the day or night lags on with the moon transfixing on the lonely who lay in their bed hiding under the covers from the translucent affixiation they deny themselves. The nusiance comes from integrity which lies in the self loathing that is hidden behind the bottle. THe first watch would scare me, the second watch is always better because you know everything is ok, the smell of the left path grows disgustingly horrid. Can you feel the air? I need a hit from my drink, i take one as you stare intently trying to figure out what could possibly make me tick. I asked "so whats your ambition?" i only ask because mine is so meaningless. I strive to make enough money to live on a poor island in a poor country with just a cocktail in hadn and the beach at my feet. ahh the beach in Jaco... the life in Jaco.. god how i miss costa rica.. i wish someone understood it all.. theres one person who does and he doesnt read this.. actually im gonna make acall to talk about it... Jaco.. "Its all about Jaco now, you couldnt copy my styale, 5 bottles of Guaro couldnt drop me, i drank them and smayle...

its the first day of my second life....

soemtimes emotions run odd flavored... whe u think you should be real infuriated your nothing but happy... pictures repay eyes as they glaze... a stones throw away from love and a love that a stone outweighs.. i talk nonsense because i live nonsesne.. i live in a dreary world where the ray of hope only shines in sometimes and when it does its o so fucking faint, and after it shines in, well it suddenly goes out of focus. i dont know what to say really, i have this dream... its such a dream that its only for a dreamer like me.. i'd walk the world for the rest of my life to have it for one day more, just one day more.. i really would start walking tomorrow and never stop except for sleep if i coud have the dream fufulled for just one day. I know its far out of sight but its so close sometimes.

"how long would you wait for me to come around?"

"i'd wait until the end of my days"

magnifecent ponderous lucid life that i thought i could have, with everything ive ever wanted. 2 dogs a white picket fence, and a house with a writing room hidden deep in the attic. im willi ng to walk slow for the forgiveness that i must give and not recieve. Its coming close to the end and is it too late? nobody will ever wait for me. a noose hangs in my garage, and i stare at it every day. it speaks to me about this and that, about what ive lost and what ive won, hwo many times must i die for you? let them know, im walking too slow... the air up there is supposed to be nice, im gonna write a book so i never forget, what it was, i wrecked.....

toning it down a notch soon.. read back posts from the other night n it seems like i lost it and extremely over dramatic... i was also really shitfaced and i had a reason to loose it... back on track..

not a long post but a few things to get off the chest... first there was a massive blow to the ego today but ill bounce back so dont worry..secondly, i hate rich people because im not rich.. i wish i was so i could just move to costa rica n write.. ive been thinkign about Jaco beach Costa Rica more and more these days.. i really wanna go back seeing how it was the best time of my life, i kinda need to be there.. i just need to crack down n completely kill my social life.. im just too scared to do it, if i could make enough money i would just fucking go.. thats where i want to be, so desperately... maybe i should just make the sacrafices n do it.. i think i might...

im drunk and this hit home for the moment.. if u think you know why then die cuz your wrong... wrong.. wrong..

i don't think i'm any closer now
than i was at fifteen
i still don't know what i really want
or how i really feel
sometimes i think i've seen too much
sometimes nothing at all
and sometimes i think i just forgot
what i was looking for
but i still need to believe in you
i still need to know you'll never
never give up
i believe in you...
so how can you ever let
my hope turn to despair?
how can you ever stop
telling me you care?

but i still need to believe in you
i still need to know you'll never
never give up
i believe in you...
so how can you ever let
my hope turn to despair?
tell me you believe it too
tell me that you care
how can you ever let
my hope turn to despair?
how can you ever stop
pretending?

--The cure

have you ever wanted to fashion a noose? right now i do.. im not the most peppy person in the world but usually im ok with things.. tonight in all honesty i wish someone would shoot me in the face... i want to die.. and i have only one other person to thank save myself... i could have been the best man, i could have given it my all... but i came up short... always coming up short... you know man, its not like i was bad, its not like this EVEN FUCKING MATTERS!!! i wrecked it all man, long ago i wrecked it all.. die mr. cruz die..

