased longer and harder than any man i personally know has ever done. In fact, i was so criticized about how much shit i put up with that most; correction: all of my friends shit all over me for dealing what i dealt with. She was worth it, so they can all shut the fuck up, but now, now is different. I don't feel like i need to jump through these hoops anymore. How much of my own blood do i need to spill to prove my worth?

So this other girl, she's the first one for a very long time that I feel more the need to talk, listen, and hand hold with than i do to just put the boots too. A very, very, very rare occurrence. So the inadequacy your saying? Yeah, i'm clearly not good enough. And i dont know why, i have my normal situations as to what i may not be good enough, but from my knowledge, she is supposed to be over that. Shouldn't the focus be on love and affection and all that jazz? It's not though. The focus grows more and more on finances than it does on eating mac and cheese while being in love. It breaks my heart. There's also the fact that i faintly tried and was considered a creep for acting out of the norm. Am i that bad of dude?

silly girl. I'm way more of a man than any dude you've recently taken over me, and way way more of what you need to fix that hole in your heart, than whats going to make it better, She will pick and choose from a plethora of suitors, herself, chasing the same thing i am. Yet, her choices seem to make me feel so inadequate that i want to run and hide from everything i cant have. This doesn't sit well with someone who thinks they can basically have for most part, anyone woman he speaks to. Now, i know i dont have the financial means to hold a lot of women, but when im looking for more than a sex partner, this should never matter. Like i said, i gave it a faint try, i would have tried harder but i was cockblocked just as i thought i had finally made a dent in her impenetrable armor. I dont blame her for her armor, everyone, even the prettiest girl on the block has dents in their armor. what i blame her for is giving chumps, dudes, nobody worth the salt i sweat-- a chance at making her happy. i can handle a good old-- "this doesnt look like its going to work," not everyone is meant to be with each other. I'd be okay if thats the way the cards were dealt. I'm just not okay when a donkey gets a better shot at proving his worth when i know my own outshines theirs like the first sunrise in alaska after 6 months of darkness.

So in retrospect, even i feel the notion of inadequacy. I feel it so stongly from this newly found woman of my distorted dreams. I'm not going to sit here and say shes the "one". That would be a fools statement. I will sit here and say over and over, that shes good enough that I'm willing to try and find out-- except I'm not good enough in her four eyes to discover if i'm a failure or a success.

I just want an honest shot at being a success for once.... . . . . . .

Come spring

So, i crack this next beer and although i dont want it, i feel i need it. Not because i want it, i dont feel the need to finish this beer, but it's what im doing that requires it. I'm watching "Born Into This"-- if you don't know what that is, it's a pretty decent biography of Bukowski-- The Father. He's a madman, a man who refused to let the world to bring him down. I also relate to him on another way. He had a horrible young life, and although mine wasnt that bad, it was pretty bad family wise, but it wasnt that bad, but his acne made him who he was. I get that. I do.
Do you know what its like to be shunned by the entire clique of high school? too have the lonliness stare at you every second of every day?
 This world, the people we have grown, have no place to understand what comes of that. The hatred and bullyness has no love when thats all that there should be. This world will eat you alive if you give it the chance. These people will kill you if you let them bring the knife closer to your throat. It will knick you, right on the side of your neck, and then you will feel the blade of the pain, of years and years, of being an outcast. Do you think a knick on your throat hurts? it doesnt, it probably barely, well, you wont know, but i do, it barely feels like anything more than a kitten clawing at a plaything. You'll pick the kitten up a dozen times, knowing full well that it will claw at your neck almost every time.
but you pick it up.
you want to hold it, to coddle it
to love it.
its so adorable
its the thing that makes you feel
human again
it makes you feel like
you have a
                    heart
but its ruined time and time again
the cantos arent about you
they arent about
                          me
wait until spring
                        kid
because John would want
                                        you
                                                too

love is a dog from hell...

They tend to come
whether you want
                            them
or you
                        dont
its true
like the color of the
sky
or the truth
of the world
they
             come
especially when you find
one
                       always
one
they  can make all the
                                 pain
go away
fade away
like the wilting of a
                                flower
you've never even
                                seen
she can make it feel
like the most beautiful thing
in the
                                           world
these concepts are no longer
worth my time
because you will never
                                   pay the tab
of this
bill
it's too high
                               and this heart
beats
               on and on
on and on
               on and on
but it's not for
                        you
to feel
             is it?

like them

So now i want to listen
to only classical music
to artists
musicians
men of another color
one's how heard another beat
another slow rythum of
                                   difference
the beautiful embrace of
pianos
violins
bass'es
that
           stand up
within the cold standard
of how hard we die
day by
           day
we
             are
                       dying
with no remorse
for what we could
                            have
                                     been
without what these
tellers
have told
                      us
about how were supposed
to        
       be
               like
                          them

