ok, so ive been talking about loosing the grip.. wait one minute please, i feel that i might need to make a cocktail for this one... ok, so here;s the skinny.. caring is not sharing, cuz caring is like a plauge. its nice in the begining because your different but then you become this bumbling drunk idiot who just claims baggage that isnt even theirs anymore.
Somehow we'll both survive, and tonight you'll find me alone and getting high. These veins are flowing and the eyes are beginning to water with every shed of a tear i lie to another soul. They beckon for the truth but shy away when i let it fly. then fly, fly, flee, go and bee. its not my damn fault, its not my damn problem. if you dont like it then o wait o wait look at this! its me not giving a damn.. but i really do give a damn, i hate myself for it but i really do give a damn.

Ok so tomorrow is officially here.. October 30 fucking 1st... i have a confession to make right here and now, and it may shock some and others will be confused. Ive kind of wanted to care more then i really do this year. Quick flash back......... Last year halloween i tried to drink myself to death, it was a poor attempt but i did what i could. I drank a whole bottle of jameson and then my friends came home and found me mumbling incoherently to myself in the middle of my room, they proceeded to take me out to the bar where i wound up going to some party till about 10am and outlasting all of them but thats not important. Whats important is that last year i was really, really, really upset about it. And this year, i kind of want to be that upset, i mean shit, i dont have anyone (possible prospects aside) but as of tomorrow morning im still single and still alone. But its not that bad, honestly. Sooner or later im going to find someone who has the method to my madness (if i havnt just yet).. the method to my madness....? do u understand that statement? nope, most fucking likely not. Im not mad, im just a hopeless romantic who is so picky that romance has become a foreign subject.... But tomorrow night i have work, im closing so i wont get out till most likely like 12:30 or so.. normally you would expect me to come home and try to drink myself into a pile of blood and vomit but i dont wanna do that tomorrow.. i think i may have a chance at this whole "love" thing.. better yet, i may even have a chance at life. I mean fucking come on, im one of the smartest dudes i know, and def. one of the most creative, and fuck you , yes , one of the best looking.. i dont care, i toot my own horn. fuck you, love it or leave it baby, but chances are you are gonna wanna love it.. how can u not? think of one dude better then me... fuck, halloween is tomorrow... i hate everyone

i need to move out of my house like asapapapa but (im such a damn wierdo) i wanna get a girlfriend first n move out with her. I cant afford it by myself, but 2 people paying for a one bedroom is so managable.. its like i kind of want to find the right one, right fucking now. and have her convinced that im the right one, so that when i bring the idea up 2 weeks into the relationship, shes so down like doodo brown. is that gonna happen? false, ill have her loving me and then ill bring it up and shell be like.. ok , ok, ok , ok , ok hes crazy.. good-bye.. well good-byes ive got abunchm a fistfull actually and i can throw them all away like trash on those rainy thursdays and ive given it all and ive lived it all , and ive damned it all, and to hell with you.

"burnt out like a light bulb, when you turned me on"

can you take my wieght?
i will tell u i am fine
im just lying
i draw pictures of this in the sand
as the ocean splashed
it sounded like children on the beach
children i thought would be mine
disillusioned and confused
mistrusted and abused
dont do this again
i dont deserve it again
this day seems so bright
it can one day be our anniversary
i'd buy you gold rings
but i hope you never want them
everything seems to improve
with this view that comes with you
and "die, die, die"
the children are dying to say
this is a december moon
doesnt this weather feel so sweet
pressed against a breast that bleeds for warmth
its stiring
and im a captain of this ship
i decide when it banks
this poem is death
of my once called brilliance
your lips
your lips
o well
thank you from taking me for a drive
i was dying to get out
it made me feel alive
so alive
like tomorrow was a life
without a knife
im falling
im falling
and your arms are crossed
beautifull misconceptions
of something i can never be
how about a fancy date with me?
ill pick up the tab
indestructible pretty little smile
a faint glimmer of hope
in devine mediums
you can have it all
this world ive created
ill throw it all away
mask it all with mascara filled tears
and blood
and blood
blood that sounds like an alarm
your decitefull ears never want to hear
i see apples in your eyes
i dont like apples
i dont like fruit
theres a sad song on my radio tonight
and im wondering
wondering
why im waiting and will lay waiting
for you to discover
im so alive
even though i want to die
a million deaths
pins and needles
ill eat them like some captain crunch
crunch
crunch
my dear diary
dont listen to me
cuz youll never love me
dont listen to me
its the bottle talking
tonight
good-night

So what do you say? Your coffin or mine....?

The fruitation of my spoils may never come to an awe inspiring height. These kids talk of days to come as if they had a handle about them, a steering wheel with a sober driver. When these mistakes are made, i notice about .5 seconds after and then repeatedly do it again. I don't know why, who does actually know why they do half the things they do. Sometimes the alcohol takes over and its just not me, but then again there have been times where i believe that to be the only me. Kissing the bottle instead of a beautiful woman can be a maddening thing. Life can be maddening, especially when you purposely refuse to let anyone share with you in this madness. Why should i? Will anyone even be able to comprehend the disease that eats away at my mind? Screw comprehending it, how many would even be able to deal with it? Apparently theres a ton who would want to give it a try, im not one to watch losers loose so i havnt been giving out any try's.

Am i shutting down? Trying to stay closed off? And what the hell is with this fascination and body aches with a feeling of really needing another half again now. I had another half onetime. When that whole one being split, it wasnt like beautiful scientific surgey. It was more like butchery. Veins sticking out, blood dripping upon the floor mixing with gallons of tears. Have you ever seen what a magnificent mixture blood and tears can make? It's quite comforting on the eyes, almost like a new born baby comforting. It's a new beginnning, how many times do you get to begin again? Mine hasn't begun yet, i get to the gate and wait for the gun to go off but each bullet soars high into the sky and then comes crashing down upon my brow as i turn the first corner. I'm thinking that maybe i should change lanes this time, maybe then it will miss me on the way down. On the way down....

