Some nights the darkness envelops like a warm
comforting
blanket of love that feels like
the sun should never rise
it would only ruin my good time
with the dark
then other nights
those are the worst
the dark is only a scorned lover
mocking you when you awake
staring into her
seeing a face that
will never be there again
those are the moments
most feared
like the boogey man
under your bed
mine, she lives in my dreams
and comes for me
when i',m most vulnerable
damn you
and damn all others
for not taking your place.
Tuesday, December 03, 2013
Here we go again, finally.
Well, here we go again I suppose. I just bought a new laptop finally after not having one for months and completely unable to really get work done. So.... I guess now i have no excuse to get back to writing on THEE novel, or maybe starting a new one or some short stories. I actually have a bunch of ideas rolling around in my head so it seems like its time now. I'm also going to update this blog even though I dont know whos looking or nor do i care. Its kind of just for me anyway and if you find it interesting then good for you.
I havent been doing anything but working lately anyway, work work work work work. And for that, i havent seen people i call friends or even those that i dont, but after my last drunken foray into that world, i needed to just go away. Sometimes the ego gets the best of you, and other times, the alcohol does. Either way, i wasnt at my best and ive needed to hide. Better for me, better for most of you. Although, i wish i was back in the times where i didnt have to, and i had my muse, and she made everything alright, A-O-K.
shes gone though, been gone for years, never coming back.
get over it faggot.
So, we start a new chapter now. A new chapter of writing. A new chapter of blogging.
A new chapter of getting this word out so that I can do it for a living.
and say good-bye to all those ive been avoiding.
lets get it soon, my children.
I havent been doing anything but working lately anyway, work work work work work. And for that, i havent seen people i call friends or even those that i dont, but after my last drunken foray into that world, i needed to just go away. Sometimes the ego gets the best of you, and other times, the alcohol does. Either way, i wasnt at my best and ive needed to hide. Better for me, better for most of you. Although, i wish i was back in the times where i didnt have to, and i had my muse, and she made everything alright, A-O-K.
shes gone though, been gone for years, never coming back.
get over it faggot.
So, we start a new chapter now. A new chapter of writing. A new chapter of blogging.
A new chapter of getting this word out so that I can do it for a living.
and say good-bye to all those ive been avoiding.
lets get it soon, my children.
Friday, August 23, 2013
in between sleep
you spend your days lamenting about a lost love
only to find that she never treated you right
and then you spend your nights lamenting about the one that
taught you the fucking lesson
if the volume on this television would go down
you would end up lamenting about your dreams
and how falsifications seem to sink into your nightly travels
rejections run rampant in an ego infested with
winners
but the truth that losers are real
and you may be one
hurts like that blade that glows when evil is around
sting
yeah,
it hurts like that when i think of how
i'm not good enough
and i'm going to sleep now
afraid of seeing some of you
but knowing one of you may show up
and i'll roll over come six am
thinking i've become enough
and you're there
only to find
it;s just one of my cats
beneath my arms
whatever
they will love me more than
you
ever
could.
only to find that she never treated you right
and then you spend your nights lamenting about the one that
taught you the fucking lesson
if the volume on this television would go down
you would end up lamenting about your dreams
and how falsifications seem to sink into your nightly travels
rejections run rampant in an ego infested with
winners
but the truth that losers are real
and you may be one
hurts like that blade that glows when evil is around
sting
yeah,
it hurts like that when i think of how
i'm not good enough
and i'm going to sleep now
afraid of seeing some of you
but knowing one of you may show up
and i'll roll over come six am
thinking i've become enough
and you're there
only to find
it;s just one of my cats
beneath my arms
whatever
they will love me more than
you
ever
could.
growing up
my first 15 years were born through hell
neglected like a step child was how my days were lived
"he has special needs" i was told
day in and day out
i was forsaken until i was old enough to know what
forsaken meant
and then that ended and it was time for school
you need to learn all these things
that you will never use again
you've been prepared for it for 6 grades before
you should know it by now
but the books are nothing
they were the easy part
kids are bastards
little savage fucking bastards
so spend your seventh grade picked on
beat up
bullied
tossed around like a joke
your life is a joke
then take it all in
breathe
and learn how to deal with that
that's what i did
spend another grade not sure where
to sit
during lunch
because nobody loves you
but nobody hates you enough to push you
away
as far
as you push yourself inside
spend another year
with two friends
when everyone else has twelve
there's a new school now
a high school
it's like a new beginning
except everyone from before is still there
and they've grown grislier
that's alright
i took the high road with those son of bitches
i worked out all summer, day, night, day, night
in a gym with men i couldnt understand
i went to school then
high school
it was the first day of our new lives
and they acted like it was the second day of our old lives
this kid who used to beat on me jumped right back in
"hey Aidan, you're a little bitch, get away from our table"
i had waited three months for that moment and i told him
"no"
he looked around at his friends who were
the same little shits
that called themselves my
friends
bastards
young men are
the lunchroom fell silent
even the seniors waited
to see what i would do
"i'm sick of your shit, you wan't a problem with the kid?
then let's fucking dance at the end of school."
he reeled with surprise
his tiny chest pumped up
without another idea as what to do
you had to see it through son
you had to see it through
"ok, well do that then," he said with only a small conviction
it was then that i knew
i would whoop his ass
i had spent 75 out of 86 days in the gym
with nothing but my rage
pushing and lifting
shoving and hurting
for just this moment
the clock on the wall
above each classroom door
ticked as if it knew
the things i held deep inside this dark heart of mine
other kids walked up to me during classes
"you'll get him Aidan!"
