after reading that back to myself i feel i need to preface that im open and willing for someone to change my mind but..as the post before the last one says, its uhh... not working out so well.. whatever.. keep on trucking man, keep on trucking..

a litte too personal, but hey, i said id blog the truth.

well, here we are. I'm just gonna preface this with telling you that if you don't care or want to know something personal about me, turn away now. I probably shouldnt be writing this, and the fact that im fairly sober and doing this is strange. I just have to write right now, i need to get this out or I'm gonna go crazy. So, here i go.. also, i just put "the crow" on tv off of netflix while i write this.. point of that? go ahead, laugh now, but im such a hopeless romantic that its my favorite movie.. if youve seen it or read it, you know why.. so anyway, sigh, ok.. lets get started..

last night, well technically the night before last was not a good night for me. I ventured into a bar by my house with a good female friend of mine and as i went to look at what they had on tap, i was surprised by seeing someone who lives kinda far from the island now. we're friends, but shes better friends with the ex. After the awkward shock of seeing each other faded (it took about 3 seconds) i was told that i had to leave. but not nicely. i was told, i needed to leave "right fucking now". why you say? cause apparently the ex was there herself, just in the bathroom enjoying a little pee pee or whatever. i began to think about arguing the situation as c'mon, were fucking adults, cut it out. but...well she was quite adamant about the fact that i needed to run as if i had some sort of contagious disease and i could not be around to infect other people. Now... what do you do? stand your ground? say, shut up, ill do what i want. i'm an adult and she should be one too? or do you do the proper thing, and respect others wishes.. especially someone you care about...

yeah, as you should have guessed, i respected the wishes and quickly grabbed my friend by the back of her coat and told her that we needed to go.. so we left, and yeah, she was there. as i sat in the car i saw her come out of the bathroom and freak out after being told i had just been there. i watched as we pulled away from the bar and i looked inside seeing her from afar, and she looked outside, watching me in the car... is this the point i mention i couldnt breathe? i was practically hyperventilating and thought my heart was going to punch itself out of its chest.. i didnt even see the girl close up, i barely made her out from far away but knowing she was in the same building as me was enough to make me a mess. a frustrated, sad, angry, self loathing mess..

let me ask you a question... obviously you cant answer me, so i beg you to ask yourself this. What's the worst feeling you can have? Were all different, and this is an open question. There has to be an emotion that just tears you to pieces. that one that youll do anything to avoid. Mine? mine is easy. i hate feeling a lot of things, but the worst one, the absolute worse one, is feeling that i'm not good enough. i cant stand that feeling above all others. especially because contrary to popular belief, im really fucking awesome. i'm good looking, im somewhat fit, im sweet, and when im with a girl i like, i treat her like gold. to the point that ive been told that i do it TOO MUCH. i was once told by this particular girl in the middle of an argument something that sticks with me to this day. she said; "You know your problem? do you? you put me in front of you. You put my needs and wants and feelings before your own." is this a bad thing? i'm still unsure. i still kinda think that in a relationship where real love is involved, the whole point of it is that you both put your partner before yourself.. isnt that what love is supposed to be? you know, the whole "i'll take a bullet for you," thing? isnt that the point? well, not so much according to this girl. but i digress..

so we left. we went somewhere else, and thank god for my friend because she kept me from downing a bottle of booze and smashing it against my own throat. i felt better, a bit, but not really. I just you know, kept on keeping on man. what else was i gonna do? cant contact her, she would have contacted me if that was the case. i did feel better that after 15-20 minutes of bitching/moaning/tearing my friend said to me; "you know shes doing the same thing right now". i guess that sort of made me feel better, but not a lot. it should of though, right? nope. why? well, cause i care so much that i dont want her to feel those feelings of sadness.

God im such a fucking sucker and sap sometimes.

So i dont know what im really getting at here in writing this except that if youre reading this, dont do what i do. dont put one of those black hearted monsters on a pedestal. or if you're a woman, dont put some useless dickhead on a pedestal, because they just arent worth it.. easier said than done, i know, but i feel better sharing this and telling you that cause maybe 1 out of 10 will actually listen to me. Feeling like youre not enough isnt cool. cause regardless of any situation you/i am good enough, just not for people whos not worth it. But then there's the other problem.. i can get women, fairly easily.. but they just arent her.. and if youre not her, well dear, youre not good enough. and thats just not fair to anyone. especially the ladies.. this is gonna need to change, and i think i have a solid plan for it.

black magick. or at least, Chaos magick. snicker all you want, it does wonders for the self.

so after this rant i suppose ill leave you with a poem.. im writing this at 7:42 am and on the fly, so bear with it.. im not even sure what's gonna come out of me while i do this but those are always the best, arent they? the madness brings the best out of an artist.. eventually ill be paid for these, so enjoy this one for free you fucking cocksuckers..


Often the lines get
crossed
twisted and bewitched
jagged to the point that there
is no end in sight
but you walk that line
follow it till the end
dead end
so you turn around
not before though
you see her across the gap
the chasm that is on the
other line
the other path you cant reach
and you see her
all the beauty
all that ass
all that
fun and
happiness
she makes you feel
like no woman before or after
makes you imagine
shes right there
right across the fucking
open hole you cant get
across
retreat is the only option
the sane thing to do
yet you leap
with arms stretched out in faith
praying to an unknown god
that you'll make it across
at least to the ledge
she's right there
if only you could pull
will
          yourself
                         up
to have your lips meet hers
one
       last
               time
but your strength fails you
its fleeting just like
her desire
so you scream her name
to help
           pull you
                         up
but she just stands there
frozen
           afraid
and you slip
swiftly
and your everything
is no
                                    more
as you plummet
into the chasm
the
     deep
             deep
                       chasm
of despair
never to touch those lips
even
        one
               more
                         time
so you say good-bye
and embrace the
darkness
              as it
                     envelopes
                                     all you've ever been
remembering
as you plummet
           you're
                      just
                               not
                                       good
enough...

