upon request... 2 pages from the Saga that seems to never end... and my i say that after loosing full control last nite i just might be pulling everything together again.. now all i need is a good binder involving lots of booze and a casino.. any of you nice ladies want to sponser me? i cant promise a return on the money but im gonna try me best.... worst case scenario ill become your slave for a bit.... without further adu.. pages 20 n 21... enjoy people...
“So friggen what? So take care of this tonight and then you can try and patch things up with Guenivere at a later date. Why are you sweating this bitch so hard? She dissed you already, she’s not gonna fucking call you back either way. You know this, I know this, and Drew over here knows this. Just fucking realize it already, she wants nothing to do with you anymore. You fucked that one up, simple as that. And to top it all off, Guenivere isnt even half as hot as this bitch is.”
Those words rang through my head like a shotgun blast repeatedly going off. “You fucked that one up.” There was no getting around it, there was nothing i could do about it. I had ruined it with her and now it was over. Time and time again, whenever i found one that i really liked, i found a way to fuck it up. How could i do this again? I swore to myself that i wouldnt let this happen with her, this time around it was going to be the real thing. There is no real thing when it comes to affairs of the heart, just a lock of hair that you stare at everynight they aren’t there, and shattered glass everwhere because every mirror you see reminds you of her. A wave of depression came crashing down on me and covered me like a blanket of self-loathing.
Mary came back with two of her friends and everyone quickly introduced each other. I went from a not wanting to leave the house to a a big great fucking triple date party. All i wanted now was to get drunk and be left alone but it was far too late for that, only thing left to do was keep drinking until i died (or at least that was the plan). Satori and Drew without hesitation both picked one of her friends and paired up with them. On all normal accounts it would have been a perfect situation, Mary was gorgeous and both her friends were almost as hot as her. I finally got the prettiest one and i didn’t even want her was all i could think. I needed another drink already so i grabbed Mary and took her up to the bar with me.
“What do you want to drink?”
“Ummmm, just get me a Kronenberg.” Well at least this girl knew her beers.
I got our drinks and we went back to join the rest of the pack. Looking around everyone seemed so happy, everyone was smiling and laughing. I felt myself putting on the same face but i was dying inside, every fiber within me was screaming for notice. Every word that rolled off her tounge was a shot to my temple, a fistfull of pins and a pocket full of daggers. It was all just a reminder of Guenivere and how i would never get the girl. What was the point of even talking to Mary anyway? No matter what happened, im sure i would find a way to fuck it up eventually. I finished my drink in two hits and it was apparently decided to go to another bar.
I got outside and lit a cigarette, the first drag in that state is always the most fullfilling.
“Hey, can i have one of those?” She asked me.
“Sure sweetheart, but they are Marlboro red’s. I dont know if thats too strong for you.”
“Too strong for me? Hahaha, thats what i smoke silly. I figure that if your gonna smoke cigarettes then fuck you might as well smoke a real cigarette.”
“My sentiments exactly, to tell you the truth.”
“So are you ok and all? Do you not want us to hang out with you guys?”
“That’s kind out of nowhere. Why would you say something like that?”
“I dunno, it’s just you don’t really seem all that into me or anything thats going on right now.” This was my chance to just get rid of her and go somewhere else alone to keep drinking. She was giving me the oppurtunity and all i had to do was take it. I might have even been able to do it in such a way that didnt even hurt her feelings.
“I’m sorry, its just that you met me on a bad night i guess. I just have alot of shit on my mind so im kind of out of it. I wasn’t even going to come out but these guys insisted and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I am really having fun with you though, even if it doesnt look like it. Im definately glad i met you, so don’t worry.”
“So what’s on your mind then?”
“How about if i promise to not think about it for the rest of the night and then i’ll just tell you another time?”
“Ok, i’ll go along with that but your gonna have to tell me eventually.” She just smiled and put her arm around mine as we walked. What the fuck was i thinking? That was my out, now i have to pull it all together and i was already so drunk. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to keep her around, shit seemed cool enough there was only one problem. She wasn’t Guenivere. We walked inside and before i had a chance to order drinks the bartender walked over and handed me a Jameson. I got Mary a drink and we went over to the jukebox to play a few songs.
“So what do you wanna hear?”
“See if they have any “My Chemical Romance,” i really like them.”
“Really? That’s crazy cuz they are one of my favorite bands right now. It’s nice to see you have good taste in music.”
“That’s not all i have good taste in.” She said as she leaned over to kiss me and i realized i was trapped. If i didn’t kiss her back then i would be scarred from ever talking to her again (even though i kept telling myself that i didnt care but alas a beautifull woman is hard to pass up) but if i kissed her then deal would be signed and sealed. I was too drunk to even care anymore and she was too beautifull to say no. I accepted her kiss and leaned foward having her lips meet mine. Her lips felt so soft and to my surprise she was an amazing kisser. There is nothing worse then kissing a girl for the first time to find out that she has no idea what the fuck she is doing. There have been many a girls where thier first kiss was also their last for this reason alone. You can’t teach someone to bea good kisser either, i tried once and it failed miserably.
When we finally pulled back from each other i looked straight at her and she was biting the side of her lip. I knew full well what this meant because i found myself doing everytime i kissed Guenivere. She was into me and mine if all i would do was what i should have done right at that moment. I lacked the guster and the get go, i lacked the desire because my artiries were blocked with clots of Guenivere. I was choking on love that hadn’t even had a chance to materialize, i was suffocating myself without acknowledgeing it.
“What’s that face all about?” I asked her.
“Nothing, its just that i want another one of those already.” God she had such a cute smile, i was starting to get entranced in her eyes when i felt a pitchfork poke me in the right side of my face. That bastard devil who sits there was reminding me of Guenivere and refused to let it go. I had no choice but to listen to him, he was right again. I drained my drink and felt myself slip over that edge of drunk and too drunk. Trying to keep some sort of focus was almost impossible. I sat there with her doing my best to keep composure and slowly sipping my next drink. She was beyond drunk herself but i seriously doubted if she was anywhere near the level i had attained.
.
dont u want more???
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Saturday, June 26, 2004
if your of the female race then you should die... high skool games where cool 7 years ago but now im too crazy and this is too real.. its too late to be gracious, you really dont warrant long good-byes but i wouldnt mind if you called too late cuz i woulod still answer... and im afraid of americans, and im afraid of me... im afraid... so im going to go the bar and get an ego rub....... maybe theres someone better out there, or maybe the truth hurts too much because jesus hates me and theres nothing mroe too it.... i cant help it, the ruiner follows me hiding in my shadows making a mockery of everything i stand for. whos got he hard drugs? im looking... and im starving, starving for something real, something more then what i hace... something i lost, something i lost,, guenivere.. such a pretty name.., too bad i gaveit too such a cunt... die die die die,. your reading this?> yea you can die too... ill comb my hair back and i want pussy and cars... im an american....
Friday, June 18, 2004
In this hanging garden
the flowers wither and decay
pixie dust not enough of a remedy
brutality and viciousness
we dance like lovers
loathing each other
while begging for another note
to stand handless
loveless tonight
i'll fall asleep
visions of masqueraded balls
and quaint disguises
hiding shame of disgrace
marked by smiles
and tender lips
skinned to be all thats left
a ghost of nights so easily forgotten
make a tourniquet
there's no stopping this bleeding
slit throat
and the blade is clutched in your fist
reminder of something youve never seen
perfect day
sunshine daydream
opputune time to sever ties
promises are nothing more then breaths
mistaken for meaning
and i swore i would die for you
just not like this
and i swore i would lay down all vices
now ive picked up my worst
hours pass
and days seem to fade
without a notice
i'm just thinking about spilling blood
not the precious kind
but the insignificant
mine
would look so good soaking in your sheets
with four pillows
covering a body not made for light
shadows flicker like a catipiller
saving memories
mental inconstincies
and the right side of this bed is shallow
one foot down seems just right
yet its filled with emtpy dreams
fucking close my eyes
not this night
i will never sleep again
the hook on the ceiling seems so nostalgic
4 feet of rope
would look like it belonged
with dangling feet
and fingers pressed together in prayer
that the door will open
and ill be found there.....
the flowers wither and decay
pixie dust not enough of a remedy
brutality and viciousness
we dance like lovers
loathing each other
while begging for another note
to stand handless
loveless tonight
i'll fall asleep
visions of masqueraded balls
and quaint disguises
hiding shame of disgrace
marked by smiles
and tender lips
skinned to be all thats left
a ghost of nights so easily forgotten
make a tourniquet
there's no stopping this bleeding
slit throat
and the blade is clutched in your fist
reminder of something youve never seen
perfect day
sunshine daydream
opputune time to sever ties
promises are nothing more then breaths
mistaken for meaning
and i swore i would die for you
just not like this
and i swore i would lay down all vices
now ive picked up my worst
hours pass
and days seem to fade
without a notice
i'm just thinking about spilling blood
not the precious kind
but the insignificant
mine
would look so good soaking in your sheets
with four pillows
covering a body not made for light
shadows flicker like a catipiller
saving memories
mental inconstincies
and the right side of this bed is shallow
one foot down seems just right
yet its filled with emtpy dreams
fucking close my eyes
not this night
i will never sleep again
the hook on the ceiling seems so nostalgic
4 feet of rope
would look like it belonged
with dangling feet
and fingers pressed together in prayer
that the door will open
and ill be found there.....
its almost 11 on friday night and i cant get drunk let alone that im not where i wish i was at all.. desire is the fruit of all depression and i really dont like fruit...