---

Its been awhile
the king is still here
the thron empty baron and plain
alone
the queen has run off
with lancelot
and im vomiting
this the kids looking on
who am i?
a king with a broken kingdom

it falls apart in the atmosphere
id trade everything for one more try
at perfection
with those beautifull
bee wings
and cheasy 70s suit i wore
i was the real king then
i was everything
you ever wanted
you ever dreamed
till i let it go

i will tell you i am fine
i got some news friend
feels like im dying
and you dont have the cure
its too far away
and too expensive for my taste
so ill suffer
like a good king should
a king of shit with a kingdom
thats so far out of reach
so i our this whiskey
and beg for something more
something more
that only she could give

im fashioning this noose
made out of paper and glue
i hope it holds up
ive found the perfect spot
this radio keeps playing love songs
you dont get those
do you?
its time to say good-nite
time to say good-bye
the new guy can hold you tight
pressing up against you
as the sun slowly rises
looking at you
imaging how god could ever
create such a creature
this is tearing me in two
i want to be five as i feel it all
tear me into something new
im standing by
she said she'd love like you
she said she'd be everything
i was missing
but theres only one queen isnt there
one queen to rule the kingdom
next to one king
the king of shit lives again
tonight his reign becomes symbolic
it become real
for us
for me
for you
for the truth
in it all
this king seemingly wil never die
i am him
he is me
the king of shit
with a queen who so
eloquently had run away....

---

if i had a toaster and a bath tub i would be set tonight...

This air is getting empty
Silence before the screams
Bellowing from the soul
I can no longer seem to find
I think i sold it
For one more chance
a chance i still havn't recieved
----

Fighting these tears back
She said "i dreamed of your reflection"
perfect consiquence
immovable spaces
dripping with sarcasim
i begged for some more
youve done the wrong
i was destined for wrong
i have no more confessions
except ive been dreaming of things
i learned not to expect
days become numbered
thoughts fall remembered
drops seem courageous
im waiting here...

---

Im not sure what to write anymore... its like the poem just doesnt seem to want to come to me.. i sit here but im disgustingly uncomfortable... i start staring at things and thinking of days i could have had and things i could have done.. the past is a like a bastard step child you dont want to know.... Ever lay there in the dead of the night when your trying to sleep and have nothing else to think about except the past? the other nite i came home from the bar at like 8pm and passed out to wake up at 11pm and them i just layed there watching t.v till like 5am when i turned out the light and proceeded to lay in the dark with my thoughts for hours... i even believe i seen it start to get light again.. what i was thinking about ill leave to me but it wasnt anything good... well it was. it was the good times ive had that turned to shit... everything seems to turn to shit lately

Why o fucking why... Not like i havnt been thinking about it but now apparently i havnt been the only one. Too bad you think blue and i think red... what a messed up world we live in people, truly screwed up. Im going to work now, to a job i really hate. At my resteraunt we attract the lowly of the low pole smoking scumbags. These people often think two dollars is a good tip. Ha! I had this guy the other nite who wanted chicken nachos and i somehow messed up n he wound up getting regular nachos. Most people would say no big deal, in fact he, his wife and his fat little kid cleaned the god-damned plate and then complained! Not only did they complain but he finagled his way to having the manager take it off the bill, not to mention i had to take off his fat kids food even tho her butterball lil ass ate half of it until she decided to say she didnt like it. So now thats about at least 10 buks taken off you bill, and you have the nerve to leave me $2!!! fucking bastards, i swear i need a new job, i can stay in the resteraunt business but i have to go to a real deal resteraunt and not a bull shit place like i am now... I made the resume by the way, posted it on a site and going to start sending it out to a bunch of places tonight... hopefully something will come up.. only problem is i dont wanna any sort of job i will get from it all.. i just wanna write and maybe do some modeling if they would let me... everyone sucks... die

This air is getting empty
Silence before the screams
Bellowing from the soul
I can no longer seem to find
I think i sold it
For one more chance
a chance i still havn't recieved
----

Fighting these tears back
She said "i dreamed of your reflection"
perfect consiquence
immovable spaces
dripping with sarcasim
i begged for some more
youve done the wrong
i was destined for wrong
i have no more confessions
except ive been dreaming of things
i learned not to expect
days become numbered
thoughts fall remembered
drops seem courageous
im waiting here...

