Embers

This was the
well
you know what it was
it was

i know
forgot me nots
became forgot me nows

but i still feel inside
i still feel within

was it good?
was it fine?

The secret is out

His hands caressed the skin
that I covet
that I thought would always
be
just
for me

Foolish idiot

I was...

Cross my heart
and lie to me
Even if you promise to me
I'll let you
let
me
down...

There's no
Jesus fucking christ
there's no coming
back
like a black door
slammed shut
with a love
that is now
a destruction
on a home
that can no longer
be built
I follow the words
I follow the love

these penny papers
keep reporting
on nothing I care to see
All i want to know
is beyond me

These hands are red from
my own guilt
and I can't wash them off
without help
but you sit idle by
watching me in the park sinks
like a savage
scrubbing
and crying
and scrubbing

I keep at them
until blood
becomes the red
and the thoughts
disappear
into something
i can use
to sleep at night
but there's never
any real
sleep
I think about
The entering our life
and How i didn't take
enough pieces
cause
if
i did

you would still be looking to get
them back

but instead you're
looking at new dudes
new puzzle pieces
because mine didn't
fit

god

I wanted them to fit more
than anything I've

like the sun staying out forever
like the moon kissing me from afar

I wanted those pieces to fit

and now you wont bend
you wont hold down
a corner
just to make
it
fit

There's enough of time to reconstruct
to forget

all of this being a tragedy

So i'm left with not
much
of any sort of recourse
nothing
nothing
think about it
inside your skull

you have no chance
I know you know this
and I'm talking
to
my
sad
sad
self

So what

what do i do?

sit around and wait for
another chance?
you're beating it
into my skull
with a dull hammer
that there's no pieces
i can find
none I can just hope
to fit into
what would give
me that second

third

chance...

Tonight, i watch as all
of these dreams
fall to the
wayside

hello cliffside

hello end of the road

this is My dream

take is as you wish and

make sure she sees as it dies

curdles like its been out in the son

too long

Our promises have fallen

on deaf
ears..

don't forget,
you asked for
this....

I wanted to be your

MAN

forever and ever

with an extra ember...

Castles

So how do I convince
someone who's taken
the plea deal
and given up
on
me?

How do I burn these logs
create promises
beg
and
plea
through a bundle of smoke
coming off the campfire
where it just stings
and hurts your
eyes


I've lost my way now
I wander woods
In the darkness
I wander the streets
In the hope
of being able
to prove to you

That I'm still the one

The breakfast making
the ride giving
the confidence boosting

broken man

Who would have guessed?
I'd be laying here
puddle of tears
holding back
fighting everything I've ever been
to defeat
the boss
the one
who doesnt even have you?

You're in another castle?
Aren't you

It's ok, Ill keep
on
Like the only one
the one who

I wanted to be that one for you

I would have beaten every castle
I would have vanquished every boss
I would have beat the gane

just to feel your lips

pressed against

mine..

So tell me?
What do i do now?
Who do I have to beat?
Was he better than me tonight?
Did he have more Hp?

I'll fight till my last breath...

and then I'll use a ring of sacrifice
and vanquish
because
i
have
no
other choice

not for
the
one...

A promise

sigh
this
is
the most
painful
one

cause I hope
deep down
in the depths of this
corrupted soul
the one
that was never
good enough
for you

the date
become someone
that would
never forget
you

It was this night
this moon
they came with dying
dreams of talking
but
I'm still asleep
and these words
fall on deaf
shielded eyes

I'd ask to sleep
just a little bit more
just a few more hours
in an eternal slumber
where you're
still
there
waiting
for me

But now,
his hands are on
your skin
and I can't let go
it's like a fire
that I'd rather engulf me
then have to watch
you press

those

perfect

lips

against his...

I told you I swear
I told you I swear
that you were the....

you took that all from me

now I'm a ghost
I never
existed
and I still have a promise

to someone
that doesn't remember
I ever
even
fucking
made
it...

Noose

Ok

You've got me partner

I've not been great

and I'm guilty

take me to the guillotine

take me to
the

noose

I deserve it
for all that

I've done

Believe me

It's the truth

I swear

I will take my punishment

I'm living it now

every moment

god
i
thought
it
would
never
come
to
this..