Snow is falling on the desert sky
Barren it slopes further down
Trickling and sliding
slithering with a venimous smile
etched perfectly into my dreams
like a storyboard planned
it was all ready to be filmed
cancelled
funds recalled
and answers nowhere to be heard
without a sound
i fashion the answer for it all
and you dont notice
or care
what if i put this to your head?
and dared to turn the trigger
to its true owner
anything for bloodshed.....
Snow is falling on the desert sky
Barren it slopes further down
Trickling and sliding
slithering with a venimous smile
etched perfectly into my dreams
like a storyboard planned
it was all ready to be filmed
cancelled
funds recalled
and answers nowhere to be heard
without a sound
i fashion the answer for it all
and you dont notice
or care
what if i put this to your head?
and dared to turn the trigger
to its true owner
anything for bloodshed.....
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Ive decided to open the floodgates once again... Im trying dont you know? Due to circurmstances out of my hands ive had the need to loose it and do this again... i know its been a good while since ive posted as most of you know but here it goes again.. as most of you who know me well know, this thing was my downfall about one year ago this time, and i figure since my face is once again kissing pavement and the heart is bleeding from the sleeve, i might as well go another round with it.. WARNING!!!!!!!!! this will offend a great many of you (as it has done in the past, mainly all you simple minded, half a woman, stupid fucking, self defacating females...) sorry for the tangent but this thing has cost me some great things but im back to not caring and kissing the bottle more then ever.. yea, i had opened the doors and wound up falling inbetween one as it crushed my skull repeatedly so im back to just kissing the bottle.. my only true friend.. so there will be posts almost every day and i promise they will be just as good as the old ones.. im also going to leave snipets of my stories on here for u to see.. the one im working on now is shaping up to be the most emotional and best one yet.. too bad each word i write chips a piece of my soul away but hey, its all for the story, right? well without further adu here is the piece i promised.. the title of this one is tentitvly called "the only broken hearted looser nobody will ever need" or "just please slit my throat now".. im not quite sure cuz they both kind of fit.. heres a piece from the middle.. enjoy and as always... AIM= Hiddenlie and email is HiddenLie@hotmail.com so hit me up with some feedback... before i pull this trigger i just want to look in your eyes one more time, and as my blood spills on your floor ill take off my shirt to soak it up....
“Well that’s good to know i guess.” I took a nice long hit and finished off about a half a beer in one gulp. I was going to need as much alcohol as i could get into my system before they got here. I cracked another one and drained it to perfection in about 3 minutes. Most of the girls went inside as i sat talking to one of her friends when we both realized that they had showed up. We decided that we should go in and say hello so i drained another one real quick, took a deep breath and made my way inside.
“Ohh so your the new boyfriend huh?” Her father imediately said to me.
“Hahaha, well see about that.”
“No hahaha, well see. I heard your the new boyfriend.”
I just smiled at him without much to say. I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries and offend him before i had gained his respect. Gunivere’s cat had become pregnant and her parents were discussing what the kittens were going to be.
“I hope its a boy. Since im apparently not getting grandkids for awhile, i want this thing to have boys.”
Not getting grandkids for awhile! Was this man out of his fucking mind! I wasn’t prepared to father a child. I was having enough trouble taking care of my own fucked up self, let alone bring a child into this world.
“You hear me Aidain? It better be a boy when it comes down to it.” He said to me as he pointed his bony ass finger towards me.
“Hey, do you think i wanna have a girl? Fuck now, my first kid better be a boy” I shot back at him, hoping that it would work. He looked at me for a second and started laughing as he tilted his head towards his wife.
“I like this guy! He’s alright in my book.” I had done it, i had gained some respect from him just like that. After that i was in the clear and anything we said to each other was with at least a tidbit of respect. He still busted my balls whenver he got the chance but at least now i knew he had some respect for me. When they left, he shook my hand and made his departure.
“You did good baby, i think my father likes you.” She leaned over and kissed me as i let out a sigh of relief. It was over and it went off without a problem. Gaining the respect of a girls father wasn’t always the easiest thing to acomplish but i had the feeling that me and him were going to get along just fine. We let the night wind down without much more of importance going on. I had slowed down on my drinking due to the fact that i had so much to do tomorrow but she kept at it like a champ. I know it was horrible to like that in her but i couldnt help it. I liked to dink alot, so i needed a woman who could endorse that and keep up with me when i did it. I kept thinking that everything was turning up Aidan.
We got into bed and talked for what seemed to be hours about things that had no importance on the outside world. I learned how much she already liked me. I learned a bit about her troubled past with guys. When i complimented on how beautiful she looked tonight, she started to freak out on me.
“Stop that. You don’t have to say things like that.”
“I know that i dont have to say anything of the sort. I want to say that too you, because thats how i feel. I mean look at you, i’m so lucky to be laying here next to you. I’m sure theres a ton of guys out there dying for this oppurtunity right now.”
“I don’t think you understand. Boy’s dont like me. I really can’t remember the last time that i had a cute boy hit on me.”
“Your out of your cotten picking mind right now. Are you kidding me? If i seen you in a bar, i would be all over you. I probably wouldnt even waste any time in fear that someone else would get to you before me.”
“Seriously your too sweet. Damn, i want you right now. I still think we should wait alittle while before we sleep together though. I dont want to rush into this.”
“I know babe, its just fine with me. As far as i see it, theres going to be plenty of time for that to come.”
“That’s so true, but i just want you now. No, were going to wait. You need 3 legitimate dates before we do anything.”
“So is this number two? Considering last night was supposed to be a date and all,”
“Nope but well see if we can’t work out some sort of substitution for you.”
I just leaned over and kissed her good-night as she laid her head upon my naked chest. Her hair felt like velvet on my skin, and her skin felt like satin as she pressed it up against mine. Another night i fell asleep making the angels jealous.
“Well that’s good to know i guess.” I took a nice long hit and finished off about a half a beer in one gulp. I was going to need as much alcohol as i could get into my system before they got here. I cracked another one and drained it to perfection in about 3 minutes. Most of the girls went inside as i sat talking to one of her friends when we both realized that they had showed up. We decided that we should go in and say hello so i drained another one real quick, took a deep breath and made my way inside.
“Ohh so your the new boyfriend huh?” Her father imediately said to me.
“Hahaha, well see about that.”
“No hahaha, well see. I heard your the new boyfriend.”
I just smiled at him without much to say. I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries and offend him before i had gained his respect. Gunivere’s cat had become pregnant and her parents were discussing what the kittens were going to be.
“I hope its a boy. Since im apparently not getting grandkids for awhile, i want this thing to have boys.”
Not getting grandkids for awhile! Was this man out of his fucking mind! I wasn’t prepared to father a child. I was having enough trouble taking care of my own fucked up self, let alone bring a child into this world.
“You hear me Aidain? It better be a boy when it comes down to it.” He said to me as he pointed his bony ass finger towards me.
“Hey, do you think i wanna have a girl? Fuck now, my first kid better be a boy” I shot back at him, hoping that it would work. He looked at me for a second and started laughing as he tilted his head towards his wife.
“I like this guy! He’s alright in my book.” I had done it, i had gained some respect from him just like that. After that i was in the clear and anything we said to each other was with at least a tidbit of respect. He still busted my balls whenver he got the chance but at least now i knew he had some respect for me. When they left, he shook my hand and made his departure.
“You did good baby, i think my father likes you.” She leaned over and kissed me as i let out a sigh of relief. It was over and it went off without a problem. Gaining the respect of a girls father wasn’t always the easiest thing to acomplish but i had the feeling that me and him were going to get along just fine. We let the night wind down without much more of importance going on. I had slowed down on my drinking due to the fact that i had so much to do tomorrow but she kept at it like a champ. I know it was horrible to like that in her but i couldnt help it. I liked to dink alot, so i needed a woman who could endorse that and keep up with me when i did it. I kept thinking that everything was turning up Aidan.
We got into bed and talked for what seemed to be hours about things that had no importance on the outside world. I learned how much she already liked me. I learned a bit about her troubled past with guys. When i complimented on how beautiful she looked tonight, she started to freak out on me.
“Stop that. You don’t have to say things like that.”
“I know that i dont have to say anything of the sort. I want to say that too you, because thats how i feel. I mean look at you, i’m so lucky to be laying here next to you. I’m sure theres a ton of guys out there dying for this oppurtunity right now.”
“I don’t think you understand. Boy’s dont like me. I really can’t remember the last time that i had a cute boy hit on me.”
“Your out of your cotten picking mind right now. Are you kidding me? If i seen you in a bar, i would be all over you. I probably wouldnt even waste any time in fear that someone else would get to you before me.”
“Seriously your too sweet. Damn, i want you right now. I still think we should wait alittle while before we sleep together though. I dont want to rush into this.”