"this is your day Aidan"
there was support behind me
but i didnt want it
just as much as i wanted their
shitty friendship
the bell for the last class of the day
buuuuuuuzzzzzzzeeeedddd
and everyone knew it was
time
i calmly gathered my stuff from my locker
and the crowds grew outside where there was going to be a show
this was the first fight of the year and there were expectations
i walked outside with my dumb friends singing the song from rocky
trying to build confidence that was already so high
i could have toppled buildings like a monster
the groups of us met outside and began our walk
you couldn't fight in front of the school
we went around the corner to a parking lot
and then it was time
tick-tock-tick-tock
they were waiting for the violence
once the groups had been rounded and all the rules had been set in
place
no interferance
unless he's bleeding
unless he's dying
it's one on one
we squared off
fists up
anger's flared
except he really had no anger for me
he had only been a bully for the past three years
bullies have no anger towards their victims
that was his downfall
i had grown such a hatred that i spent
an entire summer
feeding it
the gym had become a nourishing agent
and this was the time that i finally let the fruits of the garden
shine
we danced for a few moments
kids in a circle screaming for blood
everyone looking for someone to call
the victor
and that's when it happened
this kid
full of pimples
and would spend the rest of high school
ridiculed for being a "pizza face"
shunned by all the girls
who now aren't worth his time
he finally got handed the right cards
it was the first time in my life i
felt everything was right
as he swung at my face and missed
junior high school abuse
wedgies and pointing
became unleashed in an arm
that came around and
connected with the side of his jaw
the sound around the collective group wasnt disdain
it was only surprise
and it grew louder
when the next punch landed straight against his nose
letting out a spray of blood
the kids were in shock and a collective gasp
made it uncomfortable for everyone
except me
as i unloaded another blow
across his temple while he staggered
he was unable to regain his wits
while another blow rained like Loki on Thor
the sound of thunder cracked
and when he fell
i pounced on him so similar
to a lion on its prey
that the crowd moaned unsure as to what to do
and when i was finally pulled off
these fists had destroyed his face so bad
it took two weeks for him to look normal
like a person
again
he had tortured me for years
after that day
and through my entire high school career
one that entailed three different schools
nobody every
fucked with me
again.
and to this day
i'll fight till i'm knocked out
but i'll never take
a wedgie
from someone
ever again...
neglected like a step child was how my days were lived
"he has special needs" i was told
day in and day out
i was forsaken until i was old enough to know what
forsaken meant
and then that ended and it was time for school
you need to learn all these things
that you will never use again
you've been prepared for it for 6 grades before
you should know it by now
but the books are nothing
they were the easy part
kids are bastards
little savage fucking bastards
so spend your seventh grade picked on
beat up
bullied
tossed around like a joke
your life is a joke
then take it all in
breathe
and learn how to deal with that
that's what i did
spend another grade not sure where
to sit
during lunch
because nobody loves you
but nobody hates you enough to push you
away
as far
as you push yourself inside
spend another year
with two friends
when everyone else has twelve
there's a new school now
a high school
it's like a new beginning
except everyone from before is still there
and they've grown grislier
that's alright
i took the high road with those son of bitches
i worked out all summer, day, night, day, night
in a gym with men i couldnt understand
i went to school then
high school
it was the first day of our new lives
and they acted like it was the second day of our old lives
this kid who used to beat on me jumped right back in
"hey Aidan, you're a little bitch, get away from our table"
i had waited three months for that moment and i told him
"no"
he looked around at his friends who were
the same little shits
that called themselves my
friends
bastards
young men are
the lunchroom fell silent
even the seniors waited
to see what i would do
"i'm sick of your shit, you wan't a problem with the kid?
then let's fucking dance at the end of school."
he reeled with surprise
his tiny chest pumped up
without another idea as what to do
you had to see it through son
you had to see it through
"ok, well do that then," he said with only a small conviction
it was then that i knew
i would whoop his ass
i had spent 75 out of 86 days in the gym
with nothing but my rage
pushing and lifting
shoving and hurting
for just this moment
the clock on the wall
above each classroom door
ticked as if it knew
the things i held deep inside this dark heart of mine
other kids walked up to me during classes
"you'll get him Aidan!"
"this is your day Aidan"
there was support behind me
but i didnt want it
just as much as i wanted their
shitty friendship
the bell for the last class of the day
buuuuuuuzzzzzzzeeeedddd
and everyone knew it was
time
i calmly gathered my stuff from my locker
and the crowds grew outside where there was going to be a show
this was the first fight of the year and there were expectations
i walked outside with my dumb friends singing the song from rocky
trying to build confidence that was already so high
i could have toppled buildings like a monster
the groups of us met outside and began our walk
you couldn't fight in front of the school
we went around the corner to a parking lot
and then it was time
tick-tock-tick-tock
they were waiting for the violence
once the groups had been rounded and all the rules had been set in
place
no interferance
unless he's bleeding
unless he's dying
it's one on one
we squared off
fists up
anger's flared
except he really had no anger for me
he had only been a bully for the past three years
bullies have no anger towards their victims
that was his downfall
i had grown such a hatred that i spent
an entire summer
feeding it
the gym had become a nourishing agent
and this was the time that i finally let the fruits of the garden
shine
we danced for a few moments
kids in a circle screaming for blood
everyone looking for someone to call
the victor
and that's when it happened
this kid
full of pimples
and would spend the rest of high school
ridiculed for being a "pizza face"
shunned by all the girls
who now aren't worth his time
he finally got handed the right cards
it was the first time in my life i
felt everything was right
as he swung at my face and missed
junior high school abuse
wedgies and pointing
became unleashed in an arm
that came around and
connected with the side of his jaw
the sound around the collective group wasnt disdain
it was only surprise
and it grew louder
when the next punch landed straight against his nose
letting out a spray of blood
the kids were in shock and a collective gasp
made it uncomfortable for everyone
except me
as i unloaded another blow
across his temple while he staggered
he was unable to regain his wits
while another blow rained like Loki on Thor
the sound of thunder cracked
and when he fell
i pounced on him so similar
to a lion on its prey
that the crowd moaned unsure as to what to do
and when i was finally pulled off
these fists had destroyed his face so bad
it took two weeks for him to look normal
like a person
again
he had tortured me for years
after that day
and through my entire high school career
one that entailed three different schools
nobody every
fucked with me
again.