---

Im not sure what to write anymore... its like the poem just doesnt seem to want to come to me.. i sit here but im disgustingly uncomfortable... i start staring at things and thinking of days i could have had and things i could have done.. the past is a like a bastard step child you dont want to know.... Ever lay there in the dead of the night when your trying to sleep and have nothing else to think about except the past? the other nite i came home from the bar at like 8pm and passed out to wake up at 11pm and them i just layed there watching t.v till like 5am when i turned out the light and proceeded to lay in the dark with my thoughts for hours... i even believe i seen it start to get light again.. what i was thinking about ill leave to me but it wasnt anything good... well it was. it was the good times ive had that turned to shit... everything seems to turn to shit lately, maybe i should be more optimistic.. but what for? really.. ive been dealt a tuff hand and so far up until now i havnt really played it very well... i gotta do something drastic tho, i know it.. i actually feel it coming on... not sure what the hell its gonna be but something is gonna happen in the next few months... thats about the only thing i have faith in right now.. its coming... what it is though im really afraid to think.. something is gonna make or brake me... what i really need is to get out of my house and be able to not work for like a month or two so i can lock the windows and the doors and just write and write.. i kinda wanna live like kerouac did for awhile.. just travelling around with not much to do except live life to the fullest.. i often think im depressed and wanna jump in the noose but shit theres so much someone could live for.. life can really be a grand thing.. the only problem is that it involves money.. u need that paper to do fucking anything.. if only my grandparents could hit the lotto... that would be sweet.. im working on something right now to make alot of money and if things work out properly, i should have a shitload in like 2 months or so... give or take a couple of big upsets...i think that this time its gonna work out well as long as i follow the plan..the plan, the plan.. if i followed a plan bak when i should be in costa rica living it up with the wife right now.. but obviously that didnt work out.. i was thinking about costa rica tonight... even looked at some pictures.. man i miss that place.. you know i remember one morning there, and it was the greatest morning in my entire life.. im not going to go into why right now but this is how it went... i woke up half drunk and all of a sudden i wanted to live.. i have never woken up in the morning feeling like that.. i took a deep breath, walked to the front of my hotel and looked out into the beach.. i ordered a beer and for breakfast and just smiled.. all day i smiled.. i wanted to live for once, i wanted to see what magnificent thing tomorrow could bring, i wanted to be everything and feel and live and cry and scream and smile and be happy... i felt happy.. words cant even express how i felt that one morning.. my boy oak can tell u tho, seeing as he was the only one to witness it... i was in pure heaven... ha, it sounds so cliche but i was "high on life"... man i miss that.. i wonder if ill ever have that again.. maybe if i ever make it back there... one day, ha and one day ill run away to a diff. country with a beatifull woman (something im attempting to do now but i dont have any money) .... ahh darkenss or light? how about another beer for now...

Havn't really felt like saying much these past few days, sorry. I think it may have been for the best tho.. During this time tho this has been drumming thru my head... Still is actually..

"Perfecting Lonliness"

I'm a long list with no time.
Sunset panic on the street,
sugar and lightbulbs,
the milk of kindness is behind us now.
With all those stones in your coat,
did you think I wouldn't know?

The teat leaves of trashed streets,
dirty needlesand sweets.
Zero to heaven in seven,
a lifetime,
a nanosecond.
All the sand in your glass
is going by so fast.