I'm starting to care again. I'm starting to not want to give up. I think something is waking up from this numbness, one little piece at a time. Its been waking up but ive been making sure it all stays numb with the bottle. I dont want to care. I dont want to care. I dont fucking care. It's all impossible now. Impossibilities are thriving throughout this dreary hole, theres no light once you crawl and scrape your way through the dirt. I'm laying in dirt, surrounded by it. Waiting for a hand to scratch its way inside and pull me through.

I've made a decision today. I'm putting the money together and getting these headshots done. At least if i can make money modeling i will be able to support my vice's. Shit, maybe i can get semi-famous and then get a famous girlfriend and then ruin it all in front of ton's of camera's instead of myself being the only audience. I welcome the audience. I invite it. I've been inviting too much. Just knock on this door, knock on this door this very night! Im inviting, the invitation is in the mail, i sent it out days ago. I wrote it with a pretty letter, smothered in flower pettles. I hope it wasn't thrown away in the fleeting moment of pride from shame. Dig it out from the trash can, take a look at it. It was addressed in prettiest
caligraphy. I took a class just to write it. I thought that maybe it would be enough to convince you to open it but maybe i should have took an art class to draw you a picture on the other side of the envelope. I can't draw very well, so i opted to just write the letter. Too bad it will never be read. I think i'll burn it. Burning letters look real nice against the moon's glow. I've burned a few in my days, letters that we never sent. Printed emails that werent just deleted look even better, because i dont always know the house number so i need to fit the symbolism. Know im confused, is this really my birth? Can i be born one more time. But i know i'll die again. I know i'll die again. Do you really want to be my killer? I'd still hand you the blade. Sharpen it just for the occasion even. I can mark a date on my calender. "One more death" ill call it. That day i can feel the sweet pain of dying again. Nobody really just knows what to do. Chances are for the wise. The most foolosh man never took a chance in his lifetime, he died as rich as he could be but with a wife who's demise he plotted every waking moment. I'd live on macoroni n cheese if i had to. i dont care.....

All of this is one big fallacy of a lie of a boy filled with broken promises and desolate dreams while he stares into the miror realizing the horror of the truth and clutching so tight onto the shards of glass he just made with his bloody fists dripping with tears....

I'm sorry but sometimes i just can't stop....

One more Ccigerette to cleanse the soul
One more Drink to cleanse the mind
One more Kiss and this story may never have had
to be told

One more Look and you would have been locked
One more Year and this all could have been changed
One more Time
One more Time

The vultures pick at the decaying corpse
That iv'e watched myself become
With translucent memories
Fading as my arms start to reach owtward
to reach something that's running farther
and farther
i would go to try and just smile

In my arms
I rest unrequited with love abound
Despite the bottle
I would quickly set aside
Despite the madness
I would willingly take you
The possible cure

Instead i drift through these days
Ending up with broken dreams
and cracked words
i try and piece together to tell
of the story about the time
i let that one slip away
like sand through my fingers
now im competing for space
in a life that still is not mine

frazzled dazzled and intrigued
with footsteps that echo through your heart
musics playing and you dont want to change the station
they are playing love songs on your radio tonight
i dont get those stations on mine

painted porcelin china doll smile
money made from beauty born
cast me aside like a broken vacum
that could suck the love out of your dying soul
if only i could exist for 10 more minutes
all then wide bright eyed ago
but i died
and lay here still trying to find that joy
stolen like a dirty thief
like a fucking vagabond
i waited
i waited
in the pouring fucking rain
loosing more of my pride
and filling up with a mountain of shame
thats still been unmoved
its still been unmoved
it sits there waiting
waiting as i count the drops on the rain
sometimes tears hit the floor sooner
and make more of a splash

i'd tie a beautiful black ribbon
to match
hold on
hold on
because im loosing grip and need someone
to hold on for me
hold on
hold on

because i'm loosing grip

now you think that its coming back
like a boomerang you see
like a boomerang
coming back
but i can't give any sort of apology
i've given them all to myself
while i go shopping in the funeral store
matching coffins
or maybe just my own very special artifical one
i deserve it
ive done enough to stay alone
to look alone
like this great fucking jewel nobody can buy
i'd give it away
to the right owner

you need to hate my suffering
you need to understand
you need to take care of me
like a fever and im burning up
you could be the cold rag laying on my brow

i'd take the plunge
close these blackened eyes and jump
id fall
id fall
with a purpose
into folded arms

i'm screaming for the sunlight
i swear to you that i'm dying
even though its happening slow
and you wanted something vague
while i tried to caress your shoulders
as they laid down on my bed
and i watched the sunlight come upon your body that morning
that morning life looked so beautifull

even if you just need something to fill up the days
to give yourself a hope of something better
this dreams been stuck here since it came
so many blood red moons ago
to be something
even a scapegoat with nothing to hold on
but ill dance in the fucking hanging garden
while your piercing eyes stare
so deadly fucking cold at me
is this death?
or did this dream die with me
with you
with what someday could really be
i need something more then a feeling
im going on fumes
and they are making me sick
just an answer
or a blind jump
into what could be nothing-ness
or the greatest thing that has to ever be
but it wont be me
it wont me be
it wont be me....

HahahahAAHhaahahhaha ok im almost delirous after everything that has fucking transpired this weekend. Ive had 2 beers and am dilligently working on my third, i havnt showerd in 2 maybe 3 days , i dont remember because i was so drunk this whole weekend that its possible i showerd on sat. i dont care anymore, y? because as ive been writing in here its just how it goes. I feel like im loosing grip more and more around these parts or machinery that seems to come up with failure code everytime i punch in the access keys. I'm going to recap everything that happend from this weekend that i can remember and then most likely either start punching this computer moniter of mine until my fists are bloody or i might just go to sleep or i might just write more and let you all now how i really feel about somethings and guess what, for the few who read this and if i say anything partaining to you, well i dont fucking care cuz if i dont fuck it up now, ill just fuck it up sooner or later, as i found out again tonight from a unexpected revealer... yea its been a grand couple of fucking days people.. first tho im going to make a phone call thats a bit overdue so exscuse me while i drink more beer......they didnt answer, how fucking fashionable... ok here it goes, just hold on cuz its gonna get ugly...

