upon request... 2 pages from the Saga that seems to never end... and my i say that after loosing full control last nite i just might be pulling everything together again.. now all i need is a good binder involving lots of booze and a casino.. any of you nice ladies want to sponser me? i cant promise a return on the money but im gonna try me best.... worst case scenario ill become your slave for a bit.... without further adu.. pages 20 n 21... enjoy people...

“So friggen what? So take care of this tonight and then you can try and patch things up with Guenivere at a later date. Why are you sweating this bitch so hard? She dissed you already, she’s not gonna fucking call you back either way. You know this, I know this, and Drew over here knows this. Just fucking realize it already, she wants nothing to do with you anymore. You fucked that one up, simple as that. And to top it all off, Guenivere isnt even half as hot as this bitch is.”
Those words rang through my head like a shotgun blast repeatedly going off. “You fucked that one up.” There was no getting around it, there was nothing i could do about it. I had ruined it with her and now it was over. Time and time again, whenever i found one that i really liked, i found a way to fuck it up. How could i do this again? I swore to myself that i wouldnt let this happen with her, this time around it was going to be the real thing. There is no real thing when it comes to affairs of the heart, just a lock of hair that you stare at everynight they aren’t there, and shattered glass everwhere because every mirror you see reminds you of her. A wave of depression came crashing down on me and covered me like a blanket of self-loathing.
Mary came back with two of her friends and everyone quickly introduced each other. I went from a not wanting to leave the house to a a big great fucking triple date party. All i wanted now was to get drunk and be left alone but it was far too late for that, only thing left to do was keep drinking until i died (or at least that was the plan). Satori and Drew without hesitation both picked one of her friends and paired up with them. On all normal accounts it would have been a perfect situation, Mary was gorgeous and both her friends were almost as hot as her. I finally got the prettiest one and i didn’t even want her was all i could think. I needed another drink already so i grabbed Mary and took her up to the bar with me.
“What do you want to drink?”
“Ummmm, just get me a Kronenberg.” Well at least this girl knew her beers.
I got our drinks and we went back to join the rest of the pack. Looking around everyone seemed so happy, everyone was smiling and laughing. I felt myself putting on the same face but i was dying inside, every fiber within me was screaming for notice. Every word that rolled off her tounge was a shot to my temple, a fistfull of pins and a pocket full of daggers. It was all just a reminder of Guenivere and how i would never get the girl. What was the point of even talking to Mary anyway? No matter what happened, im sure i would find a way to fuck it up eventually. I finished my drink in two hits and it was apparently decided to go to another bar.
I got outside and lit a cigarette, the first drag in that state is always the most fullfilling.
“Hey, can i have one of those?” She asked me.
“Sure sweetheart, but they are Marlboro red’s. I dont know if thats too strong for you.”
“Too strong for me? Hahaha, thats what i smoke silly. I figure that if your gonna smoke cigarettes then fuck you might as well smoke a real cigarette.”
“My sentiments exactly, to tell you the truth.”
“So are you ok and all? Do you not want us to hang out with you guys?”
“That’s kind out of nowhere. Why would you say something like that?”
“I dunno, it’s just you don’t really seem all that into me or anything thats going on right now.” This was my chance to just get rid of her and go somewhere else alone to keep drinking. She was giving me the oppurtunity and all i had to do was take it. I might have even been able to do it in such a way that didnt even hurt her feelings.
“I’m sorry, its just that you met me on a bad night i guess. I just have alot of shit on my mind so im kind of out of it. I wasn’t even going to come out but these guys insisted and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I am really having fun with you though, even if it doesnt look like it. Im definately glad i met you, so don’t worry.”
“So what’s on your mind then?”
“How about if i promise to not think about it for the rest of the night and then i’ll just tell you another time?”
“Ok, i’ll go along with that but your gonna have to tell me eventually.” She just smiled and put her arm around mine as we walked. What the fuck was i thinking? That was my out, now i have to pull it all together and i was already so drunk. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to keep her around, shit seemed cool enough there was only one problem. She wasn’t Guenivere. We walked inside and before i had a chance to order drinks the bartender walked over and handed me a Jameson. I got Mary a drink and we went over to the jukebox to play a few songs.
“So what do you wanna hear?”
“See if they have any “My Chemical Romance,” i really like them.”
“Really? That’s crazy cuz they are one of my favorite bands right now. It’s nice to see you have good taste in music.”
“That’s not all i have good taste in.” She said as she leaned over to kiss me and i realized i was trapped. If i didn’t kiss her back then i would be scarred from ever talking to her again (even though i kept telling myself that i didnt care but alas a beautifull woman is hard to pass up) but if i kissed her then deal would be signed and sealed. I was too drunk to even care anymore and she was too beautifull to say no. I accepted her kiss and leaned foward having her lips meet mine. Her lips felt so soft and to my surprise she was an amazing kisser. There is nothing worse then kissing a girl for the first time to find out that she has no idea what the fuck she is doing. There have been many a girls where thier first kiss was also their last for this reason alone. You can’t teach someone to bea good kisser either, i tried once and it failed miserably.
When we finally pulled back from each other i looked straight at her and she was biting the side of her lip. I knew full well what this meant because i found myself doing everytime i kissed Guenivere. She was into me and mine if all i would do was what i should have done right at that moment. I lacked the guster and the get go, i lacked the desire because my artiries were blocked with clots of Guenivere. I was choking on love that hadn’t even had a chance to materialize, i was suffocating myself without acknowledgeing it.
“What’s that face all about?” I asked her.
“Nothing, its just that i want another one of those already.” God she had such a cute smile, i was starting to get entranced in her eyes when i felt a pitchfork poke me in the right side of my face. That bastard devil who sits there was reminding me of Guenivere and refused to let it go. I had no choice but to listen to him, he was right again. I drained my drink and felt myself slip over that edge of drunk and too drunk. Trying to keep some sort of focus was almost impossible. I sat there with her doing my best to keep composure and slowly sipping my next drink. She was beyond drunk herself but i seriously doubted if she was anywhere near the level i had attained.
.