The radio is playing our tune.
I love it, could you turn it down?
The thought of you crying in my room;
I miss you, could you come around
sometime?

When the night comes down,
the world becomes a room
under the microscope
with a labcoat and glue.

I'm fixing this hole
with everything I knew.

The music is making my head split.
I love it, could you turn it off?
The thought of you is tearing me in two.
I miss you, could you come around
sometime?
Sometime?

This list is what went right;
your name is written twice.
We live like astronauts
and our missions never cross.
The stakes are high,
we're standing by.

There used to be a hundred ways to put my arms around you;
Everyone one seemed new,
natural and true,
perfecting lonliness
'til nothing's holding us.
Consider Earth:
we could be the first.

---Jets to brazil

ok so i really dont want to go into this weekends events just yet. I will say they were quite ammusing and they included getting thrown out of a strip club. The odd part is that i hate, hate , completley despise strip clubs because of my past dealings with them (the X's) but i somehow ended up there the other night. No matter though, big things are abound these days, im not joking either. Now if youll exscuse me im feeling something, garbarge or quality i dont know yet ... i guesss you can be the judge.. o yea by the way, since my car died tonight and i no longer can drive one for a few days till i get ahold of the minivan (holla back at the minivan) im heated so i went to dinner with a friend and got banged up.. take it with stride folks..
-------------------------------

Broken
Dilapitated
Sorry but feeling true
These hazy eyes wish
they could be thanking you
instead its like a broken record
your sending me to the electroucian chair
regardless of who you are
i swore i would die for you
i would have died for you
but not like this
with chains strapped to my heart
and wires that now make up my insides
the red one is faulty
its meaning is still untrue
the candles flame is burning
put out the fire
it doesnt need to burn anymore....

-------------------------

She trotted through the doors
her pink pants seemed to cling to her skin
they looked like a sheeps skin
wool
i wanted to peel them off
one leg at a time
her thighs
i imagined to be so sweet
honey from the meat
she had a big ass too
these thoughts could not be killed
only fueled by my drinks
"one more" i told the waiter
one more minute and she was going home with me
one more drink and i would be me

----------------------------------

Ahhh that was an odd one by me no? yea well thats the style im begging to come out, its coming slower and slower.. im starting a story now considering the style is coming... lets see where it goes? no? ok.. lets just take a peek anyhow.. i start it now...

I was standing there as she walked through the door. I suddenly shot a glance towards her as she gracefully stumbled through the door. I started to stare down at my drink. Jameson and gingerale. It looked so empty, like the barkeep was never going to come and fil it up again. She looked so bright, there was this glow about her. I wanted to have that around me, i wanted to steal her glow. I took a hit from my drink and exscused myself from the few friends i had standing around.

I could smell her perfume from acros the room. I wasn't sure what it was, being the amatuer connisure of perfumes that i was. I felt that this was my chance, this was my one and only chance to get it right before it all came crashing down.

"Hey, i seen you walk in and felt like ive met you before. So i really had no option but to say hello." One of the worst lines known to man. I had no choice though, after more than a few drinks the lines seem to get funny. Sometimes the worst pick up lines seem like they would work after a pint of whiskey.

"Hi, yea iv'e seen you before too. My name is Christine, whats yours?

"It's Charlie" I quickly answered back, surprised at how quickly she wanted the name introduction. Normally girls dont ask the name right away unless they are really interested. They tend to ask the name later on if your too dumb to ask it. Normally guys dont care, they can talk to a girl for an hour without knowing her name simply because it doesn't mean a damn thing to them. At this point i really didn't care about her name, it just meant to me that i had to give her mine and she would eventually be able to catch up with me.

"Im in desperate need of a drink. Can i get you one?" I figured the quickest way to a break would be a drink. I surely needed one more then her but hey, i really neded one.

"I'll take a Grey Goose on the rocks" Exscuse me? Was this girl serious or she just figured she needed to keep straight with me? She didn't want some type of fruity ass gay drink? Ok this wasn't real, she totally said something else.