“I know babe, its just fine with me. As far as i see it, theres going to be plenty of time for that to come.”
“That’s so true, but i just want you now. No, were going to wait. You need 3 legitimate dates before we do anything.”
“So is this number two? Considering last night was supposed to be a date and all,”
“Nope but well see if we can’t work out some sort of substitution for you.”
I just leaned over and kissed her good-night as she laid her head upon my naked chest. Her hair felt like velvet on my skin, and her skin felt like satin as she pressed it up against mine. Another night i fell asleep making the angels jealous.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
OK so i know its been awhile... but heres the good news, im writing again. I wrote this story here last nite. I know its not that good, so please be easy. I wrote it leavign out alot of texture and such because i could have been going on for hours and i wanted to get it out while i could. so anyway here it is... if you decide to read this then u must send me a message at HiddenLie on AIM and let me know what u think.. seriously, im putting this shit out here, at least give me some feedback... thanks...
"New Beginnings"
I had just finished moving in, and began staring around the room looking for my next move. I decided that I should start unpacking all these boxes but first i made myself a nice drink. I drank it down quickly and started on the next one. I hated moving into a new place, all that packing and unpacking. You had to rearange all your shit and realize that there was no need for even having half of it. I found one good room in the place, there was a desk set up at the window, it was a nice old one too. I figured i could set up my typewriter there. I had gotten everything in order in about no time seeing as how i didn’t have much else to do. The bottle was beginning to run low and i felt like i might as well venture out of the house on my first night there. I had seen this dive bar that was a round the corner when i was moving everything in. I drained my drink, took some of the little money i had left and went on my way.
When i opened the door i felt at home right away. The place was dark and musty, with a few old guys sitting at the bar staring down their drinks. Some men go to the bar to celebrate but the fortunate few go and sit there to forget. They want to forget their wives, girlfriends, dead end jobs, and life in its fullest. The place smelled like piss and i almost began to gag before i got used to it. I pulled up a seat and got the bartender’s attention. “I’ll take a Jameson on the rocks please.” She turned around and i got a good look at her ass, it was almost perfect the way it shifted as she walked to the end of the bar to find my bottle. As she walked back towards me i could see her in full, and wanted to get a piece of her. It had been awhile and she seemed like the perfect fit to what i needed. She had a small chest but her face made up for the things she was lacking. She seemed almost innocent, like she didnt belong in a place like this. She handed me my drink and asked for $6 dollars. The price seemed high, but she had poured me a good one. I drank it down quickly and asked for another.
I looked around the room at all the sorry son of bitches that were sitting around me. This one guy seemed as if his old woman had just left him. He just sat there looking at his drink as if it was all he had left to himself. For a moment i felt for him. Women can do horrible things to men. Good men too, they always get it the worst. I bet you he adored her every move and gave her everything he could that was in his power. That is never enough, they never like it much when you truly love them. Some rat bastard had most likely come along and treated her like shit (they always love that) , he probably fucked with her head till eventually she caved and gave into him. Now this poor guy had nothing left but that drink in front of him, at least he had that. I called the bartender over again.
“I’ll take a bottle of beer and a shot of whiskey please.” She looked at me with an awkward grin.
“I’ve never seen you before, have you ever been here before?”
“No, i just moved back into town and this is the closest bar to my place, so i figured i could get a good drink here.” Her eyes seemed to widen as i spoke and i knew that she wanted to pay attention to my words for some reason. I was the youngest guy in the place, most likely somewhere near her age. I might have also been the best looking depending on her taste. She had to have a boyfriend though, she was too good looking of a woman. That’s always the problem with the good looking ones, they are never alone too long. You have to get the good looking ones when the timing is right. Right after they have broken up with thier boyfriends and are eager for something new. I could see in her eyes that something wasn’t right though. Somehow inside she was all fucked up. “How about those drinks? And pour yourself one too while your at it.”
“Why thank you, i’m not really supposed to drink while i work but i guess i can make an exception just this once.” She said as she shot me a devishly cute smile. She turned and i took another look at her ass. Man, what an ass she had. I started to invision myself getting behind her and pounding away like a man at work. When you go to bed with a woman with an ass like that you must take it like a job. IT is your job to pound it good because thats why its there. I could almost hear her screaming for more as she turned around and poured the two shots. I took a drink of my beer and looked at her one more time. I grabbed one of the shots and gave it to her (I’ve often felt that being a gentleman can pay off, it never really took much. All you had to do was have some common courtesy and extend it to them as best you could.) as she reached across and brushed my hand for a moment.
“Well, what should we drink too?” she asked.
“How about new beginning’s, seeing as how i just moved back here.” I was laying it out there for her. The booze was starting to kick in and i wanted to hook her good before i got too bad.That was often the best way of action, you had to hook them into you real good before you started to get beyond control. Women were not easy to get ahold of when you were too drunk to even understand their name. If you were fortunate to get thier attention and through all the formalities before you hit that point then you were almost golden. I wanted to be golden tonight baby, i needed to start off the new adventure right and she was going to be it.
“New beginning’s sounds good to me” We put up our glasses and clicked them together as we smiled to each other. It went down well, and she even took some of my beer to chase it down. She was getting comfortable with me and i noticed it. She walked away to help to another customer. A few of them were paying attention to what was goin on and they were jealous of it all. I could see it in one of thier eyes. He had obviously had his gaze on her but not made his move for whatever reason. He looked at me with this anger and i just looked back saying to him with my gestures “Whatever mother, its too late for you now. She’s gonna be mine.” She quickly came back to talk to me.
“Pour us two more baby! This is a good reason to celebrate.”
“Yes sir!” she said as she turned around for the next round. I got another look at that ass of her’s and started to get excited. I started to undress her with my mind. I bet she’s wearing a nice lace g-string under there, i said to myself. She was just wearing a tang-top but you could see her bra straps that were on the side of it. Blue. I often liked blue bra’s for some reason. Maybe because my old ex used to wear a blue bra that i fancied. The off colour seemed to add a bit something to thier appeal. I bet she would knew what to do when i got her home too. She seemed like the kind who knew what she wanted and she wanted it good. I was going to ride her good tonight too, she knew it.
“Just give me $3 bucks for this round, the rest is on me.” I politely handed her a ten and told her to keep it. I didn’t mind paying for some ass this way. I could never pay a prostitute even though its the same thing. Whether you pay them just for the sex or you pay for their meal and drinks all night, either way your paying. “So what’s your name anyway?” she asked. I was never good with asking people their names, i guess it was because i never really cared much. I didn’t need to know your name, the conversationg was enough.
“Charlie” I said to her.
“Well I’m Christine, nice to meet you Charlie” I extended my hand to shake hers, but it was only to touch her again. I wanted to feel her skin and see if she recieved it well. She took my hand, shook it and gently rubbed her fingers across my palm.
“So what time do you close up shop here?” It was already 2:30 and i knew that they probably closed at 4am but i had to ask. It was a good question to start it going.
“Well we close at 4 but i can close it up earlier if i want. It depends how busy it is in here.” I looked around and there wasn’t that many people left. All i could see where the few sad bastards sitting at the bar and a little couple in the corner going at each other. “I can close it up early if i really wanted too.” She said.
“Get us another beer and shot will you baby”
“Sure, but how about two shots this time? I’ll buy the other two.”
“Sounds good to me” i said as i really began to like my situation. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, have that ready when i get back.” I got up and made my way to the pisser. Damn beer, i thought to myself. It always makes me piss too much. I walked into the bathroom and began to piss when one of the sad son-of-a-bitches walked in behind me.
“Listen buddy, i’ve notice what’s goin on over there. I just want to let you know that there’s this big guy who comes in once in awhile and they get all sweet on each other. I don’t know if its the best move for you to keep up with what your after.”
“I don’t give a fuck who anyone is guy. He’s not her right now is he? And you know what? If he was here, i wouldn’t give a fuck. Me and him can go outside and dance in the pale moonlight if you know what i’m saying.”
“Listen man, your new here. You don’t know who that guy is. He’s a pretty important guy around here, you don’t fuck with his women. Everybody knows this.”
“Well thanks for the heads up but i got one for you. There’s a new dog in town baby, and i dont give two fucks about who this dude thinks he is. She wants me tonight, and lord knows shes gonna get a ride from me tonight.”
“Well good luck to you then friend, just don’t forget i told you so.” I finished my piss, shaked off and went on my way. I walked back to the bar and i felt all thier jealous eyes on me, i didn’t give a shit. Tonight was my night baby, my first night back and i was gonna have a good one. I got back to my seat and situated myself just right. She was helping another customer and i got some good looks at her ass. I felt myself getting excited again, at just the thought of that ass.
“You ready for these shots there Charlie?”
“I was born ready sweetheart.” I told her as i motioned across and rubbed the back of her hand. She was mine and i knew it. We drank our shots and i ordered one more round. Again i tipped her heavy, i wanted to pretend like i was somewhat of a nice guy. I wanted her to want me even though i knew i already had her. “So what are you doing after you get out of here?” I asked waiting for the open opportunity. “I bet you have a nice good man to go home too, being the pretty lady that you are.”