First off, i went to albany this friday and had 2 goals in mind, 1 i was to gamble on football and win $1,500 dollars to go to vegas next week. Secondly i was going to get it. obviously neither of these happend, actually they both burned and crashed miserably, hahaa some of you have no idea and are about to think that these awful things im about to sing make me more dead then alive but the truth is i do them to try and stay alive while i dance to my reflection from a double sided tinted mirror that makes me look beautiful.

Friday night, first order of business is to get to happy hour and this is acomplished in good fashion. I go against my better judgement to the post and to my surprsie its a different fucking bar! shit is wierd and im already really freaked out, this bar went from shit-hole meat head, dumb sorority girl where people piss on the floor and throw beers to a legitimate place and not only that but they had a special to beat all special. The man asked me for $3 dollars at the door and reluctently i agreed just to see what the situation was. After some pulling it together we go to get beers and to my surprise its $2 import bottles. Not a bad special but they forgot who they were dealing with people, FOSTERS!!! is an import and guess how many ounces are in a can of fosters.. u dont know but i do, 22.5, regular beer has 12 ounces.. advantage me. After about 4 of these i was feelng well and we decided to move on, where we went right afterwards is a blank to me but i was doing well. We eventually show up to my favorite bar where the bartenders know my name and treat me with respect plus they have nine inch nails, alkaline trio, saves the day and bright eyes all in one jutebox.. the night was looking up. From here im assuming i made moves to go to the titty (washington T's) why its called the titty as a joke between some friends and it will stay that way. This is where things get real botchy, i remember running into some people and hugs and kisses and tons of fake fucking "i miss you's" were handed out like free disposable condoms. Some i can say that came from my mouth were heartfelt because some people i do miss believe it or not. I don't remember much more from this night to be honest, all i know is i woke up in a friends house on the floor and at least had a blanket on me. I also found out later that day that i had decided to piss in her stairwell and when i was caught red handed aka my dick in my hand i proceeded to tell her "shhh, its ok, just go back to sleep, its ok, i do this all the time". WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?????? why would i piss in the stairway when the bathroom was right there, i still am contesting to the fact that i didnt do that but either way it wasnt much of a big deal i dont think, tho i am a tad bit ashamed, i quickly got over it. So on to day number 2, it starts getting better here... haha o man

day #2.... I leave the girls at approximately 11:25 am absolutely as shitfaced as when i apparently went to sleep and walk back to my boys house. On the way i make a quip stop at the store and pick up 2 items.. One is a drink called Sparx that is basically a red bull with the alcohol already in it, and the second was 22oz of bud light. I go back to the house and begin to scream and shout and pound my sparx. I begin to gamble on football huge and by the beginning of the 3:30 games my account sits at $1,900 dollars. This is when i should have stopped and just went to sleep but that wouldnt be very me like would it? I proceeded to drink even more throughout the day and loose a shitload of money, at some point i bet on the night game and then we eventually went to the bar. What i bet and how much is a mystery to me right now but i do know that at the bar i watched it and wound up winning it so i was still doing ok. From the titty we decided to leave and go to the Pub where we could get away from the hectiness that was going on. I think i had a decent time there but we had tro leave eventually to meet back up with everyone that was going to be at the titty.

Once inside i grab a cocktail (double jameson and ginger) and begin to make some rounds,more fake hellos and kisses were handed out but then something changed. i ran into someone that i wanted to see, (as much as someone who never talked to someone could want to see them) and being so inebriated as i was i quickly moved in to make conversation. 10 minutes into it and it was surprisingly going well, i needed another drink so i exscused myself and ordered another. Back to the conversation, i proceed to tell this girl that i had a crush on her my whole 4 years of college (this was true) but just never tried to do anything because i thought she had a boyfriend and because i just seemed to insane for her. To my surprise, she had noticed me that whole time and was even alittle jealous of my x-girlfriend (whom she actually knew and spoke to a decent amount of times). I mention something about the X and then quickly change the conversation because i can go on forever about that one. I take a hit from my drink and she smiles, and i think maybe jesus is shining down on me baby and all i need to do is just roll with this one. So i grabbed the ball and started running like little curtis martin baby!!! Things start to go blank again here for alittle while but then i remember leaving with her to go to a friends house (where i slept fri nite) and after being there for what seemed like 34 seconds but most likely was 34 minutes we left and i walked her to her friends room. Somewhere at this point she argued with me because i wouldnt let her walk 2 blocks by herself, and u know what i dont care. If im able n willing let me walk you to the door, shit isnt safe, especially in albany. So i do the right thing and the gentlmenly thing and walk her to the door. after more conversation and a phone number exchange i kiss her good night and make my way back to the boys house. I think i talked to myself the whole way about how excited i was and things were looking up for me. big money in the gambling account and got the 4 year crush. You would think that this was fantastic no? Dead fucking wrong.. this people was the highest i will be in a damn long time because at that exact moment it all started going to shit.

I was too happy, things were going to well, i should have known. So i walk back to my sleeping quarters and someone convinces me to go to Dirty Dans at 7 in the morning and get breakfast so i agree seeing how excited i was. After all that i wound up sleeping under the ping-pong table with no blanket and no damn pillow but shit i was so elated it was ok. On to the next morning where it could only get better but

The Funeral had begun....

