Ok, so i now i havnt made an entry in awhile.. mass miscommunication... anyway, im making one now.. Im at work and man do i hate this place but thats neither here nor there. Since i do nothing but read and think all day, i suddenly had a thought i felt like sharing. if i go off on a bit of a rant here, well thats the point... I am so fucking sick and tired of playing this role that ive somehow found myself trapped in for like over 2 years now, i realized that ive been working on this book about women and such and all the stories are about nothing ever working out, so i was wondering what exactly the reason could be.. ive come toa conclusion that my whole "being the nice guy" to chicks is fucking useless.. it gets thrown in my face time and time and time again and ive yet to learn, well i think ive learned a thing or two finally.. gone are going to be the days of me not wanting to hurt feelings and actually caring, i think its time i join the ranks of the majority of the male population and just not give a fuck.. im gonna start caring about getting it out  and its simple as that.. next girl i find out at the bar, im not gonna be nice and friendly, im going to simply take the slut home and fuck till my hearts content, and then throw her the fuck out of my house.. and if the bitch is lucky, maybe ill call her in a week or so she can see me again.. this whole not playing games thing is total rubbish, women are so fucking stupid (sorry for those of you who are reading this that are women, actually nope im not sorry.. fuck you) that all they really want is to be treated like shit.. and they will say "no, no thats not what we want" yea well i believe more in seeing jesus in 5 minutes then i do in what they say.. hows that sound? so im officially turning myself into an emotional vampyre and a total fucking prick.. its not so hard, ive been a prick most of my life so im sure i can be an even worse one.. so to the next chick that i happen to run across watch the fuck out, because your gonna be the poor recipient who has to deal with me no longer giving a fuck... whats prompted this? too much... im fucking done.. done done done.. that and im going to get into more fist-fights... man do i really wanna punch somebody in the fucking mouth lately..  so to conclude.. from now on being nice is OUT and fucking, throwing away, and mistreating, and o yea fist-fights are in... im officially getting my wieght up.. fuck you....

so im trying to write this poem
something to cure this fever and pain
but the rain keeps pouring down
and theres no light for me to follow
and it wont come out the way i want it too
and i dont want to offend a reader
and im scared to fall again
but its too late
and im already on the fucking floor
im drinking to stay warm
and kill selected memories
nobody else really gives a shit
except this schitzo friend i call mine
he comes out after a few drinks
and begs for the perfect spring
and the perfect kiss
and the perfect girl
but then he kills her
and any chance for it to be alright
because he wants more of the same
misery and torture
its all his claim to fame
hes dying to be noticed
but wishing to be forgotten
shell forget
it was easy enought for them to learn
they all forget
they all refuse to forgive
cept one
but i killed her
that cunt asked for it
im never enough
and alwasy too sweet
well brush this painted bruise
off my broken face
your stalker hit me last nite
i tried to act tough
i tried to be something other then me
this dream in my brain wont go away
it came along a few nights ago
nobody was around to tell me not so
now its stuck and is breathing all my air
suffocating this glow in the dark
fucked up heart
im confused
was it really you?
did this have any meaning?
no no no
its a horrible ghost
of a vague fleeting hope
i made up to make myself feel better
to let atrocities go
commited felonies against my heart
someone needs to do some jail time
they all need to die
who should i start with?
you? or you? or how about the bringer of the first?
this sun rises and then it sets
im still waiting for the moon
and some rain to go have it wash away
these blood soaked hands
i tried to cut my own heart out
but it wasnt even there
i think someone else stole it
im gonna cut that bitch
when i find out who she was
im gonna shank her good
and then shove my dick in her mouth
and make her pay
thats really the only way
im sick of being the fucking servant
master and puppeteer is what i should be
too bad i cant cut these strings that keep getting pulled
and thier hands are molding a perfect speciman
for fools and lonliness
and deserted half truths
of promises ive never made to you
only a glimmer of patience
and a waver of speed
with time as the host
i accepted thee
the priest who gave that communion
must havce been in works with the devil
time wasted
so fucking god damn fucking cliche
it hurts to type
it hurts to breath
but this drink is soothing to the soul
it makes it numb
it makes me dumb
it makes me everything i can never be
something fancy
how precious
how curious
lets dance
so you can laugh
and make me the laughing stock of your jokes
everyone needs something
i need to find this heart
that was stolen
and shit
i know you need a good laugh
well its here
its waiting
for some more fucking littered streets
of a mind
dueling with left behinds
and batterd bruises
made by unforgiving words
they werent mine
they werent from these lips
that seem so poisoned
when the poisen hasnt passed them for a night
drink from this poison
how youve grown to cherish it
how youve slowly dehabilited me
this home doesnt seem the same
these drunken nights
fade and click
photos of somewhere i dont remember to have been
its irrelevant really
this is alll just a hoax
concocted by your schemeing
lets sail away
dissapearing
then you can throw me off the boat
and do us both a favor
with a whisper and a kiss
i thank you
for unlacing these eyes
they were dreaming
and inventing perfect situations
for a midnight kiss
a sensual tryst
and it echoes through
standing in a world
invented but inviting
i never got the invitation
must have been lost in the mail
scattered i clean your hair
velvet on this chest
it singes through
burns underneath
the endlessness of blue
this is all a horror
a horror of the truth,.,,,