dont u want more???

if your of the female race then you should die... high skool games where cool 7 years ago but now im too crazy and this is too real.. its too late to be gracious, you really dont warrant long good-byes but i wouldnt mind if you called too late cuz i woulod still answer... and im afraid of americans, and im afraid of me... im afraid... so im going to go the bar and get an ego rub....... maybe theres someone better out there, or maybe the truth hurts too much because jesus hates me and theres nothing mroe too it.... i cant help it, the ruiner follows me hiding in my shadows making a mockery of everything i stand for. whos got he hard drugs? im looking... and im starving, starving for something real, something more then what i hace... something i lost, something i lost,, guenivere.. such a pretty name.., too bad i gaveit too such a cunt... die die die die,. your reading this?> yea you can die too... ill comb my hair back and i want pussy and cars... im an american....

In this hanging garden
the flowers wither and decay
pixie dust not enough of a remedy
brutality and viciousness
we dance like lovers
loathing each other
while begging for another note
to stand handless
loveless tonight
i'll fall asleep
visions of masqueraded balls
and quaint disguises
hiding shame of disgrace
marked by smiles
and tender lips
skinned to be all thats left
a ghost of nights so easily forgotten
make a tourniquet
there's no stopping this bleeding
slit throat
and the blade is clutched in your fist
reminder of something youve never seen
perfect day
sunshine daydream
opputune time to sever ties
promises are nothing more then breaths
mistaken for meaning
and i swore i would die for you
just not like this
and i swore i would lay down all vices
now ive picked up my worst
hours pass
and days seem to fade
without a notice
i'm just thinking about spilling blood
not the precious kind
but the insignificant
mine
would look so good soaking in your sheets
with four pillows
covering a body not made for light
shadows flicker like a catipiller
saving memories
mental inconstincies
and the right side of this bed is shallow
one foot down seems just right
yet its filled with emtpy dreams
fucking close my eyes
not this night
i will never sleep again
the hook on the ceiling seems so nostalgic
4 feet of rope
would look like it belonged
with dangling feet
and fingers pressed together in prayer
that the door will open
and ill be found there.....

its almost 11 on friday night and i cant get drunk let alone that im not where i wish i was at all.. desire is the fruit of all depression and i really dont like fruit...

Snow is falling on the desert sky
Barren it slopes further down
Trickling and sliding
slithering with a venimous smile
etched perfectly into my dreams
like a storyboard planned
it was all ready to be filmed
cancelled
funds recalled
and answers nowhere to be heard
without a sound
i fashion the answer for it all
and you dont notice
or care
what if i put this to your head?
and dared to turn the trigger
to its true owner
anything for bloodshed.....

