still...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6_aEsFwQ9s

end days

sometimes
i
still
miss
you
and
your
body
pressed
tightly
against
mine..

yeah

https://youtu.be/LiIurG0gwrE

This eve...

Tonight i shall dream

a dream

A dream of every night

where i fear for dawn

because then

these sorry arms

find themselves empty

and still without you...



To miss a certain kiss
is akin
to missing the shine
of the sun
on a smiling face....

a plea

friends who never started as friends

can become friends again

then if they are lucky

maybe they can not be

just be lovers again

but

real lovers

mind
body
soul

something real
i wanted to offer

accept?

Still..

"Why did you sleep so late?

"Why did you sleep so long?

she asked.

"Oh, I dunno," he said

"I was just tired, I guess," he said.

He thought to himself
slowly turned his
head
to wipe a growing tear

and whispered so low
only the angels could hear

"I sleep because, that's where
i get to see her again. 
Get to hold her
again.
Sleep, is the place
i wish i could be and
Heaven seems so
Overly far away
Lost for a wretch
Like me
Yearning for one more kiss"

sigh..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3a71swB_DqY

This isn't a poem, it's a thought..

I miss you..

I tried to pretend

it wasn't you

it was just

you know

"us"

but im wrong

It's YOU

I MISS

fuck me

I'm not supposed to text you

And I'm not supposed to still

love

you

But tonight

it hurts so much

I wouldnt wish this pain

On anyone else,

anyone else.

Fuck me.

It hearts to breathe

I just want to hear your voice
the way you giggle
they way you say
"that's so cool"
the way you would look
at
me
like i was worth

something

fuck

me

these fingers are now drenched with
tears
youll never dry

i
am
sorry...

I'd do anything, I'd do anything, for....

I'd even leave letters
in the rain
marked 
in poetry

for you
to hopefully
forgive
all
of my blame

love letters 
showing only in the rain..

wish

i still wish

i could rest my

tired head

and smell your smell

id live a thousand lives

for one more

deep breath

of true beauty...

nothing i can do now

as i walk

this dark night envelopes me

and i realize

there is nothing

i can do now

these dreams wont be taken away

and i cant escape this reality

of all your fingers

pointing at me

in anger

and heat

for all the things

these voices

keep calling me

your no more forever

your no more forever

they keep calling me

calling me

your forgotten

never to be remembered

love..

remembered

Hold my hand pretty girl?

Hey, so it's just me

I was your sweet William-O

I fear this is the

time of late

Too much

of what Momma

would think

What
What
What

would she think if she heard

my gruff love?

It could have been

a simple slip of the lip

a love of the kiss

just one more

we each deserve

one more test

But what would

Momma-o think?

of her sweet

Ariela-o

So what if I were to

return?

These words fall

on deaf ears

and these steps

fall down

silent ears

but up

Is where these feet

send me

and now this

is the last

of what I will

see

of what William-o

will see

of how he died

during a thought

and a dream

of all that

could have been

of all that was not

driven up to

by the captain

who fell in love

with the lady

i watched walk

a

way

i died with each step

with each breath

but I stand

now

ready

but without a hand

to

hold

mine...

A storm is coming darling....

I will still

and always

sing you love songs

written

in the letters

of your name...

New Beginnings

Well, I guess it must start sometime. I suppose it's not the medium that counts, its just getting it out. I'm so afraid I don't have what it takes anymore but this is the one way to get what I want. So, I guess here I go.... 


The story is the heart...

My...

My brain is broke

My heart...

I cannot tell you how my heart
feels

It has never felt this way before

Broken is not a word
destroyed is not a notion
decimated is not a feeling

alone...

and sorry..

sorry for a thousand nights and

forever now....

Yeah..

Your beauty was lost on

me

I was wrong for not

seeing all you were

and now

I am left without

because

I was not a good enough man

No matter how many

tables I turn now

My sorry

will never be enough.. 

Once more

It is not your lips
that I strive to
feel again
It is your heart
that I beg
To touch once
again
It is not your
love that I wish was
once mine again
It is your everything

that I can never
ever
have
once more...

blergh

im dying
without you

and yet you
still keep shoving
your non desire
for me

in my face

so i hope i
die tonight
i hope i
dont wake up

thanks.
for not

coming back.

Sigh

If
 We
  Could
   Talk
    Would
     You
       Even
        Say

Hello?

Happy 96th Birthday Buk...

The Retreat


this time has finished me.
I feel like the German troops
whipped by snow and the communists
walking bent
with newspapers stuffed into
worn boots.
my plight is just as terrible.
maybe more so.
victory was so close
victory was there.
as she stood before my mirror
younger and more beautiful than
any woman I had ever known
combing yards and yards of red hair
as I watched her.
and when she came to bed
she was more beautiful than ever
and the love was very very good.
eleven months.
now she's gone
gone as they go.
this time has finished me.
it's a long road back
and back to where?
the guy ahead of me
falls.
I step over him.
did she get him too?

A happy little home

I'm watching the letters stain my heart, each time it comes up. I'm wondering if there's been an explosion of you and them, all of them. If each time you leave you are pressing to another mans lips, if you're going to drink and if you tell them you want them.