and to this day
i'll fight till i'm knocked out
but i'll never take
a wedgie
from someone
ever again...
she'll swallow you whole
i'm still bothered by these dreams
four poems in
and i cant stop thinking
how dare you
act one way in the real world
and another in my sleep
sleep is for the gods
where i become a god
save when i lucid dream
and project astrally
yet you sat there
admiring my love
speaking while enthralled
with all the emotion i could muster
and when i caressed your arm
it felt so natural that i
almost awoke
feeling that i was fitting
but i was only
being abusing
to myself and all the truths
that i had said
and you believed with a smile
always the pleaser
always the friend
so,
dealing with the truth sayer
makes dealing the beast that was
born
and swallowing hole
fit to be
nothing.
four poems in
and i cant stop thinking
how dare you
act one way in the real world
and another in my sleep
sleep is for the gods
where i become a god
save when i lucid dream
and project astrally
yet you sat there
admiring my love
speaking while enthralled
with all the emotion i could muster
and when i caressed your arm
it felt so natural that i
almost awoke
feeling that i was fitting
but i was only
being abusing
to myself and all the truths
that i had said
and you believed with a smile
always the pleaser
always the friend
so,
dealing with the truth sayer
makes dealing the beast that was
born
and swallowing hole
fit to be
nothing.
Destined to lose her
Tonight i feel prophetic
i want to write
i want to keep going until
the god's see me at this keyboard
and recognize me for
what i am
a genius stuck amongst idiots
one day they will look down
at all i have done
on my journey towards
fame
and reward me for it all
presents of fame
and money
although it's neither i desire
inside
outwardly i'll tell you different
but in the darkest corners of this
still beating heart
i only want two things
let me hammer these keys
with songs of love behind me
and a cold beer in my hand
during a moments respite
and please please please
promise me one more thing
give me a woman
a genuine one
who understands what it's all like
the need
the desire
the aching
the burning
the hurt when i go without
tapping at these keys
and i suppose
it would be swell
if you made her
beautiful
just like the ones i've
lost
before her....
i want to write
i want to keep going until
the god's see me at this keyboard
and recognize me for
what i am
a genius stuck amongst idiots
one day they will look down
at all i have done
on my journey towards
fame
and reward me for it all
presents of fame
and money
although it's neither i desire
inside
outwardly i'll tell you different
but in the darkest corners of this
still beating heart
i only want two things
let me hammer these keys
with songs of love behind me
and a cold beer in my hand
during a moments respite
and please please please
promise me one more thing
give me a woman
a genuine one
who understands what it's all like
the need
the desire
the aching
the burning
the hurt when i go without
tapping at these keys
and i suppose
it would be swell
if you made her
beautiful
just like the ones i've
lost
before her....
my friend from work
i went to the bar tonight
with a girl from
work
she says we are friends
that's only because
i didn't want to sleep with her
ruin her
with all my
horribleness
we spoke of great things and how
we should make changes
how our hearts are now laid out
for savages to tear
to tiny pieces as if we
are nothing more than
toys
for them and their
lovely games
we drank
i had a shot and a beer
her
a large drink
we laughed
smoked
and confided in each others
misery
i still havent slept with her
that's because
i admire her
and she doesnt deserve
a monster
like
me
with a girl from
work
she says we are friends
that's only because
i didn't want to sleep with her
ruin her
with all my
horribleness
we spoke of great things and how
we should make changes
how our hearts are now laid out
for savages to tear
to tiny pieces as if we
are nothing more than
toys
for them and their
lovely games
we drank
i had a shot and a beer
her
a large drink
we laughed
smoked
and confided in each others
misery
i still havent slept with her
that's because
i admire her
and she doesnt deserve
a monster
like
me
ghosts in the attic
So this was your fourth appearance
in three nights sleep
where you manifested yourself
to be a central character
the one who mattered most
the one who i woke up
thinking i needed to
phone
it's strange
because i don't love you
i barely even desire you anymore
you're not the one who haunted
like a ghost in an ancient house
and you're not the one who made me
forget about the ghost in the attic
you're nothing
to me
essentially
so, why are you
haunting these hours of slumber
so seductively?
there was no intamacy
no fluids passed
but i woke up this morning
in a frantic frenzy
and thought you were
going to be
my next book to put on the shelf
hoping you would be the one i
re-read everyday of my life
it's the worst feeling
anyone could ever have
to believe someone
beautiful
is next to them
only to realize
it's just their dumb
cat.