“Hahahaha” she laughed as i began to smirk. “Nope, i dont have a boyfriend. I had one for a long time but he was a dick and i caught him cheating on me one night. I’m sick of all the head games that some guys play, they are too childish to tell a girl just how it is.”
“Cheating on you? Baby i would never cheat on you. If you were my woman i would never even want to go to work. All i would want to do is stay home and give it to you good. I could give it to you good too, i dont look like much but baby i can make bring the walls down.” The booze was really starting to kick in, i didn’t pay much attention to it all. I was just hoping that it was going to work.
“Could you now? I’m not so sure about that one there. How can i be sure that i wont be dissapointed? I dont like to be dissapointed you know.”
“Dissapointed? Baby i’ll ride you good. Might just be the best ride you’ve ever had. Listen, why don’t you call last call here? I’ll help you close up shop and we can head around the corner to my place. I’ve got a 5th of whiskey there. Secret stash but i’ll break it out for you. We can drink, make love, and smoke cigarettes till the sun comes up. How about it?”
“How can i know that your not gonna do something real bad to me when you get me up in your apartment all alone? I don’t need you getting all crazy on me”
“Baby the only bad things im gonna do to you, are the things your gonna thank me for in the morning. C’mon, i don’t offer to break out the secret stash for everyone you know. I like you though, you have that certain something about you.”
“Yea huh? You really think so?”
“Yea baby, its in the way you walk. You walk like your royalty. I really dig it.”
“Ok then, i’ll give you your chance. LAST CALL!!!” I watched her walk away and make the last drinks as they all shot their eyes across towards me. They knew i had her tonight and she was mine. They had all walked in the same way i did, but none of them had a chance and they knew it. They hated me but i was envious of them, in all thier misery. I wanted a piece of what they felt. Pure unwanting jealous misery, of life they wish they had and woman they wish they could ride. I ordered another round for the two of us. I started to tell myselg to slow down old chap, i needed to make sure i could get it up for her. A few more too many and i was going to become useless to her, i couldn’t have that. I wanted to give her a good ride, and fuck, i wanted to get me a good ride. They all ordered thier last drinks and sipped them slowly.
“THAT’S IT BOYS! DOWN THOSE DRINKS! THE LADY WANTS TO GET OUT OF HERE!” I started to scream at them out of impateince.
“Easy, let them have thier drinks. Its thier last ones, we will be out of here in no time.” She said to me.
“Ok baby, i’ll relax. But only for you. I’d rather get up and make them finish so we can clean up and get out of here.” I wanted to find the first dumb bastard who thought he was tough and take him out to the back alley. I was feeling good. I wanted to belt one of them real nice and let them know who was back in town. She wanted me calm though, and i didn’t want to fuck this one up so i relaxed. I sipped at my beer thinking about that beautifull ass and the 5th i had hidden in the new apartment. They all eventually began getting up one by one and left to go back to thier miserable lives. I again felt for some of them, what had they done to look so bad. I wanted to let them know that it could be alright, but i just sat there watching her. Alright old boy, your gonna get her. Make sure you do this one right. The last ones to leave was the little couple that had been sitting in the corner. The guy walked over to the bar and threw down a $20 dollar bill.
“Thank you very much.” He said to her.
“Hey buddy” I said as i turned to him.
“Yea, what’s up?” He promptly asked.
“Nothing man, I just wanted to wish you and your girl a good night. I hope you too have fun tonight.” I shook his had and pulled him in close. “Give her a good ride tonight brother, let her know you love her.” He just laughed as he shook my hand tighter. He turned, grabbed his woman by the hand and made his exit as he shot back.
“Thank you man, i hope you do the same brother. Have a good fucking night.” I just smiled and felt well for a moment there. Sometimes i liked my fellow man. Most of the time i wanted them to all die but sometimes i would be happy for them. This guy seemed worth it. He spent all night in the corner with is woman drinking and laughing. You could see they loved each other and somehow it didn’t sicken me. Maybe it was because i knew i was going to get it out later on, but i genuinely meant what i said to him. After they left i jumped over the bar and grabbed my sweet Christine. I kissed her good too, full on tounge. I could tell she liked it as she grabbed at my hips and pulled me closer. I let one hand lay across her left cheek (woman went crazy for this for some reason, if you brushed thier cheek when you kissed them good they would start to get week in the knees and i knew it) as i pushed up against her and pressed hard. I poured myself a tap beer and just smiled at her.
“Let’s get this place cleaned up and go home baby,” I told her as we both started to wipe everything down. We finished up real quick and before we left she poured us both another shot. I raised my glass and toasted to new beginnings. It went down real smooth, as she turned around to cleap up the floor. I took one more look at that ass of hers and knew i was going to fuck it into a perfect shape. An ass like that didn’t come around to a man too often and i knew it. We finished our drinks and closed the place up. I lit her cigarette before i lit mine when we got outside. We walked the half a block to my apartment as i fumbled for the keys. I opened the door for her and took a good drag from my cigerette as i said to her, “It’s a beautifull night, huh baby?”
"New Beginnings"
I had just finished moving in, and began staring around the room looking for my next move. I decided that I should start unpacking all these boxes but first i made myself a nice drink. I drank it down quickly and started on the next one. I hated moving into a new place, all that packing and unpacking. You had to rearange all your shit and realize that there was no need for even having half of it. I found one good room in the place, there was a desk set up at the window, it was a nice old one too. I figured i could set up my typewriter there. I had gotten everything in order in about no time seeing as how i didn’t have much else to do. The bottle was beginning to run low and i felt like i might as well venture out of the house on my first night there. I had seen this dive bar that was a round the corner when i was moving everything in. I drained my drink, took some of the little money i had left and went on my way.
When i opened the door i felt at home right away. The place was dark and musty, with a few old guys sitting at the bar staring down their drinks. Some men go to the bar to celebrate but the fortunate few go and sit there to forget. They want to forget their wives, girlfriends, dead end jobs, and life in its fullest. The place smelled like piss and i almost began to gag before i got used to it. I pulled up a seat and got the bartender’s attention. “I’ll take a Jameson on the rocks please.” She turned around and i got a good look at her ass, it was almost perfect the way it shifted as she walked to the end of the bar to find my bottle. As she walked back towards me i could see her in full, and wanted to get a piece of her. It had been awhile and she seemed like the perfect fit to what i needed. She had a small chest but her face made up for the things she was lacking. She seemed almost innocent, like she didnt belong in a place like this. She handed me my drink and asked for $6 dollars. The price seemed high, but she had poured me a good one. I drank it down quickly and asked for another.
I looked around the room at all the sorry son of bitches that were sitting around me. This one guy seemed as if his old woman had just left him. He just sat there looking at his drink as if it was all he had left to himself. For a moment i felt for him. Women can do horrible things to men. Good men too, they always get it the worst. I bet you he adored her every move and gave her everything he could that was in his power. That is never enough, they never like it much when you truly love them. Some rat bastard had most likely come along and treated her like shit (they always love that) , he probably fucked with her head till eventually she caved and gave into him. Now this poor guy had nothing left but that drink in front of him, at least he had that. I called the bartender over again.
“I’ll take a bottle of beer and a shot of whiskey please.” She looked at me with an awkward grin.
“I’ve never seen you before, have you ever been here before?”
“No, i just moved back into town and this is the closest bar to my place, so i figured i could get a good drink here.” Her eyes seemed to widen as i spoke and i knew that she wanted to pay attention to my words for some reason. I was the youngest guy in the place, most likely somewhere near her age. I might have also been the best looking depending on her taste. She had to have a boyfriend though, she was too good looking of a woman. That’s always the problem with the good looking ones, they are never alone too long. You have to get the good looking ones when the timing is right. Right after they have broken up with thier boyfriends and are eager for something new. I could see in her eyes that something wasn’t right though. Somehow inside she was all fucked up. “How about those drinks? And pour yourself one too while your at it.”
“Why thank you, i’m not really supposed to drink while i work but i guess i can make an exception just this once.” She said as she shot me a devishly cute smile. She turned and i took another look at her ass. Man, what an ass she had. I started to invision myself getting behind her and pounding away like a man at work. When you go to bed with a woman with an ass like that you must take it like a job. IT is your job to pound it good because thats why its there. I could almost hear her screaming for more as she turned around and poured the two shots. I took a drink of my beer and looked at her one more time. I grabbed one of the shots and gave it to her (I’ve often felt that being a gentleman can pay off, it never really took much. All you had to do was have some common courtesy and extend it to them as best you could.) as she reached across and brushed my hand for a moment.
“Well, what should we drink too?” she asked.
“How about new beginning’s, seeing as how i just moved back here.” I was laying it out there for her. The booze was starting to kick in and i wanted to hook her good before i got too bad.That was often the best way of action, you had to hook them into you real good before you started to get beyond control. Women were not easy to get ahold of when you were too drunk to even understand their name. If you were fortunate to get thier attention and through all the formalities before you hit that point then you were almost golden. I wanted to be golden tonight baby, i needed to start off the new adventure right and she was going to be it.