Not the Letter

This is not
the letter

I wanted to

send

I wanted to write
something

beyond my skill

something to make

you weep

where you stood
where you stand

but I'm scared it wont

make you feel

what

i feel...

Sweet Dreams

To quote someone else

"I'm dreaming less,
and sleeping more"

my nights are filled with terrors
and moments of serenity
being in a horror movie
would be a welcome sight
to the way i feel
it hurts
just a little
little
too
much

I drift off to sleep
after a battle of monsters
and balls
after skimming through
like a thief rummaging
through others insecurities

Their faces aren't as pretty as yours
their blurbs are boring
compared to
walking alone with
you
while you hold your breath
and just
dream

But I keep on,
cause you know
dont leave me alone
i can't handle being alone
now i swipe and i swipe
everyday
until you
your precious
beautiful
face
comes across my bright screen
and i know
i know
i fucking know
you're not listening
you can't hear my pleas
you can't hear

i

would

do

anything...

The Undertaker

This is the "curtain call"

This is the final encore

We're short on time
and i can't stop
can't control
pushing you
with the force of a thousand voices
and dark signs
with no prayers
of salvation
no spells of forget me
nots
and I just push you
punch you
kick you

away

from me.

This isn't the me
I envisioned in the
beginning

This isnt the me
I thought I was

But now were out of time
aren't we?
You no longer believe
not
in
me.

And I can't win
like a gambling game
like a spin of the dice
I can't win
You're not gonna
believe
in me...

So i'll stay here
cracking
flakes of my heart
fall off every day
I watch them
they slip through these fat fingers
like sands
through an hourglass
they are gone
and gone
and gone

And you wont stop it
just stop it
but you
don't care
this heart is
no longer
in your care
the undertaker
is on vacation
and she
may never
ever
ever

return....

Park Benches

This now is where
the sad children come
they gather
and gather
like blind souls
with no home

They live inside me
screaming to be unleashed
to be
let
out
but
you wont fall for it
this time

So i stare at profiles
and debates on yes's
or no's

I know i'm a mess right now
but you have to
believe

please
believe

with days spent in-between
reality
sickness
and confusion

i'm sitting on that park bench
with nothing here for me
nothing there for me
just lonliness
and the feeling

that this body
will never mend

that this heart
will never heal

I'd wait it out for you
I'd hold on for you
I'd make sure

I was still there for you...

Michael

I want to answer
all questions

I'll take the stand

Your honor!

I'm here
and i swear
and i swear
and i swear
and i swear

by your bible

My word is the truth

I'd still trade forever in
another moment
another day
another second
for just one more
little word

I just want to hear
my name
one
more
time

Sorry Captain

This
is the beginning
of the story
I always wanted

told

By my soul that
was so far below
the depth forgot
to cover me

So I'm delving deep now
calling up to the

captain

sorry to burden you

captain

this one is not your fault

Please

Please

forgive me

If i die down here let me
be
let me be enveloped by
the waves
of my malcontent
of the dreams
I abandoned in
my infancy

I'm sorry captain
but what hurts more now
is that
I would still

die

for

you

Sorry

I suppose 

I shall never

be sorry

enough

to

win back

your 

heart...

The beginning of the end...

This is where it hurts
This is where i die
This is where

she
is
not

Things left to give
care not

I'd trade a thousand
million
any
things

for one
more

kiss....

damnation

Some nights the darkness envelops like a warm
comforting
blanket of love that feels like
the sun should never rise
it would only ruin my good time
with the dark

then other nights
those are the worst
the dark is only a scorned lover
mocking you when you awake
staring into her
seeing a face that
will never be there again

those are the moments
most feared
like the boogey man
under your bed
mine, she lives in my dreams
and comes for me
when i',m most vulnerable

damn you

and damn all others

for not taking your place.

Here we go again, finally.

Well, here we go again I suppose. I just bought a new laptop finally after not having one for months and completely unable to really get work done. So.... I guess now i have no excuse to get back to writing on THEE novel, or maybe starting a new one or some short stories. I actually have a bunch of ideas rolling around in my head so it seems like its time now. I'm also going to update this blog even though I dont know whos looking or nor do i care. Its kind of just for me anyway and if you find it interesting then good for you.