in three nights sleep
where you manifested yourself
to be a central character
the one who mattered most
the one who i woke up
thinking i needed to
phone
it's strange
because i don't love you
i barely even desire you anymore
you're not the one who haunted
like a ghost in an ancient house
and you're not the one who made me
forget about the ghost in the attic
you're nothing
to me
essentially
so, why are you
haunting these hours of slumber
so seductively?
there was no intamacy
no fluids passed
but i woke up this morning
in a frantic frenzy
and thought you were
going to be
my next book to put on the shelf
hoping you would be the one i
re-read everyday of my life
it's the worst feeling
anyone could ever have
to believe someone
beautiful
is next to them
only to realize
it's just their dumb
cat.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
The table is not always round
There are often edges
as sharp
as an eagles talon
and as vicious
as silly words
they leave marks
on biceps
that look like teeth
and they cut
they
cut
oh
so
fucking
deep
just words
nothing more
but children dont play for keeps
and adults dont know how to play
when the only game i
tried
raised my hand for
even
is the one
that i hoped
would make
me smile
for a little
longer
what a fool i am
a fool of a took
when i should only accept
my fate
of being a lonely
single
eye
crimson red
filled with hurt
anger
and
dread
time to watch others
for god knows
how
much
this
time...
as sharp
as an eagles talon
and as vicious
as silly words
they leave marks
on biceps
that look like teeth
and they cut
they
cut
oh
so
fucking
deep
just words
nothing more
but children dont play for keeps
and adults dont know how to play
when the only game i
tried
raised my hand for
even
is the one
that i hoped
would make
me smile
for a little
longer
what a fool i am
a fool of a took
when i should only accept
my fate
of being a lonely
single
eye
crimson red
filled with hurt
anger
and
dread
time to watch others
for god knows
how
much
this
time...
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
read read read
The breath of your speech
dies with the silence
while your thoughts dance
with a tango
and a salsa
of men more robust
than i
yet they are so
less than i have
ever been
their arms sell for $21.76
and i can find better whores
for quite less
better women
then just a strong arm
and not a large brain
it's a high note
tap those keys
I am more than you thought
more
come,
to the window
we'll have to do this
to make it like it's real
how cute
another poem
call yourself
a lovely writer
this one
is for you....
dies with the silence
while your thoughts dance
with a tango
and a salsa
of men more robust
than i
yet they are so
less than i have
ever been
their arms sell for $21.76
and i can find better whores
for quite less
better women
then just a strong arm
and not a large brain
it's a high note
tap those keys
I am more than you thought
more
come,
to the window
we'll have to do this
to make it like it's real
how cute
another poem
call yourself
a lovely writer
this one
is for you....
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
a litte too personal, but hey, i said id blog the truth.
well, here we are. I'm just gonna preface this with telling you that if you don't care or want to know something personal about me, turn away now. I probably shouldnt be writing this, and the fact that im fairly sober and doing this is strange. I just have to write right now, i need to get this out or I'm gonna go crazy. So, here i go.. also, i just put "the crow" on tv off of netflix while i write this.. point of that? go ahead, laugh now, but im such a hopeless romantic that its my favorite movie.. if youve seen it or read it, you know why.. so anyway, sigh, ok.. lets get started..
last night, well technically the night before last was not a good night for me. I ventured into a bar by my house with a good female friend of mine and as i went to look at what they had on tap, i was surprised by seeing someone who lives kinda far from the island now. we're friends, but shes better friends with the ex. After the awkward shock of seeing each other faded (it took about 3 seconds) i was told that i had to leave. but not nicely. i was told, i needed to leave "right fucking now". why you say? cause apparently the ex was there herself, just in the bathroom enjoying a little pee pee or whatever. i began to think about arguing the situation as c'mon, were fucking adults, cut it out. but...well she was quite adamant about the fact that i needed to run as if i had some sort of contagious disease and i could not be around to infect other people. Now... what do you do? stand your ground? say, shut up, ill do what i want. i'm an adult and she should be one too? or do you do the proper thing, and respect others wishes.. especially someone you care about...
yeah, as you should have guessed, i respected the wishes and quickly grabbed my friend by the back of her coat and told her that we needed to go.. so we left, and yeah, she was there. as i sat in the car i saw her come out of the bathroom and freak out after being told i had just been there. i watched as we pulled away from the bar and i looked inside seeing her from afar, and she looked outside, watching me in the car... is this the point i mention i couldnt breathe? i was practically hyperventilating and thought my heart was going to punch itself out of its chest.. i didnt even see the girl close up, i barely made her out from far away but knowing she was in the same building as me was enough to make me a mess. a frustrated, sad, angry, self loathing mess..
let me ask you a question... obviously you cant answer me, so i beg you to ask yourself this. What's the worst feeling you can have? Were all different, and this is an open question. There has to be an emotion that just tears you to pieces. that one that youll do anything to avoid. Mine? mine is easy. i hate feeling a lot of things, but the worst one, the absolute worse one, is feeling that i'm not good enough. i cant stand that feeling above all others. especially because contrary to popular belief, im really fucking awesome. i'm good looking, im somewhat fit, im sweet, and when im with a girl i like, i treat her like gold. to the point that ive been told that i do it TOO MUCH. i was once told by this particular girl in the middle of an argument something that sticks with me to this day. she said; "You know your problem? do you? you put me in front of you. You put my needs and wants and feelings before your own." is this a bad thing? i'm still unsure. i still kinda think that in a relationship where real love is involved, the whole point of it is that you both put your partner before yourself.. isnt that what love is supposed to be? you know, the whole "i'll take a bullet for you," thing? isnt that the point? well, not so much according to this girl. but i digress..
so we left. we went somewhere else, and thank god for my friend because she kept me from downing a bottle of booze and smashing it against my own throat. i felt better, a bit, but not really. I just you know, kept on keeping on man. what else was i gonna do? cant contact her, she would have contacted me if that was the case. i did feel better that after 15-20 minutes of bitching/moaning/tearing my friend said to me; "you know shes doing the same thing right now". i guess that sort of made me feel better, but not a lot. it should of though, right? nope. why? well, cause i care so much that i dont want her to feel those feelings of sadness.