“New beginning’s sounds good to me” We put up our glasses and clicked them together as we smiled to each other. It went down well, and she even took some of my beer to chase it down. She was getting comfortable with me and i noticed it. She walked away to help to another customer. A few of them were paying attention to what was goin on and they were jealous of it all. I could see it in one of thier eyes. He had obviously had his gaze on her but not made his move for whatever reason. He looked at me with this anger and i just looked back saying to him with my gestures “Whatever mother, its too late for you now. She’s gonna be mine.” She quickly came back to talk to me.
“Pour us two more baby! This is a good reason to celebrate.”
“Yes sir!” she said as she turned around for the next round. I got another look at that ass of her’s and started to get excited. I started to undress her with my mind. I bet she’s wearing a nice lace g-string under there, i said to myself. She was just wearing a tang-top but you could see her bra straps that were on the side of it. Blue. I often liked blue bra’s for some reason. Maybe because my old ex used to wear a blue bra that i fancied. The off colour seemed to add a bit something to thier appeal. I bet she would knew what to do when i got her home too. She seemed like the kind who knew what she wanted and she wanted it good. I was going to ride her good tonight too, she knew it.
“Just give me $3 bucks for this round, the rest is on me.” I politely handed her a ten and told her to keep it. I didn’t mind paying for some ass this way. I could never pay a prostitute even though its the same thing. Whether you pay them just for the sex or you pay for their meal and drinks all night, either way your paying. “So what’s your name anyway?” she asked. I was never good with asking people their names, i guess it was because i never really cared much. I didn’t need to know your name, the conversationg was enough.
“Charlie” I said to her.
“Well I’m Christine, nice to meet you Charlie” I extended my hand to shake hers, but it was only to touch her again. I wanted to feel her skin and see if she recieved it well. She took my hand, shook it and gently rubbed her fingers across my palm.
“So what time do you close up shop here?” It was already 2:30 and i knew that they probably closed at 4am but i had to ask. It was a good question to start it going.
“Well we close at 4 but i can close it up earlier if i want. It depends how busy it is in here.” I looked around and there wasn’t that many people left. All i could see where the few sad bastards sitting at the bar and a little couple in the corner going at each other. “I can close it up early if i really wanted too.” She said.
“Get us another beer and shot will you baby”
“Sure, but how about two shots this time? I’ll buy the other two.”
“Sounds good to me” i said as i really began to like my situation. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, have that ready when i get back.” I got up and made my way to the pisser. Damn beer, i thought to myself. It always makes me piss too much. I walked into the bathroom and began to piss when one of the sad son-of-a-bitches walked in behind me.
“Listen buddy, i’ve notice what’s goin on over there. I just want to let you know that there’s this big guy who comes in once in awhile and they get all sweet on each other. I don’t know if its the best move for you to keep up with what your after.”
“I don’t give a fuck who anyone is guy. He’s not her right now is he? And you know what? If he was here, i wouldn’t give a fuck. Me and him can go outside and dance in the pale moonlight if you know what i’m saying.”
“Listen man, your new here. You don’t know who that guy is. He’s a pretty important guy around here, you don’t fuck with his women. Everybody knows this.”
“Well thanks for the heads up but i got one for you. There’s a new dog in town baby, and i dont give two fucks about who this dude thinks he is. She wants me tonight, and lord knows shes gonna get a ride from me tonight.”
“Well good luck to you then friend, just don’t forget i told you so.” I finished my piss, shaked off and went on my way. I walked back to the bar and i felt all thier jealous eyes on me, i didn’t give a shit. Tonight was my night baby, my first night back and i was gonna have a good one. I got back to my seat and situated myself just right. She was helping another customer and i got some good looks at her ass. I felt myself getting excited again, at just the thought of that ass.
“You ready for these shots there Charlie?”
“I was born ready sweetheart.” I told her as i motioned across and rubbed the back of her hand. She was mine and i knew it. We drank our shots and i ordered one more round. Again i tipped her heavy, i wanted to pretend like i was somewhat of a nice guy. I wanted her to want me even though i knew i already had her. “So what are you doing after you get out of here?” I asked waiting for the open opportunity. “I bet you have a nice good man to go home too, being the pretty lady that you are.”
“Hahahaha” she laughed as i began to smirk. “Nope, i dont have a boyfriend. I had one for a long time but he was a dick and i caught him cheating on me one night. I’m sick of all the head games that some guys play, they are too childish to tell a girl just how it is.”
“Cheating on you? Baby i would never cheat on you. If you were my woman i would never even want to go to work. All i would want to do is stay home and give it to you good. I could give it to you good too, i dont look like much but baby i can make bring the walls down.” The booze was really starting to kick in, i didn’t pay much attention to it all. I was just hoping that it was going to work.
“Could you now? I’m not so sure about that one there. How can i be sure that i wont be dissapointed? I dont like to be dissapointed you know.”
“Dissapointed? Baby i’ll ride you good. Might just be the best ride you’ve ever had. Listen, why don’t you call last call here? I’ll help you close up shop and we can head around the corner to my place. I’ve got a 5th of whiskey there. Secret stash but i’ll break it out for you. We can drink, make love, and smoke cigarettes till the sun comes up. How about it?”
“How can i know that your not gonna do something real bad to me when you get me up in your apartment all alone? I don’t need you getting all crazy on me”
“Baby the only bad things im gonna do to you, are the things your gonna thank me for in the morning. C’mon, i don’t offer to break out the secret stash for everyone you know. I like you though, you have that certain something about you.”
“Yea huh? You really think so?”
“Yea baby, its in the way you walk. You walk like your royalty. I really dig it.”
“Ok then, i’ll give you your chance. LAST CALL!!!” I watched her walk away and make the last drinks as they all shot their eyes across towards me. They knew i had her tonight and she was mine. They had all walked in the same way i did, but none of them had a chance and they knew it. They hated me but i was envious of them, in all thier misery. I wanted a piece of what they felt. Pure unwanting jealous misery, of life they wish they had and woman they wish they could ride. I ordered another round for the two of us. I started to tell myselg to slow down old chap, i needed to make sure i could get it up for her. A few more too many and i was going to become useless to her, i couldn’t have that. I wanted to give her a good ride, and fuck, i wanted to get me a good ride. They all ordered thier last drinks and sipped them slowly.
“THAT’S IT BOYS! DOWN THOSE DRINKS! THE LADY WANTS TO GET OUT OF HERE!” I started to scream at them out of impateince.
“Easy, let them have thier drinks. Its thier last ones, we will be out of here in no time.” She said to me.
“Ok baby, i’ll relax. But only for you. I’d rather get up and make them finish so we can clean up and get out of here.” I wanted to find the first dumb bastard who thought he was tough and take him out to the back alley. I was feeling good. I wanted to belt one of them real nice and let them know who was back in town. She wanted me calm though, and i didn’t want to fuck this one up so i relaxed. I sipped at my beer thinking about that beautifull ass and the 5th i had hidden in the new apartment. They all eventually began getting up one by one and left to go back to thier miserable lives. I again felt for some of them, what had they done to look so bad. I wanted to let them know that it could be alright, but i just sat there watching her. Alright old boy, your gonna get her. Make sure you do this one right. The last ones to leave was the little couple that had been sitting in the corner. The guy walked over to the bar and threw down a $20 dollar bill.
“Thank you very much.” He said to her.
“Hey buddy” I said as i turned to him.
“Yea, what’s up?” He promptly asked.
“Nothing man, I just wanted to wish you and your girl a good night. I hope you too have fun tonight.” I shook his had and pulled him in close. “Give her a good ride tonight brother, let her know you love her.” He just laughed as he shook my hand tighter. He turned, grabbed his woman by the hand and made his exit as he shot back.
“Thank you man, i hope you do the same brother. Have a good fucking night.” I just smiled and felt well for a moment there. Sometimes i liked my fellow man. Most of the time i wanted them to all die but sometimes i would be happy for them. This guy seemed worth it. He spent all night in the corner with is woman drinking and laughing. You could see they loved each other and somehow it didn’t sicken me. Maybe it was because i knew i was going to get it out later on, but i genuinely meant what i said to him. After they left i jumped over the bar and grabbed my sweet Christine. I kissed her good too, full on tounge. I could tell she liked it as she grabbed at my hips and pulled me closer. I let one hand lay across her left cheek (woman went crazy for this for some reason, if you brushed thier cheek when you kissed them good they would start to get week in the knees and i knew it) as i pushed up against her and pressed hard. I poured myself a tap beer and just smiled at her.
“Let’s get this place cleaned up and go home baby,” I told her as we both started to wipe everything down. We finished up real quick and before we left she poured us both another shot. I raised my glass and toasted to new beginnings. It went down real smooth, as she turned around to cleap up the floor. I took one more look at that ass of hers and knew i was going to fuck it into a perfect shape. An ass like that didn’t come around to a man too often and i knew it. We finished our drinks and closed the place up. I lit her cigarette before i lit mine when we got outside. We walked the half a block to my apartment as i fumbled for the keys. I opened the door for her and took a good drag from my cigerette as i said to her, “It’s a beautifull night, huh baby?”