You used to want me.

You used to want me.

Now i watch the smile fade from my face. Each time i let myself drift into what could have been.

And there's nobody here

to dry these fucking eyes.

And i keep saying "i wont forget you." Like i believe that you think the same

Like i believe, there is still a glimmer of hope.

How many games have i played? How many stories have i read?

Sometimes it works out, sometimes the guy gets the girl back. They live happily ever after. Like the transgressions have been rectified.

PRAY LORD JESUS~~!

i would, i would pray so fucking hard to that motherfucker

i would go to church, and stop creating spirits to do my bidding

and now i'm stuck in a bit of a position
because once everything is said and done
i'm not sure i'll be able to live

with

myself...

i thought i heard you come in the front door earlier

i actually said hello

it wasn't you

you won't come
 back to this
  destroyed
    but i'm rebuilding!
                                home............

Sorry sorry so...rr...yyyy

I thought i could have
should have
maybe i thought
i had the ability'

to not call you

to not tell you
to show you
to prove
to
you

I'm doing better
I'm turning into what you
I
Always wanted

It sucks
Like a thousand moments in
front of the sun
I
can't
stand the
pain

It was all my fault
and now you
wont let me
say
I'm sorry
I'm so
so
so
fucking
sorry

but it's too late
you've replaced me
does he live close?
Is he right around
the
corner

is he
better
than...

No, he's not better than me
He never will be
I...

I,,,

I, am so
sorry

One more chance
like asking for a 4 count
when 3 was for the winner

and my head reaches up from
the mat

a little
too
late..

But I'd do anything
anything,,,,
for one more
chance
to show you
I'm worthy
of everything
you always
thought I
was...

I
love
you
still

Not for your ears

Each day
I address
like a speaker in the house

"is today the day you say?"

and i slink back and write
a cowards sorry

although

sorry is not strong enough
a
word

Perhaps

Today is the day I say...

She said...

I wonder if she'll ever...
he said

come home?
she asked

Yes, if you'll ever..
He said.

Love you?
she asked.

Yes, if you'll ever...
he said

Try again?
she asked.

Yes, if you'll..
he said

No, I don't believe I will...
she said

Then kiss me good-bye
let the silent breeze
carry these tears
across your lips
and remember
I could have been
forever...

Birthday

Today...

Reminds me

of why

you

left..

a ruined day

i always thought
i
still
had a chance

in his arms
again
you
show theres a better
chance at me
seeing jesus

because
these arms
it seems
will not enfold you
again

and my day now
is ruined
and torn
i hope
his kisses
are as loving
as
mine....

sigh

i cant even look
towards the
future

cause
you
wont

and for
it
i will pay

my
whole
life....

This says it all...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xi49yirJiEA

Embers

This was the
well
you know what it was
it was

i know
forgot me nots
became forgot me nows

but i still feel inside
i still feel within

was it good?
was it fine?

The secret is out

His hands caressed the skin
that I covet
that I thought would always
be
just
for me

Foolish idiot

I was...

Cross my heart
and lie to me
Even if you promise to me
I'll let you
let
me
down...

There's no
Jesus fucking christ
there's no coming
back
like a black door
slammed shut
with a love
that is now
a destruction
on a home
that can no longer
be built
I follow the words
I follow the love

these penny papers
keep reporting
on nothing I care to see
All i want to know
is beyond me

These hands are red from
my own guilt
and I can't wash them off
without help
but you sit idle by
watching me in the park sinks
like a savage
scrubbing
and crying
and scrubbing

I keep at them
until blood
becomes the red
and the thoughts
disappear
into something
i can use
to sleep at night
but there's never
any real
sleep
I think about
The entering our life
and How i didn't take
enough pieces
cause
if
i did

you would still be looking to get
them back

but instead you're
looking at new dudes
new puzzle pieces
because mine didn't
fit

god

I wanted them to fit more
than anything I've

like the sun staying out forever
like the moon kissing me from afar

I wanted those pieces to fit

and now you wont bend
you wont hold down
a corner
just to make
it
fit

There's enough of time to reconstruct
to forget

all of this being a tragedy

So i'm left with not
much
of any sort of recourse
nothing
nothing
think about it
inside your skull

you have no chance
I know you know this
and I'm talking
to
my
sad
sad
self

So what

what do i do?

sit around and wait for
another chance?
you're beating it
into my skull
with a dull hammer
that there's no pieces
i can find
none I can just hope
to fit into
what would give
me that second

third

chance...

Tonight, i watch as all
of these dreams
fall to the
wayside

hello cliffside

hello end of the road

this is My dream

take is as you wish and

make sure she sees as it dies

curdles like its been out in the son

too long

Our promises have fallen

on deaf
ears..

don't forget,
you asked for
this....

I wanted to be your

MAN

forever and ever

with an extra ember...

Castles

So how do I convince
someone who's taken
the plea deal
and given up
on
me?