I havent been doing anything but working lately anyway, work work work work work. And for that, i havent seen people i call friends or even those that i dont, but after my last drunken foray into that world, i needed to just go away. Sometimes the ego gets the best of you, and other times, the alcohol does. Either way, i wasnt at my best and ive needed to hide. Better for me, better for most of you. Although, i wish i was back in the times where i didnt have to, and i had my muse, and she made everything alright, A-O-K. 

shes gone though, been gone for years, never coming back. 

get over it faggot.

So, we start a new chapter now. A new chapter of writing. A new chapter of blogging.

A new chapter of getting this word out so that I can do it for a living.

and say good-bye to all those ive been avoiding.

lets get it soon, my children.

in between sleep

you spend your days lamenting about a lost love
only to find that she never treated you right
and then you spend your nights lamenting about the one that
taught you the fucking lesson
if the volume on this television would go down
you would end up lamenting about your dreams
and how falsifications seem to sink into your nightly travels
rejections run rampant in an ego infested with
winners
but the truth that losers are real
and you may be one
hurts like that blade that glows when evil is around
sting
yeah,
it hurts like that when i think of how
i'm not good enough
and i'm going to sleep now
afraid of seeing some of you
but knowing one of you may show up
and i'll roll over come six am
thinking i've become enough
and you're there
only to find
it;s just one of my cats
beneath my arms

whatever
they will love me more than
you
ever
could.

growing up

my first 15 years were born through hell
neglected like a step child was how my days were lived
"he has special needs" i was told
day in and day out
i was forsaken until i was old enough to know what
forsaken meant
and then that ended and it was time for school
you need to learn all these things
that you will never use again
you've been prepared for it for 6 grades before
you should know it by now
but the books are nothing
they were the easy part
kids are bastards
little savage fucking bastards
so spend your seventh grade picked on
beat up
bullied
tossed around like a joke
your life is a joke
then take it all in
breathe
and learn how to deal with that
that's what i did
spend another grade not sure where
to sit
during lunch
because nobody loves you
but nobody hates you enough to push you
away
as far
as you push yourself inside
spend another year
with two friends
when everyone else has twelve
there's a new school now
a high school
it's like a new beginning 
except everyone from before is still there
and they've grown grislier
that's alright
i took the high road with those son of bitches
i worked out all summer, day, night, day, night
in a gym with men i couldnt understand
i went to school then
high school
it was the first day of our new lives
and they acted like it was the second day of our old lives
this kid who used to beat on me jumped right back in
"hey Aidan, you're a little bitch, get away from our table"
i had waited three months for that moment and i told him
"no"
he looked around at his friends who were
the same little shits
that called themselves my
friends
bastards
young men are
the lunchroom fell silent
even the seniors waited
to see what i would do
"i'm sick of your shit, you wan't a problem with the kid?
then let's fucking dance at the end of school."
he reeled with surprise
his tiny chest pumped up
without another idea as what to do
you had to see it through son
you had to see it through
"ok, well do that then," he said with only a small conviction
it was then that i knew
i would whoop his ass
i had spent 75 out of 86 days in the gym
with nothing but my rage
pushing and lifting
shoving and hurting
for just this moment 
the clock on the wall
above each classroom door
ticked as if it knew
the things i held deep inside this dark heart of mine
other kids walked up to me during classes
"you'll get him Aidan!"
"this is your day Aidan"
there was support behind me
but i didnt want it
just as much as i wanted their
shitty friendship
the bell for the last class of the day
buuuuuuuzzzzzzzeeeedddd
and everyone knew it was
time
i calmly gathered my stuff from my locker
and the crowds grew outside where there was going to be a show
this was the first fight of the year and there were expectations
i walked outside with my dumb friends singing the song from rocky
trying to build confidence that was already so high
i could have toppled buildings like a monster
the groups of us met outside and began our walk
you couldn't fight in front of the school
we went around the corner to a parking lot
and then it was time
tick-tock-tick-tock
they were waiting for the violence
once the groups had been rounded and all the rules had been set in
place
no interferance
unless he's bleeding
unless he's dying
it's one on one
we squared off
fists up
anger's flared
except he really had no anger for me
he had only been a bully for the past three years
bullies have no anger towards their victims
that was his downfall
i had grown such a hatred that i spent
an entire summer
feeding it
the gym had become a nourishing agent
and this was the time that i finally let the fruits of the garden
shine
we danced for a few moments
kids in a circle screaming for blood
everyone looking for someone to call
the victor
and that's when it happened
this kid
full of pimples
and would spend the rest of high school
ridiculed for being a "pizza face"
shunned by all the girls
who now aren't worth his time
he finally got handed the right cards
it was the first time in my life i
felt everything was right
as he swung at my face and missed
junior high school abuse
wedgies and pointing
became unleashed in an arm
that came around and
connected with the side of his jaw
the sound around the collective group wasnt disdain
it was only surprise
and it grew louder
when the next punch landed straight against his nose
letting out a spray of blood
the kids were in shock and a collective gasp
made it uncomfortable for everyone
except me
as i unloaded another blow
across his temple while he staggered
he was unable to regain his wits
while another blow rained like Loki on Thor
the sound of thunder cracked
and when he fell
i pounced on him so similar
to a lion on its prey
that the crowd moaned unsure as to what to do
and when i was finally pulled off
these fists had destroyed his face so bad
it took two weeks for him to look normal
like a person
again
he had tortured me for years
after that day
and through my entire high school career
one that entailed three different schools
nobody every
fucked with me
again.
and to this day
i'll fight till i'm knocked out
but i'll never take
a wedgie
from someone
ever again...