Red Lobster

I think maybe tomorrow
then again
maybe not cause of
work
maybe Wednesday
I'm off that day
so maybe on wednesday
i'll take the ferry
then the train
and another
                       train
i'll go back to where
grandpa and i
used to battle the fates
the God's screamed at me
then
           they
                    thought
                                 they
                                           could
beat
                  me
but they couldn't
at the end of the day
i'd buy the old man
a nice glass
of rum and a lobster
as we waited
for the
          fucking traffic
                                to

stop

i cant even look at the face
that causes me to distress
and hurts this body behind the bones
were there is no pain but
real pain
the kind that even brings tears to these hardened eyes
i cant even fathom looking at the look
that doesnt let me breathe
stifles my breath
hurts my chest
i could die
and be happy
if i died
and let go of everything
that i never was

Hello old friend
How i've missed you so
you once were the light
the magnificent sunlight
coupled with a smile
i can still recall
walking up that lonely street
with its ferocious sunlight
beckoning a rest and re-posit
at the movie theater
where the cool air
dances a waltz down the back of my
neck
because the fresh new world was
melting in the foray
and watching it unfold
scares the new me
just as much as it terrified the old
been through it a thousand times
"you know the drill, son"
always i will have to
endure a new
drill
never recovering from the wounds
the old one has set upon
my self
there's the hole in my arm
the one in my leg
the one in my head
and then the obvious one
the largest gaping hole i have
ever
never
what would you say now?
one in my
barely functioning heart
now dear
i'm still waiting here
my dear
i am going to kill all of them
with a rummel
hidden beneath this loincloth
i've been biding my time
for the proper send off
the proper
good-bye
this is how the real world ends
and your new life
oh, don't you love it?
this is how it begins
with blood on my hands
and tears i let streak down my cheeks
just so i can drink them and taste
the salt
it reminds me i havent crossed over
to the realm of the dead
i'll know i'm alive
and how i'm fucking up all i knew
this is the last chance to get tickets
to a fabulous show
i'll be atop that lighthouse
watching the armada i've called forward
rise from the depths of the small island
they all thought useless
minions crawl
slither
and remind the old timers
that soldiers live
and water never sleeps
to expect glory
is to sleep on the shores
of forgiveness

i sleep on a bed of rocks that are
filled with anything but that
they remind me of all the transgressions
i had bemused myself with letting go of
i can feel their stubble now
searing the flesh
i no longer care about
the skin i so aptly wish to shed
to become the demon i was told
i would become
in years past
that wicked little witch on Lark street
told me so
now her belief is coming to light
as if a fire had appeared inside the
cavern of black ice
she said this would be the day
i let it enfold me

listen up young girl
listen up
believe this is it
the time for sorry has
come
and
gone
i will find what i've come for
i will take your throat and make you
remember who your
first true
there is none of that now
only this
only pain and hurt and pain and hurt
and loneliness
it encompasses all i can
see
all i feel
there is a reason for this
and the vision i behold is that of
these two feeble hands firmly wrapped
around the throat
and then the feeling of lightness
and falling

i wanna fall now

through the darkness and through the turmoil
i will let this body slip and catch myself
on the other side
its time to go up to the roof

i'll be with you soon
whether you like it
or
not...just

WHO the fuck thought it was a good ideato not tell me that the new Coheed put out a new album??>?>!> ive been waiting for this for god knows how long.. I'm listening to it now, but unfortunately im gonna leave it soon to watch lost like the g",""ood nerd i am, but then im all over this shit... please, tell me how u feel about it.. im 2 songs in and i like it, will i like after 7? I bet i will, they are too good to not love them.. concept albums are the best..

check out "Boys Night Out" an d their album called "trainwreck" still one of the best ever.. truth

i am without
that deserving person
to thank
who has come to be
by my side
as i crumble in the dust
vying to be someone
something for her
to proud of
without the yacht
to giver her what she
deserves
one day i will find this
golden ticket
that shall take me away
far
away
from this horrible
house of terrors
freddy has a knife
and a colt 45.
he's no longer that dude
who only comes in your
nightmare
not when your nightmare
has become your life
sign the blue sky
with my darkened ink
my soul has become a fountain
and this darkness
an inkwell
so can you do me one
last favor?
pull out this pen
and gently scrawl
the words to my end
you can own it
like you deserved it
and now i watch
from your bedroom window
as everything refuses
to meld
to come together

i'm nothing but a fool

the end comes dark
with a head that can't move
and i watch the darkness
envelop
the man i once was
now i sit still
during the night

and i sacrifice
things you cannot see
one of them being
the me
i will never
be...