I felt like absolute shit so only drank a sparx and a few beers. At this point the gambling account was at $1,500 and some change i think. First bet i lost 500 dollars, second one i won 100 so a net 400 loss. Bad but it wasnt over, i had apparently laid 500 on my own team while i was dirty dans (i called it in) so i said fuck it Lets go big JETS. As i watched the Jets loose i had this ugly feeling in my stomach that this was in fact my funeral. They lost and i had lost 900 so far, so i take 200 in the night game and get my ass kicked. Now down 1,200 dollars on the day and the account is at $400.. Vegas next weekend out the fucking window... but wait, wait , i got the big crush last nite.. dead wrong fuckers, dead fucking wrong... i started remembering some of the things that came out of my drunk idiot mouth about god knows what, and i was almost positive i had convinced her that i was fucking crazy. I decided to make a call and convice her that it was just the alcohol which it really was but i am crazy anyway. No answer, message asking for a callback, 1:34 am monday night and still no callback.. yea i ruined that one people, scratch another one on the list of me ruining it all.. She did tell me that she thought i was real good looking (i tend to toot my own horn on this one, and i dont care because i am apparently extremely attractive to the female race and fuck it i know it) so i thought that would prevail but i was totaly wrong, i screwed that one up huge.. so do u think it can get worse?? o yea it can get a hell of alot fucking worse and it does....

Today... I come home and lay around all day thinking about tonights good pick because i have to get back in the swing of winning some money, i get slightly upset about loosing the crush but whatever i dont really care that fucking much. Then my parents refuse to loan me $20 dollars so i can go to the bar and now im heated. I make my pick to try and win some money back but guess what? tha wound up being a big fat loser. But i don't think ive gotten to the worse yet, i know you think i have but no... sadly no..

As i make my pick before the game i get an instant message that came so out of left field, jesus himself could have rang my bell and handed me a bottle of wine and i wouldnt have been more surprised. Needless to say ( and i cannot go into much retelling of exactly what i want to say here because i'm almost positive they will be reading this real damn soon but whatever, it doesnt really matter now, does it?)

need to stop.. my idiot brother has just called and hes stuck miles and miles away tripping out on acid with no ride to get home.. ive been drinking but i can still drive, shit i wasnt done but maybe i shouldnt say anything about this one at all because im hoping to see how it all plays out cuz i can forgive easier then i should.. its for a reason and its obvious... going to pick this idiot up, maybe ill be back later....

This is me loosing my damn mind once again....

"To Wish Impossible Things"

"Remember how it used to be
When the sun would fill up the sky
Remember how we used to feel
Those days would never end
Those days would never end
Remember how it used to be
When the stars would fill the sky
Remember how we used to dream
Those nights would never end
Those nights would never end

It was the sweetness of your skin
It was the hope of all we might have been
That fills me with the hope to wish
Impossible things

But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all i wish
Is gone away
All i wish
Is gone away

All i wish
Is gone away " --The Cure

The sickness is growing, and i can forsee no end save the one....

i hate everyone... i really do... u can all kiss my ass... im thinking of cashing out 1G and going to a.c to win or loose it all.. if your down get in touch.. we may either slepin the presidential suite or on the street.. either way i dont fucking care... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i wish i could reverse time.... i wouldnt be living here and the left side of my pillow wouldnt be empty.. fuck you goodnite...

Ok this is either going to be a long post or a real short one.. its depending on how much of this bud light 24oz i can drink before i feel dizzy and sick and how many cigerettes i can smoke before my lung comes coughing up. Woa hacking as i write now.. damn.. need a hit of this hold up... Ahhhh.. ok i think i might be ready now... here we go..

Ok, well i found out today that i apprently have more of an audience on here then i originally thought.. HA! isnt that ammusing.. The best part im, i think i have audience on here that hasn't even let me know that they are reading.. So you know who you are, speak the hell up... Seriously, something u wanna know? If not then why the hell do you care to read my inner most thoughts (some of them are left on here people, yes i know im fucking pathetic but ive thrown all rationality out of the window 2 and a half years ago) O O O o O O O i need to get stoned i think.. i might have a smidegon of weed left somewhere, seeing how i dont smoke anymore because it fuddles the mind up but what the hell.. im going to see if theres enough for a pinner.. be back.... ok found some of a stash but the only problem is i have no bowl n no papers and that means that i now have to destroy a cigerette to roll this... Sigh..... sometimes you must do what u must do.... haha ok this is gonna be a good one possibly now..

So first off things need to get off the chest.... Hemmingway was a homosexual, Buckowski was a Man. Double edged sword on that one but its gonna wonderfully flow into this little rant ive been building up here. WHY THE FUCK DOES NOBODY KNOW WHO BUKOWSKI IS!!!!!!!??? Why!! someone please tell me because im absolutely freaking baffled. Im so sick of meeting someone and they and getting into a decent conversation with them and it eventually comes up to who a favorite author is, or who do you read alot and they just have real simple answers like Grisham, or Kerouac (which is totally fine by me considering he is one of my favorite authors, but c'mon people. You need to move on after that, theres more.. even if he wants to be your facorite thats fine, now some others) or King, or somone i havnt hear of even tho i know authors that are most likely better (im a bit of a snob when it comes to what i like to read).

Back to the point i orginally attended to make if i can somehow figure it out in this haze of a thousand thoughts like a tounge in the mouth and nowhere to slide its began to drip, chemicals i think i need to obtain, like the crystal dark ring that will help you rule the world and discover disconnections that made you want to forget there ever was a connection.. 888-fuck you i dialed the right number apparently when i tried to talk to God, either that or he hung up when he figured out his dispondent son was the caller.