God im such a fucking sucker and sap sometimes.
So i dont know what im really getting at here in writing this except that if youre reading this, dont do what i do. dont put one of those black hearted monsters on a pedestal. or if you're a woman, dont put some useless dickhead on a pedestal, because they just arent worth it.. easier said than done, i know, but i feel better sharing this and telling you that cause maybe 1 out of 10 will actually listen to me. Feeling like youre not enough isnt cool. cause regardless of any situation you/i am good enough, just not for people whos not worth it. But then there's the other problem.. i can get women, fairly easily.. but they just arent her.. and if youre not her, well dear, youre not good enough. and thats just not fair to anyone. especially the ladies.. this is gonna need to change, and i think i have a solid plan for it.
black magick. or at least, Chaos magick. snicker all you want, it does wonders for the self.
so after this rant i suppose ill leave you with a poem.. im writing this at 7:42 am and on the fly, so bear with it.. im not even sure what's gonna come out of me while i do this but those are always the best, arent they? the madness brings the best out of an artist.. eventually ill be paid for these, so enjoy this one for free you fucking cocksuckers..
Often the lines get
crossed
twisted and bewitched
jagged to the point that there
is no end in sight
but you walk that line
follow it till the end
dead end
so you turn around
not before though
you see her across the gap
the chasm that is on the
other line
the other path you cant reach
and you see her
all the beauty
all that ass
all that
fun and
happiness
she makes you feel
like no woman before or after
makes you imagine
shes right there
right across the fucking
open hole you cant get
across
retreat is the only option
the sane thing to do
yet you leap
with arms stretched out in faith
praying to an unknown god
that you'll make it across
at least to the ledge
she's right there
if only you could pull
will
yourself
up
to have your lips meet hers
one
last
time
but your strength fails you
its fleeting just like
her desire
so you scream her name
to help
pull you
up
but she just stands there
frozen
afraid
and you slip
swiftly
and your everything
is no
more
as you plummet
into the chasm
the
deep
deep
chasm
of despair
never to touch those lips
even
one
more
time
so you say good-bye
and embrace the
darkness
as it
envelopes
all you've ever been
remembering
as you plummet
you're
just
not
good
enough...
last night, well technically the night before last was not a good night for me. I ventured into a bar by my house with a good female friend of mine and as i went to look at what they had on tap, i was surprised by seeing someone who lives kinda far from the island now. we're friends, but shes better friends with the ex. After the awkward shock of seeing each other faded (it took about 3 seconds) i was told that i had to leave. but not nicely. i was told, i needed to leave "right fucking now". why you say? cause apparently the ex was there herself, just in the bathroom enjoying a little pee pee or whatever. i began to think about arguing the situation as c'mon, were fucking adults, cut it out. but...well she was quite adamant about the fact that i needed to run as if i had some sort of contagious disease and i could not be around to infect other people. Now... what do you do? stand your ground? say, shut up, ill do what i want. i'm an adult and she should be one too? or do you do the proper thing, and respect others wishes.. especially someone you care about...
yeah, as you should have guessed, i respected the wishes and quickly grabbed my friend by the back of her coat and told her that we needed to go.. so we left, and yeah, she was there. as i sat in the car i saw her come out of the bathroom and freak out after being told i had just been there. i watched as we pulled away from the bar and i looked inside seeing her from afar, and she looked outside, watching me in the car... is this the point i mention i couldnt breathe? i was practically hyperventilating and thought my heart was going to punch itself out of its chest.. i didnt even see the girl close up, i barely made her out from far away but knowing she was in the same building as me was enough to make me a mess. a frustrated, sad, angry, self loathing mess..
let me ask you a question... obviously you cant answer me, so i beg you to ask yourself this. What's the worst feeling you can have? Were all different, and this is an open question. There has to be an emotion that just tears you to pieces. that one that youll do anything to avoid. Mine? mine is easy. i hate feeling a lot of things, but the worst one, the absolute worse one, is feeling that i'm not good enough. i cant stand that feeling above all others. especially because contrary to popular belief, im really fucking awesome. i'm good looking, im somewhat fit, im sweet, and when im with a girl i like, i treat her like gold. to the point that ive been told that i do it TOO MUCH. i was once told by this particular girl in the middle of an argument something that sticks with me to this day. she said; "You know your problem? do you? you put me in front of you. You put my needs and wants and feelings before your own." is this a bad thing? i'm still unsure. i still kinda think that in a relationship where real love is involved, the whole point of it is that you both put your partner before yourself.. isnt that what love is supposed to be? you know, the whole "i'll take a bullet for you," thing? isnt that the point? well, not so much according to this girl. but i digress..
so we left. we went somewhere else, and thank god for my friend because she kept me from downing a bottle of booze and smashing it against my own throat. i felt better, a bit, but not really. I just you know, kept on keeping on man. what else was i gonna do? cant contact her, she would have contacted me if that was the case. i did feel better that after 15-20 minutes of bitching/moaning/tearing my friend said to me; "you know shes doing the same thing right now". i guess that sort of made me feel better, but not a lot. it should of though, right? nope. why? well, cause i care so much that i dont want her to feel those feelings of sadness.