death does not loom
early enough
for those that this
cracked heart
and tense shoulders
send into
ruthless aggression

sometimes
it is easier
to swing the scythe
yourself

and make it happen
before
it ruins
whats left of you...

hey demon, get off my back.. i cant seem to find the time to indulge you with all the shit you desire, and all the pain, and all suffering.

ring my ears until they bleed.

cause an epic disaster, just in the name of...

you need to fade like the ghosts of tomorrow.

hey deamon, leave me alone. you cause me to throw things in a drunken stupor when i can finally see your disfigured face.

hey deamon, leave me alone.

Or i shall turn into one of your kind, and come looking for you..

soon...

So i was thinking about what i wanted to write about on here and couldn't really come up with anything until a sudden rush of anger came over me. i was messing around on facebook and came a across a profile of someone i know, and i looked at his pictures and remarked to myself about something and then all of a sudden.. out loud, i feel the need to say "i fucking hate this kid."

Now, to be honest, the last time i saw him i remember remarking to myself how much i fucking hated him then. So now i'm here in this haze of not-nostalgia because i never liked him when we were "friends" anyway, and thinking back to when i did know this individual, i fucking hated him a lot more then. I fucking hate his face even though i may never see it in person for a very long time. i still wanna punch the shit out of him?

You ever have that with someone? just look at their picture and wanna punch their stupid little comformity loving fucking douchbagery face so hard that you can then make douchebag soup with their god-damned eyeballs afterwards?

Am i that socially fucked that i'm the only one that thinks of this shit? Seriously?

I must have that feeling over a dozen times a day if i leave my house for more than a few hours. and please, let's not even think about mentioning when i'm working, cause that's a whole nother beast that nobody wants to come near.. seriously, i should be allowed a shalalie to fucking pounce over peoples heads all day and night long.

So, anyway, i digress. The point i was trying to make about this is Why am i his friend on facebook if in real life i'd love to punch him in his snotbox for old times sake? I don't get it.. and if i go through all of the people i'm "friends" with on there, i'm no doubt sure he isn't the only one. So what the fuck?

NOT WTF! you fucking lazy cunts! learn how to type its WHAT THE FUCK!

That's all for now.. check out my other website.. http://www.MichaelCruzLttD.com

Next post might be about how i fucking hate people who write "LOL" i really hate those fucks..

So i wanna talk about something that seems to follow me EVERYWHERE and almost sets me over the edge EVERY FUCKING TIME IT HAPPENS! So i’m gonna preface this all with something first, and i feel it is very important that I do for you to fully understand the scope of my rage. This isn’t just normal rage, its hand shaking, teeth clenching, and very loud cursing in public rage. We all know I already hate everyone, but this just goes too far.

I used to live in Maine, a place I still hold dearly in my heart and always will. Maine is obviously not NYC, and the pace there is very slackened then what everyone here is used to. Now, I know that most people say that us New Yorkers are always in far too great a rush and if only we’d slow down our quality of life would be better. Now, although I may agree with this statement, it’s not entirely true. If I am trying to get from point A to point B quickly, there is no need or reason to slow down. So, since this is a subject I will most likely write about often, I will spare you more babbling about the why’s and how’s.

Earlier tonight i left the house with two objectives. One was going to Blockbuster for something. That was simple and mission accomplished with my mood only slightly aggravated due to idiot drivers (something I could write a whole damn book about on the subject alone,) now my next goal was to go to Pathmark (only because its close to my house) to get a couple of things. I race around the store because all I really want to do is get back home, skillfully and nimbly dodging old people and retards. Now don’t get your panties all in a bunch here. I don’t mean that as in “mentally handicapped people,” I mean that as in everyday “normal” people. Why are people SO fucking stupid? PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME!

I finally get everything and pay for it quickly and then have to go on another line to buy smokes. After about 4 minutes of the man behind the counter explaining something to the dumb woman he’s talking to for the third time, I get fed up and decide to leave. Now, here we go. I’m walking at pretty fast pace and get to the first exit (there’s two) and I can’t seem to get out the door.. why? That’s a good question..

Because some no-good-donkey-looking-half a brain-dimwitted-never graduated highschool fucktwat is lulling through life and I cant get around her fat ass. She wasn’t even that fat, maybe then she could have had an excuse for why she was moving so slow. And it’s one……two…….three….. shes going so fucking slow that I counted to ten to stay my rage and had taken three full steps. So I do my best to finally get around her on her right and what do I run into? That’s right, a family of three that’s moving so fucking slow that by the time I got home they were surely still packing their car. I mean, I just couldn’t take. I yelled out in rage that I wanted to fucking kill them all and if I had my way they would learn how to walk.