"But the future's got me wondering such awful thoughts, my heads a carousel of pictues thats spinning
never stops
i just want someone to walk in from
and ill follow the leader
like when i fell under the wieght of a school boy crush
started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs
i almost forgot who i was
but i came to my senses
now im trying to be assertive im making plans
ones rises to the occasion
tries to meet of all their demands
but i just hide under the covers"
--bright eyes

So what else needs to roll of the chest because lately it feels heavier then the head of a lover that never really loved. This girl told me last night that i should a job in summerizing stock things and addvertising things for a corparate company.. out of her damn mind. I tried to amuse her but i dont think it was fully understood that life is already the same as love... A Dog From Hell... Why would i want to make it worse? Granted i alredy work for a corparate resteraunt and it sucks but shit, thats only to make side cash until i can make enough money to move somewhere and be ok for a good while. Im actually doing well gambling since i hit that big 800 hundo last week.. ive moved the account to $1,300 hundred today and it would have been $1,400 but i made two foolish bets for 50 each because i was some-what drunk. The way i see it is simple as this.. I'm gonna do my best to get the account up to $3,000 dollars.. I might be able to do it in like 2-3 more weeks as long as i take the smart picks.. which ive found out that i can get about 1 a week. its not garunteed at all but my chances are really good on certain ones. So im gonna get it up to 3K and then im gonna take one big bet. But im not gonna take a simple one.. nope i dont work like that. What im going to do is this. I'm gonna pick the New York Jetropolitans toughest game on the remaining time on the schedule and get tickets to it. I'm going to go to this game and put $2,500 on it.. or more if im doing even better by then, either way i leave $500 in there just in case. Im gonna do this not because im an idiot but for a more logical reason. Because not only will my money be in it, but my heart will be in it, seeing as thats my team. So if loose then hey, maybe this trip isnt meant to be right now but if i win then im out. I will cash out after the game, pick up the money the next day and get on a plane.. simple as that Not too bad of an idea i think, u most likely think im out of mind right now but uhhhhhhh o look... this is me not caring...

Im going on a Book binge ive decided.. Having been writing enough, i know why but dont want to deal with it either way so i think i need to correct/deal with it. Got work tomorrow nite and tuesday night.. so after work each night i come home hit a good bottle of whiskey and get some of it done. Maybe i should buy some wine instead but that shit is so expensive sometimes, especially when your on a 2 bottle minimum. Halloween is coming soon.. did u know that? Halloween is coming, its coming , its coming...

I feel it creeping up on me like a thief in the night
that stole the heart i once called mine
bottles and jugs
fill the empty spaces and forgotten memories
it helps me forget who i was
so i stop burning for some short sweet time
burning begins to singe
and your skin screams for shape and change
like snowflakes that change to droplets of rain
on a stormy night
the tapping sounds like the feet of children
you will never have
names youll never need to come up with
and dreams youll never get to live
maybe i could change all that
maybe we could hang out together
and ill want to know all the things that make you tick
like when you were young and bright eyed with time
nothing crashing down
like the moon is falling
pictures to be taken
consideration for breathing and perfume of a drug ive yet to try that lingers on her neck like the monster under the bed
that your afraid to say hello too
it just might get crossed out
this do list just might get done
and ill find someone to treat
to trick and be in the clear
"it would be my dream to have you
and in the morning if id forgotten you
it would be alright
because your the reocurring kind"
a re-ocurring kind is impossible to find these days
between fits of shallow-ness and jealousy
i miss the bullseye by a hair of whispers
left in the dark for nobody to see
a church with no God
a savoir with no one to save
falling ill while making selective effigies
to sacrafice to the pretentious God
you dont belive in
i am your god......
it takes you too long to figure out
i have the map youll see
dont believe me?
your like a boomerang silly
just depends if my hand is extended out to catch
im deserted lying
crying
thinking
dreaming
singing
screaming
dying
dying
dying
to quech a thirst this that never seems to go away
o id dream
and o id lie
but never to you
watching this book try to figure out
exactly who its gonna be
whos gonna tell who you see
it might not really be me...

this is coming to a close beause the nonsense is getting eheavier then your face that drips into my memory that i make out in the middle of my beer.

You want me too just say it dont you? just to hear it one everlasting time? one more time, one more time... times run out and these words fall on deaf ears.. deaf ears... im by myself and these walls are beginning to moan of things it can feel in my name. fuck my face, fuck my dream, fuck my soul, fuck my mind, fuck my time, fuck my me, fuck it and watch it burn as i wait to just wait to burn, your invited.. dont you want to come in................................?

Im not making a long post tonight, my stomach hurts like a bastard n this 22 isnt helping for some reason. I also have a mix of notions going on in my head that are just too much to really go into right now. Sometimes its just hard to explain.. really hard. I'd get on a plane tomorrow if i was asked to come but thats still a pipe dream. I think i have so many pipe dreams that i should just become a damn plumber.

"All i have to do is kill her........"

(in the deepest most painful bellowing sound your little minds can imagine) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
fucking fuck fuck fuck AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!

ok so this is gonna be short.. basically i havnt been this excited in awhile.. i made a wager today for $25 dollars and wound up winning $837.79.. HOLY SHIT!!! damn right.. i now have $1,000 sitting in an off shore account and do you know what that means people? basically im 1/5ths of the way to costa rica.. HOLLA! dont friggin talk tome.. everything is looking up for me.. in simple terms..

The Cruz Can't Loose....

I feel this thing is an experiment that has gone awry. Ive gone back and read some of my posts and feel i may be divulging too much here. I originally wanted to mae it an experiment and actually post true thoughts and inner feelings as if it was my actual journal. The idea behind it was just too see what sort of reaction i would get from people if they really knew what i was thinking sometimes. Now im not too sure about all this.

It's raining here and im glad. I usually do alot of writing when it rains because it inspires me more then anything else but for some reason im holding off on that tonight. Tomorrow night though, i think im gonna get some done. I just really wish the poem would come back but its still not working properly. Its funny how sometimes in the car ill spit out this magnificent poem in my head and then later on i go to write one and i go blank, maybe i should buy one of those tape recorder things. I had one once, it wasnt mine but i used it like it was. I had alot of things once.

Im gonna get some rest and see what tomorrow brings. O quick update.. i forgot to get the info for that 2 worldwide airline ticket thing (aka my paris trip) but dont worry, ill get it done tomorrow. Now i just need to find someone crazy enough to go with me.....

As lil black dan used to say "Sleep is the cousin of death...." on that note im out...

