you spend your days lamenting about a lost love
only to find that she never treated you right
and then you spend your nights lamenting about the one that
taught you the fucking lesson
if the volume on this television would go down
you would end up lamenting about your dreams
and how falsifications seem to sink into your nightly travels
rejections run rampant in an ego infested with
winners
but the truth that losers are real
and you may be one
hurts like that blade that glows when evil is around
sting
yeah,
it hurts like that when i think of how
i'm not good enough
and i'm going to sleep now
afraid of seeing some of you
but knowing one of you may show up
and i'll roll over come six am
thinking i've become enough
and you're there
only to find
it;s just one of my cats
beneath my arms
whatever
they will love me more than
you
ever
could.
Friday, August 23, 2013
growing up
my first 15 years were born through hell
neglected like a step child was how my days were lived
"he has special needs" i was told
day in and day out
i was forsaken until i was old enough to know what
forsaken meant
and then that ended and it was time for school
you need to learn all these things
that you will never use again
you've been prepared for it for 6 grades before
you should know it by now
but the books are nothing
they were the easy part
kids are bastards
little savage fucking bastards
so spend your seventh grade picked on
beat up
bullied
tossed around like a joke
your life is a joke
then take it all in
breathe
and learn how to deal with that
that's what i did
spend another grade not sure where
to sit
during lunch
because nobody loves you
but nobody hates you enough to push you
away
as far
as you push yourself inside
spend another year
with two friends
when everyone else has twelve
there's a new school now
a high school
it's like a new beginning
except everyone from before is still there
and they've grown grislier
that's alright
i took the high road with those son of bitches
i worked out all summer, day, night, day, night
in a gym with men i couldnt understand
i went to school then
high school
it was the first day of our new lives
and they acted like it was the second day of our old lives
this kid who used to beat on me jumped right back in
"hey Aidan, you're a little bitch, get away from our table"
i had waited three months for that moment and i told him
"no"
he looked around at his friends who were
the same little shits
that called themselves my
friends
bastards
young men are
the lunchroom fell silent
even the seniors waited
to see what i would do
"i'm sick of your shit, you wan't a problem with the kid?
then let's fucking dance at the end of school."
he reeled with surprise
his tiny chest pumped up
without another idea as what to do
you had to see it through son
you had to see it through
"ok, well do that then," he said with only a small conviction
it was then that i knew
i would whoop his ass
i had spent 75 out of 86 days in the gym
with nothing but my rage
pushing and lifting
shoving and hurting
for just this moment
the clock on the wall
above each classroom door
ticked as if it knew
the things i held deep inside this dark heart of mine
other kids walked up to me during classes
"you'll get him Aidan!"
"this is your day Aidan"
there was support behind me
but i didnt want it
just as much as i wanted their
shitty friendship
the bell for the last class of the day
buuuuuuuzzzzzzzeeeedddd
and everyone knew it was
time
i calmly gathered my stuff from my locker
and the crowds grew outside where there was going to be a show
this was the first fight of the year and there were expectations
i walked outside with my dumb friends singing the song from rocky
trying to build confidence that was already so high
i could have toppled buildings like a monster
the groups of us met outside and began our walk
you couldn't fight in front of the school
we went around the corner to a parking lot
and then it was time
tick-tock-tick-tock
they were waiting for the violence
once the groups had been rounded and all the rules had been set in
place
no interferance
unless he's bleeding
unless he's dying
it's one on one
we squared off
fists up
anger's flared
except he really had no anger for me
he had only been a bully for the past three years
bullies have no anger towards their victims
that was his downfall
i had grown such a hatred that i spent
an entire summer
feeding it
the gym had become a nourishing agent
and this was the time that i finally let the fruits of the garden
shine
we danced for a few moments
kids in a circle screaming for blood
everyone looking for someone to call
the victor
and that's when it happened
this kid
full of pimples
and would spend the rest of high school
ridiculed for being a "pizza face"
shunned by all the girls
who now aren't worth his time
he finally got handed the right cards
it was the first time in my life i
felt everything was right
as he swung at my face and missed
junior high school abuse
wedgies and pointing
became unleashed in an arm
that came around and
connected with the side of his jaw
the sound around the collective group wasnt disdain
it was only surprise
and it grew louder
when the next punch landed straight against his nose
letting out a spray of blood
the kids were in shock and a collective gasp
made it uncomfortable for everyone
except me
as i unloaded another blow
across his temple while he staggered
he was unable to regain his wits
while another blow rained like Loki on Thor
the sound of thunder cracked
and when he fell
i pounced on him so similar
to a lion on its prey
that the crowd moaned unsure as to what to do
and when i was finally pulled off
these fists had destroyed his face so bad
it took two weeks for him to look normal
like a person
again
he had tortured me for years
after that day
and through my entire high school career
one that entailed three different schools
nobody every
fucked with me
again.