How do these people ever make it somewhere on time? I just don’t understand it? Is it that they have nowhere good to get to? Or they are so stupid they don’t understand the notion of time? I once waited 5 minutes for three people to cross a crosswalk that couldn’t have been more than twenty feet across! WHHHHYYYY must they be ALIVE?!!?

When did putting one foot in front of the other in a timely manner because a matter of intelligence? Just thinking about these fucking slow-poke-vegan loving retards is making my blood boil! I just wish someone could explain to me why they do that. I cant just ask one can i? ill be waaayyy to angry to be civil and they wont take it well so ill end up in jail from beating them within an inch of their life, lets see if they learn how to fucking run then! ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!

One day I want to rule the world so I can just get rid of these people each time they piss me off..

My anger is unendying.

Broken bones

And bloody kisses

Ill make you taste your puke

So i have this problem in my house and i really need to rectify it. I have a mouse, or mice if you will and i cant seem to stop this little bastard! He's too smart and wont take bait. He's getting more and more daring too, the son of bitch almost looked me in the eye today. I have to find a way to get him and his cohorts, there's gotta be a way. I cant get a cat because my roomate is allergic, so that's out. I'm gonna patch up all the holes i can find tomorrow and go from there.

I will vanquish this foe!

so this is a late post. I'm watching the royal rumble after a long night of drinking in nyc. I really dont like WWE anymore. I think they suck, I mean, have you seen TNA? i know hogan and bischoff are there, so ok, they suck, but still. The wrestlers are still ten times better than the wrestlers in WWE! they are so much better. they tend to wrestle instead of tell a stupid story that i really dont care about. TNA tells me a story and gives me a fantastic match at the same time. I'm watching the first match right now and im already bored. It's sad whats become of wrestling. It is. TNA should own this shit. Simply because they have AJ styles... thats enough. where's ric flair paired with Samoa Joe? really? this shit is just out of hand..

On the notion of a Thursday night.

i fucking hate thursday nights, and you know why? it's really simple actually. i do my double on friday which for those of you that don't know, it entails a shift that starts at 11am and ends usually anywhere from 4-5am.. thats roughly 17-18 hours of straight being on my feet.. now i know some of you wanna say "ohh waaahhh, poor you. you get to hang out and drink at night and have fun"

yeah, well, fuck you. It's not exactly like that. i want you to imagine this for all you people that have "normal" jobs. If you say, wanna read a text message that would normally take ohh say 33 seconds.. yeah, that takes me 5 minutes. or better yet, how about writing a text message.. uninterrupted i could write the txt in about 2-3 minutes.. but at work it could take me over 30 minutes because of these fucking drunks who REFUSE, ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to wait just 2 fucking seconds. They dont care that i have a life, they dont care i have things i need to take care of, all they care about is that they NEED their next drink, and NOW.

Let's try another. How about when you have to use the bathroom? Can you get up from your "cubicle," or your "office," and simply walk to the bathroom and use it? i mean, baring from being in a meeting or something, do you have the ability to use a bathroom?

guess what? I FUCKING DONT! i've literally walked from around the bar and have them JAWING AT ME and bitching and moaning that they will have to wait 2 minutes for their next drop of booze.. and i'm just talking about taking a piss.. i could never even imagine having to drop a deuce.. no time.. the last time i tried i was in the bathroom and kept getting yelled at through the door by 1)a drunk, 2) a delivery guy, and 3) one of my waiters because he couldnt handle the delivery.. yeah, you try using the bathroom at my job.. its fucking miserable

i've literally had to GO OUTSIDE to text my bosses about something important because they would never even let me breathe for a fucking second to do it if they see me..

so yeah, i fucking despise thursday night because i dont want to go to sleep because as soon as i go to sleep i have to wake up and enter HELL for 17 hours.. its 2:20am right now and im exhasted but i'm refusing to go to sleep because i'm not ready to give up the ability to take a piss for 17 hours yet.. i just cant do it.. god i hate it.. as a matter of fact, i hate working all together, but its even worse when i'm not even allowed to breathe without being badgered by no good fucking worthless impatient donkey looking hankey loving miserable wastes of skin drunks who have zero couth when it comes to manners and at least disguising their pathetic unquenchable desire for alcohol.. and let's not even get into the discussion on how they will act like this towards me for 4 hours and then think its "cool" to leave me $5... yeah, next time, i'll pay half of them $8 to just stay the fuck home and leave me alone..

noticing a theme here yet?

i fucking hate everyone..