God im such a fucking sucker and sap sometimes.
So i dont know what im really getting at here in writing this except that if youre reading this, dont do what i do. dont put one of those black hearted monsters on a pedestal. or if you're a woman, dont put some useless dickhead on a pedestal, because they just arent worth it.. easier said than done, i know, but i feel better sharing this and telling you that cause maybe 1 out of 10 will actually listen to me. Feeling like youre not enough isnt cool. cause regardless of any situation you/i am good enough, just not for people whos not worth it. But then there's the other problem.. i can get women, fairly easily.. but they just arent her.. and if youre not her, well dear, youre not good enough. and thats just not fair to anyone. especially the ladies.. this is gonna need to change, and i think i have a solid plan for it.
black magick. or at least, Chaos magick. snicker all you want, it does wonders for the self.
so after this rant i suppose ill leave you with a poem.. im writing this at 7:42 am and on the fly, so bear with it.. im not even sure what's gonna come out of me while i do this but those are always the best, arent they? the madness brings the best out of an artist.. eventually ill be paid for these, so enjoy this one for free you fucking cocksuckers..
Often the lines get
crossed
twisted and bewitched
jagged to the point that there
is no end in sight
but you walk that line
follow it till the end
dead end
so you turn around
not before though
you see her across the gap
the chasm that is on the
other line
the other path you cant reach
and you see her
all the beauty
all that ass
all that
fun and
happiness
she makes you feel
like no woman before or after
makes you imagine
shes right there
right across the fucking
open hole you cant get
across
retreat is the only option
the sane thing to do
yet you leap
with arms stretched out in faith
praying to an unknown god
that you'll make it across
at least to the ledge
she's right there
if only you could pull
will
yourself
up
to have your lips meet hers
one
last
time
but your strength fails you
its fleeting just like
her desire
so you scream her name
to help
pull you
up
but she just stands there
frozen
afraid
and you slip
swiftly
and your everything
is no
more
as you plummet
into the chasm
the
deep
deep
chasm
of despair
never to touch those lips
even
one
more
time
so you say good-bye
and embrace the
darkness
as it
envelopes
all you've ever been
remembering
as you plummet
you're
just
not
good
enough...
Friday, February 01, 2013
Sad Realizations..
So sometimes you tend to be up late at night, as i usually am, and these sudden realizations come to you. Often times, they are either good or bad, but there are like pieces of epiphanies. You have to take the good with the bad i guess. You can crack another beer, maybe another, and another, and another, and hope that bad one fades away--but it wont. It's like a slimy cunt that wont leave you alone. It's there, and now you KNOW its there. God, it can be so debilitating. I suppose here's a thinly veiled attempt to tell you what they were. "Thinly veiled" because I haven't fully accepted things yet. I'm not ready, and it's not worth it yet, to really let you know who I'm talking about. Start this blog from the beginning and you'll know why one of the prettiest ones went away--but then again, you probably dont know my entire body of short story work.
Start at the beginning,
But for now, here goes my sudden feeling of inadequacy.
I love women, i really do. What straight dude doesn't? Seriously. Women are the most beautiful creatures on earth, they really are. They are also black hearted monsters that live to suck every last drop of decency and hope from your soul. Don't sit there going; "oh no, you're so wrong, WE are..."-- shut the fuck up. You are all black hearted monsters. I love you though, i love you all. I love every woman, big, small, fat, skinny, hot, ugly, i even love the pathetic looking monsters. I love you all. Will i sleep with all of you? Certainly not. I have to have some sort of moral standing, don't i? It's not against you, I'm sure youre a wonderful girl. Just not a girl for me.
See? I'm serious about that. I really do love and care for all of you-- my dick just isnt going into all of you.
So back to my inadequacy. Well, lets start at the beginning of it. I've been obsessed with a woman who i used to have and simply put, cant get back. Why am i so obsessed? well, simply put, she's more attractive than any girl you have. sorry dick. it's true. she was hands down the prettiest girl ive ever had, and one of the most fun. She was also a crazy lunatic with super princess syndrome, but hey, we are arent perfect. you know? So, I've been measuring every woman since her up these standards, and for some reason they have grown larger than life. I don't believe she was really the end all to be all, but my psyche has convinced itself that if they dont live up to her attractiveness, then you just arent good enough.
blah blah blah blah, "get over it asshole," blah blah blah "you're a dick."
ok, i get it. just cut the shit. now, lets get to the real insecurity because as much as i've felt for this past woman, i thought/think there is one that may change that. Thing is, it's never that easy. God, I wish it was.
So there's this other lady whom I felt originally that for all intensive purposes I should be able to lock down. and I don't mean anything i say here in a derogatory way. In actuality, I'm pretty serious about this. It turns out that I'm wrong, and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I mean, i get it, i sort of...no, no i dont. The first one to really ruin me i chased longer and harder than any man i personally know has ever done. In fact, i was so criticized about how much shit i put up with that most; correction: all of my friends shit all over me for dealing what i dealt with. She was worth it, so they can all shut the fuck up, but now, now is different. I don't feel like i need to jump through these hoops anymore. How much of my own blood do i need to spill to prove my worth?