"I'm falling down
And you're not here to break my fall
I shut my eyes when you're around
I hold my breath to kill the sound of your voice
I'm falling down.
And you're not here to break my fall"

Ok so this weekend has been a friggen mess. Sat night was work then absolutely nothing. Yesterday was an odd, odd day. Mental note #1 : I need to stop gambling and drinking on sundays. I almost lost the whole account yesterday and then tried to make it up tonight only to kiss it good-bye. After loosing big last nite things just got real wierd, i dont wanna go into details but i was very wierded out by my own actions this morning. Sometimes you just dont know anything, that and drinking from 1:30-2am is bad news cuz something fucked up is gonna happen.

So now i feel like crap and i dont really want to go to sleep but theres nothing else at 1:30 in the morning. I found this website today that offers 2 roundtrip tickets worldwide for like 200 buks all together. I think im gonna check it out further and then find the right woman and go on a date to somewhere whacked out. London, Dublin, (been there already but would go back) maybe Paris. Actually thats it, gonna get these here two tiqueto's and fly to Paris for a weekend. Who's willing to come with me? We can drink bottles of wine all day and smoke cigerettes while we make fun of the french. Im trying people, im trying.

I've been thinking more and more about something the last few days and it's really starting to piss me off. The thoughts themselves are about something good but im totally hyping it up to myself and when it doesnt work the way im hoping it to then what? And i so know its not gonna work out just as i want it too. I guess i'll just play it cool and let it all play out but i so don't want to for some reason, something is telling me not to just let things unflold. I feel like i should have a strong hand in this one so that i can get my way and become stable for a good while. "Stable" i miss being stable, it can be a really good thing sometimes.

O ok, this is quality. So not to "toot my own horn" but ive noticed something lately, and it may just be in my own head but im down with it. Apparently im a hot commoddity on the single market, for what reasons i swear sometimes are beyond me (thats half a lie because i have a huge ego but dont understand it). Anyway, the offers are rolling in but ive been kind of one sided lately. I sometimes wonder if i should just go crazy and try and get down with every woman i can but for some reason or another i really don't want too. I totally could though and thats whats wierd. I kind of just wanna commit myself, yea ok fuck all of you i said it. I don't care, its what i want. The other night i came home from doing absolutely nothing important but i just wanted someone to call, to say good-night too. It's nice to have someone who wants your voice to be the last thing they hear before they go to sleep. Maybe im just freaking out again, or maybe im ready again, or maybe someday.

I wish it would rain, i could use a good 2 straight days of rain. Maybe then the poem would come back to me cuz lately its just not here and i cant do it. Im starting to get real fustrated with it actually, a Muse would be great but i don't have a real one yet. Sure i have a fake one or two but thats just the poem in my head about things to come or not to come. I need to start doing something, not to sure what but something. Maybe i should become more cultered and go to museums and shit. Hhahahaa maybe i should start working out everyday and become a meathead. I always wonder what i would be like if i just let staten island take over and give in. Imagine me as a big muscle head dude whos always trying to fight somebody for looking at me? That would be pretty hysterical. What the hell am i talking about....

This drink is almost done and my thoughts are falling back to the unspeakable. Nectie noose's and laughing children inside white picket fences while two huskies play in the yard while the wife hides her hatred of what shell never have and the husband thinks of his secretary that he can only dream of, dreaming thoughts about starting all over again with someone new, somewhere far from the reaches of her icy cold fingers that wont even touch him anymore at night, they just turn out the light to dream of better days when all this wasnt a reality and things looked up to when they still had a chance. I pity them but i know that i still have a chance....

Im rambling about nonsesne again, i need to stop because im scaring people.. boo! hahahaha man i kill myself sometimes.... Dont read this anymore...

Why is it that (on staten island especially) if someone drives by you while your walking, you are not allowed to look directly at them for they will stop the car and want to fight you? Man i need to get out of here... Anyone wanna save some money and put their careers on hold for a little while and just make some damn moves? All i need is one good ally and it would be more motivation to go.. eaither way im going, unless i have something so good that it balances it all out... likely? not really, and im not sure which one i would like better anymore.. going to sleep, fucked up meeting at 8am at work to take a "sizzle class".. yea like im not walking in with an irish coffe/flip-flops/ and a bandana telling my bosses "that they can sizzle this" as i inadvertantly grab my crotch.. im out...

You know when you get over excited about something and in actuallity you dont have much to get excited about? Yea well that fricken sucks. Its like when you wanna jump foward a few months after everything has gone exactly how you think you want it to go but you just sit there wondering if any of it will go the way you want. The mind does some tormenting things to you sometimes. How you could completely forget things from the past and see this beatifull future one day and then the next you plotting your own suicide.

TOmorrow is friday and that means only one thing considering im not working, happy hour. The thing is that i really dont want to go to happy hour. This may sound gay but i know what i wanna do. I wanna go see lil Quentin's new flick "Kill Bill" with someone and then come home and nestle up on a couch. That's not gonna happen tomorrow though, maybe in the near future i can have someone to do that, but as of this moment its all only fleeting attempts to get to that level. So what should i do instead?

The way i see it is i have two options. I could go to happy hour and get filthy drunk and most likely do something i never wanted to do in the first place and wind up drinking myself into a comotose because im upset i couldnt do what i really wanted to do. OR i could stay home all day and night drinking myself into a coma and trying to do some writing. Have you noticed a trend in these two options? Yea, i have too but i dont seem to care these days. Ive found myself drinking because im happy, drinking because im sad, drinking because i have something to celebrate, drinking because i have nothing to celebrate, drinking to forget, and the worst of all... drinking to remember... i dont think i need help though, i just need a good woman to make me want to drink to celebrate more then the other things.

But who's gonna put up with my shit, i often ask myself. I think the problem is i tend to lay it out all on the table way to quick and that i need to kind of let some if it show little by little, then again i dont know why im saying this. Ive yet to have a woman turn me away after learning about my little vice's, i usually turn them away when i start to find that they just aren't as fun as i want them to be or ive found that one bad thing and have began to harp on it in my mind. I hope nobody reads these posts because then ive already lost.