How do I burn these logs
create promises
beg
and
plea
through a bundle of smoke
coming off the campfire
where it just stings
and hurts your
eyes


I've lost my way now
I wander woods
In the darkness
I wander the streets
In the hope
of being able
to prove to you

That I'm still the one

The breakfast making
the ride giving
the confidence boosting

broken man

Who would have guessed?
I'd be laying here
puddle of tears
holding back
fighting everything I've ever been
to defeat
the boss
the one
who doesnt even have you?

You're in another castle?
Aren't you

It's ok, Ill keep
on
Like the only one
the one who

I wanted to be that one for you

I would have beaten every castle
I would have vanquished every boss
I would have beat the gane

just to feel your lips

pressed against

mine..

So tell me?
What do i do now?
Who do I have to beat?
Was he better than me tonight?
Did he have more Hp?

I'll fight till my last breath...

and then I'll use a ring of sacrifice
and vanquish
because
i
have
no
other choice

not for
the
one...

A promise

sigh
this
is
the most
painful
one

cause I hope
deep down
in the depths of this
corrupted soul
the one
that was never
good enough
for you

the date
become someone
that would
never forget
you

It was this night
this moon
they came with dying
dreams of talking
but
I'm still asleep
and these words
fall on deaf
shielded eyes

I'd ask to sleep
just a little bit more
just a few more hours
in an eternal slumber
where you're
still
there
waiting
for me

But now,
his hands are on
your skin
and I can't let go
it's like a fire
that I'd rather engulf me
then have to watch
you press

those

perfect

lips

against his...

I told you I swear
I told you I swear
that you were the....

you took that all from me

now I'm a ghost
I never
existed
and I still have a promise

to someone
that doesn't remember
I ever
even
fucking
made
it...

Noose

Ok

You've got me partner

I've not been great

and I'm guilty

take me to the guillotine

take me to
the

noose

I deserve it
for all that

I've done

Believe me

It's the truth

I swear

I will take my punishment

I'm living it now

every moment

god
i
thought
it
would
never
come
to
this..

Not the Letter

This is not
the letter

I wanted to

send

I wanted to write
something

beyond my skill

something to make

you weep

where you stood
where you stand

but I'm scared it wont

make you feel

what

i feel...

Sweet Dreams

To quote someone else

"I'm dreaming less,
and sleeping more"

my nights are filled with terrors
and moments of serenity
being in a horror movie
would be a welcome sight
to the way i feel
it hurts
just a little
little
too
much

I drift off to sleep
after a battle of monsters
and balls
after skimming through
like a thief rummaging
through others insecurities

Their faces aren't as pretty as yours
their blurbs are boring
compared to
walking alone with
you
while you hold your breath
and just
dream

But I keep on,
cause you know
dont leave me alone
i can't handle being alone
now i swipe and i swipe
everyday
until you
your precious
beautiful
face
comes across my bright screen
and i know
i know
i fucking know
you're not listening
you can't hear my pleas
you can't hear

i

would

do

anything...

The Undertaker

This is the "curtain call"

This is the final encore

We're short on time
and i can't stop
can't control
pushing you
with the force of a thousand voices
and dark signs
with no prayers
of salvation
no spells of forget me
nots
and I just push you
punch you
kick you

away

from me.

This isn't the me
I envisioned in the
beginning

This isnt the me
I thought I was

But now were out of time
aren't we?
You no longer believe
not
in
me.

And I can't win
like a gambling game
like a spin of the dice
I can't win
You're not gonna
believe
in me...

So i'll stay here
cracking
flakes of my heart
fall off every day
I watch them
they slip through these fat fingers
like sands
through an hourglass
they are gone
and gone
and gone

And you wont stop it
just stop it
but you
don't care
this heart is
no longer
in your care
the undertaker
is on vacation
and she
may never
ever
ever

return....

Park Benches

This now is where
the sad children come
they gather
and gather
like blind souls
with no home

They live inside me
screaming to be unleashed
to be
let
out
but
you wont fall for it
this time

So i stare at profiles
and debates on yes's
or no's

I know i'm a mess right now
but you have to
believe

please
believe

with days spent in-between
reality
sickness
and confusion

i'm sitting on that park bench
with nothing here for me
nothing there for me
just lonliness
and the feeling

that this body
will never mend

that this heart
will never heal

I'd wait it out for you
I'd hold on for you
I'd make sure

I was still there for you...

Michael

I want to answer
all questions

I'll take the stand

Your honor!

I'm here
and i swear
and i swear
and i swear
and i swear

by your bible

My word is the truth

I'd still trade forever in
another moment
another day
another second
for just one more
little word

I just want to hear
my name
one
more
time

Sorry Captain

This
is the beginning
of the story
I always wanted

told

By my soul that
was so far below
the depth forgot
to cover me

So I'm delving deep now
calling up to the

captain

sorry to burden you

captain

this one is not your fault

Please

Please

forgive me

If i die down here let me
be
let me be enveloped by
the waves
of my malcontent
of the dreams
I abandoned in
my infancy

I'm sorry captain
but what hurts more now
is that
I would still

die

for

you

Sorry

I suppose 

I shall never

be sorry

enough

to

win back

your 

heart...

The beginning of the end...

This is where it hurts
This is where i die
This is where

she
is
not

Things left to give
care not

I'd trade a thousand
million
any
things

for one
more

kiss....