she'll swallow you whole

i'm still bothered by these dreams
four poems in
and i cant stop thinking
how dare you
act one way in the real world
and another in my sleep
sleep is for the gods
where i become a god
save when i lucid dream
and project astrally
yet you sat there
admiring my love
speaking while enthralled
with all the emotion i could muster
and when i caressed your arm
it felt so natural that i
almost awoke
feeling that i was fitting
but i was only
being abusing
to myself and all the truths
that i had said
and you believed with a smile
always the pleaser
always the friend
so,
dealing with the truth sayer
makes dealing the beast that was
born
and swallowing hole
fit to be
nothing.

Destined to lose her

Tonight i feel prophetic
i want to write
i want to keep going until
the god's see me at this keyboard
and recognize me for
what i am
a genius stuck amongst idiots
one day they will look down
at all i have done
on my journey towards
fame
and reward me for it all
presents of fame
and money
although it's neither i desire
inside
outwardly i'll tell you different
but in the darkest corners of this
still beating heart
i only want two things
let me hammer these keys
with songs of love behind me
and a cold beer in my hand
during a moments respite
and please please please
promise me one more thing
give me a woman
a genuine one
who understands what it's all like
the need
the desire
the aching
the burning
the hurt when i go without
tapping at these keys
and i suppose
it would be swell
if you made her
beautiful
just like the ones i've
lost
before her....

my friend from work

i went to the bar tonight
with a girl from
work
she says we are friends
that's only because
i didn't want to sleep with her
ruin her
with all my
horribleness
we spoke of great things and how
we should make changes
how our hearts are now laid out
for savages to tear
to tiny pieces as if we
are nothing more than
toys
for them and their
lovely games
we drank
i had a shot and a beer
her
a large drink
we laughed
smoked
and confided in each others
misery
i still havent slept with her
that's because
i admire her
and she doesnt deserve
a monster
like
me

ghosts in the attic

So this was your fourth appearance
in three nights sleep
where you manifested yourself
to be a central character
the one who mattered most
the one who i woke up
thinking i needed to
phone
it's strange
because i don't love you
i barely even desire you anymore
you're not the one who haunted
like a ghost in an ancient house
and you're not the one who made me
forget about the ghost in the attic
you're nothing
to me
essentially
so, why are you
haunting these hours of slumber
so seductively?
there was no intamacy
no fluids passed
but i woke up this morning
in a frantic frenzy
and thought you were
going to be
my next book to put on the shelf
hoping you would be the one i
re-read everyday of my life
it's the worst feeling
anyone could ever have
to believe someone
beautiful
is next to them
only to realize
it's just their dumb
cat.