Writing is the only sanity these days. I say things i dont mean, i say things i really mean, i say things to send people off track, i say things to get them interested, i say things at the moment, i just tend to say things. Its not my mouth though because half the things i write i would never say. It all starts with these here fingeres, and unfortunetly sometimes it all ends here too.

"Be vauge" (if thats even fricken spelled right) someone told me today. But if i was vauge then why should i even bother writing it on here? Why should i have to hide the emotions that run through this faulty wired mind everyday. Im not too sure what to say anymore, i dont want to scare anyone off and i dont want to attract them too much. Fuck offending people, thats one thing i could really give a shit about. I make it personal business to fucking offend someone everyday because they need it in their life. People need someone to offend them so that they can have something to go home and bitch about.

"Pass me the remedy, get this shit out of my head"

At least sunday is coming... that means i can put all the money i have to my name on the Jets and watch myself loose it all. I really need to stop betting on them but sure as fuck enough im gonna give it one more go this week. Ok ok ok ok, u think im wrong? well go to hell. Maybe i should go to happy hour tomorrow, i might even get a chance to be on t.v if i play my cards right tomorrow. thats the ticket baby, someone will see my face and track me down because they want to make me famous..

Man i need some sleep, im goin to bed someone pleased tonight though. It bit out of reach from the usuall, i know but hey, a would be muse can do that to you i guess. How someone else that can bring happiness to you be a muse though is often beyond me. Ive always thought that the only muse you can have is the Bottle and the Pain. Maybe i should give the oppisite a chance. O check this out! Im going to go to some wierd ass seminar next week to learn how to get free government grant money. My plan? Simple baby. Get this idiotic government to give me as much money as i can get to write a novel.

What that really means though is even better. I can take it all, quit my job, buy an old skool typewritter and then heres the best part. I plan on going on a Bukowski esk type binge and somewhere in the process write the novel. I think that's the only way its gonna get done. Working every day and living in my damn parents house just isnt cutting it right now. Binge's and Purges baby, doing something that Buk himself would be proud of. Man i wish i could have shared a pint of whiskey with that man. Ok this cocktail is almost drained n the 10th cigerette is about to go out so i guess im done..

"Everyone seemed new,
natural and true,
perfecting lonliness
'til nothing's holding us.
Consider Earth:
we could be the first."

Flattered that you think I warrant ugliness.
Gutters drain west, mud made a mess of us.
It's time to leave this place.
I'd saw through your wrist to find a better trap that fits.
I'd saw through your traps to find a better you.
A part of you that lasts.
I saw through your trap and into my own wrists.
Saw we were through, red ribbons spill to blue:
A sight to sore your eyes.
I got this dress.
I'm hiking it around this waste of laughter.
Slow dance alone with no one to the sound of four hands clapping.
Congratulations to you both, I hope you're happy.
If there's a moral to this story then I wish you'd show me.
Hair in the blood, fly in the disappointment.
Rubber, I'm glue.
I'll write the book on you.
It's sticking to my face.
You need a little less than what you take for granted.
This is the sip that's drinking back from you,
Blacking out your eyes.
You need a little more suppression of you appetites.
This is your honeymoon, in separate rooms,
It's neither sweet nor bright.
I made a word to give this state a name, this game a guess.
I call it "sluttering."
It means as little as your little test.
You are your worst revenge.
Your very means, they have no ends.
This is a story you won't tell the kids we'll never have.
If you hear this song a hundred times it still won't be enough.

----- Jawbreaker

So ive been wanting to post on here but i wanna work on the book, n its a toss up. Ive been toying with the idea of just posting the book entry by entry on here. Cut and Paste style. Dont think i really have that much of a following but im sure more will start reading once they notice it. It could be a good thing it but it also could be a real wierd thing, not too sure how i feel about it. I guess the decision will come sooner or later...

"Waiting on a sign from God or a nod from Hell" --Jets To Brazil

Have you ever had things start going your way and you just start to get scared? It's like you know something bad is coming your way soon man but there aint shit you can do about it. Well this is how i feel at the moment. The last week or so ive been winning too much (if you take out the fact that i told my managers that they dont know how to run a restaraunt and now they are lookign for a reason to fire me) but other than this lil inconvienance i feel something creeping up on me.
I can top it all off with something else too . I could be loosing grip maybe, im taking big risks lately because i seem to just not care, maybe thats why im winning here n there. Actually ok, ill be honest, im not winning much but im kind of on the verge here maybe. Its like im on a hot streak with some things and i need to keep it going but im almost sure ill somehow fuck it up.
This is all getting out of hand, and i have to start hiding my cell phone and staying away from the e-mail cuz that old trap of self-masochism is coming back now, i dont want any part of it but my body shakes like a heroin addict in detox craving it again, craving that one thing you just cant have because its no good, because everyone says no, because you cant afford it, because it makes every last decision because deep deep down its the only thing you want. But its the one fucking thing you dont really want its the only thing you know that can make you feel comfortable again.
Then you get the chance to have something new and shiny in place of this lost jewel you can no longer even look at but for some reason after a few cocktails, 9 cigerrettes, and while sitting alone in the dark, you just think that it wont have the same luster... luster? what the hell is all that about anyway? The dirtiest pebble can shine the brightest in the eyes of the insane, something i really feel like im becoming as each day winds down to the death of a close and i lay this weary head on the pillow of discomfort..
Im sick of waking up alone in the morning looking at an empty half of a pillow and seeing hope, faith and love laying there dead and decaying on my fucking floor. Yet whenever someone seems to want to take that empty spot on the pillow next to me i immediately find a reason why they just arent worthy... am i still waiting to find the worthy one or is no one worthy anymore.. And whenever i think i found something worthy i kind of do something to sabatoge it and watch it roll through my fingers like grains of sand. Its awfully funny how the mind works sometimes isnt it?
Today was the 4th time someone has mentioned Halloween to me in like 2 days, offering me something to do. HA! My father even invited me to go to Atlantic City with him and my mother to see gay david copperfield.. Halloween used to be my favorite holiday too thats the worst fucking part, now its truly a day of the dead and i fear it coming, i fear it like a thousand wasps converging on my head in the dead of the summer when sweating makes you sweat. Maybe ive had to many cocktails tonite but maybe not, and maybe you thought this post was over but i fear its far from coming to a close, its gotta come out tonight, harboring it for a few days and cannot lay this dreary head down to sleep one more nite without something changing.
I sound insane i know, but hell isnt that what makes me intruiging these days? something has to be working in my favor so why not the loss of insanity ive been suffering from. If i had the money i would just put the suit on right now and go to the airport but i dont so im stuck here.
Dont read too much into this, its not like this every day, just certain days. I need to work on the novel more, i think that will take the mind off some things but it sometimes makes it worse so ive been avoiding it. I think thats why ive only written 2 pages in the last week and a half.. i dont know if any of you has ever tried to write a book but 2 pages in a week and a half just doesnt cut it. I had some inspiration the other night but it backfired completely. I went to the bar just expecting to have a usuall night on staten island and only see some friends but it turned out better then i thought. So i get home and immediately pour myself a nice big whiskey and coke, light a cigarette, and sit here at the computer. Do you know what happened next? No? ok, ill tell you.. I couldnt write shit because i found myself happy, and excited to see what the new day would bring. What brought this about im not gonna say but it was wierd man, i didnt have much control over it. Even after a drink or two i still had a big smile on my face and fell asleep thinking about it. Something i havnt done in awhile. I dont know whats up with me, this small insigificant thing that i looked about 7 miles farther into then what was really going on, had me messed up. Its late and im tired of this meaningless ranting so im gonna try n finish it up with a poem, even though im not so much in the poem mood, i kind of think this rant needs to end with one.. here it goes, like or shit on it, i really dont care cuz you really dont know what it means....