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Started a new job this week, it might turn out to be extremely profitable.. one year at it and i might be able to buy a house in Jaco... ok maybe a year and a half but either way im gonna try and stick with it.. shit, im going to be getting paid for hitting on real hot women.. life might be real good, then again this might not even work out and ill be bak to the drawing board, who knows but i do know that im actually try to keep a positive outlook on it all, odd i know but i gotta get something going here.. im too miserable lately... either way, ill keep everything posted.. maybe ill leave a long post tomorrow nite.. i just dont fel like writing anything at all right now....
Saturday, December 13, 2003
[Other Voices] i Live with
Desertion - and Eight Million
People.
More often then not, you feel alone and hungry for
something with substance. Whats the point of
talking to people who will never relate?
What Cure Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Friday, December 05, 2003
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
my cigerette is burning
while my throat is closing
one more hit from this drink
ill force it to open up
amidst fairness and despair
clinging to fidelity thats gone wasted
despair thats seeminglessy unnoticed
mixed signals
and i cant find the smoke
so much passion to be aquainted with
more then that
would be neat
your words speak so many lies
in jest
in fun
in time
you will come to see
temperance for me
for everything that could be
another wasted night
i guess i was never able to seal the deal
beaten out by a lesser man
taken for granted
in the grand scheme
of foolish choices
you made one important one
dont you wish this was about you?
if you know who you were
its a shame
you cant really comprehend
something more then colored bracelets...
----*-
ive been wondering if i have an angel. not one in the sense of like "jesus" angel but like an angel thats going to come and make it all right. I often wonder what my next love interest in life is doing, considering i dont know her yet, well maybe i do but if i do its most likely a matter of getting her to warm up to the thought of what possibilites i hold for her.. as gay as it sounds ive downgraded from marlboro reds to lights the other day.. it wa just getting to be too much, it upset me but im over it now. I also dont understand how someone could toy with your emotions and think its all a big joke.. are they just ignorant to the fact that you have this deep down desire that they know about, and want to exploit it so they can get an ego boost... or are they coming around ? sos many questions to ask, with no answers in sight... i hate rich people too, they need to share... im not whining, just saying.. ill be a habit, ill be anything... you dont even have to spare the mercy, ill take it all... please, please me like you want too...
*-*-
up to moment post here people.... im sick and fucking tired of wanting someone who doesnt want me back... im sick and fucking tired of being the "teddy bear". and what i mean by that is this... im such a wonderful guy to love n trust n cudle n make nice with but when it comesfor showtime well the curtain just doesnt want to seem to work... im fucking sick of it, im sick of thinking i need to find a woman cuz i have so many that want me but every fucking one i seem to want refuses to want me... what? whjat? what? im perfect as a "mate" but as something more my worth diminishes?? all you fucking bichtes are crazy.. i swear it. im done wit h it all.. im giving up, im just going to start sleeping with every lil whore that wants it. im going to become a emotional vampyre and prey oin thier feelings cuz well if i cant get the ones i want then what the hell is the damn point of caring.... too bad this is just the writer talking and ill never be able to do that.. im stuck waiting for the impossible to happen...
-- hang up the phone
close the casket
join me....
i remember one night
mistletoe and funny music
alcohol fueled
a piece of me was born that night
ive been dying ever since
dying to obtain..
dying like you
ive seen you die
you said you hate my suffering
you understood and agreed
to take care of me
and me of you
but it was all lies
im nothing more then comfort
in a world of hurt
too bad im like a light coat
on a hard winters night
just not enough
for a princess in need
of it all
deserving?
thats something i guess im not...
while my throat is closing
one more hit from this drink
ill force it to open up
amidst fairness and despair
clinging to fidelity thats gone wasted
despair thats seeminglessy unnoticed
mixed signals
and i cant find the smoke
so much passion to be aquainted with
more then that
would be neat
your words speak so many lies
in jest
in fun
in time
you will come to see
temperance for me
for everything that could be
another wasted night
i guess i was never able to seal the deal
beaten out by a lesser man
taken for granted
in the grand scheme
of foolish choices
you made one important one
dont you wish this was about you?
if you know who you were
its a shame
you cant really comprehend
something more then colored bracelets...
----*-
ive been wondering if i have an angel. not one in the sense of like "jesus" angel but like an angel thats going to come and make it all right. I often wonder what my next love interest in life is doing, considering i dont know her yet, well maybe i do but if i do its most likely a matter of getting her to warm up to the thought of what possibilites i hold for her.. as gay as it sounds ive downgraded from marlboro reds to lights the other day.. it wa just getting to be too much, it upset me but im over it now. I also dont understand how someone could toy with your emotions and think its all a big joke.. are they just ignorant to the fact that you have this deep down desire that they know about, and want to exploit it so they can get an ego boost... or are they coming around ? sos many questions to ask, with no answers in sight... i hate rich people too, they need to share... im not whining, just saying.. ill be a habit, ill be anything... you dont even have to spare the mercy, ill take it all... please, please me like you want too...
*-*-
up to moment post here people.... im sick and fucking tired of wanting someone who doesnt want me back... im sick and fucking tired of being the "teddy bear". and what i mean by that is this... im such a wonderful guy to love n trust n cudle n make nice with but when it comesfor showtime well the curtain just doesnt want to seem to work... im fucking sick of it, im sick of thinking i need to find a woman cuz i have so many that want me but every fucking one i seem to want refuses to want me... what? whjat? what? im perfect as a "mate" but as something more my worth diminishes?? all you fucking bichtes are crazy.. i swear it. im done wit h it all.. im giving up, im just going to start sleeping with every lil whore that wants it. im going to become a emotional vampyre and prey oin thier feelings cuz well if i cant get the ones i want then what the hell is the damn point of caring.... too bad this is just the writer talking and ill never be able to do that.. im stuck waiting for the impossible to happen...
-- hang up the phone
close the casket
join me....
i remember one night
mistletoe and funny music
alcohol fueled
a piece of me was born that night
ive been dying ever since
dying to obtain..
dying like you
ive seen you die
you said you hate my suffering
you understood and agreed
to take care of me
and me of you
but it was all lies
im nothing more then comfort
in a world of hurt
too bad im like a light coat
on a hard winters night
just not enough
for a princess in need
of it all
deserving?
thats something i guess im not...
Monday, December 01, 2003
been busy, not much to say but some serious things have transpired... i dont feel like speaking on the behalf of it though, i feel like drinking more and going to sleep... what i do have to say is that the cure is the greatest band ever.. dont talk to me... that and people are fucking shady man, i mean shit, i know sometimes i can be a shady individual but other people are just plain out retarted, and when i say this i mean women primarily.... things need to change and they need to change.. but what exactly is the catalyst going to be? i could think of a few but im past all that now and my chances are down the drain.... i am none of these things...
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
the day or night lags on with the moon transfixing on the lonely who lay in their bed hiding under the covers from the translucent affixiation they deny themselves. The nusiance comes from integrity which lies in the self loathing that is hidden behind the bottle. THe first watch would scare me, the second watch is always better because you know everything is ok, the smell of the left path grows disgustingly horrid. Can you feel the air? I need a hit from my drink, i take one as you stare intently trying to figure out what could possibly make me tick. I asked "so whats your ambition?" i only ask because mine is so meaningless. I strive to make enough money to live on a poor island in a poor country with just a cocktail in hadn and the beach at my feet. ahh the beach in Jaco... the life in Jaco.. god how i miss costa rica.. i wish someone understood it all.. theres one person who does and he doesnt read this.. actually im gonna make acall to talk about it... Jaco.. "Its all about Jaco now, you couldnt copy my styale, 5 bottles of Guaro couldnt drop me, i drank them and smayle...
its the first day of my second life....
soemtimes emotions run odd flavored... whe u think you should be real infuriated your nothing but happy... pictures repay eyes as they glaze... a stones throw away from love and a love that a stone outweighs.. i talk nonsense because i live nonsesne.. i live in a dreary world where the ray of hope only shines in sometimes and when it does its o so fucking faint, and after it shines in, well it suddenly goes out of focus. i dont know what to say really, i have this dream... its such a dream that its only for a dreamer like me.. i'd walk the world for the rest of my life to have it for one day more, just one day more.. i really would start walking tomorrow and never stop except for sleep if i coud have the dream fufulled for just one day. I know its far out of sight but its so close sometimes.
"how long would you wait for me to come around?"
"i'd wait until the end of my days"
magnifecent ponderous lucid life that i thought i could have, with everything ive ever wanted. 2 dogs a white picket fence, and a house with a writing room hidden deep in the attic. im willi ng to walk slow for the forgiveness that i must give and not recieve. Its coming close to the end and is it too late? nobody will ever wait for me. a noose hangs in my garage, and i stare at it every day. it speaks to me about this and that, about what ive lost and what ive won, hwo many times must i die for you? let them know, im walking too slow... the air up there is supposed to be nice, im gonna write a book so i never forget, what it was, i wrecked.....
its the first day of my second life....
soemtimes emotions run odd flavored... whe u think you should be real infuriated your nothing but happy... pictures repay eyes as they glaze... a stones throw away from love and a love that a stone outweighs.. i talk nonsense because i live nonsesne.. i live in a dreary world where the ray of hope only shines in sometimes and when it does its o so fucking faint, and after it shines in, well it suddenly goes out of focus. i dont know what to say really, i have this dream... its such a dream that its only for a dreamer like me.. i'd walk the world for the rest of my life to have it for one day more, just one day more.. i really would start walking tomorrow and never stop except for sleep if i coud have the dream fufulled for just one day. I know its far out of sight but its so close sometimes.
