Well, I guess its come to this. So much destruction, too much love, too much pain..
I'll see you in 28 days as they say...
Goodbye for now...
Thursday, December 07, 2017
Monday, November 06, 2017
Sober Sleeps
Dreams
So, this is the third night in a row she's shown me to you like this. The third night in a row i've had the same type of dream. She gives you to me and then she takes you away only to give you back for just a moment..
This time it was the worst. We were blissfully happy in a new apartment. It was like one long hallway with a bedroom on each end. We were in ours, and the feeling of warmth just flows over me. I can remember it now, just a feeling of being safe. It was probably the best feeling i was going to get all night because after this you leave, and you leave for a non descript him. He takes you away, you leave me broken, and shattered and all you have to say is that "he's better" as i sit there and glare at him with eyes of hatred.
That's not the worst part though, because after that he moves in and she, why she's doing this to me in my sleep, this spirit, she forces me out of my own dream, out of my own body, to be a ghost dream within my own dream and during that time, i watch and feel horrors that the human mind is not supposed to endure. She forces me to watch him with you, in our old room, forces me to watch the Ecstasy on your face, the sweat pour down the small of your back, she makes me watch as he has you submit to him mind, body and soul. I almost woke up screaming, but i actually did, only in my dream, and then she forces me to listen to it from the closed walls. The sounds of the breathing, the pants and the grunts and the.... it was too much. Just too much last night..
But then it turns around, and one day he isn't home and you come back to me. God, i've never felt so alive. I awoke in the real world with the taste of honeysuckle from your lips still on mine, i can still feel the heat from your breath, the heat from your breath, as it flashed against the side of my face. I can't remember the last time i felt such pleasure, your skin rubbed against mine again and i pressed and pressed and pressed until i thought we would force each other into one full being...
She let me live, only to torture me more.
After we were done, you sat up on the edge of the bed and just kept repeating you were sorry and how much of a mistake it was, that I was. And it went on, and on, and on, and on, and on until that feeling, that feeling i have now as i wipe tears away wont go away..
He came home. You went with him. HIM doesn't matter. HIM is just NOT ME. I thought it was just me that wouldnt let this die, but now the spirits I toil with are telling me to not let this go. So i plead with you, I plead with you my dear.
Meet with me. If you have any love left in your heart, meet with me so that I may kill this devil that is inside of me and have this closure that was never given to me. To know that I'm wrong and when our eyes meet there is nothing there, then maybe, maybe these dreams will die. But until then, they are torturing me. It's so, so bad. I'm not quite sure how much longer I can let these dreams do this to me and now something that's stronger than me, you, and us... well that something wont let it go either and is forcing me to watch it every night since it started.. I'd kill to feel your breath against my cheek for real.. I await your reply...
You are all I am, you are all I ever want to be
So, this is the third night in a row she's shown me to you like this. The third night in a row i've had the same type of dream. She gives you to me and then she takes you away only to give you back for just a moment..
This time it was the worst. We were blissfully happy in a new apartment. It was like one long hallway with a bedroom on each end. We were in ours, and the feeling of warmth just flows over me. I can remember it now, just a feeling of being safe. It was probably the best feeling i was going to get all night because after this you leave, and you leave for a non descript him. He takes you away, you leave me broken, and shattered and all you have to say is that "he's better" as i sit there and glare at him with eyes of hatred.
That's not the worst part though, because after that he moves in and she, why she's doing this to me in my sleep, this spirit, she forces me out of my own dream, out of my own body, to be a ghost dream within my own dream and during that time, i watch and feel horrors that the human mind is not supposed to endure. She forces me to watch him with you, in our old room, forces me to watch the Ecstasy on your face, the sweat pour down the small of your back, she makes me watch as he has you submit to him mind, body and soul. I almost woke up screaming, but i actually did, only in my dream, and then she forces me to listen to it from the closed walls. The sounds of the breathing, the pants and the grunts and the.... it was too much. Just too much last night..
But then it turns around, and one day he isn't home and you come back to me. God, i've never felt so alive. I awoke in the real world with the taste of honeysuckle from your lips still on mine, i can still feel the heat from your breath, the heat from your breath, as it flashed against the side of my face. I can't remember the last time i felt such pleasure, your skin rubbed against mine again and i pressed and pressed and pressed until i thought we would force each other into one full being...
She let me live, only to torture me more.
After we were done, you sat up on the edge of the bed and just kept repeating you were sorry and how much of a mistake it was, that I was. And it went on, and on, and on, and on, and on until that feeling, that feeling i have now as i wipe tears away wont go away..