So this other girl, she's the first one for a very long time that I feel more the need to talk, listen, and hand hold with than i do to just put the boots too. A very, very, very rare occurrence. So the inadequacy your saying? Yeah, i'm clearly not good enough. And i dont know why, i have my normal situations as to what i may not be good enough, but from my knowledge, she is supposed to be over that. Shouldn't the focus be on love and affection and all that jazz? It's not though. The focus grows more and more on finances than it does on eating mac and cheese while being in love. It breaks my heart. There's also the fact that i faintly tried and was considered a creep for acting out of the norm. Am i that bad of dude?
silly girl. I'm way more of a man than any dude you've recently taken over me, and way way more of what you need to fix that hole in your heart, than whats going to make it better, She will pick and choose from a plethora of suitors, herself, chasing the same thing i am. Yet, her choices seem to make me feel so inadequate that i want to run and hide from everything i cant have. This doesn't sit well with someone who thinks they can basically have for most part, anyone woman he speaks to. Now, i know i dont have the financial means to hold a lot of women, but when im looking for more than a sex partner, this should never matter. Like i said, i gave it a faint try, i would have tried harder but i was cockblocked just as i thought i had finally made a dent in her impenetrable armor. I dont blame her for her armor, everyone, even the prettiest girl on the block has dents in their armor. what i blame her for is giving chumps, dudes, nobody worth the salt i sweat-- a chance at making her happy. i can handle a good old-- "this doesnt look like its going to work," not everyone is meant to be with each other. I'd be okay if thats the way the cards were dealt. I'm just not okay when a donkey gets a better shot at proving his worth when i know my own outshines theirs like the first sunrise in alaska after 6 months of darkness.
So in retrospect, even i feel the notion of inadequacy. I feel it so stongly from this newly found woman of my distorted dreams. I'm not going to sit here and say shes the "one". That would be a fools statement. I will sit here and say over and over, that shes good enough that I'm willing to try and find out-- except I'm not good enough in her four eyes to discover if i'm a failure or a success.
I just want an honest shot at being a success for once.... . . . . . .
Start at the beginning,
But for now, here goes my sudden feeling of inadequacy.
I love women, i really do. What straight dude doesn't? Seriously. Women are the most beautiful creatures on earth, they really are. They are also black hearted monsters that live to suck every last drop of decency and hope from your soul. Don't sit there going; "oh no, you're so wrong, WE are..."-- shut the fuck up. You are all black hearted monsters. I love you though, i love you all. I love every woman, big, small, fat, skinny, hot, ugly, i even love the pathetic looking monsters. I love you all. Will i sleep with all of you? Certainly not. I have to have some sort of moral standing, don't i? It's not against you, I'm sure youre a wonderful girl. Just not a girl for me.
See? I'm serious about that. I really do love and care for all of you-- my dick just isnt going into all of you.
So back to my inadequacy. Well, lets start at the beginning of it. I've been obsessed with a woman who i used to have and simply put, cant get back. Why am i so obsessed? well, simply put, she's more attractive than any girl you have. sorry dick. it's true. she was hands down the prettiest girl ive ever had, and one of the most fun. She was also a crazy lunatic with super princess syndrome, but hey, we are arent perfect. you know? So, I've been measuring every woman since her up these standards, and for some reason they have grown larger than life. I don't believe she was really the end all to be all, but my psyche has convinced itself that if they dont live up to her attractiveness, then you just arent good enough.
blah blah blah blah, "get over it asshole," blah blah blah "you're a dick."
ok, i get it. just cut the shit. now, lets get to the real insecurity because as much as i've felt for this past woman, i thought/think there is one that may change that. Thing is, it's never that easy. God, I wish it was.
So there's this other lady whom I felt originally that for all intensive purposes I should be able to lock down. and I don't mean anything i say here in a derogatory way. In actuality, I'm pretty serious about this. It turns out that I'm wrong, and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I mean, i get it, i sort of...no, no i dont. The first one to really ruin me i chased longer and harder than any man i personally know has ever done. In fact, i was so criticized about how much shit i put up with that most; correction: all of my friends shit all over me for dealing what i dealt with. She was worth it, so they can all shut the fuck up, but now, now is different. I don't feel like i need to jump through these hoops anymore. How much of my own blood do i need to spill to prove my worth?
So this other girl, she's the first one for a very long time that I feel more the need to talk, listen, and hand hold with than i do to just put the boots too. A very, very, very rare occurrence. So the inadequacy your saying? Yeah, i'm clearly not good enough. And i dont know why, i have my normal situations as to what i may not be good enough, but from my knowledge, she is supposed to be over that. Shouldn't the focus be on love and affection and all that jazz? It's not though. The focus grows more and more on finances than it does on eating mac and cheese while being in love. It breaks my heart. There's also the fact that i faintly tried and was considered a creep for acting out of the norm. Am i that bad of dude?
silly girl. I'm way more of a man than any dude you've recently taken over me, and way way more of what you need to fix that hole in your heart, than whats going to make it better, She will pick and choose from a plethora of suitors, herself, chasing the same thing i am. Yet, her choices seem to make me feel so inadequate that i want to run and hide from everything i cant have. This doesn't sit well with someone who thinks they can basically have for most part, anyone woman he speaks to. Now, i know i dont have the financial means to hold a lot of women, but when im looking for more than a sex partner, this should never matter. Like i said, i gave it a faint try, i would have tried harder but i was cockblocked just as i thought i had finally made a dent in her impenetrable armor. I dont blame her for her armor, everyone, even the prettiest girl on the block has dents in their armor. what i blame her for is giving chumps, dudes, nobody worth the salt i sweat-- a chance at making her happy. i can handle a good old-- "this doesnt look like its going to work," not everyone is meant to be with each other. I'd be okay if thats the way the cards were dealt. I'm just not okay when a donkey gets a better shot at proving his worth when i know my own outshines theirs like the first sunrise in alaska after 6 months of darkness.