"What did you want?" I asked her as i tried to figure out if i wanted to ask her to marry me now or later.

"A Grey Goose on the rocks, if you dont mind"

"Not a problem, i'll be right back with that." As i walked to the bar i started to think that this would be the greatest thing that has ever happend to me. She wanted a real drink, that meant that at the least she was a serious person. I hadn't met a girl that was serious in a long time. There had only been girls who looked so serious that they jus tneeded to get fucked real hard, that was a need i was glad to fill for them. After i had gave it to one of them real good, i would light my cigerette and actually try to start a conversation but they just seemed to light headed.

I ordered the drinks and it came out to $13 dollars. I paid with a twenty and left him $4. I had a problem with tipping bartenders well. I always felt that if you tipped a bartender well, then after awhile they would start making your drinks well. Normally i wasn't wrong and they usually made my drinks a bit stronger then normal so it was a good deal for all involved. After i tipped the bartender this girl walked by me and her right ass cheek seemed to rub purpousely on my left thigh. I couldn't see her face but i had felt her ass. Her ass was big and round. Something you wanted to grab two hand on and squeeze as hard as you could. Pure unadultareded fat, like puddy in your hands to shape. I watched her walk by, i couldnt see her face but she had long black hair. She was wearing these jeans that seemed like she she had glued them on and it would only take me in an animalistic rage to get them off. She kept walking towards the back, right past Christine as i realized i had to return with this drink.

"This is for you."

"Why. thank you sir" She said as she shot me this devishly cute grin. I wanted to take her home right there, right after i finished my drink. I kept the small talk with her going for as long as i could. I started to notice that my drink was quickly evaporating and so was hers. I offered to buy her a shot, and then another drink just because i really needed one. We walked over to the bar as i ungently pushed a few meat-heads out of our way. I wasn't sure which one what to get us because i was starting to get a little shitfaced.

"Can I have two shots of Jagermiester, please?" I figured that would do considering she didn't seem to have a preferance. I took a look at her as she turned away and i could see right down her cut off shirt. Definately C's i thought to myself as she started to turn back, almost quick enough to catch me looking down her shirt. I wanted to stop the small talk and just get her alone in my room. I mean whats with all the fucking small talk to begin with? Who likes what bands, whats their favorite movies, what do you want to do with your life? Seriously, who fucking cares, sometimes you just want to get fucked and thats as simple as that. All you really need to know is what position do you really like? And how far do you need to go to get home? Just incase she needs to sleep over for the night because your too drained to get up and walk her home, let alone too cheap to pay for her cab. Yet why the fuck should you? If shes there, then well obviously she wanted to get fucked just as bad as you did so she can get her damn self home. "This whole situation is horseshit" I mumbled to myself as she wasn't looking.

"So im an english major" i regretfully told her....

------

"We can make a trade" she said
"Liquor for your blood
I'll pump your heart dry
It wont be worth using anymore
You can fill it with whiskey
It can become your feeling of it all
I will take my place
Just wait and see"
But i thought we were on the same page
of this novel were writing together
sentimentally beautifull
almost perfect
to the "end of time"
"Im sorry but this time has ended
I don't love you anymore
I don't love you anymore"

-------------

ramma a lamma dinkey donkey kong is a foghat super dong....

------

when you smoke more then 5 cigerettes in a row you throat starts to hurt...

---------------

Heart
Capsized
By the throat
Delving deeper
into this cough
I feel it coming too
My blood is what im spilling
baby
its all for you
Crimson red
Dirty blue
These nicotine filled lungs
hold breaths just for you
Lean closer
I want to feel you lips
So soft and sweet
This could be the end of my days
Ring, Ring, Ring
The alarm clock has been ringing
It feels like a couple of weeks
I guess

_---------_-_--_--_- -

Ha!~

-------------

"An english major huh? So what do you write? She asked with these eyes that seemed like they really wanted to know. I was so sick of telling my story of this novel that i have barely worked on but kept making plans to make moves and actually get it done. I told her everything about it that actually sounded interesting and would make me seem like a pure genuis. She needed to think i was a genuis so that i could get her home tonight. Lord knows tomorrow i wouldnt want to talk to her due to the fear of life my sober self carries around. Her eyelashes fluttered as i spoke and i really thought that she was something more then the average woman for a second.