He came home. You went with him. HIM doesn't matter. HIM is just NOT ME. I thought it was just me that wouldnt let this die, but now the spirits I toil with are telling me to not let this go. So i plead with you, I plead with you my dear.
Meet with me. If you have any love left in your heart, meet with me so that I may kill this devil that is inside of me and have this closure that was never given to me. To know that I'm wrong and when our eyes meet there is nothing there, then maybe, maybe these dreams will die. But until then, they are torturing me. It's so, so bad. I'm not quite sure how much longer I can let these dreams do this to me and now something that's stronger than me, you, and us... well that something wont let it go either and is forcing me to watch it every night since it started.. I'd kill to feel your breath against my cheek for real.. I await your reply...
You are all I am, you are all I ever want to be
I think of you
A solitary cry echoes through my throat and through my mind
I think of you
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
For hours I'll just stare at my ceiling at nothing at all
And think of you
The candlelight through bells make shadows just like rosees in my mind
And I think of you
A solitary cry echoes through my throat and through my mind
I think of you
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
For hours I'll just stare at my ceiling at nothing at all
And think of you
The candlelight through bells make shadows just like rosees in my mind
And I think of you
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming again
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming again
Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Just can I die?
Or will I die?
Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Just can I die?
Maybe I could try to take a bath and drink a little wine
And think of you
But probably I'll lie naked on the floor by candlelight
And I'll think of you
And think of you
But probably I'll lie naked on the floor by candlelight
And I'll think of you
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Monday, September 11, 2017
Monday, August 21, 2017
Just Because...
I've been alone for so long
Forgotten by the world forgotten to myself
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me
And brushed the dust away
But I knew you'd never stay
So I memorized the color of your eyes
As I lost myself inside you
I memorized the way our legs entwined
As I drifted off beside you
I miss
God I miss waking up beside you
Forgotten by the world forgotten to myself
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me
And brushed the dust away
But I knew you'd never stay
So I memorized the color of your eyes
As I lost myself inside you
I memorized the way our legs entwined
As I drifted off beside you
I miss
God I miss waking up beside you
At night I cling to you I'm so afraid
Afraid the day will come
And I'll wake up and find you gone
But you promise that you'd not abandon me
And kissed my fears away
But I woke up to that day
But I had memorized the way our eyes would meet
Reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette
As you slowly brushed your hair
I miss god I miss waking up beside you
Afraid the day will come
And I'll wake up and find you gone
But you promise that you'd not abandon me
And kissed my fears away
But I woke up to that day
But I had memorized the way our eyes would meet
Reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette
As you slowly brushed your hair
I miss god I miss waking up beside you
I've been alone for so long
I forgot how much it hurts to wake up so alone
But I memorized how warm your body felt
As you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room
And played upon your body
I miss god I miss waking up beside you
I forgot how much it hurts to wake up so alone
But I memorized how warm your body felt
As you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room
And played upon your body
I miss god I miss waking up beside you
I can still see the way your legs entwined....
I was at this show, and saw this song live for the first time again in almost 20 years... It still makes me cry, especially now because being sober makes it so much more real....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrpRwURjDhY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrpRwURjDhY
Friday, July 28, 2017
still and until i die...
even now, just a photograph of you smashes my heart into a thousand million little pieces... and nobody is here to put me back together again...
Sunday, June 18, 2017
Monday, May 29, 2017
Monday, May 01, 2017
Monday, March 20, 2017
missing you
look into my eyes
but i cant change if jts only in my mind
and i love you
but i dont have the right
ans i wanted you so bad tonight...
some days i miss you so fucking much that my soul cries louder than my tears...
Saturday, March 18, 2017
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Missing
It's hard to say
It's hard to think
But
I miss you...
I told you so
I'm ok
I'm doing alright
But....
I miss you
I'm doing just fine
I'm gonna be great
Not ungreat
Like i was too you
If you traded every "I'm sorry"
That I feel inside
For a kiss
I would live the rest of my life
constantly kissing you beautiful
face
heart
soul
body
I miss you
Please
Miss me too
And give me
just 10 minutes
to touch your lips
to mine
and feel
that feeling
i'm scared ill never feel again
l
o
v
e
.
.
.
It's hard to think
But
I miss you...
I told you so
I'm ok
I'm doing alright
But....
I miss you
I'm doing just fine
I'm gonna be great
Not ungreat
Like i was too you
If you traded every "I'm sorry"
That I feel inside
For a kiss
I would live the rest of my life
constantly kissing you beautiful
face
heart
soul
body
I miss you
Please
Miss me too
And give me
just 10 minutes
to touch your lips
to mine
and feel
that feeling
i'm scared ill never feel again
l
o
v
e
.
.
.
Saturday, January 07, 2017
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