and to this day
i'll fight till i'm knocked out
but i'll never take
a wedgie
from someone
ever again...
neglected like a step child was how my days were lived
"he has special needs" i was told
day in and day out
i was forsaken until i was old enough to know what
forsaken meant
and then that ended and it was time for school
you need to learn all these things
that you will never use again
you've been prepared for it for 6 grades before
you should know it by now
but the books are nothing
they were the easy part
kids are bastards
little savage fucking bastards
so spend your seventh grade picked on
beat up
bullied
tossed around like a joke
your life is a joke
then take it all in
breathe
and learn how to deal with that
that's what i did
spend another grade not sure where
to sit
during lunch
because nobody loves you
but nobody hates you enough to push you
away
as far
as you push yourself inside
spend another year
with two friends
when everyone else has twelve
there's a new school now
a high school
it's like a new beginning
except everyone from before is still there
and they've grown grislier
that's alright
i took the high road with those son of bitches
i worked out all summer, day, night, day, night
in a gym with men i couldnt understand
i went to school then
high school
it was the first day of our new lives
and they acted like it was the second day of our old lives
this kid who used to beat on me jumped right back in
"hey Aidan, you're a little bitch, get away from our table"
i had waited three months for that moment and i told him
"no"
he looked around at his friends who were
the same little shits
that called themselves my
friends
bastards
young men are
the lunchroom fell silent
even the seniors waited
to see what i would do
"i'm sick of your shit, you wan't a problem with the kid?
then let's fucking dance at the end of school."
he reeled with surprise
his tiny chest pumped up
without another idea as what to do
you had to see it through son
you had to see it through
"ok, well do that then," he said with only a small conviction
it was then that i knew
i would whoop his ass
i had spent 75 out of 86 days in the gym
with nothing but my rage
pushing and lifting
shoving and hurting
for just this moment
the clock on the wall
above each classroom door
ticked as if it knew
the things i held deep inside this dark heart of mine
other kids walked up to me during classes
"you'll get him Aidan!"
"this is your day Aidan"
there was support behind me
but i didnt want it
just as much as i wanted their
shitty friendship
the bell for the last class of the day
buuuuuuuzzzzzzzeeeedddd
and everyone knew it was
time
i calmly gathered my stuff from my locker
and the crowds grew outside where there was going to be a show
this was the first fight of the year and there were expectations
i walked outside with my dumb friends singing the song from rocky
trying to build confidence that was already so high
i could have toppled buildings like a monster
the groups of us met outside and began our walk
you couldn't fight in front of the school
we went around the corner to a parking lot
and then it was time
tick-tock-tick-tock
they were waiting for the violence
once the groups had been rounded and all the rules had been set in
place
no interferance
unless he's bleeding
unless he's dying
it's one on one
we squared off
fists up
anger's flared
except he really had no anger for me
he had only been a bully for the past three years
bullies have no anger towards their victims
that was his downfall
i had grown such a hatred that i spent
an entire summer
feeding it
the gym had become a nourishing agent
and this was the time that i finally let the fruits of the garden
shine
we danced for a few moments
kids in a circle screaming for blood
everyone looking for someone to call
the victor
and that's when it happened
this kid
full of pimples
and would spend the rest of high school
ridiculed for being a "pizza face"
shunned by all the girls
who now aren't worth his time
he finally got handed the right cards
it was the first time in my life i
felt everything was right
as he swung at my face and missed
junior high school abuse
wedgies and pointing
became unleashed in an arm
that came around and
connected with the side of his jaw
the sound around the collective group wasnt disdain
it was only surprise
and it grew louder
when the next punch landed straight against his nose
letting out a spray of blood
the kids were in shock and a collective gasp
made it uncomfortable for everyone
except me
as i unloaded another blow
across his temple while he staggered
he was unable to regain his wits
while another blow rained like Loki on Thor
the sound of thunder cracked
and when he fell
i pounced on him so similar
to a lion on its prey
that the crowd moaned unsure as to what to do
and when i was finally pulled off
these fists had destroyed his face so bad
it took two weeks for him to look normal
like a person
again
he had tortured me for years
after that day
and through my entire high school career
one that entailed three different schools
nobody every
fucked with me
again.
and to this day
i'll fight till i'm knocked out
but i'll never take
a wedgie
from someone
ever again...
she'll swallow you whole
i'm still bothered by these dreams
four poems in
and i cant stop thinking
how dare you
act one way in the real world
and another in my sleep
sleep is for the gods
where i become a god
save when i lucid dream
and project astrally
yet you sat there
admiring my love
speaking while enthralled
with all the emotion i could muster
and when i caressed your arm
it felt so natural that i
almost awoke
feeling that i was fitting
but i was only
being abusing
to myself and all the truths
that i had said
and you believed with a smile
always the pleaser
always the friend
so,
dealing with the truth sayer
makes dealing the beast that was
born
and swallowing hole
fit to be
nothing.