So in retrospect, even i feel the notion of inadequacy. I feel it so stongly from this newly found woman of my distorted dreams. I'm not going to sit here and say shes the "one". That would be a fools statement. I will sit here and say over and over, that shes good enough that I'm willing to try and find out-- except I'm not good enough in her four eyes to discover if i'm a failure or a success.
I just want an honest shot at being a success for once.... . . . . . .
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Come spring
So, i crack this next beer and although i dont want it, i feel i need it. Not because i want it, i dont feel the need to finish this beer, but it's what im doing that requires it. I'm watching "Born Into This"-- if you don't know what that is, it's a pretty decent biography of Bukowski-- The Father. He's a madman, a man who refused to let the world to bring him down. I also relate to him on another way. He had a horrible young life, and although mine wasnt that bad, it was pretty bad family wise, but it wasnt that bad, but his acne made him who he was. I get that. I do.
Do you know what its like to be shunned by the entire clique of high school? too have the lonliness stare at you every second of every day?
This world, the people we have grown, have no place to understand what comes of that. The hatred and bullyness has no love when thats all that there should be. This world will eat you alive if you give it the chance. These people will kill you if you let them bring the knife closer to your throat. It will knick you, right on the side of your neck, and then you will feel the blade of the pain, of years and years, of being an outcast. Do you think a knick on your throat hurts? it doesnt, it probably barely, well, you wont know, but i do, it barely feels like anything more than a kitten clawing at a plaything. You'll pick the kitten up a dozen times, knowing full well that it will claw at your neck almost every time.
but you pick it up.
you want to hold it, to coddle it
to love it.
its so adorable
its the thing that makes you feel
human again
it makes you feel like
you have a
heart
but its ruined time and time again
the cantos arent about you
they arent about
me
wait until spring
kid
because John would want
you
too
Do you know what its like to be shunned by the entire clique of high school? too have the lonliness stare at you every second of every day?
This world, the people we have grown, have no place to understand what comes of that. The hatred and bullyness has no love when thats all that there should be. This world will eat you alive if you give it the chance. These people will kill you if you let them bring the knife closer to your throat. It will knick you, right on the side of your neck, and then you will feel the blade of the pain, of years and years, of being an outcast. Do you think a knick on your throat hurts? it doesnt, it probably barely, well, you wont know, but i do, it barely feels like anything more than a kitten clawing at a plaything. You'll pick the kitten up a dozen times, knowing full well that it will claw at your neck almost every time.
but you pick it up.
you want to hold it, to coddle it
to love it.
its so adorable
its the thing that makes you feel
human again
it makes you feel like
you have a
heart
but its ruined time and time again
the cantos arent about you
they arent about
me
wait until spring
kid
because John would want
you
too
love is a dog from hell...
They tend to come
whether you want
them
or you
dont
its true
like the color of the
sky
or the truth
of the world
they
come
especially when you find
one
always
one
they can make all the
pain
go away
fade away
like the wilting of a
flower
you've never even
seen
she can make it feel
like the most beautiful thing
in the
world
these concepts are no longer
worth my time
because you will never
pay the tab
of this
bill
it's too high
and this heart
beats
on and on
on and on
on and on
but it's not for
you
to feel
is it?
whether you want
them
or you
dont
its true
like the color of the
sky
or the truth
of the world
they
come
especially when you find
one
always
one
they can make all the
pain
go away
fade away
like the wilting of a
flower
you've never even
seen
she can make it feel
like the most beautiful thing
in the
world
these concepts are no longer
worth my time
because you will never
pay the tab
of this
bill
it's too high
and this heart
beats
on and on
on and on
on and on
but it's not for
you
to feel
is it?
like them
So now i want to listen
to only classical music
to artists
musicians
men of another color
one's how heard another beat
another slow rythum of
difference
the beautiful embrace of
pianos
violins
bass'es
that
stand up
within the cold standard
of how hard we die
day by
day
we
are
dying
with no remorse
for what we could
have
been
without what these
tellers
have told
us
about how were supposed
to
be
like
them
to only classical music
to artists
musicians
men of another color
one's how heard another beat
another slow rythum of
difference
the beautiful embrace of
pianos
violins
bass'es
that
stand up
within the cold standard
of how hard we die
day by
day
we
are
dying
with no remorse
for what we could
have
been
without what these
tellers
have told
us
about how were supposed
to
be
like
them
Red Lobster
I think maybe tomorrow
then again
maybe not cause of
work
maybe Wednesday
I'm off that day
so maybe on wednesday
i'll take the ferry
then the train
and another
train
i'll go back to where
grandpa and i
used to battle the fates
the God's screamed at me
then
they
thought
they
could
beat
me
but they couldn't
at the end of the day
i'd buy the old man
a nice glass
of rum and a lobster
as we waited
for the
fucking traffic
to
stop
then again
maybe not cause of
work
maybe Wednesday
I'm off that day
so maybe on wednesday
i'll take the ferry
then the train
and another
train
i'll go back to where
grandpa and i
used to battle the fates
the God's screamed at me
then
they
thought
they
could
beat
me
but they couldn't
at the end of the day
i'd buy the old man
a nice glass
of rum and a lobster
as we waited
for the
fucking traffic
to
stop
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