This decaying water based dream
Is starting to dry up
Like a mirage of an ocean
I cant seem to get a drop of
and these bloodshot eyes
keep awakeing to the white
of nothing new
something just not as shiny as
the blood i would spill
as i lay my heart on your sleeve
and apologize that its not red enough
I wont be able to put it all together
Im gonna need some help
like two astronauts
whose missons will never cross
except on a starry configuration of a night
when two guards drop
and theres 1,000 ways to sleep
smothered in an angels velvet wings
and awake to the sound of the rain
breathing on me
maybe then i can get some rest

man, sometimes im such an awfull fucking poet, i dont even know why i bother writing sometimes.. im jsut too tired and not nearly drunk enough and scared of saying all the real things... this is over, this final.. chek bak tomorrow in the am to see what happens next..

Your Coffin or Mine....? I'm still waiting...

I watched this man try step into his car, He tries to turn the igntion key but it seemed broken down, a mirror reflection of hows he's feeling inside. I lit a cigarette and offered some assistance.
"We all brake down sometimes" i half wittingly inform him as he motions for my light. He looked like less of a man right there, i wasnt sure what it was. Maybe it was his messed up hair, or his 4 day shadow, like looking respectable in public didnt seem to mean all that much. I understood right where he was at.
"I think its the god-damned altinator! This shit costs like $400 dollars to fix! Do I look like i HAVE $400 dollars? He was screaming at me by this point. "It's nothing but one thing after a fucking nother these days buddy. Just when you feel like maybe you've finally gotten one up on life, do you know what happens then? do YOU? Well i'll tell you what happens then! God parts the the great sky finds you and proceeds to piss right on your freaking head! Just like that you can strike another one for life and a negative mark next to your name, its that damn simple.
I laughed to myself as i tried to talk him down. " I hear you man, but what the hell are you gonna do about it? Bitch? Moan? Fucking complain that you got the short end of the stick again? We all get the short end of the stick sometimes, its all just a roll of the dice"
" Yea it is, the fixed dice, the ones that are weighed down and always land on snake eyes. You know man? Seriously, two weeks ago i was on top of the world and now look at me. I had a woman, oohh man what a woman i had. I had just gotten that big promotion and we about to start living the good life. Do you know what happend then? Do you?
"No dude i dont, what happened?" I said not sure i really wanted to find out but knew there was no walking away now.
"Oohh you don't huh? Well i'll tell you what fucking happend! God, decided once again and part those big damn skies of his and have himself a nice long urination and a good hearty laugh at my expense. You remember when you were a kid and you would aim your piss somewhere to purposly piss on something? Remember how you would laugh and get so much joy from it? Yea, well thats how God friggin felt, i bet. Because man did he get me good.
It was a looked like a real promising day, the first day in my new position, the woman got up and made me breakfast. My horoscope said it was gonna be a grand day, i shouldve known then but i was o "high on freaking life". I gave the woman a quickie, took a nice hit from my bottle of green label Jack and went on my way. I find out when i get to work that the company has just went bankrupt and everyone is out of a job. I bet you can't guess what happend next can you?
"That bitch left you didn't she?" I said this based solely on the fact that i knew it was true. There's something unmistakable about a man after his old lady has left him. We aren't like the female race, we dont cry and move on. We simply just go mad, mad with rage, with hate, with overwhelming love, with jealousy, with every fucking emotion that any human being could possibly feel. We start to resemble maddness itself. Nothing can take us out of it either, everything you could possibly do just drags you farther down the downward spiral that had become your shell of a self.
"That's right! As soon as i told her about work she up and left! Two days later she said that she had been harboring feelings of uneasiness in our relationship and that we need time apart. Time apart! Thats when i needed time with her the most.
"Hey man, plenty of snowflakes fall every winter"
"Damn right, but theres very few you catch on your tounge and want to taste forever." I had nothing for his comeback, I just decided to pop his hood and look around. There was a wire out of place so i putzed around for a minute or two and asked him to try and start the car. She turned right over and i shut the hood to see the look on his face.
"See man, sometimes it just takes a moment to look around and everything can be fixed."
"Yea but i bet you this bitch will brake down tomorrow" he said with a grin as he just drove off, yelling back a thanks....