four poems in
and i cant stop thinking
how dare you
act one way in the real world
and another in my sleep
sleep is for the gods
where i become a god
save when i lucid dream
and project astrally
yet you sat there
admiring my love
speaking while enthralled
with all the emotion i could muster
and when i caressed your arm
it felt so natural that i
almost awoke
feeling that i was fitting
but i was only
being abusing
to myself and all the truths
that i had said
and you believed with a smile
always the pleaser
always the friend
so,
dealing with the truth sayer
makes dealing the beast that was
born
and swallowing hole
fit to be
nothing.
Destined to lose her
Tonight i feel prophetic
i want to write
i want to keep going until
the god's see me at this keyboard
and recognize me for
what i am
a genius stuck amongst idiots
one day they will look down
at all i have done
on my journey towards
fame
and reward me for it all
presents of fame
and money
although it's neither i desire
inside
outwardly i'll tell you different
but in the darkest corners of this
still beating heart
i only want two things
let me hammer these keys
with songs of love behind me
and a cold beer in my hand
during a moments respite
and please please please
promise me one more thing
give me a woman
a genuine one
who understands what it's all like
the need
the desire
the aching
the burning
the hurt when i go without
tapping at these keys
and i suppose
it would be swell
if you made her
beautiful
just like the ones i've
lost
before her....
i want to write
i want to keep going until
the god's see me at this keyboard
and recognize me for
what i am
a genius stuck amongst idiots
one day they will look down
at all i have done
on my journey towards
fame
and reward me for it all
presents of fame
and money
although it's neither i desire
inside
outwardly i'll tell you different
but in the darkest corners of this
still beating heart
i only want two things
let me hammer these keys
with songs of love behind me
and a cold beer in my hand
during a moments respite
and please please please
promise me one more thing
give me a woman
a genuine one
who understands what it's all like
the need
the desire
the aching
the burning
the hurt when i go without
tapping at these keys
and i suppose
it would be swell
if you made her
beautiful
just like the ones i've
lost
before her....
my friend from work
i went to the bar tonight
with a girl from
work
she says we are friends
that's only because
i didn't want to sleep with her
ruin her
with all my
horribleness
we spoke of great things and how
we should make changes
how our hearts are now laid out
for savages to tear
to tiny pieces as if we
are nothing more than
toys
for them and their
lovely games
we drank
i had a shot and a beer
her
a large drink
we laughed
smoked
and confided in each others
misery
i still havent slept with her
that's because
i admire her
and she doesnt deserve
a monster
like
me
with a girl from
work
she says we are friends
that's only because
i didn't want to sleep with her
ruin her
with all my
horribleness
we spoke of great things and how
we should make changes
how our hearts are now laid out
for savages to tear
to tiny pieces as if we
are nothing more than
toys
for them and their
lovely games
we drank
i had a shot and a beer
her
a large drink
we laughed
smoked
and confided in each others
misery
i still havent slept with her
that's because
i admire her
and she doesnt deserve
a monster
like
me
ghosts in the attic
So this was your fourth appearance
in three nights sleep
where you manifested yourself
to be a central character
the one who mattered most
the one who i woke up
thinking i needed to
phone
it's strange
because i don't love you
i barely even desire you anymore
you're not the one who haunted
like a ghost in an ancient house
and you're not the one who made me
forget about the ghost in the attic
you're nothing
to me
essentially
so, why are you
haunting these hours of slumber
so seductively?
there was no intamacy
no fluids passed
but i woke up this morning
in a frantic frenzy
and thought you were
going to be
my next book to put on the shelf
hoping you would be the one i
re-read everyday of my life
it's the worst feeling
anyone could ever have
to believe someone
beautiful
is next to them
only to realize
it's just their dumb
cat.
in three nights sleep
where you manifested yourself
to be a central character
the one who mattered most
the one who i woke up
thinking i needed to
phone
it's strange
because i don't love you
i barely even desire you anymore
you're not the one who haunted
like a ghost in an ancient house
and you're not the one who made me
forget about the ghost in the attic
you're nothing
to me
essentially
so, why are you
haunting these hours of slumber
so seductively?
there was no intamacy
no fluids passed
but i woke up this morning
in a frantic frenzy
and thought you were
going to be
my next book to put on the shelf
hoping you would be the one i
re-read everyday of my life
it's the worst feeling
anyone could ever have
to believe someone
beautiful
is next to them
only to realize
it's just their dumb
cat.
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