Sad Realizations..

So sometimes you tend to be up late at night, as i usually am, and these sudden realizations come to you. Often times, they are either good or bad, but there are like pieces of epiphanies. You have to take the good with the bad i guess. You can crack another beer, maybe another, and another, and another, and hope that bad one fades away--but it wont. It's like a slimy cunt that wont leave you alone. It's there, and now you KNOW its there. God, it can be so debilitating. I suppose here's a thinly veiled attempt to tell you what they were. "Thinly veiled" because I haven't fully accepted things yet. I'm not ready, and it's not worth it yet, to really let you know who I'm talking about. Start this blog from the beginning and you'll know why one of the prettiest ones went away--but then again, you probably dont know my entire body of short story work.

Start at the beginning,

But for now, here goes my sudden feeling of inadequacy.

I love women, i really do. What straight dude doesn't? Seriously. Women are the most beautiful creatures on earth, they really are. They are also black hearted monsters that live to suck every last drop of decency and hope from your soul. Don't sit there going; "oh no, you're so wrong, WE are..."-- shut the fuck up. You are all black hearted monsters. I love you though, i love you all. I love every woman, big, small, fat, skinny, hot, ugly, i even love the pathetic looking monsters. I love you all. Will i sleep with all of you? Certainly not. I have to have some sort of moral standing, don't i? It's not against you, I'm sure youre a wonderful girl. Just not a girl for me.

See? I'm serious about that. I really do love and care for all of you-- my dick just isnt going into all of you.

So back to my inadequacy. Well, lets start at the beginning of it. I've been obsessed with a woman who i used to have and simply put, cant get back. Why am i so obsessed? well, simply put, she's more attractive than any girl you have. sorry dick. it's true. she was hands down the prettiest girl ive ever had, and one of the most fun. She was also a crazy lunatic with super princess syndrome, but hey, we are arent perfect. you know? So, I've been measuring every woman since her up these standards, and for some reason they have grown larger than life. I don't believe she was really the end all to be all, but my psyche has convinced itself that if they dont live up to her attractiveness, then you just arent good enough.

blah blah blah blah, "get over it asshole," blah blah blah "you're a dick."

ok, i get it. just cut the shit. now, lets get to the real insecurity because as much as i've felt for this past woman, i thought/think there is one that may change that. Thing is, it's never that easy. God, I wish it was.

So there's this other lady whom I felt originally that for all intensive purposes I should be able to lock down. and I don't mean anything i say here in a derogatory way. In actuality, I'm pretty serious about this. It turns out that I'm wrong, and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I mean, i get it, i sort of...no, no i dont. The first one to really ruin me i chased longer and harder than any man i personally know has ever done. In fact, i was so criticized about how much shit i put up with that most; correction: all of my friends shit all over me for dealing what i dealt with. She was worth it, so they can all shut the fuck up, but now, now is different. I don't feel like i need to jump through these hoops anymore. How much of my own blood do i need to spill to prove my worth?

So this other girl, she's the first one for a very long time that I feel more the need to talk, listen, and hand hold with than i do to just put the boots too. A very, very, very rare occurrence. So the inadequacy your saying? Yeah, i'm clearly not good enough. And i dont know why, i have my normal situations as to what i may not be good enough, but from my knowledge, she is supposed to be over that. Shouldn't the focus be on love and affection and all that jazz? It's not though. The focus grows more and more on finances than it does on eating mac and cheese while being in love. It breaks my heart. There's also the fact that i faintly tried and was considered a creep for acting out of the norm. Am i that bad of dude?

silly girl. I'm way more of a man than any dude you've recently taken over me, and way way more of what you need to fix that hole in your heart, than whats going to make it better, She will pick and choose from a plethora of suitors, herself, chasing the same thing i am. Yet, her choices seem to make me feel so inadequate that i want to run and hide from everything i cant have. This doesn't sit well with someone who thinks they can basically have for most part, anyone woman he speaks to. Now, i know i dont have the financial means to hold a lot of women, but when im looking for more than a sex partner, this should never matter. Like i said, i gave it a faint try, i would have tried harder but i was cockblocked just as i thought i had finally made a dent in her impenetrable armor. I dont blame her for her armor, everyone, even the prettiest girl on the block has dents in their armor. what i blame her for is giving chumps, dudes, nobody worth the salt i sweat-- a chance at making her happy. i can handle a good old-- "this doesnt look like its going to work," not everyone is meant to be with each other. I'd be okay if thats the way the cards were dealt. I'm just not okay when a donkey gets a better shot at proving his worth when i know my own outshines theirs like the first sunrise in alaska after 6 months of darkness.

So in retrospect, even i feel the notion of inadequacy. I feel it so stongly from this newly found woman of my distorted dreams. I'm not going to sit here and say shes the "one". That would be a fools statement. I will sit here and say over and over, that shes good enough that I'm willing to try and find out-- except I'm not good enough in her four eyes to discover if i'm a failure or a success.

I just want an honest shot at being a success for once.... . . . . . .