Ive decided to open the floodgates once again... Im trying dont you know? Due to circurmstances out of my hands ive had the need to loose it and do this again... i know its been a good while since ive posted as most of you know but here it goes again.. as most of you who know me well know, this thing was my downfall about one year ago this time, and i figure since my face is once again kissing pavement and the heart is bleeding from the sleeve, i might as well go another round with it.. WARNING!!!!!!!!! this will offend a great many of you (as it has done in the past, mainly all you simple minded, half a woman, stupid fucking, self defacating females...) sorry for the tangent but this thing has cost me some great things but im back to not caring and kissing the bottle more then ever.. yea, i had opened the doors and wound up falling inbetween one as it crushed my skull repeatedly so im back to just kissing the bottle.. my only true friend.. so there will be posts almost every day and i promise they will be just as good as the old ones.. im also going to leave snipets of my stories on here for u to see.. the one im working on now is shaping up to be the most emotional and best one yet.. too bad each word i write chips a piece of my soul away but hey, its all for the story, right? well without further adu here is the piece i promised.. the title of this one is tentitvly called "the only broken hearted looser nobody will ever need" or "just please slit my throat now".. im not quite sure cuz they both kind of fit.. heres a piece from the middle.. enjoy and as always... AIM= Hiddenlie and email is HiddenLie@hotmail.com so hit me up with some feedback... before i pull this trigger i just want to look in your eyes one more time, and as my blood spills on your floor ill take off my shirt to soak it up....

“Well that’s good to know i guess.” I took a nice long hit and finished off about a half a beer in one gulp. I was going to need as much alcohol as i could get into my system before they got here. I cracked another one and drained it to perfection in about 3 minutes. Most of the girls went inside as i sat talking to one of her friends when we both realized that they had showed up. We decided that we should go in and say hello so i drained another one real quick, took a deep breath and made my way inside.
“Ohh so your the new boyfriend huh?” Her father imediately said to me.
“Hahaha, well see about that.”
“No hahaha, well see. I heard your the new boyfriend.”
I just smiled at him without much to say. I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries and offend him before i had gained his respect. Gunivere’s cat had become pregnant and her parents were discussing what the kittens were going to be.
“I hope its a boy. Since im apparently not getting grandkids for awhile, i want this thing to have boys.”
Not getting grandkids for awhile! Was this man out of his fucking mind! I wasn’t prepared to father a child. I was having enough trouble taking care of my own fucked up self, let alone bring a child into this world.
“You hear me Aidain? It better be a boy when it comes down to it.” He said to me as he pointed his bony ass finger towards me.
“Hey, do you think i wanna have a girl? Fuck now, my first kid better be a boy” I shot back at him, hoping that it would work. He looked at me for a second and started laughing as he tilted his head towards his wife.
“I like this guy! He’s alright in my book.” I had done it, i had gained some respect from him just like that. After that i was in the clear and anything we said to each other was with at least a tidbit of respect. He still busted my balls whenver he got the chance but at least now i knew he had some respect for me. When they left, he shook my hand and made his departure.
“You did good baby, i think my father likes you.” She leaned over and kissed me as i let out a sigh of relief. It was over and it went off without a problem. Gaining the respect of a girls father wasn’t always the easiest thing to acomplish but i had the feeling that me and him were going to get along just fine. We let the night wind down without much more of importance going on. I had slowed down on my drinking due to the fact that i had so much to do tomorrow but she kept at it like a champ. I know it was horrible to like that in her but i couldnt help it. I liked to dink alot, so i needed a woman who could endorse that and keep up with me when i did it. I kept thinking that everything was turning up Aidan.
We got into bed and talked for what seemed to be hours about things that had no importance on the outside world. I learned how much she already liked me. I learned a bit about her troubled past with guys. When i complimented on how beautiful she looked tonight, she started to freak out on me.
“Stop that. You don’t have to say things like that.”
“I know that i dont have to say anything of the sort. I want to say that too you, because thats how i feel. I mean look at you, i’m so lucky to be laying here next to you. I’m sure theres a ton of guys out there dying for this oppurtunity right now.”
“I don’t think you understand. Boy’s dont like me. I really can’t remember the last time that i had a cute boy hit on me.”
“Your out of your cotten picking mind right now. Are you kidding me? If i seen you in a bar, i would be all over you. I probably wouldnt even waste any time in fear that someone else would get to you before me.”
“Seriously your too sweet. Damn, i want you right now. I still think we should wait alittle while before we sleep together though. I dont want to rush into this.”
“I know babe, its just fine with me. As far as i see it, theres going to be plenty of time for that to come.”
“That’s so true, but i just want you now. No, were going to wait. You need 3 legitimate dates before we do anything.”
“So is this number two? Considering last night was supposed to be a date and all,”
“Nope but well see if we can’t work out some sort of substitution for you.”
I just leaned over and kissed her good-night as she laid her head upon my naked chest. Her hair felt like velvet on my skin, and her skin felt like satin as she pressed it up against mine. Another night i fell asleep making the angels jealous.