"how long would you wait for me to come around?"
"i'd wait until the end of my days"
magnifecent ponderous lucid life that i thought i could have, with everything ive ever wanted. 2 dogs a white picket fence, and a house with a writing room hidden deep in the attic. im willi ng to walk slow for the forgiveness that i must give and not recieve. Its coming close to the end and is it too late? nobody will ever wait for me. a noose hangs in my garage, and i stare at it every day. it speaks to me about this and that, about what ive lost and what ive won, hwo many times must i die for you? let them know, im walking too slow... the air up there is supposed to be nice, im gonna write a book so i never forget, what it was, i wrecked.....
Sunday, November 23, 2003
not a long post but a few things to get off the chest... first there was a massive blow to the ego today but ill bounce back so dont worry..secondly, i hate rich people because im not rich.. i wish i was so i could just move to costa rica n write.. ive been thinkign about Jaco beach Costa Rica more and more these days.. i really wanna go back seeing how it was the best time of my life, i kinda need to be there.. i just need to crack down n completely kill my social life.. im just too scared to do it, if i could make enough money i would just fucking go.. thats where i want to be, so desperately... maybe i should just make the sacrafices n do it.. i think i might...
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
im drunk and this hit home for the moment.. if u think you know why then die cuz your wrong... wrong.. wrong..
i don't think i'm any closer now
than i was at fifteen
i still don't know what i really want
or how i really feel
sometimes i think i've seen too much
sometimes nothing at all
and sometimes i think i just forgot
what i was looking for
but i still need to believe in you
i still need to know you'll never
never give up
i believe in you...
so how can you ever let
my hope turn to despair?
how can you ever stop
telling me you care?
but i still need to believe in you
i still need to know you'll never
never give up
i believe in you...
so how can you ever let
my hope turn to despair?
tell me you believe it too
tell me that you care
how can you ever let
my hope turn to despair?
how can you ever stop
pretending?
--The cure
i don't think i'm any closer now
than i was at fifteen
i still don't know what i really want
or how i really feel
sometimes i think i've seen too much
sometimes nothing at all
and sometimes i think i just forgot
what i was looking for
but i still need to believe in you
i still need to know you'll never
never give up
i believe in you...
so how can you ever let
my hope turn to despair?
how can you ever stop
telling me you care?
but i still need to believe in you
i still need to know you'll never
never give up
i believe in you...
so how can you ever let
my hope turn to despair?
tell me you believe it too
tell me that you care
how can you ever let
my hope turn to despair?
how can you ever stop
pretending?
--The cure
have you ever wanted to fashion a noose? right now i do.. im not the most peppy person in the world but usually im ok with things.. tonight in all honesty i wish someone would shoot me in the face... i want to die.. and i have only one other person to thank save myself... i could have been the best man, i could have given it my all... but i came up short... always coming up short... you know man, its not like i was bad, its not like this EVEN FUCKING MATTERS!!! i wrecked it all man, long ago i wrecked it all.. die mr. cruz die..
---
Its been awhile
the king is still here
the thron empty baron and plain
alone
the queen has run off
with lancelot
and im vomiting
this the kids looking on
who am i?
a king with a broken kingdom
it falls apart in the atmosphere
id trade everything for one more try
at perfection
with those beautifull
bee wings
and cheasy 70s suit i wore
i was the real king then
i was everything
you ever wanted
you ever dreamed
till i let it go
i will tell you i am fine
i got some news friend
feels like im dying
and you dont have the cure
its too far away
and too expensive for my taste
so ill suffer
like a good king should
a king of shit with a kingdom
thats so far out of reach
so i our this whiskey
and beg for something more
something more
that only she could give
im fashioning this noose
made out of paper and glue
i hope it holds up
ive found the perfect spot
this radio keeps playing love songs
you dont get those
do you?
its time to say good-nite
time to say good-bye
the new guy can hold you tight
pressing up against you
as the sun slowly rises
looking at you
imaging how god could ever
create such a creature
this is tearing me in two
i want to be five as i feel it all
tear me into something new
im standing by
she said she'd love like you
she said she'd be everything
i was missing
but theres only one queen isnt there
one queen to rule the kingdom
next to one king
the king of shit lives again
tonight his reign becomes symbolic
it become real
for us
for me
for you
for the truth
in it all
this king seemingly wil never die
i am him
he is me
the king of shit
with a queen who so
eloquently had run away....
---
if i had a toaster and a bath tub i would be set tonight...
---
Its been awhile
the king is still here
the thron empty baron and plain
alone
the queen has run off
with lancelot
and im vomiting
this the kids looking on
who am i?
a king with a broken kingdom
it falls apart in the atmosphere
id trade everything for one more try
at perfection
with those beautifull
bee wings
and cheasy 70s suit i wore
i was the real king then
i was everything
you ever wanted
you ever dreamed
till i let it go
i will tell you i am fine
i got some news friend
feels like im dying
and you dont have the cure
its too far away
and too expensive for my taste
so ill suffer
like a good king should
a king of shit with a kingdom
thats so far out of reach
so i our this whiskey
and beg for something more
something more
that only she could give
im fashioning this noose
made out of paper and glue
i hope it holds up
ive found the perfect spot
this radio keeps playing love songs
you dont get those
do you?
its time to say good-nite
time to say good-bye
the new guy can hold you tight
pressing up against you
as the sun slowly rises
looking at you
imaging how god could ever
create such a creature
this is tearing me in two
i want to be five as i feel it all
tear me into something new
im standing by
she said she'd love like you
she said she'd be everything
i was missing
but theres only one queen isnt there
one queen to rule the kingdom
next to one king
the king of shit lives again
tonight his reign becomes symbolic
it become real
for us
for me
for you
for the truth
in it all
this king seemingly wil never die
i am him
he is me
the king of shit
with a queen who so
eloquently had run away....
---
if i had a toaster and a bath tub i would be set tonight...
This air is getting empty
Silence before the screams
Bellowing from the soul
I can no longer seem to find
I think i sold it
For one more chance
a chance i still havn't recieved
----
Fighting these tears back
She said "i dreamed of your reflection"
perfect consiquence
immovable spaces
dripping with sarcasim
i begged for some more
youve done the wrong
i was destined for wrong
i have no more confessions
except ive been dreaming of things
i learned not to expect
days become numbered
thoughts fall remembered
drops seem courageous
im waiting here...
---
Im not sure what to write anymore... its like the poem just doesnt seem to want to come to me.. i sit here but im disgustingly uncomfortable... i start staring at things and thinking of days i could have had and things i could have done.. the past is a like a bastard step child you dont want to know.... Ever lay there in the dead of the night when your trying to sleep and have nothing else to think about except the past? the other nite i came home from the bar at like 8pm and passed out to wake up at 11pm and them i just layed there watching t.v till like 5am when i turned out the light and proceeded to lay in the dark with my thoughts for hours... i even believe i seen it start to get light again.. what i was thinking about ill leave to me but it wasnt anything good... well it was. it was the good times ive had that turned to shit... everything seems to turn to shit lately
Silence before the screams
Bellowing from the soul
I can no longer seem to find
I think i sold it
For one more chance
a chance i still havn't recieved
----
Fighting these tears back
She said "i dreamed of your reflection"
perfect consiquence
immovable spaces
dripping with sarcasim
i begged for some more
youve done the wrong
i was destined for wrong
i have no more confessions
except ive been dreaming of things
i learned not to expect
days become numbered
thoughts fall remembered
drops seem courageous
im waiting here...
---
Im not sure what to write anymore... its like the poem just doesnt seem to want to come to me.. i sit here but im disgustingly uncomfortable... i start staring at things and thinking of days i could have had and things i could have done.. the past is a like a bastard step child you dont want to know.... Ever lay there in the dead of the night when your trying to sleep and have nothing else to think about except the past? the other nite i came home from the bar at like 8pm and passed out to wake up at 11pm and them i just layed there watching t.v till like 5am when i turned out the light and proceeded to lay in the dark with my thoughts for hours... i even believe i seen it start to get light again.. what i was thinking about ill leave to me but it wasnt anything good... well it was. it was the good times ive had that turned to shit... everything seems to turn to shit lately
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Why o fucking why... Not like i havnt been thinking about it but now apparently i havnt been the only one. Too bad you think blue and i think red... what a messed up world we live in people, truly screwed up. Im going to work now, to a job i really hate. At my resteraunt we attract the lowly of the low pole smoking scumbags. These people often think two dollars is a good tip. Ha! I had this guy the other nite who wanted chicken nachos and i somehow messed up n he wound up getting regular nachos. Most people would say no big deal, in fact he, his wife and his fat little kid cleaned the god-damned plate and then complained! Not only did they complain but he finagled his way to having the manager take it off the bill, not to mention i had to take off his fat kids food even tho her butterball lil ass ate half of it until she decided to say she didnt like it. So now thats about at least 10 buks taken off you bill, and you have the nerve to leave me $2!!! fucking bastards, i swear i need a new job, i can stay in the resteraunt business but i have to go to a real deal resteraunt and not a bull shit place like i am now... I made the resume by the way, posted it on a site and going to start sending it out to a bunch of places tonight... hopefully something will come up.. only problem is i dont wanna any sort of job i will get from it all.. i just wanna write and maybe do some modeling if they would let me... everyone sucks... die
This air is getting empty
Silence before the screams
Bellowing from the soul
I can no longer seem to find
I think i sold it
For one more chance
a chance i still havn't recieved
----
Fighting these tears back
She said "i dreamed of your reflection"
perfect consiquence
immovable spaces
dripping with sarcasim
i begged for some more
youve done the wrong
i was destined for wrong
i have no more confessions
except ive been dreaming of things
i learned not to expect
days become numbered
thoughts fall remembered
drops seem courageous
im waiting here...
