Started a new job this week, it might turn out to be extremely profitable.. one year at it and i might be able to buy a house in Jaco... ok maybe a year and a half but either way im gonna try and stick with it.. shit, im going to be getting paid for hitting on real hot women.. life might be real good, then again this might not even work out and ill be bak to the drawing board, who knows but i do know that im actually try to keep a positive outlook on it all, odd i know but i gotta get something going here.. im too miserable lately... either way, ill keep everything posted.. maybe ill leave a long post tomorrow nite.. i just dont fel like writing anything at all right now....

[Other Voices] i Live with
Desertion - and Eight Million
People.

More often then not, you feel alone and hungry for
something with substance. Whats the point of
talking to people who will never relate?


What Cure Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

ok so this is now two nights in a row of pure unadulteraded sobriety and im really not liking it... also, i coughed up blood today, normally i just spit it up sometimes very faintly but today alot of it came up... i think im dying and im not so sure how much i care....

my cigerette is burning
while my throat is closing
one more hit from this drink
ill force it to open up
amidst fairness and despair
clinging to fidelity thats gone wasted
despair thats seeminglessy unnoticed
mixed signals
and i cant find the smoke
so much passion to be aquainted with
more then that
would be neat
your words speak so many lies
in jest
in fun
in time
you will come to see
temperance for me
for everything that could be
another wasted night
i guess i was never able to seal the deal
beaten out by a lesser man
taken for granted
in the grand scheme
of foolish choices
you made one important one
dont you wish this was about you?
if you know who you were
its a shame
you cant really comprehend
something more then colored bracelets...

----*-

ive been wondering if i have an angel. not one in the sense of like "jesus" angel but like an angel thats going to come and make it all right. I often wonder what my next love interest in life is doing, considering i dont know her yet, well maybe i do but if i do its most likely a matter of getting her to warm up to the thought of what possibilites i hold for her.. as gay as it sounds ive downgraded from marlboro reds to lights the other day.. it wa just getting to be too much, it upset me but im over it now. I also dont understand how someone could toy with your emotions and think its all a big joke.. are they just ignorant to the fact that you have this deep down desire that they know about, and want to exploit it so they can get an ego boost... or are they coming around ? sos many questions to ask, with no answers in sight... i hate rich people too, they need to share... im not whining, just saying.. ill be a habit, ill be anything... you dont even have to spare the mercy, ill take it all... please, please me like you want too...

*-*-

up to moment post here people.... im sick and fucking tired of wanting someone who doesnt want me back... im sick and fucking tired of being the "teddy bear". and what i mean by that is this... im such a wonderful guy to love n trust n cudle n make nice with but when it comesfor showtime well the curtain just doesnt want to seem to work... im fucking sick of it, im sick of thinking i need to find a woman cuz i have so many that want me but every fucking one i seem to want refuses to want me... what? whjat? what? im perfect as a "mate" but as something more my worth diminishes?? all you fucking bichtes are crazy.. i swear it. im done wit h it all.. im giving up, im just going to start sleeping with every lil whore that wants it. im going to become a emotional vampyre and prey oin thier feelings cuz well if i cant get the ones i want then what the hell is the damn point of caring.... too bad this is just the writer talking and ill never be able to do that.. im stuck waiting for the impossible to happen...

-- hang up the phone
close the casket
join me....
i remember one night
mistletoe and funny music
alcohol fueled
a piece of me was born that night
ive been dying ever since
dying to obtain..
dying like you
ive seen you die
you said you hate my suffering
you understood and agreed
to take care of me
and me of you
but it was all lies
im nothing more then comfort
in a world of hurt
too bad im like a light coat
on a hard winters night
just not enough
for a princess in need
of it all
deserving?
thats something i guess im not...

been busy, not much to say but some serious things have transpired... i dont feel like speaking on the behalf of it though, i feel like drinking more and going to sleep... what i do have to say is that the cure is the greatest band ever.. dont talk to me... that and people are fucking shady man, i mean shit, i know sometimes i can be a shady individual but other people are just plain out retarted, and when i say this i mean women primarily.... things need to change and they need to change.. but what exactly is the catalyst going to be? i could think of a few but im past all that now and my chances are down the drain.... i am none of these things...