Annointing this trembling throat
with a scented cure
for this poison that is ailing me
of fevers and dreams
with broken mirrors
and shitlaced screams
of foolish depravity
for things that werent meant to be
and dancing girls
entwine with lips locked
inviting another thats not me
and this wound is worn
blatantly on my sleeve
a timely fashion seemed proper
i wanted to change
everything you need
is nothing i can ever be
and this decaying liver
is getting more work
and im praying more
for rain
and to be something other then me
this cigarette is burning
and my lungs are filling
with liquor
stained with fleeting memories
the doctor said i had 34 days
you would be away for 33
and the one before was with the wolves
they never seem to go away
so sweet and innocent
lost with every hit i take
your face shone so bright
against the backdrop of the moon
and my hand cupped and ready
pathetic and thoughtfull
dropped to three knees
one to hold my own weight
and two for yours
started out broken
so quickly replaced
not up to par
too caring for the likes of
anyone
ill close the bar
and spit on the floor
it reminds me of what could have been
this morning it was clean
now its ridduled with dirt and grime
images of my soul
ill spit on that too
you dont know how it feels
and everything is never fine...

My dissillusioned thoughts flutter
across a memory thats no good for me
a thought held with upside down frowns
quickly changes to stares
focus on the blade
no need in trusting a heart
and there is no mind left to converse with
i waited for a sign from god
all i got was a nod from hell
now this rain beats on my window sills
and this phone rings with wonder
im not answering
and im not calling
im not talking
promises spoken in dead time
while i slept
broken cracked and shattered
like the peices of the mirror
stranded on the floor
this bloody fist
tastes like wine
of a sour kind

well im going to quit my go nowhere job soon and im going to spit in some cunts face when i do it... that where thats at... sometimes i wonder if this life is worth living.. i mean everything is an up and a down, but its always so far to each extreme...the only constants i have is the bottle and my misery and i keep them close by beacsue they are all i have...tomorrow i drop the bike off to be fixed.. if its more then $100 im fucked.. so lets get ready to get fucked folks... the script for my boy is late, my story is stil not done and she stil isnt calling.. but fuck her is the recent development.. so there.. too bad im a bad liar.. too bad i cant take the good things that get presented to me.. i have to make everything difficult.. the sun rises and the sun sets on an empty bed and a shallow heart... the bank tide flows and the sillouhette of a new face shimmers off the water.. it decays and hisses at every approach... every approach, wanted hours before, denied in a moments passing... i need a way to make a decenmt amouint of money, i need to get out of here.. Jaco, LA, fucking mexico.. i dont care anymore.. somewhere other \then here.. somewhere where nobody knows my name because its riddled with nothing but hurt, regret and sorrow for all who come close.. i dont want to drag anyone else down with me... im sorry..

what i need is a revolver with a single bullet to show the truth
a crowd echoes muttering sympathies
with visitation rights
stricken from the record
my world began to fall
you turned and ran
before miscomunicated presumptions
like ghosts mutter
and whisper like children
secrets the parents cant hear
dreams they will loose 16 years from now
i scream and shout the way i do
i just dont un-love the same as you
now i throw it all away
turn-coat
silver coated upside down
my four leaf clover
i burned you
torched, flamed, and decreed
the way i do
im scared
twilight gardens
hanging mist of fortunes past
and memories clinging like flies to shit
100 nights ive laid my head to sleep
99 ive dreampt
fingers slither
wrists shiver
and this body aches
like telegraphs with the good-bye message
it hovers over this dreary pillow
golden crusted
porcelian tears
make shift baby doll
smashed with a flick of a wrist
and a perfect hit
lips wet with excitement
all those things
i didnt mean a word
i meant it all
a liar in sheeps skin
a pussy in a man's clothing
soldier to a personal vietnam
brother to an only child
regret slides down my throat
welcome my friend!
its only been half a day
how ive missed you so
its been lonely without you
take it all away wont you?
just take it all away
this mind is not made up for two
seven sevens seven times in a row
jackpot
for you not me
forty-five and one
miles away from here
stories how i'd love to hear
7 feet under and there is no care
dead for a year
new birth equals new death
precious baby
left abandoned
haunted by words of make belive
and thoughts of skin
temple made of flesh
desacrated in days time
no space and time
no transendence
forget decadence
its faded
chilvary is dead
and mortal desires seem unwanted
delivery from a black winged bird
ive been crying
and she hasnt even been thinking
dear diary
dear diary
why am i so alone?
its just you and me
another night
another empty bottle
bleed me dry
razor sharp
denial
these lies arent made for one
the king of shit
remains
queenless
and waiting for the rain
to clean the kingdom
and let it begin again
i just wanna be home again
sweet unfiltered arms
and tender lips
the brow is never dry enough
and these cheeks are never pale enough
forever red with shame
and forever still this heart
nots beat
when i think of heaven
theres no thinking of me
id be in service
to a one and only queen
but ive been drinking
kissing the bottle
when i should have been kissing her
smashing mirrors
because they remind me
please let me in out of the rain...