---
Im not sure what to write anymore... its like the poem just doesnt seem to want to come to me.. i sit here but im disgustingly uncomfortable... i start staring at things and thinking of days i could have had and things i could have done.. the past is a like a bastard step child you dont want to know.... Ever lay there in the dead of the night when your trying to sleep and have nothing else to think about except the past? the other nite i came home from the bar at like 8pm and passed out to wake up at 11pm and them i just layed there watching t.v till like 5am when i turned out the light and proceeded to lay in the dark with my thoughts for hours... i even believe i seen it start to get light again.. what i was thinking about ill leave to me but it wasnt anything good... well it was. it was the good times ive had that turned to shit... everything seems to turn to shit lately, maybe i should be more optimistic.. but what for? really.. ive been dealt a tuff hand and so far up until now i havnt really played it very well... i gotta do something drastic tho, i know it.. i actually feel it coming on... not sure what the hell its gonna be but something is gonna happen in the next few months... thats about the only thing i have faith in right now.. its coming... what it is though im really afraid to think.. something is gonna make or brake me... what i really need is to get out of my house and be able to not work for like a month or two so i can lock the windows and the doors and just write and write.. i kinda wanna live like kerouac did for awhile.. just travelling around with not much to do except live life to the fullest.. i often think im depressed and wanna jump in the noose but shit theres so much someone could live for.. life can really be a grand thing.. the only problem is that it involves money.. u need that paper to do fucking anything.. if only my grandparents could hit the lotto... that would be sweet.. im working on something right now to make alot of money and if things work out properly, i should have a shitload in like 2 months or so... give or take a couple of big upsets...i think that this time its gonna work out well as long as i follow the plan..the plan, the plan.. if i followed a plan bak when i should be in costa rica living it up with the wife right now.. but obviously that didnt work out.. i was thinking about costa rica tonight... even looked at some pictures.. man i miss that place.. you know i remember one morning there, and it was the greatest morning in my entire life.. im not going to go into why right now but this is how it went... i woke up half drunk and all of a sudden i wanted to live.. i have never woken up in the morning feeling like that.. i took a deep breath, walked to the front of my hotel and looked out into the beach.. i ordered a beer and for breakfast and just smiled.. all day i smiled.. i wanted to live for once, i wanted to see what magnificent thing tomorrow could bring, i wanted to be everything and feel and live and cry and scream and smile and be happy... i felt happy.. words cant even express how i felt that one morning.. my boy oak can tell u tho, seeing as he was the only one to witness it... i was in pure heaven... ha, it sounds so cliche but i was "high on life"... man i miss that.. i wonder if ill ever have that again.. maybe if i ever make it back there... one day, ha and one day ill run away to a diff. country with a beatifull woman (something im attempting to do now but i dont have any money) .... ahh darkenss or light? how about another beer for now...
Silence before the screams
Bellowing from the soul
I can no longer seem to find
I think i sold it
For one more chance
a chance i still havn't recieved
----
Fighting these tears back
She said "i dreamed of your reflection"
perfect consiquence
immovable spaces
dripping with sarcasim
i begged for some more
youve done the wrong
i was destined for wrong
i have no more confessions
except ive been dreaming of things
i learned not to expect
days become numbered
thoughts fall remembered
drops seem courageous
im waiting here...
---
Im not sure what to write anymore... its like the poem just doesnt seem to want to come to me.. i sit here but im disgustingly uncomfortable... i start staring at things and thinking of days i could have had and things i could have done.. the past is a like a bastard step child you dont want to know.... Ever lay there in the dead of the night when your trying to sleep and have nothing else to think about except the past? the other nite i came home from the bar at like 8pm and passed out to wake up at 11pm and them i just layed there watching t.v till like 5am when i turned out the light and proceeded to lay in the dark with my thoughts for hours... i even believe i seen it start to get light again.. what i was thinking about ill leave to me but it wasnt anything good... well it was. it was the good times ive had that turned to shit... everything seems to turn to shit lately, maybe i should be more optimistic.. but what for? really.. ive been dealt a tuff hand and so far up until now i havnt really played it very well... i gotta do something drastic tho, i know it.. i actually feel it coming on... not sure what the hell its gonna be but something is gonna happen in the next few months... thats about the only thing i have faith in right now.. its coming... what it is though im really afraid to think.. something is gonna make or brake me... what i really need is to get out of my house and be able to not work for like a month or two so i can lock the windows and the doors and just write and write.. i kinda wanna live like kerouac did for awhile.. just travelling around with not much to do except live life to the fullest.. i often think im depressed and wanna jump in the noose but shit theres so much someone could live for.. life can really be a grand thing.. the only problem is that it involves money.. u need that paper to do fucking anything.. if only my grandparents could hit the lotto... that would be sweet.. im working on something right now to make alot of money and if things work out properly, i should have a shitload in like 2 months or so... give or take a couple of big upsets...i think that this time its gonna work out well as long as i follow the plan..the plan, the plan.. if i followed a plan bak when i should be in costa rica living it up with the wife right now.. but obviously that didnt work out.. i was thinking about costa rica tonight... even looked at some pictures.. man i miss that place.. you know i remember one morning there, and it was the greatest morning in my entire life.. im not going to go into why right now but this is how it went... i woke up half drunk and all of a sudden i wanted to live.. i have never woken up in the morning feeling like that.. i took a deep breath, walked to the front of my hotel and looked out into the beach.. i ordered a beer and for breakfast and just smiled.. all day i smiled.. i wanted to live for once, i wanted to see what magnificent thing tomorrow could bring, i wanted to be everything and feel and live and cry and scream and smile and be happy... i felt happy.. words cant even express how i felt that one morning.. my boy oak can tell u tho, seeing as he was the only one to witness it... i was in pure heaven... ha, it sounds so cliche but i was "high on life"... man i miss that.. i wonder if ill ever have that again.. maybe if i ever make it back there... one day, ha and one day ill run away to a diff. country with a beatifull woman (something im attempting to do now but i dont have any money) .... ahh darkenss or light? how about another beer for now...
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Havn't really felt like saying much these past few days, sorry. I think it may have been for the best tho.. During this time tho this has been drumming thru my head... Still is actually..
"Perfecting Lonliness"
I'm a long list with no time.
Sunset panic on the street,
sugar and lightbulbs,
the milk of kindness is behind us now.
With all those stones in your coat,
did you think I wouldn't know?
The teat leaves of trashed streets,
dirty needlesand sweets.
Zero to heaven in seven,
a lifetime,
a nanosecond.
All the sand in your glass
is going by so fast.
The radio is playing our tune.
I love it, could you turn it down?
The thought of you crying in my room;
I miss you, could you come around
sometime?
When the night comes down,
the world becomes a room
under the microscope
with a labcoat and glue.
I'm fixing this hole
with everything I knew.
The music is making my head split.
I love it, could you turn it off?
The thought of you is tearing me in two.
I miss you, could you come around
sometime?
Sometime?
This list is what went right;
your name is written twice.
We live like astronauts
and our missions never cross.
The stakes are high,
we're standing by.
There used to be a hundred ways to put my arms around you;
Everyone one seemed new,
natural and true,
perfecting lonliness
'til nothing's holding us.
Consider Earth:
we could be the first.
---Jets to brazil
"Perfecting Lonliness"
I'm a long list with no time.
Sunset panic on the street,
sugar and lightbulbs,
the milk of kindness is behind us now.
With all those stones in your coat,
did you think I wouldn't know?
The teat leaves of trashed streets,
dirty needlesand sweets.
Zero to heaven in seven,
a lifetime,
a nanosecond.
All the sand in your glass
is going by so fast.
The radio is playing our tune.
I love it, could you turn it down?
The thought of you crying in my room;
I miss you, could you come around
sometime?
When the night comes down,
the world becomes a room
under the microscope
with a labcoat and glue.
I'm fixing this hole
with everything I knew.
The music is making my head split.
I love it, could you turn it off?
The thought of you is tearing me in two.
I miss you, could you come around
sometime?
Sometime?
This list is what went right;
your name is written twice.
We live like astronauts
and our missions never cross.
The stakes are high,
we're standing by.
There used to be a hundred ways to put my arms around you;
Everyone one seemed new,
natural and true,
perfecting lonliness
'til nothing's holding us.
Consider Earth:
we could be the first.
---Jets to brazil
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