--------------

I cant do anymore.. the brain hurts and as much as i want to finish this cuz ohhhhhhh heeeeeeeey i know where its going even tho u dont, well i feel it needs to end cuz even though its like 12:20 i feel tired. I think its all the alcohol.. hahahahah no thats not it, its just the fact that today was adepressing day. Even tho ive secured tentative plans to move out of my house n get it together with a quality individual. My car still died and that is detramental. Either way, im tired and i dont care. I need to pick these poems out to mail to the magazine tho. I dont know why im fretting so serious about his because i know even my best shit wil get turned down the first time, i should just send any old thing. Maybe ill put something together tomorrow morning after beating my car with a stick and before i go to work.. with a cocktail in between hopefully... tomorrow might be flask day i think... :::sigh::: i've lost so much from this journal already but im starting to really like it..... they loose anyway.... cruz cant loose anyway... i sleep now to get closer to something thats just slightly out of reach right now..... 1

ignore most of this please.. im planning on submitting some poetry to a magazine for publication so im gonna try n write some but its gonna suck cuz im totally sober and am trying to force it so ignore the shit... i will post the ones ive sent in after its all done.... waiting is the hardest part, isnt it....

Somehow it still beats
Through a broken chest
Ungently kissed aside
With lips of subtlety
A memory that dies tonight
With feelings im still stabbing at it
Wth this bloody twisted knife
Thats too blunt to pierce the truth
An object i never thought id have to use
I locked it away
Chained up the box
But you left the key
At the bottom of my decaying stairs
Its all i could focus on
when you drove away that night
so now i grasp it one more time
wont you bring me a whetstone?
So it can finally make this puncture wound....

--------------------------

Loving in a fleeting misconstrued thought
of days drifted through without a weary complaint
waiting for a call
thats sure not to come
i flip open the phone and hit seven buttons
that eighth one is the hardest to reach
this song is playing behind my head
i remember it so well
its causing loss of breath
a detirieation of the soul
a denial of the present
smothered in this past
im envious of
so i just stare at this number on my screen
and close the phone again..

----------------------------

This disease is nothing new
its been eating away since ive ever knew
dying to love
while loving the thought of dying
these arms will never hold another embrace
kissing lonliness
perfecting the technique
ive had so long to train
to be everything
still remaining nothing
in these blackened eyes
the madness i even fear
is winning the war
i wish i could retreat
back to somewhere thats not so hostile
ive been knocking on your door
for what seems like years
i know its beautifull but sad
that im not enough
i would lay my jacket over a puddle
so that you didnt have to get your feet wet
i would try to make something right
but i know its not enough
i guess im just one big apology
that just doesnt want to be heard
tonight i guess ill just stay inside
and try not to hope...
--------------------------------

im going into seclusion soon, so leave me be when i do.. i dont care, its what needs to be done.. leave me be because i dont think any of you really care... good-night..

by the way, i almost forgot i wantedt to do this.. for those of you that are reading this and i dont know, well u can keep reading but send and email of thoughts, bitchings, insight or love letters to here... HiddenLie@hotmail.com ....

im at a loss here.... i have a fever and am starting to think that nothing works out anymore... life is shit and love is a dog from hell that i cant seem to get a leash on.... i also think im dying.... who knows...

the madness gallery rests uneasy tonite thinking that life is looking up.... duck duck duck goose... cuz thats a better game then the one i play now.... dont talk to me to me to me to me to me to me to me to me ot me to me... if i can exist for 10 more minutes i would do something signifecant but im going to fade out in 8..... wait a shame....